"There is no good in goodbye"
This is a song lyrics that I often associate with people leaving. I am not good with goodbyes. I hate seeing the people I love leave. But as the cliche goes, there is no goodbye just see you around.
We had to say goodbye to a colleague today. This wasn't the first but this was the first time the team formally bid goodbye. With the messages, the tarp, and all. Personally, I am sad that Mark is leaving. As one of the two senior consultants remaining, the team really bank on his expertise. But I understand why he is leaving. People's priorities change. And after more than 3 yrs in the company, he felt like there is a bigger future for him outside.
And perhaps I pose this as a challenge to myself too. And I'll write about in a different post.
Good Luck, Mark!
Thursday, May 29, 2014
Thursday, May 15, 2014
Free Writing at 2 AM
It's 2 AM and I should be sleeping already. But I can't. I just finished watching the last episode of How I Met Your Mother. Yeah., yeah, crazy me. I just had to finish watching the series so I won't imagine anymore what the ending is. Which I didn't not like by the way. I just had high hopes that it will be Barney and Robin 'til the end.
Again, I should be sleeping right now. I have to be early at work. And before I go to work I have to clean the house. Technically, it's clean. Just that most of my stuff are in the "living room" and I have to transfer it all to my room since my housemate's coming home. Ok, that statement is too long. Why am I writing this way? Oh just let me be. It's 2 AM and I am going through something. Yeah, the dramatic side of me wants to go all out. If it was such a long weekend for Ted, it has been a long long few months for me. I tried my best to find my escape but I know I cannot. I eventually have to face everything. Only me can help me get through with all these shit.
It's been a crazy 5/6 of the half of the year.
January. I was so looking forward to that month because of Sinulog. But Alas, I wasn't able to experience my first Sinulog. Worse, my father was hospitalized. Worst, was in ICU. And whatever you call the worse thing than worst, I was financially broke. And I had this drama that I didn't find comfort from the people who I expected to be there for me. And there are ongoing projects that needed my attention and I just can't divide myself.
February. A project started and the client is demanding of my time. Yeah, it's like that mostly but this is different. It's as if they bank on my name, not the company's. And that's tough. To add to that, I was given a project I didn't want to work on. And since my heart wasn't into it, it blew right into my face. A big boo boo. It definitely made me question if I am really capable of doing the tasks I am asked to. It made me question my judgment. You see, the moment I start doing that, I totally lose confidence in myself and all else becomes a disaster. And oh! this was Valentine's month. Nahhhh.. I didn't really care that it was but I met someone and my heart or whatever you call that thing in your head that let's you feel something went crazy. I got sick but was still working while I was sick.
March. And that craziness was carried over to this month. Since everyone was so concerned of my love life status, they started dropping hints to that guy. Which forced the guy to asked me out. Yeah, I was thrilled when he asked me out. But you see, it hit another negative button in me. I never wanted a guy to asked me out just because he was forced to. And did I say, I talked about this guy to most people but not to my closest friend in Cebu. Yeah, because of my drama shit, I didn't talk to my friend. I didn't talk to most people. And I did not do so for quite a while. And that hurts. Nobody reaching out to the other. It's like throwing away a friendship just like you're throwing garbage in can. Well, you know that feeling. I don't know if I am making the right comparison here.
April. This month. Can I use the word crazy again? Well, I really went nuts. I thought I already had a chance at love but it slipped away. You see, I wasn't looking for one despite the pressures around me. I didn't give in to what people wanted me to do just to find that someone. I met the guy at a point when my heart was ready. And who would have thought that I'd met him at the place I left almost 2 yrs ago. Who would have thought that I'd met because of a project I didn't want to handle. Who would have thought that on our first meeting, I'd feel that spark. And I don't believe in spark at first sight. Who would have thought that I'd pray for him to be that someone. Who would have thought that I'd let him meet my parents and tell my parents afterwards that I like him. Who would have thought that I'd be careful in dealing with him because I didn't want to push him away. Who would have thought that I'll be totally honest with him and trust him despite not knowing him that much. Who would have thought that I'd asked him to give us a chance. Yes, I liked others before. I went crazy for some. But never did I ask for them to be in a committed relationship with me. Who would have thought that this guy would tell me to court me and do nothing after. Who would have thought that I'll have my first break-up even before there was officially an us. Who would have thought that I didn't shed a tear after our long conversation. Who would have thought that I'd be totally cool after.
May. And being totally cool with everything because you just opted to hide every bit of your emotions in the deepest corner of your heart, will eventually claim its price after. Half-way through this month, I did the ultimate craziness. I forwarded CVs to companies I don't see myself working in. And my CV was plain bad. And to top that, the craziness of the past months took a great blow to my performance and my relationship with the team. I was the leader. But I wasn't that. I was merely someone who gets in and out of the office. Flies in and out of some places. I was never around. I failed my team in so many ways because I chose to be weak when I needed to be strong. I chose to dwell on the bad things that happen. And I chose to say goodbye to the good stuffs.
Now, having said all that. I guess I was able to let out all of the negative forces that I chose to held on. And I guess it is already time. I refuse to be unhappy. I refuse to sulk. After all, everything that happened to me wasn't all bad. And good things even happened out of the bad that did. Everything happens for a reason, right?
January. Yes, I may have missed that first Sinulog experience but there will be another. I would never trade taking care of my parents for that. I may have felt that I was abandoned by friends, but there were those who were there. And I realized that I was never abandoned. Some people just show their care differently. And I may have been financially broke, well that's just money. I'll be able to recover from that eventually. What's important was that my father was healed.
February. I had to experience that failure. I had to be completely knocked out to be able to see another perspective. And though it might have take quite some time for me to stand up and act, at least I am getting there. Well, realizing that I like someone is a good thing. At least I know my heart is still capable of beating.
March. Last night my friend and I really had that talk. Just to clear out everything and to know that we're good. I admit that I was selfish and shallow. But as my friend told me, I had to experience that for her message to get through. What the message was, I'll share some other time.
Yes, that guy may have been forced to ask me out but still he asked me out. I'll just stick to that thought that you cannot force a guy if he really doesn't want to.
April. I am not mad at the person but I was hurt. And yes, I did not shed a tear for that guy until I wrote all the who would have thought's above. I really like him but then I know that I cannot force it. If in some near future we will be given a chance, and I still feel what I feel, then why not. But if we won't be given that chance, then perhaps that's just it.
May. The bomb has already exploded. I'm starting to clean up. It's good that I was able to let these all out. And I guess this was the push I needed to get me back on track again. It's time that I lead. As for those applications, let's just see what happens.
Two wonderful things that happened by the way, two of my best friends got married and we have a new baby in the family. And that's how I see my future, my happy ending. Someday, I'll get married and have kids. And while waiting for that, I need to experience all the things that I need to experience for me to be ready for that happy ending. And I just might share all these to my future kids with the story of how i met their father.
And I still have a lot to say but it's almost 4 am. 'Til next free writing.
Again, I should be sleeping right now. I have to be early at work. And before I go to work I have to clean the house. Technically, it's clean. Just that most of my stuff are in the "living room" and I have to transfer it all to my room since my housemate's coming home. Ok, that statement is too long. Why am I writing this way? Oh just let me be. It's 2 AM and I am going through something. Yeah, the dramatic side of me wants to go all out. If it was such a long weekend for Ted, it has been a long long few months for me. I tried my best to find my escape but I know I cannot. I eventually have to face everything. Only me can help me get through with all these shit.
It's been a crazy 5/6 of the half of the year.
January. I was so looking forward to that month because of Sinulog. But Alas, I wasn't able to experience my first Sinulog. Worse, my father was hospitalized. Worst, was in ICU. And whatever you call the worse thing than worst, I was financially broke. And I had this drama that I didn't find comfort from the people who I expected to be there for me. And there are ongoing projects that needed my attention and I just can't divide myself.
February. A project started and the client is demanding of my time. Yeah, it's like that mostly but this is different. It's as if they bank on my name, not the company's. And that's tough. To add to that, I was given a project I didn't want to work on. And since my heart wasn't into it, it blew right into my face. A big boo boo. It definitely made me question if I am really capable of doing the tasks I am asked to. It made me question my judgment. You see, the moment I start doing that, I totally lose confidence in myself and all else becomes a disaster. And oh! this was Valentine's month. Nahhhh.. I didn't really care that it was but I met someone and my heart or whatever you call that thing in your head that let's you feel something went crazy. I got sick but was still working while I was sick.
March. And that craziness was carried over to this month. Since everyone was so concerned of my love life status, they started dropping hints to that guy. Which forced the guy to asked me out. Yeah, I was thrilled when he asked me out. But you see, it hit another negative button in me. I never wanted a guy to asked me out just because he was forced to. And did I say, I talked about this guy to most people but not to my closest friend in Cebu. Yeah, because of my drama shit, I didn't talk to my friend. I didn't talk to most people. And I did not do so for quite a while. And that hurts. Nobody reaching out to the other. It's like throwing away a friendship just like you're throwing garbage in can. Well, you know that feeling. I don't know if I am making the right comparison here.
April. This month. Can I use the word crazy again? Well, I really went nuts. I thought I already had a chance at love but it slipped away. You see, I wasn't looking for one despite the pressures around me. I didn't give in to what people wanted me to do just to find that someone. I met the guy at a point when my heart was ready. And who would have thought that I'd met him at the place I left almost 2 yrs ago. Who would have thought that I'd met because of a project I didn't want to handle. Who would have thought that on our first meeting, I'd feel that spark. And I don't believe in spark at first sight. Who would have thought that I'd pray for him to be that someone. Who would have thought that I'd let him meet my parents and tell my parents afterwards that I like him. Who would have thought that I'd be careful in dealing with him because I didn't want to push him away. Who would have thought that I'll be totally honest with him and trust him despite not knowing him that much. Who would have thought that I'd asked him to give us a chance. Yes, I liked others before. I went crazy for some. But never did I ask for them to be in a committed relationship with me. Who would have thought that this guy would tell me to court me and do nothing after. Who would have thought that I'll have my first break-up even before there was officially an us. Who would have thought that I didn't shed a tear after our long conversation. Who would have thought that I'd be totally cool after.
May. And being totally cool with everything because you just opted to hide every bit of your emotions in the deepest corner of your heart, will eventually claim its price after. Half-way through this month, I did the ultimate craziness. I forwarded CVs to companies I don't see myself working in. And my CV was plain bad. And to top that, the craziness of the past months took a great blow to my performance and my relationship with the team. I was the leader. But I wasn't that. I was merely someone who gets in and out of the office. Flies in and out of some places. I was never around. I failed my team in so many ways because I chose to be weak when I needed to be strong. I chose to dwell on the bad things that happen. And I chose to say goodbye to the good stuffs.
Now, having said all that. I guess I was able to let out all of the negative forces that I chose to held on. And I guess it is already time. I refuse to be unhappy. I refuse to sulk. After all, everything that happened to me wasn't all bad. And good things even happened out of the bad that did. Everything happens for a reason, right?
January. Yes, I may have missed that first Sinulog experience but there will be another. I would never trade taking care of my parents for that. I may have felt that I was abandoned by friends, but there were those who were there. And I realized that I was never abandoned. Some people just show their care differently. And I may have been financially broke, well that's just money. I'll be able to recover from that eventually. What's important was that my father was healed.
February. I had to experience that failure. I had to be completely knocked out to be able to see another perspective. And though it might have take quite some time for me to stand up and act, at least I am getting there. Well, realizing that I like someone is a good thing. At least I know my heart is still capable of beating.
March. Last night my friend and I really had that talk. Just to clear out everything and to know that we're good. I admit that I was selfish and shallow. But as my friend told me, I had to experience that for her message to get through. What the message was, I'll share some other time.
Yes, that guy may have been forced to ask me out but still he asked me out. I'll just stick to that thought that you cannot force a guy if he really doesn't want to.
April. I am not mad at the person but I was hurt. And yes, I did not shed a tear for that guy until I wrote all the who would have thought's above. I really like him but then I know that I cannot force it. If in some near future we will be given a chance, and I still feel what I feel, then why not. But if we won't be given that chance, then perhaps that's just it.
May. The bomb has already exploded. I'm starting to clean up. It's good that I was able to let these all out. And I guess this was the push I needed to get me back on track again. It's time that I lead. As for those applications, let's just see what happens.
Two wonderful things that happened by the way, two of my best friends got married and we have a new baby in the family. And that's how I see my future, my happy ending. Someday, I'll get married and have kids. And while waiting for that, I need to experience all the things that I need to experience for me to be ready for that happy ending. And I just might share all these to my future kids with the story of how i met their father.
And I still have a lot to say but it's almost 4 am. 'Til next free writing.
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
Don't Act Like It's A Bad Thing to Fall in Love with Me
This song by Justine Timberlake is currently on repeat. Wala lang. I just love listening to it. It takes my mind off the things that's bothering me. A breather at least.
Here's the Song!
Enjoy!
Here's the Song!
Enjoy!
Sunday, May 11, 2014
Healed?
This morning, a friend asked me if I am already healed. I honestly did not know what she was asking about. I wasn't sick. So my respond "healed?"was really an honest "I don't know what you are talking about". But I got it when she responded, "you know, about ***". My respond was, "let's just say that I still like the person but I am not into any illusion that there will be an us".
Wow, I just realized that I tried a lot of things to divert my thoughts and my feelings. I did dismiss people's questions regarding him. Even my mother's. I know, from experience that it doesn't do me any good to supress my feelings. And honestly, I did not handle this one very well. I will explode anytime soon.
But oh well. I guess I just have to believe that everything happens for a reason.
Wow, I just realized that I tried a lot of things to divert my thoughts and my feelings. I did dismiss people's questions regarding him. Even my mother's. I know, from experience that it doesn't do me any good to supress my feelings. And honestly, I did not handle this one very well. I will explode anytime soon.
But oh well. I guess I just have to believe that everything happens for a reason.
Never Wanting to Go Back!
This trip to CDO has long been planned. I even filed my leave ahead of time. However, I did not book my ticket ahead. I was too complacent I guess. Or perhaps it is a manifestation of an inner desire to just stay here and never to return. Thus, I can't return to Cebu tonight because the boat is fullybooked and plane fare is way too expensive. So I'll extend another day.
After almost four years of being in this field, I am into that phase of having a career crisis. I am too old for this, I know. But this is how I feel. I am not sure if I still want to do what I do for the next few years. I am not sure if I am still effective. I am not sure if I am still needed. You see, I am not the type who lingers in a place where I know I cannot contribute anything. I don't like being compensated for something I haven't perform well. I don't like that kind of burden to my conscience.
I know I cannot leave now. But if I stay, I might not be able to leave anymore. But I also don't know where to go.
I miss having conversations with people who can somehow enlighten me on this one. Yeah, eventually I have to decide for myself. I just need another perspective.
After almost four years of being in this field, I am into that phase of having a career crisis. I am too old for this, I know. But this is how I feel. I am not sure if I still want to do what I do for the next few years. I am not sure if I am still effective. I am not sure if I am still needed. You see, I am not the type who lingers in a place where I know I cannot contribute anything. I don't like being compensated for something I haven't perform well. I don't like that kind of burden to my conscience.
I know I cannot leave now. But if I stay, I might not be able to leave anymore. But I also don't know where to go.
I miss having conversations with people who can somehow enlighten me on this one. Yeah, eventually I have to decide for myself. I just need another perspective.
Thursday, May 1, 2014
Oh Well!
MICHAEL BUBLE
Haven't Met You Yet Lyrics
Not Everything Lasts
I've Broken My Heart So Many Times,
I Stop Keeping Track.
Talk Myself In
I Talk Myself Out
I Get All Worked Up
And Then I Let Myself Down.
I Tried So Very Hard Not To Loose It
I Came Up With A Million Excuses
I Thought I Thought Of Every Possibility
And I Know Someday That It'll All Turn Out
You'll Make Me Work So We Can Work To Work It Out
And I Promise You Kid That I'll Get So Much More Than I Get
I Just Haven't Met You Yet
Mmmmm ...
I Might Have To Wait
I'll Never Give Up
I Guess It's Half Timing
And The Other Half's Luck
Wherever You Are
Whenever It's Right
You Come Out Of Nowhere And Into My Life
And I Know That We Can Be So Amazing
And Baby Your Love Is Gonna Change Me
And Now I Can See Every Possibility
Mmmmm ...
And Somehow I Know That It Will All Turn Out
And You'll Make Me Work So We Can Work To Work It Out
And I Promise You Kid I'll Get So Much More Than I Get
I Just Haven't Met You Yet
They Say All's Fair
And In Love And War
But I Won't Need To Fight It
We'll Get It Right
And We'll Be United
And I Know That We Can Be So Amazing
And Being In Your Life Is Gonna Change Me
And Now I Can See Every Single Possibility
Mmmm ...
And Someday I Know It'll All Turn Out
And I'll Work To Work It Out
Promise You Kid I'll Give More Than I Get
Than I Get Than I Get Than I Get
Oh You Know It'll All Turn Out
And You'll Make Me Work So We Can Work To Work It Out
And I Promise You Kid To Give So Much More Than I Get
Yeah I Just Haven't Met You Yet
I Just Haven't Met You Yet
Oh Promise You Kid
To Give So Much More Than I Get
I Said Love Love Love Love Love Love Love ...
I Just Haven't Met You Yet
Love Love Love ...
I Just Haven't Met You Yet
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)