Peace and Quiet

It has been a week since I deactivated my FB. People thought that I deactivated it because of Bo's but actually it's not just because of him. FB had become a constant source of heartache for me. I see conversations, pictures, and status updates that makes me question myself, most esp question my judgment. I know I shouldn't but I am. It's not healthy for me anymore. And I would say that deactivating it helped me this week. I loosened up and somehow there's peace and quiet in my head.

But I know I have to activate soon. It's my best mode of communication with friends. It's my best way of knowing how they are and how they've been.

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Last week I overreacted on something. Or make that, I was in deep pain that I wasn't able to hold back tears. It was immature and selfish in a way because I didn't give the understanding that I should have given. Though I am thankful that it happened. At least, it changed my perspective on things and gave me a firm reason on not to be dependent on people and address my jealous nature. I admit that I am a very jealous friend, esp if I feel that you treat everyone nicely except me. Esp if I see that you allot time for everyone except me. I have overcome this jealousy with some of my friends but it took time and circumstances allowed for that jealousy not to be triggered. Among my friends now, I am mostly jealous because of BO's and RG. And it's not because I am in love with them (I'll write about RG some other time). I admit that I long for their attention and time. And I long for it even more if I see them giving it to other people. Crazy? Yes, it is. For Bo's, for quite a while I overcame my jealousy but it was triggered again. For RG, he's just so distant. And you know that feel that you miss him even if he's just right beside you? Faet.

I am afraid to lose them. That's a fact. Yet I know I couldn't hold them should they want to leave. After all, people move forward and bring along with them those they only need.

It's a sad thought that I don't matter. This is not about self-pity or what. It's a fact. I just don't matter to some people and they deliberately show that.

Oh well. On to my search for peace and quiet.

Broken

If there's one person who has the power to break me over and over again it's Bo's. I don't know why but it has been that way ever since. It's like a constant battle for his attention and affection. I am a very understanding person and I understand him always. However, this time, I cannot seem to find the right reason to make myself understand. And honestly, I'm broken by the circumstances. And I can't stop my tears from falling. Somebody asked me these:  what did he do? Is his fault that grave? Or you are just selfish? I asked him to expound on the last question, because perhaps I am. Perhaps because of the pain I feel, I am reduced to being narrow minded that I can't see reason anymore. Perhaps I am too selfish that I only care about how I feel.

I wanted to see him badly. That's a fact. I understand that at that time he really can't. Though he could have had told me ahead so as not to put my hopes high. He went home to CDO, I expected that. But how unfair can circumstances be? How can we not be in the same place at a time when we could meet? Then again, the horrors of his return home last year came to mind. We were at the same place, but I seem to have begged for the time. As a friend told me, kung gusto may paraan. Kung ayaw, maraming dahilan. And even up to this moment, I am still hoping that he'd surprise me and visit me here. But then again, he just told me that he's boarding to Manila. Pathetic me.

I cannot blame him, of course. Who am I that he'd go out of his way? Who am I to be given attention? Who am I for him to waste his time, esp at this time? Sorry for the negativity. But if I come to think of it, perhaps I was wrong to assume that I matter to him. Perhaps, I was wrong to believe that. Perhaps, I was wrong to give so much importance on myself. He even forgot to greet me on my Birthday right? Again, I may be wrong to judge. May be he's going through something. And what kind of a friend am I to not understand that. But I've got feelings too. And all the while that I tried to converse or reach out, I was rejected. And that hurts. And I guess I've reached my tolerance for pain already.

Selfish na ko kung selfish. Di ba diay ko pwede masakitan? Di ba diay ko pwede magreklamo na dili na nako kaya? Dili ba diay pwede na mangayo sad ko og understanding panagsa?

Emotions

I am in that cycle again of getting hurt over and over because I never learned. I understand that I cannot force myself to people's lives because they don't want to. But despite that understanding, I cannot help but be hurt. It's a tiring process of being rejected. It's a tiring process of people making me feel unwanted. It's a tiring process of emotional torture. Though as much as I want to detach myself from these people, I can't. I don't know why I chose to hold on to people when they already had let go of my hands, when evidently they don't care anymore. I don't want to cry anymore. I'm tired. I'm tired.