The Year That Was

A few hours from now it'll be 2015. And I should be done with my introspecting right now. Haha But I am not. I am still halfway though I am not really sure when to end. What I know is I want to see how my 2014 was for 2015 to be a better year.

While browsing old blog entries, I saw that I set 14 guide points for 2014. I easily forgot about those because it wasn't even halfway through the year, I had several challenges already. I even wrote a very long entry to express my sentiments for the first 5/6 of the year. And who would have thought after writing that, I will be subjected to more challenges.

As what I've shared during our Leadership Training, most of the things that happened to me in 2014 were powerful moments that molded me to be me today. I knew myself more and have come to accept my weaknesses.

I still have a long way to go. I still have to improve on being more positive. I still have to improve on not being very jealous. And I still have to improve on my relationship with people and with Him.

I believe and I claim that in 2015, I'll get there.

Happy New Year!

Letters

A friend posted a pic in my timeline of the letters I sent him. And my initial reaction was "ubay-ubay man diay ni". Haha I don't remember how many I sent but I do remember that it became a habit that time. I was fortunate that there was a post office in the mall. It felt good writing and sending those. It was the best expression of love for me.

I love writing letters. More than the spoken words and actions, I can best express myself through it. Though I seldom give letters now. I am looking forward to the time that I would frequently write again. Oh, I just gave out letters to the team last Christmas. Maybe I should make it often next year.

I look forward to the day that I would be receiving letters too. And not through electronic mail or encoded. Handwritten letters are still the best. Haha

To my friend, thank you for keeping those. If I get to visit you and you still have them, let me read those letters. :p I might discover a thing or two about myself.

Stalking

I've been doing a lot of stalking lately. Hahaha It's not an unhealthy thing because I don't stalk an ex or a crush. Well a girl crush because if she was a man, I'm sure I would have fallen for her but she isn't. Anyway, the stalking is mainly for me to see how the story goes. You see, I have this talent of seeing a potential relationship. Or basin nakatsamba lang ko this time.

I am stalking because I am actually thrilled. If their love story will come true, I would be the president of the fans club. Hihi. So I pray that it will come true.

:)

Pre-Marital Sex

The second installment. 

I feel like writing tonight. My muse sprinkled me with so many dust. :)

PMS is, I guess, a norm today. With all that you see on TV, Movies, and even in your immediate circle. I even am a product of it. But if we based it on Scriptures, it's a no-no. That's why many Christian books would dedicated a Chapter or two on this.

Based on my readings, sex is a pleasurable thing that should be done within the confines of marriage. Again, with what we see everywhere, sex outside marriage is "in" (because of the lustful nature of man). For men, it's a macho points if they lost their virginity early and it's (as if) an added pogi points if they had sex with several women or if they do it frequently. For women, you're out if you still are a virgin. Even those who proclaim that they are devout Christians, fell into this trap. 

I won't judge those who engage in PMS. They have their reasons for doing it. And perhaps, they were placed in a situation that they can never avoid it. I don't deny that I also almost fell into the trap of giving in. I allowed myself to be in that situation. As inconsistent as I am with Church,  I am consistent in believing that I shouldn't do it. Though I often say that I will do it if I love the person, I am still in that era of believing that my virginity is a gift I can give my future partner on our wedding night. 

With this, I pray for someone who would accept me for this. That my love will not be measured by having to engage in PMS. I pray for strength and willpower to avoid the temptations. 

:)

Building a Good Relationship with the Lord

As promised, this is the first installment of the things that got my attention from my current readings.

I am not a pious person. I am not even consistent with going to Church. I had many attempts at being consistent though. There was even a time that I would attend mass every day. My main excuse for not being consistent? The many preoccupations I have. Feeling busy. One thing I know for sure, I believe in Him and I trust that He got my back.

It's no news that I am an NBSB. And for several years I became desperate in trying to change that with all the pressures around me. And I ended up broken so many times. It was only lately that I came to accept the reality and welcome this state. But I had my misses too. When I see a slightest chance of a possible relationship, I turn into someone who would cause the guy to run away. Haha. That's what I end up believing.

Everytime I get to share that I am an NBSB, there are people who would actually give me that certain look. It is as if, I committed a crime. Some would even show look of pity. As if being single at this age means loneliness. There are those who would offer words of encouragement. I understand them though. Sometimes, you reach a point when everybody sees what you have accomplished but still looks for that missing/lacking aspect. And more often that not, they see the love/relationship aspect. But then again, I have come to accept this state but I do pray for the right person to come.

As highlighted in the books, for women esp those who are still waiting for "the one" and most esp for those who are like me, instead of focusing on looking for that person, we should focus on strengthening our relationship with Him. Before entering into a relationship with another person, ensure that the relationship with Him is already there. Do I believe this one? Of course I do. But do I live this one? I strive to. And this time, I pray to be consistent. And not with the intention of finding the one but with the hope to be whole by having Him.

Never Beg

I did a lot of reading these past few days. Part of the Introspection I am going through. What I realized is that I did a lot of begging, implied or not, for attention, love, affection, time, and all else. I really don't mind begging but I think I already should for certain matters/aspects. I shouldn't  beg for affection and time. I guess, I was ok with it before because I have the mindset of going after who I want whatever the price. But you cannot really force things. You cannot force people to stay. At the end of the day, nobody wins in a situation borne out of pity.

So I wouldn't beg anymore. I could choose to care and love those people at a distance but I wouldn't beg for the love and the care in return. If people truly cares and if you truly matter, you wouldn't have to beg.

Lovestruck

You know I have that habit of buying on sale books even if there's a big chance that I don't get to read them. I have so many books to date (and I still want to buy more) and I think I only have read a quarter.

A week ago, I avoided NBS so I won't be tempted to buy. But on the way to a resto I saw OMF books on sale. 50 each and the titles are so catchy. So, I immediately bought 5. 3 are part of the Lovestruck series by Ronald Molmisa. I got attracted to the books because of the titles, esp the first - Mahal Mo Siya, Sure Ka Ba?. Bernard and I were actually laughing while buying the books. Seemed like we can relate. Hugot pa more.

Since each book only has less than 150 pages, I was inclined to read and was able to read two. The one I mentioned earlier and the Sakit Edition of the series. The books are Biblically inclined. After all, it was written by a Pastor and published by OMF. It's very timely for me as I am in the process of introspecting. I often smile while reading because it's true, I can relate. I see myself in the characters. The concepts mentioned may not be new to me, but I can appreciate it more now. Let's just say I've "aged" and became more open to the realities of life and have come to accept and know the person that I am.

There are a lot of things that hit my core, but there are two things that really got my attention as it was repeatedly mentioned. 1. Building a good relationship with the Lord prior to building a relationship with another. 2. Premarital Sex.

And I will write about those in another post.

:)

reunions

It has been a yearly tradition for Papa's co-retirees to have a Christmas Party. Families are invited but I often have an excuse not to join. As I want to save myself from being asked on why I am not yet married or why I don't have a boyfriend yet. You see, these are the people who saw me grow. They were my first cheerleaders. They supported my singing, dancing, modeling, and all else. So of course, they are the same people who would love to see me settle down like how their kids are already settled.

Since I already came to accept that I'll settle when it's meant, I attended last year and this year's party. Today's party was extra emotional because my Ninong suffered from a second stroke and he cannot speak anymore. He cried because of the love shown by everyone. Almost all of the wives present also cried when my other Ninong danced with him.

I became emotional too. Seeing all of them laughing, singing, dancing and simply reminiscing the good old days. As they have spent almost all of their working years together. Even my parents danced (and won the statue dance contest). I'm already 30 so imagine how old they are. I can only pray that all will still be present in the next parties.

Seeing them today made me think of my own life. How I am living it and how I want to see myself when I look back. When I celebrate reunions 30 years from now, I definitely want to reminisce a life that is well lived.

I guess I need to continue on that introspection...

Korea

Wow! It's a very beautiful place and I had an amazing experience. Though I ended up broke, I don't regret my decision to push through with the trip. And if given another chance and if I have the resources, I'll definitely go back.

It's true that when you learn to let go of all that is hurting you and you have no control over, you'll find peace and you'll feel joy. And I did that the moment I set foot on that country. I don't deny that I had so many apprehensions prior that trip. But I let go. Thus, I was able to fully enjoy. And I appreciate my parents concern and love. That despite my mother's hospitalization during that trip, they didn't tell me. They wanted me to enjoy. Even my boss allowed me to enjoy first prior dropping his bomb.

What I treasure most about that trip is the feeling. I think it was the most relaxed I had been this year. And I have jr, bata, abby, yen, milay, and gene to thank for the good company. :)

Looking forward to my next travels. Singapore and Malaysia for my birthday next year. :)

i'm sorry

I know there is a slim chance for you to read this. But I am writing it just the same. This is probably a coward act because this is better told in person. However, this is the only way I can think of to let this out now.

I maybe just overreacting but I feel that you are mad at me. And you have that firm resolve of not talking to me. I don't understand but I respect that.

I broke your trust. It was a lapse in judgment. No excuse would suffice. And I cannot force you nor forever beg you to talk to me.

I'll just ask for your forgiveness and understanding.

It is sad. It is heartbreaking. But I respect it.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

Christmas is definitely one of my fave time of the year. It has always been a tradition for family friends and relatives to celebrate Christmas day at home. I always enjoy buying and wrapping gifts. I want for kids to feel and experience that thrill of knowing that you have something to look forward to.

I'm guilty this year because I haven't prepared any gifts. In fact, I recycled some gifts (gave last year's unclaimed gift to other kids this year). I have no excuse but the fact that I really had a hard time looking. It was easy for the past years because they were still kids. Now, they are all grown up. Some are even taller than me. I don't know what's in with today's generation. Haha. I'm that old. I ended up giving cash instead.

Next year, I promise to prepare. 

As for me, the best gift I received this year is my parent's health. Yes, they are under medication but at least they are ok. And I pray ana lang unta permi. I also pray for better relationships. I pray for strength.

Merry Christmas! :)

i should stop calling you

This is heartbreaking.

Can I beg for you not to stop? 

leadership

It was my first time to attend the company's strategic planning. It wasn't the typical planning that I expected it to be. It was more of an enablement session. I was mostly an observer during the whole activity. Well I usually am. I just talk whenever there is a specific point that I want to be emphasized. And I am glad that observed because I was able to compare, contrast, and validate. I was able to introspect.

I need introspecting right now esp with the new role I am taking. Everything happened so fast that I didn't get to see everything. All I know is that I welcome this thing and I know I can do it. As what my boss said, he was pleasantly surprised as to how I took everything calmly. I was calm about everything mainly because I know that I was trusted and I trust the immediate circle that I'll be working with.

Again, I'm glad that I was able to introspect. It's important to know what I am bringing in and what help I need. And I'm glad that with the activity, I became more confident because I saw that the leaders of this company are gearing towards not just the growth of the business but also of the growth of the employees. Results may not be immediate but happy that actions are taken.

Several people approached me and told me that this will not be an easy ride for me. It'll be a roller coaster ride next year. But I am positive that I can get through. Thanks to people's assurance.

I just pray for my team's cooperation and open mindedness. And I hope they get to see that whatever I do will be for their best interest.

Ck

Gahinay Hinay Gagawas mga sungay sa mga tao.  Kasabot man nuon .  I just pray na dili moabot sa point na Sila ang madaot tungod Ana.  Mga bata pa ra ba Sila.

Weird

Girl's instinct. gosh. wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

noooooooooooooooooooooo

plssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

noooooooooooooooooooooooooo

:(

Pls dont make it seem that this is another promise you regret making.

Dec 1

I love surprises. Sweet surprises, that is. It makes me feel so special and loved. I just can't fully fathom yet the surprises I've had when I got back from Korea. I wilk write anout that trip in a separate post.

Anyway, first surprise was my mother was in the hospital. She was hospitalized while I was busy being thrilled with Everland. They didn't tell me because they don't want to spoil my vacation. Good that she's ok now.

The biggest surprise was, my boss is resigning. And I am taking over his post. I was so surprised that I didn't react. I understand the reason why he's leaving. But it is all so fast that I cannot process my reaction. I'm sad that he's leaving. I'm happy for the opportunity that was opened for me.

This is something very big for me. I know I can do it but a lot of things should change.