Seeing Him

I didn't say much about it but I was so excited to see RG. I did look forward to this business trip because I'll see him. Though he did not stay long as I wanted him to stay, at least he stayed. It has been almost a month since his deployment and it felt like forever because no matter how I deny it, I missed him. I terribly missed him. I wasn't even conscious anymore of the fact that I ran into him to hug him. It was nothing to him of course, but I don't care. I'm happy to have spent time with him, no matter how short it was. I was able to convinced him to stay last night even it would mean that he'll travel very early today.

I just missed his company. I love him, there's no denying that. But then again, I know I cannot tell it to him. I know he wanted me to reveal it to him. His testing waters, he said. And I was being safe. But that's that. I cannot risk it. I cannot risk the friendship.

All is well between us. I'm happy with that.

That Video Call

It really is different when you actually hear a person talk and see him move.  I'm glad that after a while  I had that chance to talk again and see him again. I was so thrilled that all I did initially was laugh and smile. There's no denying that I miss him.

I laughed at the very first question he asked me. He asked if I was in love with RG. I didn't answer it straight. I don't know. Even if I'm free to talk about it to him, I can't seem to find the answer. Perhaps, in my heart I know that I love RG but it just has to stop. I don't want to go through it all again. And yeah, I just want t to enjoy the feeling this time.

He asked me on what my plans are in the next two years. And I was struck by that because I didn't know what to say. I'm older than him but he seemed to planned out a lot more than I did. He knows what he wants and what he needs to do. Whereas I... I'm stuck. Not that I don't have a choice but I just chose to be where I am right now. Am I happy? I guess I am. I chose to be. Though I cannot yet say that I have fulfilled everything I aim for. I am at a status quo. I'll stay where I am for a while and make changes (better changes). And then I'll move on.

I'm really looking forward to spend time with my friend. We have a lot of things to talk about. There's a story that I didn't know and I want to know. Though it may be of the past already, it's something that I know can close chapters that were forcibly closed.

I wanted to joke last night about us. About us finding each other since we're both looking for a love life. But I realized that it wasn't something that can be joked about.

I'm just so thankful that despite all that had happened. Despite all my drama, we remained friends.  And we continue to be.

Thank you my dear friend. After all, you really are my BO's Coffee.

That Call

I received an unexpected call yesterday. Though I wasn't able to talk to the person clearly because I was on the road, just the same I became so thrilled by that call. Just the thought that someone from far away remembers you and check how you are, that's one big reason enough to feel better. Esp at these times when my mind just flies to different directions because of all the pressures inside. Pressures I cannot let out because I don't want to drag people down. I really thank him for that call. I wasn't that in the mood for the roadtrip yesterday as I was so tired, but the call made me excited.

Anyway, I am looking forward to that conversation. It's been a while since we've talked. 

What I Really Wanted To Say

It's been almost a week since  he left.  And I wouldn't deny that it was quite a week. It's hard to be alone. Our goodbye was quite awkward. I wanted to hug him but I know it would be wrong. I gave him a gift and a letter. The book wasn't very personal, that's why I chose it. But the letter, I tried to make it less personal but I guess I failed. I didn't declare love on that letter though. I was just very honest in saying how sad I was that he'll be away for quite a while. And at a point I think I went overboard. I want to apologize to him for I caused him some discomfort but I didn't want to push it because he didn't talk about the letter. In fact, he only mentioned it once. And we never had any long conversation this week. He didn't even bother asking me how I was. Again, even if he's far away he'd have time for the others around me, except me.

I'm in a difficult phase right now. I have never felt so alone. But then again I cannot dwell on this.

What I really wanted to say in that letter is "I love you. There are no other better words that can express why I care for you like I do. I'm sad that you're leaving because I already learned to depend on your company. Of course I know that you don't feel the same way and there's not even the slightest possibility that you will. But just the same, I love you. I just hope you won't take it against me."

He's Leaving

It's final. He's leaving. I didn't want  that day to come but I know it'll come eventually. In two days he'll be off to someplace. I know it's just near and I know that we'll see each other sooner. But still, it's different. I will go home to an empty place now. And as I often say, I dread the feeling.

For the past months I know we haven't been very ok. He was civil to me and as much as possible he only talks to me about work. It's all my doing. I fell in love with him. I wasn't able to control my feelings. But it's too late for the blame game now. It's just sad though. I became too attached to him that it'll create a big difference now that he'll be away. This is just temporary, I know. But a lot of great deal will happen in that temporary distance. Hahaha I'm getting nowhere with what I am writing. I guess it'll suffice to say that I am not ok. Yes. I don't dream a future with him. There's no possibility for that. I just don't feel good.

Oh well. I guess I just have to enjoy his company before he leaves. 

Responsibility

A project went crazy lately and I understand that everyone involved in that project are too toxic. Even I didn't know what to do anymore for a time. But I guess I depended so much on a senior to back us up just in case. I have a very high tolerance for insults and sarcasm. I can stretch my patience up to as much. I understand that he is not well aware of what the frontliners do for he never experienced what we do. But I expected him to show respect to what we do and not treat us as slaves. I don't know what to call myself anymore after what he did. I know what my responsibilities are. And if there maybe times that I forget, I don't forget something as big as knowing that I am managing a project. When he told me that I was supposed to manage that project and I immediately told him that based on my understanding (and everyone's understanding) it is him who'll manage. I can take responsibility for any wrong thing I do. But what my boss showed is exactly the opposite. As if he tried to pass on the blame. And I guess (even with my little knowledge on project management and leadership) that's a big no-no.

I won't deny the fact that I am bothered. It's bad enough that I am always put in the middle of opposing forces. And then there's this.I am tempted to leave. I can always find something else. It is just that I still can't right now. I cannot let those everyone around me down. I cannot let my team down. With a boss like that, I don't know how can they have an easy life.

Oh well.