That Bitter Pill

In a phone conversation, Sir Chris made me cry. He threw several questions at me and it felt so heavy that I cried. As I was processing the questions and trying to come up with answers, I knew that I was at fault. And that truth is a bitter pill to swallow but necessary.

And though I am not saying that I am totally ok already, I made some realizations while reading a book, having my lunch, at that place where I got my heart crushed almost a year ago. It's hard for people to understand why I still haven't totally moved on from that. From time to time, I joke about it when I am teased. And I would think that I am already over. For the several times that I declared I've moved on, I was wrong. And the circumstance that we are in, is one of the reason. But moreso, I guess, is because of who I am when I choose to love a person.

We work in the same company. And though we might not be in the same office, I would get to work with him. Whether it be in person or thru email or phone calls. From that conversation, I knew I did a lot of crazy stuff. I did even asked for a second chance. But he was firm. The saying that when a guy says he don't like you, he means it, applies to him. To be fair to him, he didn't give me any reason to believe that there's still a chance. It was me who held on. And I am still holding on even if there's nothing to hold on to anymore.

I held on. I caused my own heartache. I always expected that at least I would still be special to him. That he would still care. If I am special or if he cares, I wouldn't know. He doesn't seem to show interest to spend time or talk when we get to be together. And it hurts because, he shows that interest to others. He didn't call me on my birthday but he called and greeted someone else in front of me.

But then again, I don't have the right to expect anything. We're not lovers and I am not sure where we are with our friendship. Perhaps, he doesn't trust me anymore. And it's on me. I wasn't very careful.

So it is all self inflicted. But I am not saying that it was that the whole time. From time to time, I get to get it off my mind. I was ok with the situation. But since it was something that I juts hid somewhere deep within, there are triggers that would cause it to resurface. And this is one of those.

I am under great stress and I lack rest. There are a lot of things going on and the pressure's so high and I am barely coping. And then there's this opportunity to be with him. I was hoping to find comfort in being with his company. But it didn't happen. No how are you's . No dinner. No lunch. No time spent together. And very short interactions. And it was all about work. And so it all piled up. I felt so down and I didn't care if I was so gaga during our videoke session.

I loved him and I love him still. I feel that we are so different in so many ways. But my heart chose to love him. I chose to love him. And I stand by that choice. But yes, I've got to move on. And that I will do. How? I need another cup of green tea to think of that. :p

Seriously. I need to stop getting jealous. Meaning, I need to stop thinking and believing that I am at all important to him in whatever aspect. I need to see that because that is what he consistently show. I don't need to be rejected all the time. I need to learn to brush off the teasing and the questions. I need to stop seeking for his approval. If there is one thing I realized today, it's that, unknowingly, I wanted him to believe in me and in what I do. I wanted him to rally behind me. But it isn't the case. And I get disappointed every time. And it is wrong. I don't need his nod to believe that I can do what I am ought to do.

This wouldn't be an easy process. I would have my ups and downs. I may stray along the way. I would need help. But I know, in the end, everything will be just fine. I would be stronger. I may love him still but the longing wouldn't be there anymore. If he suddenly change his mind? I'll cross it when we're there.

I might just start a diary as suggested by Bianca Gonzales-Intal in her book Paano Ba To. A diary to mend the heart until the entries would be happier stories of moving on outcome.

struggle

Yes, it's an everyday struggle. Everyday, I fight the urge to think of you. Everyday, I fight that feeling of longing. How long has it been? I shouldn't be feeling this anymore. But I still do. So imagine the struggle when I am in a close proximity with you. When you have all the power to make me feel rejected and unwanted. Imagine how painful it is when you constantly make me feel that you don't care if I am here. And here I am, hoping that at least you'll show interest to spend time. 

Bullshit. Crazy. Funny. 

Yes, i love you. I still do. And if I am asked why, I don't know. 

Gosh. 

crazy beautiful you

Last night, Alven and I watched this KathNiel movie. Perhaps, you can call it a typical Pinoy movie, rich kid with family drama. With a poor kid who would become the hero to save the day. Then insert the love story. Haha

The movie was nice. And to prove that I liked it, I declared myself a Kathniel fan. Lol

I have several take away from the movie. I just cant properly articulate them. What stick to mind though was the choices we make. Especially at a point when we are so distressed. We can opt to be selfish or we can opt to consider others.

I don't deny that I am very very stressed right now. I am at a point that my mind can't work properly because it is simply tired. My body is also tired. And it is a challenge because there are decisions I need to make but I cannot make these decisions with an unhealthy disposition.

I pray for a restful sleep tonight. I need to be early tomorrow. I have several unaccomplished deliverables.

Love Life

Funny how in a span of 2 days you were ask of a question with a simple answer of None but you had to expound. Haha I hope I got the sentence right.

My highschool barkada, Kookie, asked for an update regarding each of the barkada's love life. You see, even with technology, we don't get to update each other often. Esp that most already have kids/family to attend to. Only Kookie and I are single and don't have a kid. Anyway, with all the updates, we kept on laughing with the realizations. 1. We don't expose ourselves to meet new people. 2. We keep ourselves blinded by the ideals. 3. High standards? :) 4. Not so smart prayers. Haha seriously though, we might talk/act like we were still in highschool but we do pray that we find the man who's meant for us. 3 friends are already married. 3 are heading down that road. 3 have kids and praying also for partners. And 2 who are in search. :)

I had the same convo with Jasmine. One of my closest friend in college. She texted me to prepare my boyfriend because she wants to meet him. Haha She's in Cebu for a work trip and we haven't seen each other for 3 years. The last fb conversation I had with her was about Prince, so she thought it made progress. Haha Jas got married 5 yrs ago and is blessed with 2 kids. She knows my past heartaches that's why she is excited about my love life.

So what about my love life? I honestly am praying for someone to come. Someone who'll make me feel loved and cared for. I know my parents are looking forward to it also. I guess all those who knows me are looking forward to it.

I pray for a good person, tidy, clean, smells good. Someone who is not intimated by me. Someone who is an established person who can provide for himself and his future family. Someone who knows himself and is confident and proud of what he has achieved. Someone who has a relationship with the Lord. Someone who is good to his family. Someone who can influence me to be healthy. Good looks is just a bonus. Not too young, not too old. :)  I pray for him to come before I turn 31. :D

Gone Too Soon

Most of our batch mates in high school were surprised to learn re the passing of a batch mate, Sorene. Me and my barkada even can't get over the news. We may not be that close to her, but in one way or another she touched our lives.

I don't remember if we became classmates in highschool. Though we were just a small community so we would know almost everyone. I remember her to be one of the more popular kids in school. Smart, talented, pretty, friendly, and she has that distinct voice and a beautiful smile. 

Gone too soon. From what I learned, it was only October of last year that she knew that she had cancer. She fought a good fight and judging from her posts, she didn't lose hope. And being true to the person that she is, she showed so much positivity that you wouldn't know she's going through something. Judging from her friends' posts, she was even the one giving them words of encouragement.

For the past days, I kept on browsing posts about her. And from time to time, me and my friends would have a fb group chat about it. I cannot explain why the browsing. Perhaps, I am trying to get the positivity also from what had happened. I never am the very positive person. It's a constant struggle for me and I keep on working on it. 

Gone too soon. That's what happened to her. But with the kind of person that she is, I believed that she lived a full life. We're just the same age. Me and my fishes friends reminded each other to take care of our health. But more importantly we reminded each other to make the most out of the life and the time we are given here. 

Admittedly, I have a challenge with that right now. I am so overwhelmed with work and the responsibilities that I have plus family concerns, that everything is taking its toll. I'm getting sick and I don't get enough rest. I can't even keep a good smile on my face. I cannot complain. I cannot talk about it to people. I am being careful. I don't want to pass on too much negativity. I don't want to pass on my baggages. 

But yes, I can only take as much. I am lifting everything to you, Lord. I am not yet ready to leave this earth.

that thing called tadhana

I intended to write about the movie. However, it is quite delayed already. I somehow forgot what I was to write about the movie. All I remember is how I gushed over JM. Haha Or maybe I can write about it as I continue with this post.

It's Valentine's day! I remember to have celebrated this last year with a heavy heart. Not because I was heart broken but something bad happened with work. That is something I cannot forget.

This year it's different. I celebrated it with a semi heavy heart. Again, not because I am broken hearted. But because Papa is sick. Fortunately, he is out of the hospital. Quite heavy because I would leave again tomorrow. I'm grateful though that at least we got to celebrate at home over simple dinner with matching heart shaped cake.

While I was walking my dogs earlier, I got to thinking. 6 or 7 years ago, everytime Valentines come I become so giddy. That hopeless romantic in me would always fantasize a lovely surprise that would sweep me off my feet. The only real Valentines date I had was with Charlie 5 yrs ago. No gifts nor flowers just movie, dinner, and videoke. Though it didn't mean anything special, I'm happy that I experienced that. 

Fast track to years after that, I became less excited . To the point that I don't look forward to it. Perhaps, I just grew older that's why. It is just another ordinary day. But if I really come to think of it. It shouldn't be just like any other days. 

Love should always be celebrated. Everyday should always be looked forward to. 

I don't know where I am going with what I am writing. What I simply want to say is, I have come to a point that I am no longer bitter because I don't have a date nor did I receive flowers or chocolates. But I am hopeful that one day my story will unfold. 

presentations

I'm never really good at preparing visuals for presentation. I can talk and talk but you cannot expect me to have a nice visuals to couple it with. And i have that challenge right now. I cannot make a mediocre visuals because it will become a benchmark for those who will be presenting after me. 

I badly need my muse right now. I need to finish my visuals today. 

Someday

It's that season again. Not because it's February but because I feel a lot of pressures right now and the process of weighing a lot of things, hearing a lot of things, the feeling of rejection, and all is really taking its toll on me. But then of course I am such good an artist that it doesn't show. 

Sometimes I want to explode but of course I can't. I signed up for this and I should stand by what I signed up for. 

Oh well. Someday. Someday.

saturday

Last Saturday was my kind of Saturday. I woke up late. Ate late. Then had a movie marathon until past midnight. I am much of a home buddy that I really enjoy staycation. Though it doesn't do me any good most of the time because it does not allow me to move much. Thus, I get bigger.

I opted for that kind of day because I needed to rest. I was sick. I wasn't allowed to rest immediately after an out of town trip because almost everyone at the office got sick and I had a lot of things to finish ( at the office). In fairness, I'm consistent in not bringing work at home. :) And just sticking to the 8-hr working hours. And I will really strive to keep that.

I had a lot of take away from the things I did last Saturday (5 movies and several readings). Probably one of the biggest is finally admitting that there is still that something that I haven't moved on from. And it is something that I am ashamed of sharing. I haven't told anyone about it. And I intend to keep it to myself.

I know it's something that I really need to work real hard. And I cannot procrastinate further. I didn't realize that it was already hurting me. And I cannot continue to hurt myself because of it.

There are just some things that are beyond my control. And no matter how I wanted something, it wouldn't be given if it is not meant for me.

Oh well.

free writing at 1:30 am

And I am at it again. I just finished watching the last of the harry potter series. And i guess I won't have an excuse anymore of not facing what's bugging me. I don't understand but I am very emotional lately. There's an indescribable feeling of both fear and pain inside. I don't want to welcome this feeling because it won't do me any good. But i cannot take it for granted any longer. Though it doesn't directly affect my work, it does drain me. And oftentimes when I am too tired, I don't know reason anymore.

It is unusual for me to cry over something I don't exactly know. I pray that I'll get through this soon. And know exactly what's causing this so I can move forward accordingly.

If I am at Hogwarts, I hope to be deserving of the help it gives.

jdjfurnxirutncnsk

Harry potter instead of the things that's bugging me.

Cannot sleep