Dumb Thing

Selosa kaau ka byang sa? Makadungog lang gani ka og anything... waaaahhhhhhhhhhh

Earphone volumes up. Nganong nadunggan pa man gud nako. :(

talk

I need someone to talk to right now.
I am so tired that I just want to cry this all out.
I need someone to talk to right now.
I just don't want to spread negativity.
But I need someone right now.
I just want to talk.

Tirrreeeeddddd

It's still midweek and I am already very tired. :(

I need a loooonnnggggg vacation.

happy lemon

I wasn't feeling well the past days. I don't know why but my body was just so weak. I wasn't even well when I took an exam. Hopefully, I'll pass. I wasn't able to absorb fully the training discussions. And I missed a lot of "meetings". I was so excited for the work week but my excitement didnt help me get through it. And I'll start another work week again tomorrow but my body and my brain is not fully rested yet.

I am absorbing so much negative energy and I cannot cope. And I wish to be in the company of some people to somehow help me let the negative energy go. I need to forget work pressures for a while. I feel like I am about to explode already.

Lord, ikaw na bahala sa ako.

Brutal Fact

Wala man gud na sya nakagusto nimo. Ikaw ra nag imagine ato.

gilamok ko

I cried. I didnt expect that i will. It was my fault. It was wrong for me to hope that you also want to spend time because i wanted to. I didnt mind the people who were there. Good thing it was dark.

I thought i was ok after that conversation we had with me begging you to give us another chance and you said that you cant. I thought i was ok because i was able to control the urge to call you or chat you or text you. I also took a hint when you gave me that link.

I thought i was ok but i am not. And i acted crazy in front of the team.

I have to let this out so i can sleep. Yes, im still in love with you. I dont know when this will end. I just suppress it. I cover it with all other emotions. I was happy to see you. I am happy to see you. Im just sad that we didnt bond. Just as two.

Gosh. I dont like feeling this way. This is crazy. I need you to help me move on. But not the way you are doing it. You are pushing me to be in that dark corner i dont want to be in.

Haist.

angel eyes

I wish to have my Darren Park someday. Hahaha

This koreanovela makes me cry almost every time. That's why I don't want a buy a dvd copy. I might cry nonstop.

Oh well.

:(

30

Almost 5 yrs ago, out of the blue, someone promised me that he'll marry me if we're still both single when I turn 30. We're both still single and not in a committed relationship. Will that promise be fulfilled? No.

I didn't take that promise seriously. That just came out of whim. But to be honest, in that 5 years span, I came to a point that I wished that it will come true. I laugh at those memories actually. I am smiling while writing about it now. 

I'm still friends with that person. I am not sure if he remembers though. 

So, I'm 30. I am not who I envisioned myself to be when I was still 20. I'm unmarried, I'm not a lawyer, I don't have a huge house, I'm not physically fit, and I am still in the Philippines. My 20 yr old self would definitely nag me for not getting where I wanted to be. 

I may not be that person, I may not have achieved my goals, I understand that life does not always go as planned. Things happen that will make you create decisions that will lead you to a different path and a different you.

I'm unmarried. NBSB at that. But I was saved from the wrong ones. People say that 30 is already a critical age. I would agree to that, in some way. But I won't force things to happen for I know what is bound to happen will eventually happen.

I'm not a lawyer. This was my first high school dream. I wasn't able to take up law because of financial reasons. I opted for Masters instead since it was for free. Soon, I claim that my financial standing will be ok so that  I can fulfill that dream.

I don't have a huge house. I live in a rented apartment now. I am still also paying for our house in CDO. If I come to think of it. I don't dream of a huge house anymore. I dream of a happy home. i don't want to live alone.

I am not physically fit. I admit this is a failure on my part. I am so lazy in this specific aspect of my life. Though I made a birthday vow to really give time for that.

I'm still in the Philippines. I remember I once said that if by age 27 I'm still single, I'll go abroad. But I never had the courage to. Or maybe I didn't really want to go. And though people force me to go now, I can't afford to.

So, to sum, again I am not where I wanted to be. And I am not the person who I wanted to be. Am I sad about it? No. If I want to be technical about it, I cannot be sad because it was never a guarantee that I'll be happy if I achieved that. If I'll be honest about it, I am not sad. But I am not also fully content of what I have achieved. I believe that there are still so many things that I need to do and to achieve. I am grateful though. I may not have that great of a relationship with Him but he still blessed me.

So I am 30. I'm ready to be in a committed relationship. I'm a Business Application Project Manager. I'm paying for a house. I am working to be fit....

I help others to reach their full potentials. I help my company to have a team. I invest. I am starting my business. I'm a loyal friend. And more...

I am 30. I celebrate my age. I celebrate the person that I am now. And I will continue to work on my dreams.

Happy birthday to me.

Happy Parent's day to Mama and Papa. (thanks Pao for the idea).

bad dream

I woke up today because of a bad dream. And i still can feel the anger i felt in that dream. My dream showed me something that i pray will never happen. Perhaps i am just so not sold to the idea that it manifested in my dream.

It breaks my heart to see my friend go through the pain she's going through. It breaks me more that she allows it to happen just to not lose someone. She said she's already ok and have moved on. I pray that she already did but her actions says otherwise.

It became an unspoken  rule between us to not talk about it. We end up fighting because of it. It's clear that I don't support whatever it is that they have. And it's true that if fate allows that they'd be together, I would be out of the picture. Call me a shallow friend but that's what I want to stand for.

Perhaps I just don't understand. Or perhaps I refuse to understand. But I see why my friend is so smitten and in love with the other person. She sees in her the person who can complete her. The person who can fill in the missing pieces in her life. Unfortunately, that person has someone else.

And that's where the complication comes in. If it were another person, why not?
 She can't let go. And she'd go miles for that person. She'd hurt (unknowingly) those who cares for her to give the world to that person. And she might not know it, she's squeezing lemon to her wounds.

And in my dream, she betrayed friends because of that person. But then she still ended up broken. I was so angry. And i may not say it, i really am mad. But i had to keep my cool. I cannot talk to the other person. That's why as much as possible I try to avoid. I'm very bad when I explode.

I pray for that dream to never happen. But with the way things are going, it's bound to happen. I can see a lot of betrayal coming. And where will I be in that picture? I'll be a friend to the other and I pray not to be an enemy of the other person.

Pls guide my friend Lord.

promotion

Today, I learned that finally my recommendation for promotion of two BACs was approved. I should be happy. In a way, I am. It was a reward after all for prior efforts made. I am just worried though. I had high hopes with the two. I thought that I can develop them to be leads. Now, I am not so sure anymore.

And this is a failure on my part as their lead. I was supposed to guide them and help them achieve what they aim for while in the company. I was supposed to help them grow. I was supposed to know what they need to develop. My efforts just fell short.

Hopefully, this time, my efforts will create the desired results. I'm changing tactics.

Blahhhh

When time spent does not match output. Unsaon ko mani? Madisappoint lang ko. Kanang, di ko kasabot kung paspas lang jud kung ako mag trabaho? or dili lang jud ga mind ang people sa ilang oras. 

makalisang. or daghan lang jud kabilinggan mga tao na ginasingit sa trabaho,

makalisang. dani lang ko magyaw yaw... wala bitaw makabasa. lol. feeling ra ba daun sa mga tao sila ang ginapadungog dungog. isumbong daun ko sa akong boss.

hahays,

over eating on a Sunday.

I really need to have another diversion when stressed. I admit I do stress eat. I eat even if I am not hungry. And all the weight I lost last week, I regain this week. I'm stressed. Yes, I am saying it again. To over emphasize, i'm stressed.

What's causing this? Work. I already did something with the work environment thingy and it's not stressing me anymore. There are just so many things to do. I have time but others don't. When your work is dependent on others, even ifyou have the time you can't start until they are finished. And by the time they finishe, there will be a lot of things on your plate that time will not be sufficient anymore.

I don't want to get stressed because I get fatter. And that's an added stress as I want to work my way to become healthy.

Yea, yeah,it is all up to me. I can destress thru exercise, that's hitting two birds with one stone.

Will start tomorrow. I will be 30 soon. So I really need to be healthy.

the broken tv

Our tv in cdo was broken. Since we cannot afford to buy a new one, i pushed my parents to have it fixed. But even if it can be fixed, i know they still want to buy new.

If i can afford, then why not. I know it's one thing that can make their lives a little less boring. It pains me to not be able to provide that for them. Times like this, i feel such a disappointment.

Hays.