It has been a week since I deactivated my FB. People thought that I deactivated it because of Bo's but actually it's not just because of him. FB had become a constant source of heartache for me. I see conversations, pictures, and status updates that makes me question myself, most esp question my judgment. I know I shouldn't but I am. It's not healthy for me anymore. And I would say that deactivating it helped me this week. I loosened up and somehow there's peace and quiet in my head.
But I know I have to activate soon. It's my best mode of communication with friends. It's my best way of knowing how they are and how they've been.
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Last week I overreacted on something. Or make that, I was in deep pain that I wasn't able to hold back tears. It was immature and selfish in a way because I didn't give the understanding that I should have given. Though I am thankful that it happened. At least, it changed my perspective on things and gave me a firm reason on not to be dependent on people and address my jealous nature. I admit that I am a very jealous friend, esp if I feel that you treat everyone nicely except me. Esp if I see that you allot time for everyone except me. I have overcome this jealousy with some of my friends but it took time and circumstances allowed for that jealousy not to be triggered. Among my friends now, I am mostly jealous because of BO's and RG. And it's not because I am in love with them (I'll write about RG some other time). I admit that I long for their attention and time. And I long for it even more if I see them giving it to other people. Crazy? Yes, it is. For Bo's, for quite a while I overcame my jealousy but it was triggered again. For RG, he's just so distant. And you know that feel that you miss him even if he's just right beside you? Faet.
I am afraid to lose them. That's a fact. Yet I know I couldn't hold them should they want to leave. After all, people move forward and bring along with them those they only need.
It's a sad thought that I don't matter. This is not about self-pity or what. It's a fact. I just don't matter to some people and they deliberately show that.
Oh well. On to my search for peace and quiet.
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