Broken

If there's one person who has the power to break me over and over again it's Bo's. I don't know why but it has been that way ever since. It's like a constant battle for his attention and affection. I am a very understanding person and I understand him always. However, this time, I cannot seem to find the right reason to make myself understand. And honestly, I'm broken by the circumstances. And I can't stop my tears from falling. Somebody asked me these:  what did he do? Is his fault that grave? Or you are just selfish? I asked him to expound on the last question, because perhaps I am. Perhaps because of the pain I feel, I am reduced to being narrow minded that I can't see reason anymore. Perhaps I am too selfish that I only care about how I feel.

I wanted to see him badly. That's a fact. I understand that at that time he really can't. Though he could have had told me ahead so as not to put my hopes high. He went home to CDO, I expected that. But how unfair can circumstances be? How can we not be in the same place at a time when we could meet? Then again, the horrors of his return home last year came to mind. We were at the same place, but I seem to have begged for the time. As a friend told me, kung gusto may paraan. Kung ayaw, maraming dahilan. And even up to this moment, I am still hoping that he'd surprise me and visit me here. But then again, he just told me that he's boarding to Manila. Pathetic me.

I cannot blame him, of course. Who am I that he'd go out of his way? Who am I to be given attention? Who am I for him to waste his time, esp at this time? Sorry for the negativity. But if I come to think of it, perhaps I was wrong to assume that I matter to him. Perhaps, I was wrong to believe that. Perhaps, I was wrong to give so much importance on myself. He even forgot to greet me on my Birthday right? Again, I may be wrong to judge. May be he's going through something. And what kind of a friend am I to not understand that. But I've got feelings too. And all the while that I tried to converse or reach out, I was rejected. And that hurts. And I guess I've reached my tolerance for pain already.

Selfish na ko kung selfish. Di ba diay ko pwede masakitan? Di ba diay ko pwede magreklamo na dili na nako kaya? Dili ba diay pwede na mangayo sad ko og understanding panagsa?