2012

After a day of struggling to fight the sadness I'm feeling, I am still unsuccessful. I even kind of shrug off someone when he greeted me happy new year. That's how bad my not being in the mood is. And so to take a little step further to gaining my sanity back in 2013, I am starting yet again an attempt to look at how my 2012 had been. And why am I starting this article with pics? Well, just to show that I can still smile despite what I'm feeling. The first and the last pic says it all.

I cannot say that 2012 is my best year. What I can say is 2012 had given me the opportunity to reassess where am I, how I feel. With all those plane rides I had, who wouldn't be able to think. It was only in May that I haven't been on a plane.

January started on a very sad note. A colleague, who I later learned was just my age, died on a very tragic car accident just a day before his 28th birthday. Though I didn't dwell much on  the negative side of it because he was one of the most positive person I know. The night before he died he even ym'ed me to remind me to redirect my focus so I can be more productive. In 3 days time it'll be his first death anniversary, he may have had a short life here on earth but I know it was a life well lived. To this day, all the learnings and the goodness he shared are still remembered.

I know I am not much of a positive person. Though I really am trying to. I know I dwell too much on how I was hurt and how life and how people are just so unfair to me.

February and March didn't help much on my resolve to be more positive. I was super used and abused work wise. I was such a bitch during these times because I was so full of anger but I cannot say no to work. I didn't have the courage to anymore fight for my rights yet I take it on to others the anger that I felt. And I did binge on food. That time it was all the comfort I know. I am a fighter and I fight for my rights but there are moments when I'd rather give up and stop. Especially on times when my voice will just fall on deaf ears.

My first quarter reminded me of how unhappy I am of where I was and that I needed to take on a different path. But while I was contemplating on that path, April halted me and begged me to give work another try. I was promoted (though no major impact on salary). I decided to stay on account that they gave me the promotion that I wanted.

Before April ended, I was transferred to Cebu temporarily to help out. This was what I wanted. I want to be away from Davao because it had become a sad place for me. And I know I will continue to dwell on the sadness of being alone had I stayed in Davao.

The Year that Was

It's still the 30th of December but I already feel the need of writing this yearender note. Actually, this is just my way of letting my feelings out right now. I feel so broken. And I am mad at myself for allowing this to happen. I woke up unusually early today. And since I am so lazy to get out of bed, the first thing I did was register to unlinet (which I already planned to avoid network traffic). And so as what I usually do, I opened facebook first and there... a big big bang to the heart. The very first post I saw was a his and her pic. I know it should be anticipated but I hadn't anticipate my reaction. It was like a bullet hit through my heart.  And like a bigger blow to myself, I posted a status which again I shouldn't have. I was and I still am so sad. Perhaps, my heart knew that this was coming. His declaration of love to her (and broadcasting it). This is the reason why I've been dreaming of him and I've been terribly missing him. This is literally a fear that came to life and I don't know how I can face it or how can I cope with it. I did not message for fear that I might say things I'll regret. It's all my fault and I've got no one to blame. But I need somebody else's strength because definitely I cannot face this alone.

The Christmas Wish I Didn't Get

A little over 5 hours to go before Christmas day officially ends. Though I know that Christmas should be a celebration of the birth of Christ, it can't be helped to have a wish for yourself. It has been Christmas's tradition for wishes to be granted. After all it is a celebration of the life of the One Who saved us from sin. And so I have this little wish. I know it was quite impossible to happen but I prayed for it to happen just the same. Yeah, I know, the day is not yet done but I am not keeping my hopes high.

My wish is just simple. To be able to talk to and see him. As a friend told me, he could be my cure for the sickness that I have. Not good to be sick during Christmas by the way.

Anyway, the wish wasn't granted. He called earlier today but I wasn't able to answer/ I don't know if it was just accidentally pressed or he really meant to call because he didn't answer when I called back. I know he is having fun with friends and I cannot be mad at that. And I am not mad. He deserve to have fun.

Though I am quite sad that my wish wasn't granted. I am not bitter at all. Perhaps it's a reminder that I shouldn't be wishing these things anymore/ That I have to set my heart free.

A friend read  the card he gave me and she laughed. Laughed because it was very clear that all he wanted to have with me is friendship/ Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was so clear from the very start. Since he gave me his very first gift on Christmas 2009. I happen to come across the gift card of that gift. There was a very big FRIENDSHIP there/ Just like what the recent card he gave me had.

Well, I hope I won't be wishing for the same thing next Christmas.


Merry Christmas my friend. Merry Christmas!!!

Missing You

It has just been days since we last talked but I cannot explain why I miss you this much. It's a tiring feeling actually. And it's a cycle I don't want to go through again. You know that fear that if I don't reach out first, you won't reach out. And that I cannot reach out first because I don't want to be pathetic. And you know that feeling that everytime you remember it's because you don't have anyone to talk to anymore. I'm just your last option. The extra in case of emergency. This is driving me crazy. And I know that some words I am saying are just plain rubbish and are poor judgment of you. And I hate it.

I am your friend and I know it isn't right for me to judge you. Yet I am. I am mad because I love you. I love you still even if I shouldn't anymore. Missing you isn't good for me. Hayyysss.

If I have one wish this Christmas it would be for my heart to completely let go of loving you. I know that you cannot love me the same way. I know that you don't care. I have to completely accept that. I have to stop that cycle of me waking up everyday with a hope that there's a touch of you remembering me in any form possible. I cannot break my heart everyday anymore. I have to stop loving you so I can stop missing you.

Koreanovela

It has been a while since I watched a koreanovela. I don't know what has gotten into me that i opted to spend my weekend finishing one story. I was supposed to watch The Rise of the Guardians and Samurai X. Maybe, I just didn't want to watch movies alone. I don't want to be alone.

Anyway, there are a lot of learning from the series. About life, friendship, loyalty, equality, and most of all love. And the hopeless romantic me of course delve into the love lessons. One main line that I really love is this "I don't want to be criticized for my feelings because my heart is sincere". Wow, it really hit me to the core. I mean that's what I want. That's how I feel. It's like there is no such thing as wrong love or stupid love as long as the heart is sincere.

My heart sincerely loves that person still. And I guess that says it all.

White Flag, Not in a Thousand Years

I am currently addicted to two songs right now, White Flag and Thousand Years.  I can play these two over and over again and not get tired, esp White Flag. I wouldn't say that I can very well relate to the songs but I would say that there are lines that can very well express what I am currently feeling.


"I will go down with this ship, but i won't put my hands up and surrender. There will be no white flags above my door, I'm in love and always will be"

I really love these lines from White Flag. I know I shouldn't be writing any more things relating to him but then again this is just not about him. Anyway, yes I am broken. No one can really fully understand the pain I am going through. It is not just about unrequited love, but more of losing confidence of who I am because of rejection. I never felt this so unimportant. Yes, I said I was ok but then I realized I really am not. Who am I kidding? But still, I am not raising my white flag. I am not giving up on loving. Perhaps, I gave up on loving him. I know that I am not part of his world. That I just happen to be a chance encounter. He was my world and I cannot allow that to continue. I cannot continue to be pathetic. Thus, I gave up. But then again, giving up on him does not mean that I am giving up on love.

I am not giving up on love and I will not. Someday I know I will find the love that I deserve to have. I deserve to be loved to and be cared for too. I just have to stop on putting him as the center of my universe so I can widen my horizon and see those that I am supposed to see.

To that someone I am meant to be with, "Darling don't be afraid, I have loved you. For a thousand years, for a thousand more years".

Rain Check

August 27, 2012

galupadakongmind.tumblr.com

Rain Check

It all started with a question of why I chose a picture as my profile pic in Facebook, then it ended up with him saying that if I like it then it will work. It was just a typical conversation but it was the push I needed. It answered why don’t I write anymore, why am I in my current state, and why can’t i move forward. Ikaw ba naman ingnan og you should know. Yeah, I should know.

I never really wanted to leave teaching nor leave Cagayan de Oro. The decision to leave was based on all the wrong reasons. Simply put, I just wanted to escape. I was so hurt and I felt so empty that I thought I would be unfair to the institution and specially to my students  if they had a teacher that was so lost. I was unfair to my parents though, l didn’t give them the chance to prepare. Mura lang ko nananghid magmall. Two years after, I can’t say that I didn’t regret my decision but I am standing by my decision. After all. the damage has been done. I miss teaching big time. And even at 27, I’d rather stay with my parents than live in boarding houses somewhere else. 

—

WHY DON’T I WRITE ANYMORE?

Or make that, why can’t I write anymore? 

I am not a writer really. I am not the grammar or vocabulary savvy person. But I used to have journals. I can express myself better in writing. But for the past two years, I seem to have lost my touch. I tried to write. I would buy nice pens and notebooks (a week ago I just bought one) so I would be inclined to write but I can’t even consume five pages. And it would take me longer than the usual to finish something. I even attempted to maintain a blog or blogs but I end up forgetting that I have one. Even that blog intended for one person. Someone had to remind me that it was still up. 

And the answer to the question is,  I wasn’t inspired. My muse bailed out on me when I made that drastic change. Or rather, I completely blocked my muse’s dusts. I created a shield so inspiration wouldn’t hit me. WHY? Because I got tired of pouring out everything yet ending up being judged and not understood.

Crazy, right? Yeah, I am that crazy.

WHY AM I IN MY CURRENT STATE?

I am at my “unhealthiest”. I gained more than ten kilos in two years.  I attribute it mostly to the kind of work I have. It does not allow me to move much and it cause me to binge (on food) because of so much stress and pressure. I can’t say that I don’t have the time for exercise. I can if I want to. But I chose not to. Though once in a while I run or take long walks, I wasn’t consistent. I’d rather lie down or sit just browsing or watching movies. 

And the answer to the question is, I was so consumed with being alone. I embraced it so much that I didn’t want to break the routine of home-office-home or lie-sit-lie. I didn’t realize it but Davao was such a sad place for me. I didn’t have friends (except for my officemates). But I can’t go out much with them because they have kids or other things to attend to. I am used to being surrounded with a lot of people and of noise. I am used to going home late not because of work but because of laag. Laagan kaayo kaha ko. And it all abruptly stopped when I was in Davao.

WHY CAN’T I MOVE FORWARD?

This is vague. But actually I am moving forward with my life. It’s just that I am moving in all directions that I end up still in place. I am sort of tied up that even if I wanted to let go, I can’t. Not just yet. I have to finish the commitments I made.

—

I am in no better position than I was two years ago. I am still hurt and I still feel so empty. But I guess the past two years taught me enough to not escape this time. Even if I am very much tempted to. I am not the wisest person in the world and surely I am not that full of wisdom. But I guess I am mature enough to know that I can’t just go on running away if things goes out of hand or if things are too painful to bear.

Yes, it hurts me when I am made fun of because I’m fat or because I am still single. I can laugh with all the jokes but sometimes it is just too much. It hurts me when people deliberately lie to me. It hurts when people abuse my goodness, esp by those I consider friends. Though I can’t totally blame them because I allow them to. But I wish people should learn when to stop. 

Yes, I really want to quit my job. Not because I don’t like it but because I feel like I am abused. I am good with what I do. And I do finish my job despite my rantings.   But all of my efforts are unrecognized. I am not quitting though. I signed up for this and I will honor what I signed up for.

Yes, the person who told me that I should know all these is the same person who caused me to run away. And no, I don’t blame him. He didn’t do anything. I was just so stubborn and unreasonable that time.

Yes, I loved that person. And I love him still. But no, there’s no more fantasy of having a fairy tale ending. 

Yes, I love myself more now. And I have a renewed self-esteem and self-respect. 

I may have taken rain checks before for the things I should have done but was so lazy, so afraid, so uninspired to do but I will do them now. Not “tomorrow?” as what my friend jested earlier on my remark sagdi lang maniwang lang jud ko, because all will go through a process. And this is a start.

24/7 In Love

Saw this movie the other night and can't help but smile on the stories that were shown. Though the stories were squeezed to fit the 2 hour or so movie allotted time, the movie was able to convey what it aimed to convey.

The movie revolved on the concept of what would one do if it is the end of the world and/or before the world ends. Given the Mayan's prediction that the world will end on Dec 21, 2012.


Here's my summary of the stories and my take on some. I am not a story teller and I am not an expert on life, so please don't judge me. :D


1. Pokwang (Virginia) and Sam Milby (Charles)

        Virginia is a 40-yr old virgin who waited for 20 long years for the guy she loved who ended up impregnating another girl. When asked, what will she do if it's the end of the world... She'd give up her virginity.
       Charles is a fil-am who tried his luck in the Philippines but failed. He badly needs money to be able to go back to the States.
       To address Virginia's state, a friend helped her out to choose a guy from a website and there they found Charles.
       Though nothing really happened between the two despite meeting several times (as Charles is really not a "call boy"), they ended up as long-distance lovers.


        I guess it would suffice to say that in both their desperate states, they found comfort in each other. I know society would ridicule these desperate acts done by the two. But then again, if we look down to their core, we'll know that a lot of people are going through the same. And because they badly want to get out of the shit they are in, they do things that perhaps deviate their own principles. Lucky for these two they have found each other, but what about the rest? What about those who struggle and cannot find someone who can help them out of their mess? 
         Personally, I have been into a Virginia and a Charles state. Lucky for me I have those who helped me through it all. Else, I would have ended a mess. So what can I do for others, I guess I can be a more sensitive friend.


2. Deither and Maja ( I forgot their Characters)

          Their's is a story of a Secretary (Maja) who is madly in love with her Boss (Deither).  Deither was the one who was asked what would he do if it was the end of the world and he answered that he wants to just party. Deither is a womanizer who is not into commitments. One day, a child was left in his room with a note that he is his child.  Now this child changed his perspective. Made him admit to Maja that he is afraid to love again because of a prior heartbreak. With this conversation she was able to open his mind and his heart to give love a chance, to   give her a chance. Though it ended up that the baby was not his, he adopted him and made Maja the adoptive  mother.

         
           There are people who masks their brokenness by playing around. Just like what Deither did. And I cannot blame him. When we get our heart really broken, it's really hard to recover. We often fake the recovery, mask it with something, then go on without really moving on. And it would take a lot more than a one night conversation to change that. Lucky for Deither to have a Maja who didn't give up on him, who loved him despite and inspite. It was hard, for sure, for Maja to be loving without being loved. But it was her choice and she was triumphant in the end. Actually they both were. 
           But then again, not all stories end like the way it ended for them. Not all Deither's can open their heart and have a Maja to help them. And not all Maja can be loved the same way she loves. Now, that's tragic. But in the end, one has to make a choice. After all, loving is a decision.


3. Bea (Belle) and Zanjoe (Butch)

             Belle and Butch are bestfriends since High School. They live in the same house. They work together. They love each other very much (as friends). Belle was the one who was asked and her answer was to be with the one she loves.  She obviously loves Butch more than a friend but Butch doesn't feel the same way. He's gay. Butch was set to leave for Milan to enroll in a Fashion School. On the night of their celebration, he got drunk and this allowed Belle to pull a prank that they had sex.
             Because of that prank and because of they will be separated, Butch got confused. Somehow he was considering that maybe, just maybe, he was after all in love with Belle. One action done by Belle (that is told Butch's boyfriend that Butch wasn't ready to leave yet) caused a confrontation between her and Butch. In this confrontation, Butch apologized because he cannot love Belle the way she wanted to. That he cannot change who he was. That all he could ever be is a friend to her.
             This ended up with Belle surprising Butch with a send-off party. Their friendship prevailed.

 
             This is my favorite story in the movie. Suffice to say that I've been into friendships that were put to a test. I crossed that line of loving a friend. And I guess there are a lot of people who went through the same. It isn't easy. Taking that risk of losing the friendship because you loved the other as more than friends, is a hard decision to make. There are friendships that were really broken because of it. Lucky for Belle and Butch that   they so love each other, that their friendship is that strong to have stand the test it went through. And lucky for me, I guess, because I have solid friendships.
             This I have learned, you cannot force a person to love you the way you wanted to be love. Just be content that he/she loves you the way he/she can.
     
4. Angelica and John Lloyd with the Special participation of Coco Martin

             It was Angelica who was asked and her answer was to get revenge from the person who hurt her the most.
             Angelica was cheated on by her husband so she went to Malaysia to escape. There she met John Lloyd who got attracted to her, thus, accompanied her to a day's tour. They ended up almost having sex. It didn't happen because Angel was so distracted plus she noticed that the bracelet her husband gave to her was missing. This gave John Lloyd a hint and left after telling Angel not to give up and give her marriage a chance.
            This ended up with Angel reconciling with her husband, Coco.

5. Piolo, Zaijan, and Xyriel

6. Kim and Gerald

7. Kathryn and Daniel

              Their story is the story that intertwined the rest. Daniel was a popular singer who made a contest with a date with him as a prize. Since Kathryn is an avid fan, she joined the contest and won. Her winning piece is a video compilation of the some of the characters above answer to the question what they'll do if it was already the end of the world. And her own answer as the final clip. Her answer was, same as her older brother's (John Lloyd) answer, to be with family.

                 At some point in our lives we get so obsessed with one thing that we'll do anything to get it. And there's nothing wrong with that as long as we don't forget what really matters. Kathryn was willing, at first, not to go to their family reunion because it contradicts with Daniel's concert schedule. But later on realizes that family is more important.
                Again, we go through that phase where we are willing to sacrifice family time to be with others. Because we know family will always be there. But sometimes, we tend to go overboard. That even on the most important occasions, we choose to be with others than our family.
                 Well, I know, not just on the end of the world, but everyday I want to be with family.

                 Everyone I love, I consider family. :D
               
           
     
     

Moon

There was a time that I was so inspired with writing poems. Though I don't know if those I've written will qualify but still, I am just glad that I tried.


Moon
Poem compilation
April 11, 2004

it is late

i can't sleep

i sit by the window

playing songs of the heart

the moon's so bright

thin layer's of clouds on the sky

a teardrop fell

then came another

in split seconds, tears are already falling

i am crying

still a smile on my face

 a memory of you flashes back

sweet roses, sweet kisses

underneath the moonlit sky

talking, sharing words of love

never seem to fade

yet will only be a memory 

of once a you and me

it is late

i need to sleep

tomorrow's another day

songs will be played

the moon will be brighter, i hope

clouds would be as beautiful

a teardrop will surely fall

but it has to end there

i have to stop crying

my smile will always be there

create new memories

sweet togetherness, sweet caresses

on a brand new day

doing wonderful things for love

that cannot fade

it is sad that you'll just be a memory

there's no more you and me

Thank You

I thought this process would be as hard as I thought it would be. I thought it would take me a long while to get over with the pain. But I thought wrong. i don't know if it is because of age or because of who the person is or because of how deep the love is or because of how deep the friendship is. But whatever the reason maybe, I am just glad that I can smile and laugh truthfully. 

The conversation really did help a lot. I know, that despite all my drama, I can't and I won't let him be out of my life. Because first and foremost, he is a dear friend. AGAIN, I won't let this "feeling" get in the way.

So to you my dear friend, thank you. 
     Thank you for listening and not passing on judgment.
     Thank you for saying that there is nothing wrong with me. I really needed that.
     Thank you for making me smile and laugh again. 
     Thank you for the honesty.
     Thank you for the sweet little gestures.
     Thank you for asking how I am.
     Thank you for not getting tired of my drama.
     Thank you for giving me my two sleeping buddies.
     Thank you for the apology but more so thank you for the appreciation. 
     Thank you for being there. 

      I am just so thankful that I can be honest with you. That even if you were put on a bad light because of what I said and went through, you didn't "walked away".

And to quote that card you gave, "thanks not only for the big things but also for the thirty-two million little things"

:D

Mao Man!

Someone told me last night that when it is time, love will definitely come.

Mao Man!

Facebook Note

Feb 13, 2011

Not A Love Story

There are just some things that are not meant to be. You find someone you thought can complete the long awaited love story you wanted but then he/she ends up completing another’s. Then you’re left sulking in a corner, feeling so down, feeling sorry for yourself because you are not good enough to complete his/her love story.

At some point, I guess boys and girls or men and women alike go through this cycle. Of finding love, losing it, and finding it again until the story is complete. I myself went through this, though I haven’t found love again and my story isn’t complete yet.

Every now and then I hear and I see love stories that I can somehow relate to and eventually learn from.  And I can’t help but think of my own. I realized that I’ve got lot of stories to tell but not a love story.  Yes, I fell in love once or twice but it is all one way. So there isn’t a love story after all. I used to feel sorry for myself because when everyone else has theirs to share, I don’t.  But eventually I have come to terms with the fact that if it is meant to be, that someone who will complete my story will come.

Since it is the love month, I would like to share some of the things I picked up from all the stories I’ve heard and the things I learned from my own experience of loving.  I will not elaborate much. I am no expert. I know you’ll get my point.

Know yourself

                There is no greater way of sharing a story with someone than knowing the kind of person you are bringing into that story.  Though knowing oneself is a process and that someone might contribute to that but in general you should know who you are, what you want and the like.

Love yourself

                It’s a simple principle. You cannot share what you don’t have. 

Be Complete

                Some have this notion that they enter into a relationship because the other person completes them.  This shouldn’t be.  You must bring into the relationship the complete you.

Love knows no measure

                It is not important who loves more. What is important is the love must be real.

Age does (not) matter

                Love can strike anyone at any given time. It knows no age. For a love story to work it is not a matter of how young or old a person is but how mature.

Don’t Cheat

                Any form if cheating breaks trust and confidence. And once trust is broken it is hard to gain it back.

Don’t Play Around

                Others find satisfaction at playing with others feelings. It’s a fact that some, at first, doesn’t want to commit so they just play around. But one must learn when to draw the line and stop.

Fight if it is worth it, Let go when it is time

                You must know when to fight and when to let go. It is hard and it is painful to stay in a relationship that is falling apart.

There is no such thing as I cannot live without you

                Building a world around someone can be tragic in the end.

Know where you stand

                Sometimes what breaks a good story is when one assumes something and the other thinks otherwise. So you must know where you stand in a relationship and act accordingly.

Love is not lust

                No need to elaborate.

Experience is the best teacher

                One can never truly learn without going through the process. Others are lucky enough that at first shot they find the one to complete their love story while others have go through some tough times to fully learn and find that someone.

In HIS perfect time

                Love will come and stay when it is time.

Learning all of these and the rest of what I’ve learned about took time. I’ve fallen a lot of times. And sometimes I still sulk in a dark corner and cry.  Sometimes I am just too stubborn.  But then again I know it is all part of the journey until that perfect time comes.

Of Memories That Sticks

No need for me to expound. I am just happy that yet again, these chopsticks reminded me of  what truly matters.  

Of Memories That Sticks

Facebook Note

January 7, 2012

Since I got back, I haven't had the chance to clean until now. While going through my things, I saw a pair of chopsticks. It's an ordinary kind that you often see in restaurants. I cannot anymore remember the name of the restaurant(somewhere in Greenbelt) where I got it from but I remember exactly why I kept it.

It was August 5, 2010,  my last day of training in Manila and I will be flying to CDO the next day. It was also the last time I'll be seeing a friend before he migrates. Since he cannot accompany me to the airport, we decided to have dinner instead. It was a fun dinner, well there was never a dull moment with this friend. He never fails to make me laugh even if he is crying! Anyway, before we left the resto I ask him to write me a message on the resto's tissue and write his name on the chopsticks. He's not the type to give notes and the like, I just forced him to because I know I won't be seeing him in a long time. Right now, I cannot help but smile at the memory of this day,esp after we parted. I literally cried during the whole MRT ride from Ayala to Shaw Blvd station. I didn't mind all the people looking at me.

Funny how I am reminded of this memory at this time. Especially that it wasn't such a good welcome week of 2012.I cannot fully expound on the how's and the why's though.

I am reminded of how vital every little moments we spend with the people we love and every waking hour that we have. We should make memories while we can and make sure that we keep chopsticks to to remind us in case we forget.

Grabeh ka Papha!

Now this.

This was my revelation. I guess by this time he already knows how I feel. 

See, from the start I knew how this will all end. But I was so stubborn to listen to my mind. And look where it has gotten me. But then again, no regrets. Hahaha

Grabeh ka Papha!

October 18, 2009

byang1011.multiply.com

for the past two years i protected my heart from any threat of possible heartache because i am not that strong anymore to face another  and i was successful (i think) because i was not heartbroken since then. though i have totally disregarded the whole idea of being in love. of falling in love.

but unexpectedly, something happened to my heart. for whatever reason it just started to fall for someone i didn't expect to fall for. no matter how i reason with my heart it just wouldn't stop. it is as if i have overprotected my heart for the past years that it wants to get out already of whatever kind of protection i covered it with.

and i am worried because i know from the start that this would be another unrequited love. and this is what i had been avoiding. i cannot anymore carry the pain of loving someone and not being loved in return. i may say that it is ok, that i won't and i don't expect anything, that i would just love him in silence...it still would hurt in the process. again, i cannot anymore carry the pain. my heart is very much wounded already.

the feeling is not that strong yet but it is getting there. i am just glad that i'll have a few days to get away from everything and reason with my heart in silence, in peace. i really have to stop this because (as much as i don't want to think or believe so) loving him would be the craziest thing i will ever do

The Star That Wouldn't Fall

I forgot to write the date but I'm sure this was during my CPA Board Exam Review (April-Sept 2005). The piece of paper I used is my scratch paper for computations. This was for someone I was very in love with that time. Of course, the feeling has been long gone. Actually, I just laugh at everything I went through that time. But I have to admit though, it took me a long while to recover from that. It was some kind of a complicated situation. I am just thankful that despite that, I passed the Board Exam. :D


(unedited)


THE STAR THAT WOULDN'T FALL

I saw a happy shining star
    in the midst of a crazy crowd
I was captivated by its brightness
    that I didn't want to miss its sight.
I have appreciated its beauty,
    have fallen for it.
I hold dear in my heart
    the magic its  light brings.


In the darkness of the night,
     it continues to show its presence.
In the brightness of the day,
     it whispers with the wind.
In the sound of the pouring rain,
      it sings the rhythm.
In the silence of the dawn,
      it patiently protects.


I have loved the idea of the star
      being a part of my life.
I lived with the thought
      that it's the answer to a prayer
I didn't realize that in the process
      I acted selfishly
I wanted it all for myself
I wanted to hold it in my hand
      to be just beside me always.


I eventually lost it
I turned it away from me
In forcing it to stay, it left
It went back to  the crazy crowd
      where I first saw it.
It saddened me so much
      that I felt lost most of the time.
I even came to a point of fearing people
      of blaming them with the emptiness I felt.


Yet now,
I understand things as they are.
I reached for the star's help
   and it happily extended its light to me.
In the crowd where it lives,
    many have joined to share its brightness.
I still am most welcomed but
    I don't think I can fit in.
I have to forgive myself first
I have to heal the wound I've caused myself
I have to accept that
   it is the star that
   wouldn't leave the sky just for me.




-byang <3-
filipiniana library, XU 
3:10 PM

Of Journals and Blogs

I am fond of collecting notebooks and pens. This is because I like to write my thoughts because I can better express myself  in writing. But a typical Filipino, I have this "ningas-cogon" attitude. I am just good at starting a journal but after a few pages, I stop. It's either I get bored, or lazy, or I saw a better notebook to start on. Just like on the blogs I started. I have had a few. But before I reach ten posts, I stop. Perhaps, the most consistent blog I've maintained was that blog dedicated to someone while he was out of reach. Which I already deleted. It was my most honest expression of love and loyalty for that person. I had to delete it because someone else was able to read it. I regret deleting it though. I want to read it all over again. To help me better understand the process I am going through right now.  All the while I thought that the person I dedicated it to wasn't able to read it. But he did.

Anyway, I came across a note I wrote over two years ago. And funny how two years after I am writing of the same things about the same person. I'm still writing about moving on. So much for my resolve two years ago. I still haven't moved on. One thing that struck me most in that note though, is the fact that I can cope with whatever pain or hurt I am feeling if I write about it. Yes, I can share it with friends and I am sure they'd be willing to listen. But it is different when you're saying it to something or to someone unknown. When you don't know expect any reaction. When you don't get to be asked. When you simply can express your heart out.

I am supposed to prepare my to-do list. But a better idea came to mind. That is, to give justice to all the journals and blog I have started. How am I going to do that? Well, I am starting this blog. This will serve as a compilation of my prior journals and blog posts (but limited to those which I can actually share to the public with the hope that they can learn something from it), my current thoughts, and my journey towards moving forward.

Why the blog title? Well, I am always in Love. My heart maybe broken but I am in love still.

-Byang <3-