Offended Not

I learned of something unexpected last night. I didn't see that coming. Sometimes you just feel that something bad is going on with a friend, and you worry. I wasn't offended that he didn't tell me and didn't reach out to me. I understand that. Sometimes, to just let our feelings out and for us to be ok, we need not confide with a friend. What he went through wasn't easy. And it's very evident with his posts and even though he may say that he was over it already, the aftermath shows that he still isn't. He definitely needs a break for him to move forward completely.

I worry about him. It's bad enough that you got your heart broken. Worse, you don't have your family with you. I pray that he'll get through this phase soon. As he said, he's been acting weird.

I still care for you my friend. I care. Trust me. I know that you know that you can count on me.

Afraid

If there's something I don't to feel right now is be in love with him. I don't want to make my life anymore complicated than it already is. Ironic it may seem. Yes, I am praying for someone. No one specific because I'm praying for someone who God wants me to be with. I am just not sure if I am understanding all the signs. Or if I am just mixing all up with the thought that it could already be him. I am not sure if I am falling for him but I am starting to question my feelings. And it's crazy.

He's definitely not someone who met my standards. But then again, who says of meeting a certain standard? Gosh. I pray for enlightenment. If it is him, I hope it'll be revealed soon. I'm not gonna pursue this time. I'll let tradition take its course.

Gosh byang.

Walking in Circles

We had this activity earlier. We were asked to draw to show where we are at our careers right now and how we were able to get there. I didn't exactly know what to draw at first. But what I know is that I am where I should be right now. I drew a rotunda, with three roads having road blocks and one with growing seeds. I was at the center, and I know I am headed towards the road with growing seeds. But prior to that, I was walking in circles. No exact direction. It took me a long while to be where I am right now. But I am glad that I am already here. On the road I am taking, seeds are just growing and I play a big role in ensuring that these seeds grow properly.

What I need to work on is not to go back on the same path of walking in circles. I am seeing roadblocks but I am more determined in overcoming those. I pray hard not to snap, because anytime soon I will. I am just thankful for those people who keeps me grounded.

I will not walk in circles anymore.

Unsent Letters

I have this habit of writing then forgetting about it. That's why from time to time, when I clean my stuff, I see letters inserted in books, notebooks, boxes, and etc. Lucky for me I don't have parents who pry on my things, else my deepest feelings would not be private anymore. Today, I found yet another letter meant for bo's. If someone else would find that letter, I wouldn't worry. No special something was in it. No secret was revealed. It was a letter I wrote January of last year. Had I sent that letter, things could have had change. I wouldn't have ended the year in a mess. But then again, everything happens for a reason. I may have written that letter from the heart but it wasn't meant to be sent. I have to learn. Looking back, I just smile at everything that had happened. I don't regret doing what I did. Had I not done those things, I wouldn't have grown.

For sure, in the next days, I'll find some of the unsent letters I have. And just like today, I know I will just smile at whatever I wrote on it. It's amazing how you get to be reminded of things you did, crazy things, and you don't feel any bitterness at all. It is such a blessing.

I love writing letters. It's one of the best expression of love for me. In this age of advanced technology, letters have such a wonderful touch of love that warms the heart. I have yet to receive a letter. And whoever would make such an effort, it will be greatly appreciated.

I have yet to write another letter. And I don't have someone to write a letter to. Hopefully, soon.

Phases

Most of the time, people go through phases in order to be where they should be. Sometimes though, some get stuck into specific phases in their lives and tend to be lost. I've been through that phase. I got stuck and didn't know how to move forward. I just gave up. I was unhappy. I was very lost. It took me sometime to get over that phase. It was more than a quarter life crisis. I didn't want to accept the reality that I wasn't where I want to be in almost all aspect of my life. My career has no direction. I don't have a love life (which I think was very vital to my life that time). I disappointed a lot of people because I was lost. And I just gave up on myself. I did trust myself enough. And most esp, I didn't turn to HIM. And with not turning to Him, I didn't turn to friends to. I allowed myself to wallow in my misery. 

Gladly enough, I found that trigger that woke me up. I don't know what that specific trigger was, but then a moment came when I finally accepted to myself that I was unhappy, I was in a mess, and I needed help. So seek help was what I did. And slowly, I am moving forward. I am at a phase where I am fixing all the messes I made with my life. Yes, there are still times that I get disappointed because I can't do anything. But I easily get over those and move forward. I now have that sense of direction. I am not only responsible for myself but for others too. And I know I need to take action, else I'll be lost again.

I am thankful still that though I haven't fully restored my relationship with HIM, I have opened my heart to welcome Him. I am thankful for the opportunities He presents.

As for happiness, it's a choice. And I choose to be happy, despite and inspite the circumstances.

As for love, I pray for that someone. No specific someone yet though. I just pray that I meet the person I am meant to be with.

:D

Happy 3rd Mint Choco!

How time flies. It's been 3 years since I received this wonderful gift from a friend. And funny how just a few days ago I found the card that came along with that gift. I saw it in a book I donated to the office library. The card read,  "Hug __________, when I'm not around. Thanks, Bonito Hehe". I named the mickey mouse stuffed toy as Mint Choco after my fave gelato flavor. It was such a surprise and as a proof of how much I love Mint Choco, I bring it with me everytime I am deployed at a place for a long time. Suffice to say, Mint Choco has been to different places in different mode of transportation (land, water, air).

My initial reaction to the message was, "as if naman ma hug taka maski naa ka?" . But truly, I appreciate this one so much up to this day. A lot of people actually laugh at me because of my attachment to Mint Choco. But I don't care. Over the years, Mint Choco has given me the comfort that I frequently needed. My shoulder to cry on, my listening ear. Maynalang dili siya gatubag kay if motubag siya, bungkag jud ko. Haha

So happy 3rd Mint Choco. And thank you Charlie for this gift. :)

Hunger

Lately, I am always hungry even if I actually am not. I eat a lot and I don't feel full at all. I crave for more food even if I am still eating. This is something to worry about. I am admitting that I am into a stress eating spree. I gave in to my stresses. Or if I look at it in another way, I guess I have this hunger for something. Something I don't know and I turn this into hunger for food. It easy to divert things to food. Need I say more?

I crave for attention. I crave for caring. I crave for love. At the end of the day, even if I divert all my attention, even if I make myself too busy, I know I will crave for these things still. I don't want to be feel and be so alone. I'm just getting so emotional these days.

It Takes a Man and a Woman

I had my apprehensions before I decided to watch this film. I don't particularly like Sarah and she went kind of OA per trailer. But peer reviews said it was fine. And so I decided to watch the movie. Twice, in fact. And for whatever reason, I got so moved by the scenes and cried a lot (even on the second time).

Perhaps I am at a point where I know already what I want. I know already who I wanna be. But I cannot answer yet the long standing question of who I will be with. Lucky for Miggy and Laida that it didn't took time for them to wait. It didn't took time for them to realize that they are each other's reality ever after. But of course, real life stories isn't like in the movies. I can only wish for a Miggy Montenegro. And I can only wish to be a Laida Magtalas too. Oh wait, in more ways I am Laida. I love and I am loyal with the one I love. I can forgive if I choose to forgive. And I don't give up if I know I can still do more. Yes, I dream of a fairy tale but I understand that I  have to live by what is real.

Old Friend

A message from an old friend came as a surprise to me. I mean, we don't communicate often and I didn't expect him to initiate communication. His message was a simple how are you. And this came at an opportune  time. I've been so stressed lately and I definitely need diversion. And I literally need a shoulder to lean on. He just reasoned that out of nowhere,he remembered me. Perhaps, it was natures way of sending my worries away. Hahaha

I've been through a lot with this friend. For several years, I was so broken because of him. But time heals. I cannot say that we are the best of friends but I can consider him a friend. Someone I can be totally honest with. And everytime I get to talk to him, I don't feel any pain anymore. After all, it's been 4 years.

It's nice to be friends with those who once broke your heart. I can't explain the exact feeling but it feels like you are free.

Good times. :)

Gone, Gone, Gone

Wow! This song speaks of undying love. Lucky is the person whom you have dedicated this song to. I am dedicating this song to you.

When life leaves you high and dry
I'll be at your door tonight
If you need help, if you need help
I'll shut down the city lights,
I'll lie, cheat, I'll beg and bribe
To make you well, to make you well

When enemies are at your door
I'll carry you away from war
If you need help, if you need help
Your hope dangling by a string
I'll share in your suffering
To make you well, to make you well

Give me reasons to believe
That you would do the same for me

And I would do it for you, for you
Baby, I'm not moving on
I love you long after you're gone.
For you, for you.
You would never sleep alone
I love you long after you're gone
And long after you're gone, gone, gone.

When you fall like a statue
I'm gon' be there to catch you
Put you on your feet, you on your feet
And if your well is empty
Not a thing will prevent me
Tell me what you need, what do you need

I surrender honestly
You've always done the same for me

So I would do it for you, for you.
Baby, I'm not moving on
I love you long after you're gone.
For you, for you.
You would never sleep alone.
I love you long after you're gone
And long after you're gone gone gone.

You're my back bone,
You're my cornerstone
You're my crutch when my legs stop moving
You're my head start,
You're my rugged heart
You're the pulse that I've always needed
Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating
Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating
Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating
Like a drum my heart never stops beating

For you, for you
Baby I'm not moving on
I love you long after you're gone.
For you, for you.
You would never sleep alone
I love you long after you're gone.
For you, for you.
Baby I'm not moving on,
I love you long after you're gone.
For you, for you.
You would never sleep alone.
I love you long, long after you're gone.

Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating
Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating
Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating
Like a drum my heart never stops beating for you

And long after you're gone, gone, gone.
I love you long after you're gone gone, gone.

Thanksgiving

I was so moved by that workshop a few weeks ago that I promised myself not to wait until my dying days to do those things mentioned. I went home for the holy week. I did that to be able to save. However, I spent even beyond my budget. Out of nowhere, I just decided to gather my relatives and close family friends on Easter. It's a thanksgiving celebration, which was 2 mos overdue. Thanksgiving for the promotion I had. I couldn't celebrate here in Cebu because, I know, not everyone is happy and supportive of what I accomplished. So I celebrated it at home.

I am happy to have celebrated it. It's not always that I get to gather all the significant people in my life. Especially those who have been there from the start. People who have witnessed all my highs and lows. People who are always looking forward to what's next in my life. People, who always believed in me.

I am not a very expressive person. I don't often say my appreciation. I hope with the little celebration I had yesterday, they felt my appreciation.

Thank you Lord for the continuous blessing.