2012

After a day of struggling to fight the sadness I'm feeling, I am still unsuccessful. I even kind of shrug off someone when he greeted me happy new year. That's how bad my not being in the mood is. And so to take a little step further to gaining my sanity back in 2013, I am starting yet again an attempt to look at how my 2012 had been. And why am I starting this article with pics? Well, just to show that I can still smile despite what I'm feeling. The first and the last pic says it all.

I cannot say that 2012 is my best year. What I can say is 2012 had given me the opportunity to reassess where am I, how I feel. With all those plane rides I had, who wouldn't be able to think. It was only in May that I haven't been on a plane.

January started on a very sad note. A colleague, who I later learned was just my age, died on a very tragic car accident just a day before his 28th birthday. Though I didn't dwell much on  the negative side of it because he was one of the most positive person I know. The night before he died he even ym'ed me to remind me to redirect my focus so I can be more productive. In 3 days time it'll be his first death anniversary, he may have had a short life here on earth but I know it was a life well lived. To this day, all the learnings and the goodness he shared are still remembered.

I know I am not much of a positive person. Though I really am trying to. I know I dwell too much on how I was hurt and how life and how people are just so unfair to me.

February and March didn't help much on my resolve to be more positive. I was super used and abused work wise. I was such a bitch during these times because I was so full of anger but I cannot say no to work. I didn't have the courage to anymore fight for my rights yet I take it on to others the anger that I felt. And I did binge on food. That time it was all the comfort I know. I am a fighter and I fight for my rights but there are moments when I'd rather give up and stop. Especially on times when my voice will just fall on deaf ears.

My first quarter reminded me of how unhappy I am of where I was and that I needed to take on a different path. But while I was contemplating on that path, April halted me and begged me to give work another try. I was promoted (though no major impact on salary). I decided to stay on account that they gave me the promotion that I wanted.

Before April ended, I was transferred to Cebu temporarily to help out. This was what I wanted. I want to be away from Davao because it had become a sad place for me. And I know I will continue to dwell on the sadness of being alone had I stayed in Davao.

The Year that Was

It's still the 30th of December but I already feel the need of writing this yearender note. Actually, this is just my way of letting my feelings out right now. I feel so broken. And I am mad at myself for allowing this to happen. I woke up unusually early today. And since I am so lazy to get out of bed, the first thing I did was register to unlinet (which I already planned to avoid network traffic). And so as what I usually do, I opened facebook first and there... a big big bang to the heart. The very first post I saw was a his and her pic. I know it should be anticipated but I hadn't anticipate my reaction. It was like a bullet hit through my heart.  And like a bigger blow to myself, I posted a status which again I shouldn't have. I was and I still am so sad. Perhaps, my heart knew that this was coming. His declaration of love to her (and broadcasting it). This is the reason why I've been dreaming of him and I've been terribly missing him. This is literally a fear that came to life and I don't know how I can face it or how can I cope with it. I did not message for fear that I might say things I'll regret. It's all my fault and I've got no one to blame. But I need somebody else's strength because definitely I cannot face this alone.

The Christmas Wish I Didn't Get

A little over 5 hours to go before Christmas day officially ends. Though I know that Christmas should be a celebration of the birth of Christ, it can't be helped to have a wish for yourself. It has been Christmas's tradition for wishes to be granted. After all it is a celebration of the life of the One Who saved us from sin. And so I have this little wish. I know it was quite impossible to happen but I prayed for it to happen just the same. Yeah, I know, the day is not yet done but I am not keeping my hopes high.

My wish is just simple. To be able to talk to and see him. As a friend told me, he could be my cure for the sickness that I have. Not good to be sick during Christmas by the way.

Anyway, the wish wasn't granted. He called earlier today but I wasn't able to answer/ I don't know if it was just accidentally pressed or he really meant to call because he didn't answer when I called back. I know he is having fun with friends and I cannot be mad at that. And I am not mad. He deserve to have fun.

Though I am quite sad that my wish wasn't granted. I am not bitter at all. Perhaps it's a reminder that I shouldn't be wishing these things anymore/ That I have to set my heart free.

A friend read  the card he gave me and she laughed. Laughed because it was very clear that all he wanted to have with me is friendship/ Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was so clear from the very start. Since he gave me his very first gift on Christmas 2009. I happen to come across the gift card of that gift. There was a very big FRIENDSHIP there/ Just like what the recent card he gave me had.

Well, I hope I won't be wishing for the same thing next Christmas.


Merry Christmas my friend. Merry Christmas!!!

Missing You

It has just been days since we last talked but I cannot explain why I miss you this much. It's a tiring feeling actually. And it's a cycle I don't want to go through again. You know that fear that if I don't reach out first, you won't reach out. And that I cannot reach out first because I don't want to be pathetic. And you know that feeling that everytime you remember it's because you don't have anyone to talk to anymore. I'm just your last option. The extra in case of emergency. This is driving me crazy. And I know that some words I am saying are just plain rubbish and are poor judgment of you. And I hate it.

I am your friend and I know it isn't right for me to judge you. Yet I am. I am mad because I love you. I love you still even if I shouldn't anymore. Missing you isn't good for me. Hayyysss.

If I have one wish this Christmas it would be for my heart to completely let go of loving you. I know that you cannot love me the same way. I know that you don't care. I have to completely accept that. I have to stop that cycle of me waking up everyday with a hope that there's a touch of you remembering me in any form possible. I cannot break my heart everyday anymore. I have to stop loving you so I can stop missing you.

Koreanovela

It has been a while since I watched a koreanovela. I don't know what has gotten into me that i opted to spend my weekend finishing one story. I was supposed to watch The Rise of the Guardians and Samurai X. Maybe, I just didn't want to watch movies alone. I don't want to be alone.

Anyway, there are a lot of learning from the series. About life, friendship, loyalty, equality, and most of all love. And the hopeless romantic me of course delve into the love lessons. One main line that I really love is this "I don't want to be criticized for my feelings because my heart is sincere". Wow, it really hit me to the core. I mean that's what I want. That's how I feel. It's like there is no such thing as wrong love or stupid love as long as the heart is sincere.

My heart sincerely loves that person still. And I guess that says it all.

White Flag, Not in a Thousand Years

I am currently addicted to two songs right now, White Flag and Thousand Years.  I can play these two over and over again and not get tired, esp White Flag. I wouldn't say that I can very well relate to the songs but I would say that there are lines that can very well express what I am currently feeling.


"I will go down with this ship, but i won't put my hands up and surrender. There will be no white flags above my door, I'm in love and always will be"

I really love these lines from White Flag. I know I shouldn't be writing any more things relating to him but then again this is just not about him. Anyway, yes I am broken. No one can really fully understand the pain I am going through. It is not just about unrequited love, but more of losing confidence of who I am because of rejection. I never felt this so unimportant. Yes, I said I was ok but then I realized I really am not. Who am I kidding? But still, I am not raising my white flag. I am not giving up on loving. Perhaps, I gave up on loving him. I know that I am not part of his world. That I just happen to be a chance encounter. He was my world and I cannot allow that to continue. I cannot continue to be pathetic. Thus, I gave up. But then again, giving up on him does not mean that I am giving up on love.

I am not giving up on love and I will not. Someday I know I will find the love that I deserve to have. I deserve to be loved to and be cared for too. I just have to stop on putting him as the center of my universe so I can widen my horizon and see those that I am supposed to see.

To that someone I am meant to be with, "Darling don't be afraid, I have loved you. For a thousand years, for a thousand more years".

Rain Check

August 27, 2012

galupadakongmind.tumblr.com

Rain Check

It all started with a question of why I chose a picture as my profile pic in Facebook, then it ended up with him saying that if I like it then it will work. It was just a typical conversation but it was the push I needed. It answered why don’t I write anymore, why am I in my current state, and why can’t i move forward. Ikaw ba naman ingnan og you should know. Yeah, I should know.

I never really wanted to leave teaching nor leave Cagayan de Oro. The decision to leave was based on all the wrong reasons. Simply put, I just wanted to escape. I was so hurt and I felt so empty that I thought I would be unfair to the institution and specially to my students  if they had a teacher that was so lost. I was unfair to my parents though, l didn’t give them the chance to prepare. Mura lang ko nananghid magmall. Two years after, I can’t say that I didn’t regret my decision but I am standing by my decision. After all. the damage has been done. I miss teaching big time. And even at 27, I’d rather stay with my parents than live in boarding houses somewhere else. 

—

WHY DON’T I WRITE ANYMORE?

Or make that, why can’t I write anymore? 

I am not a writer really. I am not the grammar or vocabulary savvy person. But I used to have journals. I can express myself better in writing. But for the past two years, I seem to have lost my touch. I tried to write. I would buy nice pens and notebooks (a week ago I just bought one) so I would be inclined to write but I can’t even consume five pages. And it would take me longer than the usual to finish something. I even attempted to maintain a blog or blogs but I end up forgetting that I have one. Even that blog intended for one person. Someone had to remind me that it was still up. 

And the answer to the question is,  I wasn’t inspired. My muse bailed out on me when I made that drastic change. Or rather, I completely blocked my muse’s dusts. I created a shield so inspiration wouldn’t hit me. WHY? Because I got tired of pouring out everything yet ending up being judged and not understood.

Crazy, right? Yeah, I am that crazy.

WHY AM I IN MY CURRENT STATE?

I am at my “unhealthiest”. I gained more than ten kilos in two years.  I attribute it mostly to the kind of work I have. It does not allow me to move much and it cause me to binge (on food) because of so much stress and pressure. I can’t say that I don’t have the time for exercise. I can if I want to. But I chose not to. Though once in a while I run or take long walks, I wasn’t consistent. I’d rather lie down or sit just browsing or watching movies. 

And the answer to the question is, I was so consumed with being alone. I embraced it so much that I didn’t want to break the routine of home-office-home or lie-sit-lie. I didn’t realize it but Davao was such a sad place for me. I didn’t have friends (except for my officemates). But I can’t go out much with them because they have kids or other things to attend to. I am used to being surrounded with a lot of people and of noise. I am used to going home late not because of work but because of laag. Laagan kaayo kaha ko. And it all abruptly stopped when I was in Davao.

WHY CAN’T I MOVE FORWARD?

This is vague. But actually I am moving forward with my life. It’s just that I am moving in all directions that I end up still in place. I am sort of tied up that even if I wanted to let go, I can’t. Not just yet. I have to finish the commitments I made.

—

I am in no better position than I was two years ago. I am still hurt and I still feel so empty. But I guess the past two years taught me enough to not escape this time. Even if I am very much tempted to. I am not the wisest person in the world and surely I am not that full of wisdom. But I guess I am mature enough to know that I can’t just go on running away if things goes out of hand or if things are too painful to bear.

Yes, it hurts me when I am made fun of because I’m fat or because I am still single. I can laugh with all the jokes but sometimes it is just too much. It hurts me when people deliberately lie to me. It hurts when people abuse my goodness, esp by those I consider friends. Though I can’t totally blame them because I allow them to. But I wish people should learn when to stop. 

Yes, I really want to quit my job. Not because I don’t like it but because I feel like I am abused. I am good with what I do. And I do finish my job despite my rantings.   But all of my efforts are unrecognized. I am not quitting though. I signed up for this and I will honor what I signed up for.

Yes, the person who told me that I should know all these is the same person who caused me to run away. And no, I don’t blame him. He didn’t do anything. I was just so stubborn and unreasonable that time.

Yes, I loved that person. And I love him still. But no, there’s no more fantasy of having a fairy tale ending. 

Yes, I love myself more now. And I have a renewed self-esteem and self-respect. 

I may have taken rain checks before for the things I should have done but was so lazy, so afraid, so uninspired to do but I will do them now. Not “tomorrow?” as what my friend jested earlier on my remark sagdi lang maniwang lang jud ko, because all will go through a process. And this is a start.