Excellence

I am so proud of you my Friend! You've really gone a long way. Congratulations!

TextMate

I don't know if today's generation (as if I am that old) still has this textmates thing. Especially with all the networking sites that are easily accessible. If ever they still have, probably they are already calling it something else.

I remember when I got my first cellphone, I was in high school then. Loads were expensive and there is still no such a thing as unli. And since not everyone had a cp yet, for those of us who had, we kind of just texted some random number to be textmates with. For me, I just interchanged my last two digits. Fortunately for me, I sort of "found" someone who could I really be friends with. I don't remember his name though but at that time he became an older brother. I was at that rebellious stage and I was glad that he was there to guide me. Even at a distance. I haven't met him in person and I didn't tell him my family name. All I knew was he was from Luzon. We became textmates for quite a while. I forgot why we stopped communicating. Perhaps, circumstances just changed.

And funny how after more than 14 yrs, I'm back to that phase. Not with the same person but with someone I actually know. Though I don't actually remember his real first name. The past days I just stayed at home. While others are enjoying the long weekend vacationing, I opted for staycation. One, because I am too lazy to go out. Two, I don't want to spend. Three, I have work to do (which I haven't finished until now). Then out of the blue, an acquaintance from long ago messaged me in FB and then we started texting. And I'm glad that we did. We talked about anything that comes to mind. No pretenses. And I guess our conversations is one thing I need at this point. I am all too boxed up with my thoughts. I needed another perspective. And for him, though he's just generally bored, he needed another perspective too. Especially from someone who is older.

Sometimes, we pray for things and we might not noticed it our prayers are already answered. I prayed for clarity. I prayed for understanding. And though it might not have been directly given, I had it through this person. His questions, his dilemma. my responses, my questions, and everything I imparted in our conversations, gave me the clarity and understanding that I prayed for. Sometimes, you just need someone to throw you back the question you asked, so you'll find the answer.

excited

An idea came to mind while reading a book. I'm excited by the thought and can't wait to do it.

I've put aside one particular dream for years now. And I guess it is high time for me to fulfill that. I pray that I can sustain this excitement. And I may need inspiration but I need not look that far. I'll be my own.


I have 10 days. :) better start now. Weeeeee....

the last time

I know I have a very uncommon stand regarding letting my feelings known. If I like you or I love you, I tell you in whatever way possible. And just like what a friend commented, I tell almost everyone. It's not to put pressure on the person I love. It's just me sharing to everyone the love and the happiness that I feel. Or even perhaps the pain if it comes to that.

And I guess I am quite fortunate to have loved people who understood. That even if I keep on repeating the same things over and over or even if I follow he same cycle, they are still there. And can be brutally honest with me if they get tired of listening.

Last night, I asked/requested to speak to someone. It took a lot of courage for me to ask that. But I know I needed to. With all the unrequited love experience I've had, I know that I cannot forever hold on to something that isn't there. You just have to accept that the person can only love you as much. And that much will never be the kind you are longing for.

I don't regret that I asked for that conversation. I don't regret that I let my feelings known. I don't regret asking for a second chance. At least I tried.

And this will be the last time I'll talk about this or about him. Unless, of course, if I am asked or if circumstances change.

I know that he will stay. He promised. And I hold on to that promise.

And my holding on to that means finally letting go of that wish for some miracle to happen and finally accepting that he cannot give me that.

It wouldn't be easy. It was and never will. But I have to try. At the end of the day, what matters is that I loved and learned to let it go.

Trying

i am really trying.

White Flag - LSS

"White Flag"

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you, 
Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it 
where's the sense in that? 

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder 
Or return to where we were 

I will go down with this ship 
And I won't put my hands up and surrender 
There will be no white flag above my door 
I'm in love and always will be 

I know I left too much mess and 
destruction to come back again 
And I caused nothing but trouble 
I understand if you can't talk to me again 
And if you live by the rules of "it's over" 
then I'm sure that that makes sense 

I will go down with this ship 
And I won't put my hands up and surrender 
There will be no white flag above my door 
I'm in love and always will be 

And when we meet 
Which I'm sure we will 
All that was there
Will be there still 
I'll let it pass 
And hold my tongue 
And you will think 
That I've moved on.... 

I will go down with this ship 
And I won't put my hands up and surrender 
There will be no white flag above my door 
I'm in love and always will be 

I will go down with this ship 
And I won't put my hands up and surrender 
There will be no white flag above my door 
I'm in love and always will be 

I will go down with this ship 
And I won't put my hands up and surrender 
There will be no white flag above my door 
I'm in love and always will be

Here's the video!

Selling Me

I went home at 5 am today. I did not plan this esp that I had a client meeting at 10. But the heavy rains didn't allow me to go home earlier.

It has been a while since I had a drinking session with the group. I'll be away for awhile that's why I agreed. I went beyond limit and I was drunk and did some crazy stuff that I had to apologize and clear some things out after.

A 66-yr old foreigner joined us. I am not sure if my friends would remember but they actually sold me to the person. I wasn't in any way offended. I am not interested with the person. I just found it amusing. My friends are really really desperate about my dating life. Haha Matchmaking me to a guy older than my father means that I am really a red flag for them. And believing that I would go for that person makes the flag double. I don't know if they can still remember what they did.

Oh well. Hahaha I can't help but laugh.

Disappointed

There are things that I really find hard to let go. I don't easily get disappointed. If I do, I try as much to understand the situation and know where the other party is coming from. So if I have a difficulty letting go, I must be really really disappointed.

There was one particular incident last week that caused me to raise my eyebrows. And that even until yesterday I wasn't in the mood to talk to the people involved. As a company we pride ourselves to advise people on communication but we fail to follow the same. Perhaps the people here are just so passive when reading email correspondences. And even fail to understand phone conversations. Oh well, you really can't do something if the problem is one's attitude. 

I acknowledge that I was being difficult with this specific issue. But at least I told my boss about how I felt. We can never grow as individuals and as a company if there's a general consensus on mediocrity.

I guess this is a good self - reminder too. 

Prince

I'm often told that I should hurry love because I am not getting any younger anymore. I'll be 30 this year. I can agree with them but I can also not.

I am already pass that stage of desperation. Of questioning why I am not quite successful in this particular aspect of my life. While my friends are already busy with marriage and kids, I am yet to start with relationhips. Again, I already have accepted that there will be really be someone meant for me. And yes, I pray about it.

Someone came, problem is, ours is a big case of bad timing. No need to elaborate. That's why I cried my heart out while watching she's dating the gangster. Timing is indeed a bitch in our case.

I understand though. I cannot force things esp those I cannot control. I can only pray.

I told that someone that I am not in a hurry. I just know who I want. And I don't care if I break the norms. Who says women can't pursue men?

But the again, I am factoring in the considerations he made. I can care. I can love. I can. But I can only do as much as I am allowed to.

My prince, I may have needed t-ice's power to talk to you that night, I'm happy that we talked. And yes, I remember everything that we talked about. I trust your words. And yes, I am still hoping for some miracle to happen. That you eventually change your mind. And give us another chance.

'Til next time! My heart is at peace. I don't regret going after you to get that hug. It was therapeutic. :)

apology

I'M SORRY.

I know that what I wrote affected you. You wont text if it didn't. I cannot take it back anymore. I can only apologize. And I will apologize again when we see each other.

I hope you'll allow me to explain why I had that impression.

And until we talk, I will look back at those moments that I failed to consider when I said what I said.

I am sorry Prince.

Mahal

MAHAL... it's a cute endearment. And it's an endearment used by bo's and his new love. I don't know their love story. We haven't had the chance to talk about it. And i am not also sure if he is willing to share.

Why write about this all of a sudden? I was just reminded because of MMK. It's actually an episode about the process of moving on. And I actually can relate. I think I am still in the process.

Bo's went through a failed relationship which I don't know the story too. But having his mahal right now, he must have moved on already. And as a friend, i am happy for him.

And I am also looking forward to that time that I'll eventually have that new love. As I have shared in my previous posts, I recently had my heart broken. It just sinked in to me that I was sort of dumped. And in a way was played at.

I already passed the stage of being mad and being in denial. I just am not so sure at what stage I am right now. I just overshadow what I truly feel because of everything that happened with my parents.

Many would say that it should be easy to move on. I wasn't in a relationship in the first place. And there are not much memories to hold on to. And it was recently revealed that everything could have been a lie.

So why am I having a hard time? Is it because of my stubbornness? Is it because I want revenge? I am having a hard time because I trusted the person. He knew what I went through with my past heartaches. And in fairness to me, I did my best to not do those things that caused me to push people away.

I trusted him enough to not question his sincerity.

Perhaps I was blinded. Perhaps I assumed too much. Perhaps I am to be blamed too.

Hopefully, after this I can truly move forward. And I sincerely pray that the next person that I will fall in love with or develop a liking to, wilk not play with my feelings. I am too old for that already.

And just like the prayer of that girl in MMK, I pray that I'll find that someone I am meant to spend the rest of my life with. I also pray that I won't give up on loving.