Still Waters Run Deep

I had this conversation with a friend last night. We may not be exactly in the same circumstance but we are going through the same thing. Only that, I can control more my emotions more than her. How unfair life can be sometimes? Why can't we have the ones we love? Why do we fall for people who can't love us back? And why do we hold on even if there's nothing to hold on to?

I have answers to these questions for myself but then again even with the answers I still can't stop myself from loving the person who can't love me back. Perhaps, I am more comfortable that way. I am more afraid to be hurt by the ones who love me. In the case of Bo's, I truly loved him. I was really in love with him. It wasn't a case of a mistaken love. In RG's case, I love him but perhaps it's because he is near. He's a constant companion. And maybe just maybe,  I mistakenly took this friendly-love affection as more. Yes, I do care for him like I care for the rest of my friends. But maybe I care for him more because I can actually show it. I am just controlling my emotions so that the feeling won't be nourished and won't turn to truly being in love with him. And yes, I am talking about this since it would be dangerous if I just keep it inside. Still waters run deep, they say.

I had the courage to tell Bo's that I love him because the emotion was strong and I know that he's someone who can understand. I cannot tell RG because he definitely can't. He'd rather be not friends with me that know that I love him. He's that person.

But despite this confusion I am going through right now, I'm happy because I chose to be. As a friend commented, I look happy. That great love meant for me will come soon. I just know it will.

Picture Perfect

I had this picture taken with someone and I liked it a lot. It depicts a picture of a happy family. And how i wish to have mine someday. If only that picture can be real everyday, I'd be the happiest person. But then again, it's just a picture and I am not meant to be with that someone. 

I realized today that I am no good at hiding or keeping to myself what I feel. I guess I'm being unfair to my friends. I mean all the while, the thing that keeps coming out of my mouth and I keep talking about is RG. Yeah, I don't nourish the feeling. I don't even fight for it. But I just can't stop it. For these past few days, I just keep on laughing to hide the uncertainty I am feeling. I know I should be worried because anytime I might explode but then again I am not worried. This time, I don't want to allow any negativity to overpower me because I chose to love someone who can't love me back. 

Someday, I know, I'll have that perfect picture I've been dreaming of. In time. In HIS time.

Great!

Something I learned to develop these days is the art of letting go. Letting go of things that I really am not supposed to hold on to. Remember RG? I went through quite a tough time with him the other week. Perhaps, it was brought about by too much jealousy and moreso because of the feeling that I cannot tell nor show. I know he's smart enough to know about how I felt without me telling it. But he was smart enough also to make me feel that he is dismissing it. He doesn't need it. He doesn't want it. It was hard for me at first to comprehend. I was in denial. But then again, I'm old enough to learn of when to let things go and to prioritize what matters. We're friends and I'd like to keep that. Maybe, what really bothered me the whole while was what changed between us. I'm just glad that we were already over that phase and we're slowly getting back to where we were.

I just feel so happy. It feels great. Yes, I love him. But it's not something that I will nourish. I love him more as a friend. And I'd like to keep it that way.

The Game

I've prayed for someone and then that someone came along. I did not pray for the situation but this situation was given. I really don't know where to stand right now. But suffice to say that I am quite disappointed. More like, hurt.

Ok, I played the game which I shouldn't have in the first place. Yeah, I fell in love again and I don't want to admit it. I loved the wrong person. Wrong because I know he can't love me the same way. Why am I always placed in a situation like this? After all these years, I should have learned. But then again, love's like that. It just springs out of nowhere. It comes unexpectedly.  What's more surprising is the person your heart chose to love.

Oh well.

Missed Call

You know that moment when  you constantly remind yourself not to get too excited over something because there's a big chance for it not happening. That is what I exactly did this weekend. I was so looking forward to talking to someone but I had to remind myself not to. And somehow my instinct was right. The call, the talk didn't happen. Am I bitter? No. Am I sad? Yes. Am I disappointed? Yes. Am I that unimportant that someone wouldn't want to keep a promise made to me? Times like this, I get to question what is wrong with me. Why is it that I am always made to feel this way?

Oh well.

RG

I'll call him RG. No basis at all. Just pure product of imagination.

My head's not really working properly right now. I'm not used to drinking anymore and I think I had too much. I had no reason to drink. I just had fun. Or perhaps it was just a way for my brain to open up. Yeah, this I'm sure. I love him. But I don't have any intentions of telling or showing him. I'm not ready to take that risk. From what I heard him say today, it aggravated more the desire of not telling him. Yes, my feelings is not that strong yet. I know it can still be stopped. And I am opening my hearts to others. But it's there.

I am again in that same path of loving someone first. But I pray that I don't go through the same thing again.

RG is definitely someone.

He's Worth The Risk

I promised to do something crazy yesterday since it's a friend's birthday. But things didn't go through as planned. Apparently, my friend did some enjoying. And I am happy with that. That's my wish for him, to enjoy his birthday.

But fate sometimes takes it own course. The craziness I planned somehow bounced back. Something crazy did happen yesterday. And up to this moment I still can't get over it. It was just a normal conversation but it hit me to the core. It's as if I was played at or he (another friend) was trying to persuade me to confess. Yes, I still don't have strong emotions for him. But I am asking myself already. That natural instinct to care, it's already there. I am just trying to evaluate if it is because we are friends or I see him as more than that. Yes, I'm afraid. This time, I don't want to make the same mistake again. I don't want to be hurt. I am afraid to risk it all. And funny how, as if he read my mind. He confidently said to me, that if I know of someone who might be interested in him, I should tell him. He's worth the risk. Gosh!

Is he really worth it? I know he's just playing games. And I'm tempted to play along. But there are so many things at stake. I don't want to make my life complicated. I just got over with a past love and I don't want to get through what I went through again.

Lord, help me. Guide me. Thank you.