The Year That Was

A few hours from now it'll be 2015. And I should be done with my introspecting right now. Haha But I am not. I am still halfway though I am not really sure when to end. What I know is I want to see how my 2014 was for 2015 to be a better year.

While browsing old blog entries, I saw that I set 14 guide points for 2014. I easily forgot about those because it wasn't even halfway through the year, I had several challenges already. I even wrote a very long entry to express my sentiments for the first 5/6 of the year. And who would have thought after writing that, I will be subjected to more challenges.

As what I've shared during our Leadership Training, most of the things that happened to me in 2014 were powerful moments that molded me to be me today. I knew myself more and have come to accept my weaknesses.

I still have a long way to go. I still have to improve on being more positive. I still have to improve on not being very jealous. And I still have to improve on my relationship with people and with Him.

I believe and I claim that in 2015, I'll get there.

Happy New Year!

Letters

A friend posted a pic in my timeline of the letters I sent him. And my initial reaction was "ubay-ubay man diay ni". Haha I don't remember how many I sent but I do remember that it became a habit that time. I was fortunate that there was a post office in the mall. It felt good writing and sending those. It was the best expression of love for me.

I love writing letters. More than the spoken words and actions, I can best express myself through it. Though I seldom give letters now. I am looking forward to the time that I would frequently write again. Oh, I just gave out letters to the team last Christmas. Maybe I should make it often next year.

I look forward to the day that I would be receiving letters too. And not through electronic mail or encoded. Handwritten letters are still the best. Haha

To my friend, thank you for keeping those. If I get to visit you and you still have them, let me read those letters. :p I might discover a thing or two about myself.

Stalking

I've been doing a lot of stalking lately. Hahaha It's not an unhealthy thing because I don't stalk an ex or a crush. Well a girl crush because if she was a man, I'm sure I would have fallen for her but she isn't. Anyway, the stalking is mainly for me to see how the story goes. You see, I have this talent of seeing a potential relationship. Or basin nakatsamba lang ko this time.

I am stalking because I am actually thrilled. If their love story will come true, I would be the president of the fans club. Hihi. So I pray that it will come true.

:)

Pre-Marital Sex

The second installment. 

I feel like writing tonight. My muse sprinkled me with so many dust. :)

PMS is, I guess, a norm today. With all that you see on TV, Movies, and even in your immediate circle. I even am a product of it. But if we based it on Scriptures, it's a no-no. That's why many Christian books would dedicated a Chapter or two on this.

Based on my readings, sex is a pleasurable thing that should be done within the confines of marriage. Again, with what we see everywhere, sex outside marriage is "in" (because of the lustful nature of man). For men, it's a macho points if they lost their virginity early and it's (as if) an added pogi points if they had sex with several women or if they do it frequently. For women, you're out if you still are a virgin. Even those who proclaim that they are devout Christians, fell into this trap. 

I won't judge those who engage in PMS. They have their reasons for doing it. And perhaps, they were placed in a situation that they can never avoid it. I don't deny that I also almost fell into the trap of giving in. I allowed myself to be in that situation. As inconsistent as I am with Church,  I am consistent in believing that I shouldn't do it. Though I often say that I will do it if I love the person, I am still in that era of believing that my virginity is a gift I can give my future partner on our wedding night. 

With this, I pray for someone who would accept me for this. That my love will not be measured by having to engage in PMS. I pray for strength and willpower to avoid the temptations. 

:)

Building a Good Relationship with the Lord

As promised, this is the first installment of the things that got my attention from my current readings.

I am not a pious person. I am not even consistent with going to Church. I had many attempts at being consistent though. There was even a time that I would attend mass every day. My main excuse for not being consistent? The many preoccupations I have. Feeling busy. One thing I know for sure, I believe in Him and I trust that He got my back.

It's no news that I am an NBSB. And for several years I became desperate in trying to change that with all the pressures around me. And I ended up broken so many times. It was only lately that I came to accept the reality and welcome this state. But I had my misses too. When I see a slightest chance of a possible relationship, I turn into someone who would cause the guy to run away. Haha. That's what I end up believing.

Everytime I get to share that I am an NBSB, there are people who would actually give me that certain look. It is as if, I committed a crime. Some would even show look of pity. As if being single at this age means loneliness. There are those who would offer words of encouragement. I understand them though. Sometimes, you reach a point when everybody sees what you have accomplished but still looks for that missing/lacking aspect. And more often that not, they see the love/relationship aspect. But then again, I have come to accept this state but I do pray for the right person to come.

As highlighted in the books, for women esp those who are still waiting for "the one" and most esp for those who are like me, instead of focusing on looking for that person, we should focus on strengthening our relationship with Him. Before entering into a relationship with another person, ensure that the relationship with Him is already there. Do I believe this one? Of course I do. But do I live this one? I strive to. And this time, I pray to be consistent. And not with the intention of finding the one but with the hope to be whole by having Him.

Never Beg

I did a lot of reading these past few days. Part of the Introspection I am going through. What I realized is that I did a lot of begging, implied or not, for attention, love, affection, time, and all else. I really don't mind begging but I think I already should for certain matters/aspects. I shouldn't  beg for affection and time. I guess, I was ok with it before because I have the mindset of going after who I want whatever the price. But you cannot really force things. You cannot force people to stay. At the end of the day, nobody wins in a situation borne out of pity.

So I wouldn't beg anymore. I could choose to care and love those people at a distance but I wouldn't beg for the love and the care in return. If people truly cares and if you truly matter, you wouldn't have to beg.

Lovestruck

You know I have that habit of buying on sale books even if there's a big chance that I don't get to read them. I have so many books to date (and I still want to buy more) and I think I only have read a quarter.

A week ago, I avoided NBS so I won't be tempted to buy. But on the way to a resto I saw OMF books on sale. 50 each and the titles are so catchy. So, I immediately bought 5. 3 are part of the Lovestruck series by Ronald Molmisa. I got attracted to the books because of the titles, esp the first - Mahal Mo Siya, Sure Ka Ba?. Bernard and I were actually laughing while buying the books. Seemed like we can relate. Hugot pa more.

Since each book only has less than 150 pages, I was inclined to read and was able to read two. The one I mentioned earlier and the Sakit Edition of the series. The books are Biblically inclined. After all, it was written by a Pastor and published by OMF. It's very timely for me as I am in the process of introspecting. I often smile while reading because it's true, I can relate. I see myself in the characters. The concepts mentioned may not be new to me, but I can appreciate it more now. Let's just say I've "aged" and became more open to the realities of life and have come to accept and know the person that I am.

There are a lot of things that hit my core, but there are two things that really got my attention as it was repeatedly mentioned. 1. Building a good relationship with the Lord prior to building a relationship with another. 2. Premarital Sex.

And I will write about those in another post.

:)

reunions

It has been a yearly tradition for Papa's co-retirees to have a Christmas Party. Families are invited but I often have an excuse not to join. As I want to save myself from being asked on why I am not yet married or why I don't have a boyfriend yet. You see, these are the people who saw me grow. They were my first cheerleaders. They supported my singing, dancing, modeling, and all else. So of course, they are the same people who would love to see me settle down like how their kids are already settled.

Since I already came to accept that I'll settle when it's meant, I attended last year and this year's party. Today's party was extra emotional because my Ninong suffered from a second stroke and he cannot speak anymore. He cried because of the love shown by everyone. Almost all of the wives present also cried when my other Ninong danced with him.

I became emotional too. Seeing all of them laughing, singing, dancing and simply reminiscing the good old days. As they have spent almost all of their working years together. Even my parents danced (and won the statue dance contest). I'm already 30 so imagine how old they are. I can only pray that all will still be present in the next parties.

Seeing them today made me think of my own life. How I am living it and how I want to see myself when I look back. When I celebrate reunions 30 years from now, I definitely want to reminisce a life that is well lived.

I guess I need to continue on that introspection...

Korea

Wow! It's a very beautiful place and I had an amazing experience. Though I ended up broke, I don't regret my decision to push through with the trip. And if given another chance and if I have the resources, I'll definitely go back.

It's true that when you learn to let go of all that is hurting you and you have no control over, you'll find peace and you'll feel joy. And I did that the moment I set foot on that country. I don't deny that I had so many apprehensions prior that trip. But I let go. Thus, I was able to fully enjoy. And I appreciate my parents concern and love. That despite my mother's hospitalization during that trip, they didn't tell me. They wanted me to enjoy. Even my boss allowed me to enjoy first prior dropping his bomb.

What I treasure most about that trip is the feeling. I think it was the most relaxed I had been this year. And I have jr, bata, abby, yen, milay, and gene to thank for the good company. :)

Looking forward to my next travels. Singapore and Malaysia for my birthday next year. :)

i'm sorry

I know there is a slim chance for you to read this. But I am writing it just the same. This is probably a coward act because this is better told in person. However, this is the only way I can think of to let this out now.

I maybe just overreacting but I feel that you are mad at me. And you have that firm resolve of not talking to me. I don't understand but I respect that.

I broke your trust. It was a lapse in judgment. No excuse would suffice. And I cannot force you nor forever beg you to talk to me.

I'll just ask for your forgiveness and understanding.

It is sad. It is heartbreaking. But I respect it.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

Christmas is definitely one of my fave time of the year. It has always been a tradition for family friends and relatives to celebrate Christmas day at home. I always enjoy buying and wrapping gifts. I want for kids to feel and experience that thrill of knowing that you have something to look forward to.

I'm guilty this year because I haven't prepared any gifts. In fact, I recycled some gifts (gave last year's unclaimed gift to other kids this year). I have no excuse but the fact that I really had a hard time looking. It was easy for the past years because they were still kids. Now, they are all grown up. Some are even taller than me. I don't know what's in with today's generation. Haha. I'm that old. I ended up giving cash instead.

Next year, I promise to prepare. 

As for me, the best gift I received this year is my parent's health. Yes, they are under medication but at least they are ok. And I pray ana lang unta permi. I also pray for better relationships. I pray for strength.

Merry Christmas! :)

i should stop calling you

This is heartbreaking.

Can I beg for you not to stop? 

leadership

It was my first time to attend the company's strategic planning. It wasn't the typical planning that I expected it to be. It was more of an enablement session. I was mostly an observer during the whole activity. Well I usually am. I just talk whenever there is a specific point that I want to be emphasized. And I am glad that observed because I was able to compare, contrast, and validate. I was able to introspect.

I need introspecting right now esp with the new role I am taking. Everything happened so fast that I didn't get to see everything. All I know is that I welcome this thing and I know I can do it. As what my boss said, he was pleasantly surprised as to how I took everything calmly. I was calm about everything mainly because I know that I was trusted and I trust the immediate circle that I'll be working with.

Again, I'm glad that I was able to introspect. It's important to know what I am bringing in and what help I need. And I'm glad that with the activity, I became more confident because I saw that the leaders of this company are gearing towards not just the growth of the business but also of the growth of the employees. Results may not be immediate but happy that actions are taken.

Several people approached me and told me that this will not be an easy ride for me. It'll be a roller coaster ride next year. But I am positive that I can get through. Thanks to people's assurance.

I just pray for my team's cooperation and open mindedness. And I hope they get to see that whatever I do will be for their best interest.

Ck

Gahinay Hinay Gagawas mga sungay sa mga tao.  Kasabot man nuon .  I just pray na dili moabot sa point na Sila ang madaot tungod Ana.  Mga bata pa ra ba Sila.

Weird

Girl's instinct. gosh. wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

noooooooooooooooooooooo

plssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

noooooooooooooooooooooooooo

:(

Pls dont make it seem that this is another promise you regret making.

Dec 1

I love surprises. Sweet surprises, that is. It makes me feel so special and loved. I just can't fully fathom yet the surprises I've had when I got back from Korea. I wilk write anout that trip in a separate post.

Anyway, first surprise was my mother was in the hospital. She was hospitalized while I was busy being thrilled with Everland. They didn't tell me because they don't want to spoil my vacation. Good that she's ok now.

The biggest surprise was, my boss is resigning. And I am taking over his post. I was so surprised that I didn't react. I understand the reason why he's leaving. But it is all so fast that I cannot process my reaction. I'm sad that he's leaving. I'm happy for the opportunity that was opened for me.

This is something very big for me. I know I can do it but a lot of things should change.

Pwede Mohilak?

wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. allow me to shout here....................

jdkashflkjsdghfkajshdgkjhs;gkvnjdhfg;lkshdf;klhasdkfgahskjgfkasjdhgasj Monday it is.

shfdksajhfiouwegh

until when

Grabe ka. Grabe ka. 

:(

moving on

The other day, out of the blue, a friend asked me why can't I move on. Is there something I am holding on to? I thought it was a joke because I don't remember talking to him about love problems. But he was serious. I didn't asked him why he asked that question. To my mind, perhaps he is undergoing the same thing. Perhaps, he's having difficulty moving on and letting go.

I had a hard time answering because generally, I am ok with my situation. I already have accepted the fact that I can never be loved back by the person I love. Just that sometimes, you get to reminisce, recollect, and you feel a certain something that is hard to explain. And my friend knows everytime I feel that certain something. Thus, his question.

This was my answer (verbatim):
--
Di ko ka explain why dili ko ka move on or ngano lisod. It's clesr that there's nothing to hold on to. Pero naa sya ani nga process: 
1. Love nimo sya and naa pa na gamay na basin... basin diay mada pa og change or balik if hatagan lang time.
Diha na daun mosingit na murag u hold on to thw words i like you or love you even if naa pa but after

2. Dili makamove on out of fear na basin wala na kay makita na kapareho esp if the person knows the real you. And naanad na ka.

3. Because naa sa immediate environment . Cge nimo makita tapos feeling nimo sya ra imo makaistorya.

Pero bottom line ani. Dili ko ka move on because i refuse to. And that refusal blinds me to fully accept na wala na jud future.

--

I'm not sure if that's really for me or I was reflecting on my friend's situation.

But if I really reflect on myself, mostly I am afraid. I am afraid that nobody can accept  me and love me for who I am. I admit that I am a very difficult person to love.

Oh well.

random question

ukay-ukay

It has been a while since I bought ukay-ukay. It's no secret that I don't frequent such places because I am "allergic" to dust and I can't tolerate the smell. It was fine when there was still night cafe in CDO because you don't have to literally ukay anymore.

Anyway, since the Korea trip is fast approaching and I don't want to spend too much on my "costumes" on that trip, I opted to ukay. I asked my friend to accompany me since she has more patience looking for good finds. Thankfully, we were able to find what we were looking for. Though we need to go back again to look for thicker jackets. Despite my body fat deposits, I have very low tolerance with cold weather.

One thing I realized today, looking for ukay ukay can be a less costly stress reliever. Haha. I just have to look for ukay places that are airconditioned and has manageable smell.

Until the next ukay session.

Bitaw

Currently at a videoke session but I am not enjoying.  Call me KJ.  I'm ok with that.  Anyway I am always branded as such.

I am not ok really.  I am just forcing myself to be out here.  Else,  I'll be sulking in that corner again and cry.

Call me petty.  Call me immature. And all that shit.  I am just not ok.  It's hard to be alone in a crowd.  It really feels like shit. So shitty.

kapoy

Exam 1

Yehey! I passed the exam. I didn't expect it but I was hoping. I remembered sincerely praying for it. I did study but I was so preoccupied during the exam proper. I called Bata right after the exam and told her that I was only sure of not more than 10 items.

Thank you Lord for this blessing. Looking forward to blessing others with this new opportunity.

Thank you Lord. You certainly know how to cheer me up when I am down.

Thank you also for the other blessing of knowing new people. I look forward to knowing them more and the community they are in.

:)

broken promise

Dumb Thing

Selosa kaau ka byang sa? Makadungog lang gani ka og anything... waaaahhhhhhhhhhh

Earphone volumes up. Nganong nadunggan pa man gud nako. :(

talk

I need someone to talk to right now.
I am so tired that I just want to cry this all out.
I need someone to talk to right now.
I just don't want to spread negativity.
But I need someone right now.
I just want to talk.

Tirrreeeeddddd

It's still midweek and I am already very tired. :(

I need a loooonnnggggg vacation.

happy lemon

I wasn't feeling well the past days. I don't know why but my body was just so weak. I wasn't even well when I took an exam. Hopefully, I'll pass. I wasn't able to absorb fully the training discussions. And I missed a lot of "meetings". I was so excited for the work week but my excitement didnt help me get through it. And I'll start another work week again tomorrow but my body and my brain is not fully rested yet.

I am absorbing so much negative energy and I cannot cope. And I wish to be in the company of some people to somehow help me let the negative energy go. I need to forget work pressures for a while. I feel like I am about to explode already.

Lord, ikaw na bahala sa ako.

Brutal Fact

Wala man gud na sya nakagusto nimo. Ikaw ra nag imagine ato.

gilamok ko

I cried. I didnt expect that i will. It was my fault. It was wrong for me to hope that you also want to spend time because i wanted to. I didnt mind the people who were there. Good thing it was dark.

I thought i was ok after that conversation we had with me begging you to give us another chance and you said that you cant. I thought i was ok because i was able to control the urge to call you or chat you or text you. I also took a hint when you gave me that link.

I thought i was ok but i am not. And i acted crazy in front of the team.

I have to let this out so i can sleep. Yes, im still in love with you. I dont know when this will end. I just suppress it. I cover it with all other emotions. I was happy to see you. I am happy to see you. Im just sad that we didnt bond. Just as two.

Gosh. I dont like feeling this way. This is crazy. I need you to help me move on. But not the way you are doing it. You are pushing me to be in that dark corner i dont want to be in.

Haist.

angel eyes

I wish to have my Darren Park someday. Hahaha

This koreanovela makes me cry almost every time. That's why I don't want a buy a dvd copy. I might cry nonstop.

Oh well.

:(

30

Almost 5 yrs ago, out of the blue, someone promised me that he'll marry me if we're still both single when I turn 30. We're both still single and not in a committed relationship. Will that promise be fulfilled? No.

I didn't take that promise seriously. That just came out of whim. But to be honest, in that 5 years span, I came to a point that I wished that it will come true. I laugh at those memories actually. I am smiling while writing about it now. 

I'm still friends with that person. I am not sure if he remembers though. 

So, I'm 30. I am not who I envisioned myself to be when I was still 20. I'm unmarried, I'm not a lawyer, I don't have a huge house, I'm not physically fit, and I am still in the Philippines. My 20 yr old self would definitely nag me for not getting where I wanted to be. 

I may not be that person, I may not have achieved my goals, I understand that life does not always go as planned. Things happen that will make you create decisions that will lead you to a different path and a different you.

I'm unmarried. NBSB at that. But I was saved from the wrong ones. People say that 30 is already a critical age. I would agree to that, in some way. But I won't force things to happen for I know what is bound to happen will eventually happen.

I'm not a lawyer. This was my first high school dream. I wasn't able to take up law because of financial reasons. I opted for Masters instead since it was for free. Soon, I claim that my financial standing will be ok so that  I can fulfill that dream.

I don't have a huge house. I live in a rented apartment now. I am still also paying for our house in CDO. If I come to think of it. I don't dream of a huge house anymore. I dream of a happy home. i don't want to live alone.

I am not physically fit. I admit this is a failure on my part. I am so lazy in this specific aspect of my life. Though I made a birthday vow to really give time for that.

I'm still in the Philippines. I remember I once said that if by age 27 I'm still single, I'll go abroad. But I never had the courage to. Or maybe I didn't really want to go. And though people force me to go now, I can't afford to.

So, to sum, again I am not where I wanted to be. And I am not the person who I wanted to be. Am I sad about it? No. If I want to be technical about it, I cannot be sad because it was never a guarantee that I'll be happy if I achieved that. If I'll be honest about it, I am not sad. But I am not also fully content of what I have achieved. I believe that there are still so many things that I need to do and to achieve. I am grateful though. I may not have that great of a relationship with Him but he still blessed me.

So I am 30. I'm ready to be in a committed relationship. I'm a Business Application Project Manager. I'm paying for a house. I am working to be fit....

I help others to reach their full potentials. I help my company to have a team. I invest. I am starting my business. I'm a loyal friend. And more...

I am 30. I celebrate my age. I celebrate the person that I am now. And I will continue to work on my dreams.

Happy birthday to me.

Happy Parent's day to Mama and Papa. (thanks Pao for the idea).

bad dream

I woke up today because of a bad dream. And i still can feel the anger i felt in that dream. My dream showed me something that i pray will never happen. Perhaps i am just so not sold to the idea that it manifested in my dream.

It breaks my heart to see my friend go through the pain she's going through. It breaks me more that she allows it to happen just to not lose someone. She said she's already ok and have moved on. I pray that she already did but her actions says otherwise.

It became an unspoken  rule between us to not talk about it. We end up fighting because of it. It's clear that I don't support whatever it is that they have. And it's true that if fate allows that they'd be together, I would be out of the picture. Call me a shallow friend but that's what I want to stand for.

Perhaps I just don't understand. Or perhaps I refuse to understand. But I see why my friend is so smitten and in love with the other person. She sees in her the person who can complete her. The person who can fill in the missing pieces in her life. Unfortunately, that person has someone else.

And that's where the complication comes in. If it were another person, why not?
 She can't let go. And she'd go miles for that person. She'd hurt (unknowingly) those who cares for her to give the world to that person. And she might not know it, she's squeezing lemon to her wounds.

And in my dream, she betrayed friends because of that person. But then she still ended up broken. I was so angry. And i may not say it, i really am mad. But i had to keep my cool. I cannot talk to the other person. That's why as much as possible I try to avoid. I'm very bad when I explode.

I pray for that dream to never happen. But with the way things are going, it's bound to happen. I can see a lot of betrayal coming. And where will I be in that picture? I'll be a friend to the other and I pray not to be an enemy of the other person.

Pls guide my friend Lord.

promotion

Today, I learned that finally my recommendation for promotion of two BACs was approved. I should be happy. In a way, I am. It was a reward after all for prior efforts made. I am just worried though. I had high hopes with the two. I thought that I can develop them to be leads. Now, I am not so sure anymore.

And this is a failure on my part as their lead. I was supposed to guide them and help them achieve what they aim for while in the company. I was supposed to help them grow. I was supposed to know what they need to develop. My efforts just fell short.

Hopefully, this time, my efforts will create the desired results. I'm changing tactics.

Blahhhh

When time spent does not match output. Unsaon ko mani? Madisappoint lang ko. Kanang, di ko kasabot kung paspas lang jud kung ako mag trabaho? or dili lang jud ga mind ang people sa ilang oras. 

makalisang. or daghan lang jud kabilinggan mga tao na ginasingit sa trabaho,

makalisang. dani lang ko magyaw yaw... wala bitaw makabasa. lol. feeling ra ba daun sa mga tao sila ang ginapadungog dungog. isumbong daun ko sa akong boss.

hahays,

over eating on a Sunday.

I really need to have another diversion when stressed. I admit I do stress eat. I eat even if I am not hungry. And all the weight I lost last week, I regain this week. I'm stressed. Yes, I am saying it again. To over emphasize, i'm stressed.

What's causing this? Work. I already did something with the work environment thingy and it's not stressing me anymore. There are just so many things to do. I have time but others don't. When your work is dependent on others, even ifyou have the time you can't start until they are finished. And by the time they finishe, there will be a lot of things on your plate that time will not be sufficient anymore.

I don't want to get stressed because I get fatter. And that's an added stress as I want to work my way to become healthy.

Yea, yeah,it is all up to me. I can destress thru exercise, that's hitting two birds with one stone.

Will start tomorrow. I will be 30 soon. So I really need to be healthy.

the broken tv

Our tv in cdo was broken. Since we cannot afford to buy a new one, i pushed my parents to have it fixed. But even if it can be fixed, i know they still want to buy new.

If i can afford, then why not. I know it's one thing that can make their lives a little less boring. It pains me to not be able to provide that for them. Times like this, i feel such a disappointment.

Hays.

taming ivy

It took me 2hrs to compose an email. I asked 3 people to review it prior sending. It was critical. I want to put some sense to people without being offensive and I don't want to be an added burden to my boss. It was, per feedback, very maldita. I reconstructed it and became more acceptable.

Though I already anticipated a negative respond, it was just unbelievable. I don't know if I am just exaggerating because I'm too pissed. But I became more disappointed than pacified with the response. I told my boss that I wouldnt respond until I was able to cool down. Good thing my boss understood. He was the one who responded instead.

It actually is an unnecessary burden for me right now. I have so many things to do.

This is just so unfortunate. I really don't want my bad side triggered, esp if I have stretched my patience to the maximum level. It's difficult to tame myself. And I cannot afford to focus my energy on that. Id rather focus on the betterment of the BACs and the projects.

Oh well.

Very Low

As a lead, I learned that I should be careful with facebook posts esp if it is related to work. I was reprimanded several times by Jr. Though I firmly believe that I should be free to post whatever I want, I discipline myself not to. Focus nalang sa gugma post. Sometimes though unintentionally, I rant esp if I get too tired.

But I did not expect for people to be very low and report me to my boss of a specific post na sila daw ginapadungog dungog. My first question was, which post? I reviewed my timeline and there was nothing there referring to those people. Ana sila ka guilty?

To really hit me that low? Wow. Just wow. Unbelievable people.

Now they are requesting heaven and earth for a specific project just to clean their mess. Why would my team suffer for the mistake they make? Can't they just admit that they made a mistake and move forward? This is too tiring already. I have other things to do.

the heirs

When it comes to watching series, I have this habit of doing marathon. I don't have patience of waiting for the next free day for the next episode. Though it is impossible most of the time to finish in one sitting, I try to finish the soonest possible. I don't want to be left hanging. And so this weekend, I finished the heirs.  It's a koreanovela about young love that initially cannot be because of circumstances. I'm amazed at how I can still be moved by stories as such. For some parts of the series, I actually did cry. I thought I am already past that cry baby stage. There is nothing with it though. I'm just amazed at myself. Hahaha

At around ep 17, I took a break and checked my blogger. And was surprised to see a new entry on a friend's blog. I got excited actually. It's been a while since his last post. I was bothered after reading his post. That I texted him after not minding that it was almost midnight. I'm worried up to now but I guess he doesn't want to talk . He didn't respond to my message earlier.

I felt his frustration. For him to consider breaking a rule, something bad must have happened. I went through the same.

He mentioned something that I told my boss weeks ago. I told my boss to allow me to charge activities related to evaluating existing processes, if it still works or if it really worked in the first place. At least now, I have a lot of references already.

I remember when I transferred to Cebu last year,  there were so many things that needed fixing. It was tough. As much as we wanted to cover everything, there were limitations. We had to prioritize and we had to make do of what we had. I can say that there were improvements. Especially if you talk about working as a team. Fast track to today, something must have happened along the way that somehow made almost everything to not fall in its proper place. And I feel like it's all in my shoulders.

I am all for change, esp. if it brings good for everyone. If I am to borrow LAL's words,  if we want different results then let's do away with status quo.

I have so many things in mind to put everything to order again. To achieve better results and most importantly for the team to find value in what they are doing. For them to see and feel the worth of their function and the personal benefit they get. It saddens me to actually hear just one person say that she loves her job. And that person is leaving. The irony.

I know I am not in my best shape right now. But regardless of my personal issues, I know I have a responsibility to the team. I cannot fail them. But I cannot do it alone. Someone has to compliment my weakness, if we are to achieve the goals we have set and more.  Fortunately, there's someone who can help me with that. We had an initial discussion last week. Though we don't agree in most points as our style and personality differs, we have the same end goal. And we make each other understand and see the value of our points. I can't wait for his return.

The change we made last year is the status quo of today. So it is time for something new.

I am excited for the end result.

just a dream for now

I want to take a break. I want to travel. But I cannot afford for now.

How nice it would be if i can take days off and just enjoy at another place.

Medical Procedures

I had my Annual Physical Exam this morning. I forced myself to go because it's a requirement. I really do hate check-ups, esp if there is a blood extraction or any procedure that requires needle after. I have a high tolerance for pain. I just don't like needles. Hahaha

Anyway, typical of any packaged and company sponsored PE, they just provide the standard. If there is nothing wrong, then that's it. When you judge me by my weight, you'd say I am really unhealthy. But I don't usually get sick. So often, test results for the packaged tests won't show anything wrong. I don't know what came to me, but I had the courage to ask the doctor if I there are tests I can take to check other possible illnesses. Since my father was just recently diagnosed with Cancer. And so, my doctor recommended that I do have endoscopy and colonoscopy. Hahaha Imagine my reaction after. I kind of expected the recommendation but when it was said, I was like a child about to be vaccinated. I wanted to run. I told the doctor if I could just have blood tests. She just laughed.

Anyway, that's it. I need to go back to the doctor and schedule those procedures. I won't feel any pain because I would be sedated. I want to go home for this. I need to have some company when I undergo this process. What if they see something like what happened to Papa? Who would the doctor call and talk to? Waaahhhhh

I'm positive that they won't see anything. Hahahah I'm just being a kid with this one. I need my papa and mama.

Rain Check

This is a tumblr entry from two years ago:

Rain Check

It all started with a question of why I chose a picture as my profile pic in Facebook, then it ended up with him saying that if I like it then it will work. It was just a typical conversation but it was the push I needed. It answered why don’t I write anymore, why am I in my current state, and why can’t i move forward. Ikaw ba naman ingnan og you should know. Yeah, I should know.

I never really wanted to leave teaching nor leave Cagayan de Oro. The decision to leave was based on all the wrong reasons. Simply put, I just wanted to escape. I was so hurt and I felt so empty that I thought I would be unfair to the institution and specially to my students  if they had a teacher that was so lost. I was unfair to my parents though, l didn’t give them the chance to prepare. Mura lang ko nananghid magmall. Two years after, I can’t say that I didn’t regret my decision but I am standing by my decision. After all. the damage has been done. I miss teaching big time. And even at 27, I’d rather stay with my parents than live in boarding houses somewhere else. 

—

WHY DON’T I WRITE ANYMORE?

Or make that, why can’t I write anymore? 

I am not a writer really. I am not the grammar or vocabulary savvy person. But I used to have journals. I can express myself better in writing. But for the past two years, I seem to have lost my touch. I tried to write. I would buy nice pens and notebooks (a week ago I just bought one) so I would be inclined to write but I can’t even consume five pages. And it would take me longer than the usual to finish something. I even attempted to maintain a blog or blogs but I end up forgetting that I have one. Even that blog intended for one person. Someone had to remind me that it was still up. 

And the answer to the question is,  I wasn’t inspired. My muse bailed out on me when I made that drastic change. Or rather, I completely blocked my muse’s dusts. I created a shield so inspiration wouldn’t hit me. WHY? Because I got tired of pouring out everything yet ending up being judged and not understood.

Crazy, right? Yeah, I am that crazy.

WHY AM I IN MY CURRENT STATE?

I am at my “unhealthiest”. I gained more than ten kilos in two years.  I attribute it mostly to the kind of work I have. It does not allow me to move much and it cause me to binge (on food) because of so much stress and pressure. I can’t say that I don’t have the time for exercise. I can if I want to. But I chose not to. Though once in a while I run or take long walks, I wasn’t consistent. I’d rather lie down or sit just browsing or watching movies. 

And the answer to the question is, I was so consumed with being alone. I embraced it so much that I didn’t want to break the routine of home-office-home or lie-sit-lie. I didn’t realize it but Davao was such a sad place for me. I didn’t have friends (except for my officemates). But I can’t go out much with them because they have kids or other things to attend to. I am used to being surrounded with a lot of people and of noise. I am used to going home late not because of work but because of laag. Laagan kaayo kaha ko. And it all abruptly stopped when I was in Davao.

WHY CAN’T I MOVE FORWARD?

This is vague. But actually I am moving forward with my life. It’s just that I am moving in all directions that I end up still in place. I am sort of tied up that even if I wanted to let go, I can’t. Not just yet. I have to finish the commitments I made.

—

I am in no better position than I was two years ago. I am still hurt and I still feel so empty. But I guess the past two years taught me enough to not escape this time. Even if I am very much tempted to. I am not the wisest person in the world and surely I am not that full of wisdom. But I guess I am mature enough to know that I can’t just go on running away if things goes out of hand or if things are too painful to bear.

Yes, it hurts me when I am made fun of because I’m fat or because I am still single. I can laugh with all the jokes but sometimes it is just too much. It hurts me when people deliberately lie to me. It hurts when people abuse my goodness, esp by those I consider friends. Though I can’t totally blame them because I allow them to. But I wish people should learn when to stop. 

Yes, I really want to quit my job. Not because I don’t like it but because I feel like I am abused. I am good with what I do. And I do finish my job despite my rantings.   But all of my efforts are unrecognized. I am not quitting though. I signed up for this and I will honor what I signed up for.

Yes, the person who told me that I should know all these is the same person who caused me to run away. And no, I don’t blame him. He didn’t do anything. I was just so stubborn and unreasonable that time.

Yes, I loved that person. And I love him still. But no, there’s no more fantasy of having a fairy tale ending. 

Yes, I love myself more now. And I have a renewed self-esteem and self-respect. 

I may have taken rain checks before for the things I should have done but was so lazy, so afraid, so uninspired to do but I will do them now. Not "tomorrow?" as what my friend jested earlier on my remark sagdi lang maniwang lang jud ko, because all will go through a process. And this is a start.

stupid

My friend wouldn't tell me what's goind on with her because she finds it stupid. I had a hunch on what it was but i still prayed that my hunch would be wrong. But sad to say I was right after all. It just took me 2 bottles of t-ice to throw that question I didn't dare ask.
It has been an unspoken rule between us. We don't talk about the love of her life as it had been a source of misunderstanding lately.
I feel my friend's pain. And I don't like seeing her in her current state of brokenness. There was a point that I intentionally stayed away because I couldn't take the things she's doing. She's in love but she is so broken. It has been going on for so long that it isn't good anymore.
I can't do anything about it as it is her choice. She don't talk to me about it anymore because she's protecting the other party. And even if I don't do anything, I usually take the blame if that other party feels down. As if it was my doing.
I should understand. As I also have been through unrequited love. It is not an easy process. I am just thankful that I was strong enough to handle the pain without destroying myself. And I am thankful also that those people I love helped. They kept their distance long enough to allow that initial step to moving on. But didn't leave me as I have asked them to.
But for my friend's case, I refuse to understand. Though technically, all the burden and pain is carried by the one loving, the one who is loved should take action too esp if they are friends in the first place.
Anyway, no amount of justification or explanation would make my friend understand my point. We'll just go through the same cycle of hurting, drinking, crying. Our other friends even kid earlier that we'll still have the same session a few years from now, and my friend will still cry and talk about the love that just can't be.

I sincerely pray that she'll get over the love as soon as possible. She has a great future ahead of her. She's smart, talented, driven, and certainly has lots of potential. I don't want her to get too broken that it would be hard to put the pieces back together.

Hopefully, she'll see the light that will make her realize life's beauty despite not getting the love of that other person.

Oh well.

Programming

I'm always looking forward to new learning. I am lazy in terms of physical exercise but I'm never lazy for mental. And I am glad that this opportunity to learn was opened. I have something to look forward to this November.

Coming Soon... Java and VB.Net.

Aja, Byang!

Walis-Walis

Ang saya lang ng naging laro kagabi. Ang dami kong tawa. Ang pinapahulaan ay Waling-Waling, eh hindi kilala ni Jackson kung ano yan. Hahaha Ang ginawa, sounds like walis... Kaya naging walis-walis. Hahahah Buti nalang naisip ko yun.

Ang sarap lang sa pakiramdam ang tumawa. Sana ganun nalang palagi. Sana may mga bagay na makakapagpatawa sa akin. Mababaw lang naman kaligayahan ko eh. Madali lang naman sana. Desisyon mo naman yun na maging masaya. Di lang talaga maiiwasan minsan na umasa ka na maging masaya ng dahil sa ibang tao o dahil sa ibang bagay. 

Kung kilala mo ang sarili mo, alam na alam mo yung mga bagay na yun o kilalang kilala mo yung mga taong yun. Masaya ako kapag nakakausap ko mga magulang ko. Masaya ako kapag nakikipagbiruan ako sa mga kaibigan ko. Masaya ako kapag nakakalaro ko mga aso ko. Masaya ako kapag nakakabasa ako ng magandang libro o artikulo. Pero may isang bagay na nakakapagpasaya sa akin na nakukuha ko lang sa piling tao. Nagdudulot sa akin ng kaligayan na makipag usap sa tao na kaya akong barahin. Na kayang ipakita ang mali sa pinapaniwalaan ko. Na kayang sabihing mali ako. At kadalasan nakukutya ako dahil sa mga taong ito. Kasi binibigyan ng kulay kung bakit gustong gusto ko ang mga taong ito. Pero hinahayan ko na. Minsan siguro talaga sa buhay, hindi natin maiintidihan kung bakit ginagawa ng tao ang isang bagay. Pero wala din tayong karapatan na husgahan. Eh sa kung yun ang kaligayahan nila.

Ang gulo lang ng pinagsasabi ko no? 

Ganito lang talaga nais kong sabihin. Gusto ko maging masaya. At kahit na hindi ito ang pinakamagandang sitwasyon para sa akin, pinipili ko maging masaya. At kumakapit ako dun sa mga bagay na nakakapagpasaya sa akin. Alam ko mawawala yung mga bagay na yun, pero habang andito pa, bakit ko bibitawan? Wala namang masama sa ginagawa ko. Hindi naman ako nang-aapak ng ibang tao. 

Na-Offend Ba Ako?

Palagi nating naririnig na sinasabi na bawal mag-assume sa anumang bagay. Madalas kasi ito ang nagdudulot ng misunderstanding at sama ng loob. Nung college nga, ang no.1 rule sa exam ay "never assume unless otherwise stated". Pero sa buhay siguro ng tao, hindi maiwasan na maging pasaway kung minsan. Kahit ano pang pilit natin na ilagay sa ating kokote na huwag mag-assume, ginagawa pa rin natin. Lalo na pagdating sa pag-ibig. Dahil sa kagustuhan natin na kiligin at madama na mahal din tayo ng taong napupusuan natin, binibigyan na natin ng kahulogan kahit anong bagay na gawin nila. Kahit pa nasasaktan tayo sa huli. Kahit sa trabaho. Siguro napapraning ang mga tao pag alam nila na may kapalpakan silang ginawa. O siguro hindi nila kaya maging humble enough na tanggapin na nagkamali sila. Kaya binibigyan ng kahulugan ang ginagawa ng iba, kahit wala naman.

 Noong nagsisimula palang ako sa mga crush crush na yan, aaminin ko na napakahilig ko bigyan ng kahulugan ang lahat. Lalo na nung una kong na feel na nainlove ako. May tumutugma naman. Ngunit yun yung mga bagay na masakit. At kahit after almost 10 yrs ko na nalaman, tama pala talaga ako. Hahaha nakakatawa. Buti nalang andun na ako sa point na pwede ko na tawanan ang lahat. At oo, natuto na ako. Naging maingat na ako. Kahit pa lahat ng nasa paligid ko ang nag aassume og nagbibigay kahulogan sa lahat ng nangyayari, hindi ako. Iwas na ako sa trouble. Hahaha Pero siguro sadya lang akong matalino (pasensya at nagbuhat ako ng sariling bangko). May pagkakataon na pag feel ko na mag assume, tama naman. Yun nga lang, mga masasakit na bagay ang napi-feel ko. Nakaka-offend pa nga kadalasan. Pero hindi ko pinipiling ma-offend. Mas pinipili ko na umintindi. 

Lalo na ngayon sa trabaho. May mga tao na ang hilig mag side comment. Kahit hindi ka pa mag assume, alam mo na ikaw ang pinaparinggan. At kahit ginagawa mo lang ang trabaho mo, pinepersonal ka pa din ng ibang tao. Nakakainis na minsan, dapat mo nalang intindihin. Kahit hindi ikaw ang may kasalanan, ikaw dapat ang mag sorry kasi ikaw ang mas nakakaintindi. Pero sana nga lang dumating ang panahon na yung mga taong hindi deserve ang respect mo pero nirerespeto mo pa din, ay matutong pahalagahan ang respect na yun. At sana maisip nila na hindi naman masama umamin ng kamalian. Lahat naman nagkakamali. 

Masubukan Nga

Nagsusulat ako para ma-improve ang aking writing skills (na feeling ko meron naman ako). Pero ang palagi kong ginagamitna medium ay English. Simula palang kasi elementary, pina feel na sa akin ng buong mundo na hindi ako magaling dito. At tinatanggap ko naman ang katotohanan. Kaya nga hanggang ngayon pinagpapatuloy ko, para mapabuti ko pa at mas matuto pa ako. Pero nung isang araw, meron akong nakitang blog post na tagalog. At dahil dun na inspire ako na subukan. Bakit hindi, di ba?

Lumaki ako na palaging nagtatagalog ang Papa ko pero aminado ako na kailanman hindi ako naging komportable sa wikang ito. Parang nawawala lahat ng confidence ko kapag nagtatagalog ako. Kailanman ay hindi ako naging matatas sa pagsasalita. 

At dahil nakatunganga lang ako buong araw,  ayaw kong lumabas kasi medyo hindi maganda ang panahon, biglang sumagi sa isip ko na bakit hindi ko subukan na magsulat ng tagalog. Siguro matatanggap naman ng kung sino man ang makakabasa kung hindi ko man makuha ng tama ang rules sa pagsusulat. Hindi ko na din naman iniisip ang grammar kahit English sinusulat ko eh. Haha

So masubukan nga. Ang susunod na iilang post ay magtatagalog ako. Mejo marami rami yun, lalo na at gusto ng sumabog nitong dibdib ko at ng utak ko sa dami ng emosyon nakatago at sa madaming bagay na tumatakbo sa isipan ko.

Simulan na to!

comfort zone

"Why can't I leave this comfort zone when I am no longer happy?"

I was asked this question and the immediate answer I gave was, "proper timing". I honestly don't know why I said that. Perhaps it is an image of an inner struggle. A battle of the different voices inside me. It could be a clash of different emotions or the lack of it. I really don't know. But what I do know is that I am not as effective with my work as I used to. I simply give in to any mediocre idea presented to me. That drive for excellence is currently at a flat line.

I got fed up actually. I know I cannot choose the people I work with. I know that I cannot make everyone understand the way I think and the way I do things. Same as I don't readily understand others'. But I always keep an open mind. But when you work with closed-minded people. And you always give way out of respect, you eventually  reach a saturation point. And I've reached mine. In respecting others too much, I'm neglecting my self - respect. And I know I cannot make this as enough reason to quit.

I'm not in my comfort zone yet. I still have so much to learn. There is still a lot of room to grow. It is not yet my proper timing to leave.

And though I am not currently happy, I know I still can turn this around.

To the person who asked me the question, I pray that she can turn her situation around and fine the proper timing.

To the person who is a stressor, proud, entitled(!?), doesn't know real respect but demands it, I pray that she be humbled and see the effect of her actions.


I pray.

Someone is getting on my nerves

khafkjshkfjhasljhgfuoqgfjasflkjashfljkasgfjgasljfgouy34gfljasgfjgfjsjgfjasgfjasf3fugjfgjsagfjasg!

I Will Never Pursue You

Paolo sent me a link of a blog entry with the same title. I had to read it several times even if I already got the point the first time. I can't help but smile. My friends know that I have a different stand. I really do pursue someone If I like him. I'm always tempted by the pawns. And yeah, these are the weakest. My status right now is a very big proof.  I don't regret though. Those are of the past already and I learned from all the crazy things I did.

I cannot say that I will never ever pursue someone anymore. But I do pray for that someone.

Oh well, in His time.

alarm clock

I need a human alarm clock. Seriously.

Excellence

I am so proud of you my Friend! You've really gone a long way. Congratulations!

TextMate

I don't know if today's generation (as if I am that old) still has this textmates thing. Especially with all the networking sites that are easily accessible. If ever they still have, probably they are already calling it something else.

I remember when I got my first cellphone, I was in high school then. Loads were expensive and there is still no such a thing as unli. And since not everyone had a cp yet, for those of us who had, we kind of just texted some random number to be textmates with. For me, I just interchanged my last two digits. Fortunately for me, I sort of "found" someone who could I really be friends with. I don't remember his name though but at that time he became an older brother. I was at that rebellious stage and I was glad that he was there to guide me. Even at a distance. I haven't met him in person and I didn't tell him my family name. All I knew was he was from Luzon. We became textmates for quite a while. I forgot why we stopped communicating. Perhaps, circumstances just changed.

And funny how after more than 14 yrs, I'm back to that phase. Not with the same person but with someone I actually know. Though I don't actually remember his real first name. The past days I just stayed at home. While others are enjoying the long weekend vacationing, I opted for staycation. One, because I am too lazy to go out. Two, I don't want to spend. Three, I have work to do (which I haven't finished until now). Then out of the blue, an acquaintance from long ago messaged me in FB and then we started texting. And I'm glad that we did. We talked about anything that comes to mind. No pretenses. And I guess our conversations is one thing I need at this point. I am all too boxed up with my thoughts. I needed another perspective. And for him, though he's just generally bored, he needed another perspective too. Especially from someone who is older.

Sometimes, we pray for things and we might not noticed it our prayers are already answered. I prayed for clarity. I prayed for understanding. And though it might not have been directly given, I had it through this person. His questions, his dilemma. my responses, my questions, and everything I imparted in our conversations, gave me the clarity and understanding that I prayed for. Sometimes, you just need someone to throw you back the question you asked, so you'll find the answer.

excited

An idea came to mind while reading a book. I'm excited by the thought and can't wait to do it.

I've put aside one particular dream for years now. And I guess it is high time for me to fulfill that. I pray that I can sustain this excitement. And I may need inspiration but I need not look that far. I'll be my own.


I have 10 days. :) better start now. Weeeeee....

the last time

I know I have a very uncommon stand regarding letting my feelings known. If I like you or I love you, I tell you in whatever way possible. And just like what a friend commented, I tell almost everyone. It's not to put pressure on the person I love. It's just me sharing to everyone the love and the happiness that I feel. Or even perhaps the pain if it comes to that.

And I guess I am quite fortunate to have loved people who understood. That even if I keep on repeating the same things over and over or even if I follow he same cycle, they are still there. And can be brutally honest with me if they get tired of listening.

Last night, I asked/requested to speak to someone. It took a lot of courage for me to ask that. But I know I needed to. With all the unrequited love experience I've had, I know that I cannot forever hold on to something that isn't there. You just have to accept that the person can only love you as much. And that much will never be the kind you are longing for.

I don't regret that I asked for that conversation. I don't regret that I let my feelings known. I don't regret asking for a second chance. At least I tried.

And this will be the last time I'll talk about this or about him. Unless, of course, if I am asked or if circumstances change.

I know that he will stay. He promised. And I hold on to that promise.

And my holding on to that means finally letting go of that wish for some miracle to happen and finally accepting that he cannot give me that.

It wouldn't be easy. It was and never will. But I have to try. At the end of the day, what matters is that I loved and learned to let it go.

Trying

i am really trying.

White Flag - LSS

"White Flag"

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you, 
Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it 
where's the sense in that? 

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder 
Or return to where we were 

I will go down with this ship 
And I won't put my hands up and surrender 
There will be no white flag above my door 
I'm in love and always will be 

I know I left too much mess and 
destruction to come back again 
And I caused nothing but trouble 
I understand if you can't talk to me again 
And if you live by the rules of "it's over" 
then I'm sure that that makes sense 

I will go down with this ship 
And I won't put my hands up and surrender 
There will be no white flag above my door 
I'm in love and always will be 

And when we meet 
Which I'm sure we will 
All that was there
Will be there still 
I'll let it pass 
And hold my tongue 
And you will think 
That I've moved on.... 

I will go down with this ship 
And I won't put my hands up and surrender 
There will be no white flag above my door 
I'm in love and always will be 

I will go down with this ship 
And I won't put my hands up and surrender 
There will be no white flag above my door 
I'm in love and always will be 

I will go down with this ship 
And I won't put my hands up and surrender 
There will be no white flag above my door 
I'm in love and always will be

Here's the video!

Selling Me

I went home at 5 am today. I did not plan this esp that I had a client meeting at 10. But the heavy rains didn't allow me to go home earlier.

It has been a while since I had a drinking session with the group. I'll be away for awhile that's why I agreed. I went beyond limit and I was drunk and did some crazy stuff that I had to apologize and clear some things out after.

A 66-yr old foreigner joined us. I am not sure if my friends would remember but they actually sold me to the person. I wasn't in any way offended. I am not interested with the person. I just found it amusing. My friends are really really desperate about my dating life. Haha Matchmaking me to a guy older than my father means that I am really a red flag for them. And believing that I would go for that person makes the flag double. I don't know if they can still remember what they did.

Oh well. Hahaha I can't help but laugh.

Disappointed

There are things that I really find hard to let go. I don't easily get disappointed. If I do, I try as much to understand the situation and know where the other party is coming from. So if I have a difficulty letting go, I must be really really disappointed.

There was one particular incident last week that caused me to raise my eyebrows. And that even until yesterday I wasn't in the mood to talk to the people involved. As a company we pride ourselves to advise people on communication but we fail to follow the same. Perhaps the people here are just so passive when reading email correspondences. And even fail to understand phone conversations. Oh well, you really can't do something if the problem is one's attitude. 

I acknowledge that I was being difficult with this specific issue. But at least I told my boss about how I felt. We can never grow as individuals and as a company if there's a general consensus on mediocrity.

I guess this is a good self - reminder too. 

Prince

I'm often told that I should hurry love because I am not getting any younger anymore. I'll be 30 this year. I can agree with them but I can also not.

I am already pass that stage of desperation. Of questioning why I am not quite successful in this particular aspect of my life. While my friends are already busy with marriage and kids, I am yet to start with relationhips. Again, I already have accepted that there will be really be someone meant for me. And yes, I pray about it.

Someone came, problem is, ours is a big case of bad timing. No need to elaborate. That's why I cried my heart out while watching she's dating the gangster. Timing is indeed a bitch in our case.

I understand though. I cannot force things esp those I cannot control. I can only pray.

I told that someone that I am not in a hurry. I just know who I want. And I don't care if I break the norms. Who says women can't pursue men?

But the again, I am factoring in the considerations he made. I can care. I can love. I can. But I can only do as much as I am allowed to.

My prince, I may have needed t-ice's power to talk to you that night, I'm happy that we talked. And yes, I remember everything that we talked about. I trust your words. And yes, I am still hoping for some miracle to happen. That you eventually change your mind. And give us another chance.

'Til next time! My heart is at peace. I don't regret going after you to get that hug. It was therapeutic. :)

apology

I'M SORRY.

I know that what I wrote affected you. You wont text if it didn't. I cannot take it back anymore. I can only apologize. And I will apologize again when we see each other.

I hope you'll allow me to explain why I had that impression.

And until we talk, I will look back at those moments that I failed to consider when I said what I said.

I am sorry Prince.

Mahal

MAHAL... it's a cute endearment. And it's an endearment used by bo's and his new love. I don't know their love story. We haven't had the chance to talk about it. And i am not also sure if he is willing to share.

Why write about this all of a sudden? I was just reminded because of MMK. It's actually an episode about the process of moving on. And I actually can relate. I think I am still in the process.

Bo's went through a failed relationship which I don't know the story too. But having his mahal right now, he must have moved on already. And as a friend, i am happy for him.

And I am also looking forward to that time that I'll eventually have that new love. As I have shared in my previous posts, I recently had my heart broken. It just sinked in to me that I was sort of dumped. And in a way was played at.

I already passed the stage of being mad and being in denial. I just am not so sure at what stage I am right now. I just overshadow what I truly feel because of everything that happened with my parents.

Many would say that it should be easy to move on. I wasn't in a relationship in the first place. And there are not much memories to hold on to. And it was recently revealed that everything could have been a lie.

So why am I having a hard time? Is it because of my stubbornness? Is it because I want revenge? I am having a hard time because I trusted the person. He knew what I went through with my past heartaches. And in fairness to me, I did my best to not do those things that caused me to push people away.

I trusted him enough to not question his sincerity.

Perhaps I was blinded. Perhaps I assumed too much. Perhaps I am to be blamed too.

Hopefully, after this I can truly move forward. And I sincerely pray that the next person that I will fall in love with or develop a liking to, wilk not play with my feelings. I am too old for that already.

And just like the prayer of that girl in MMK, I pray that I'll find that someone I am meant to spend the rest of my life with. I also pray that I won't give up on loving.

SHIT

I was supposed to post something in FB that has a lot of the word shit in it. Unfortunately my net connection didn't allow me to. Posting failed and I wasn't able to retrieve it. And funny enough, I can't remember the exact words I used. I tried to recompose but can't. I can't recreate the impact. Haha

It was something like this though...

 "I dont see the logic of bragging about doing something then complaining about it. It's like telling the world that you are proud of eating shit but complains about eating it. Esp if one does it again and again. At the end of the day, one gets rewarded not by eating the shit but from learning from it. And if one does it again, he must not complain after"

We were given the gift of freewill. We always have a choice. If our choice doesn't do us any good, then understandable. We are bound to make mistakes. But if we make the same choice again, then we must face the consequences. We must not complain.

I don't deny that I am a complainer (I'm not sure of the term). But I don't complain about the things that I wasn't forced to do. I made my choice after all.

It is not for me to judge others. But I sincerely pray for those people I am referring to. It is time for them to grow.

Gratitude

This is a long overdue post. I've been very busy with work since I've been away for more than two weeks. And the exhaustion from that time got the best of me. I was eager to post negativity than the positivity of the gratitude I was feeling.

A month ago, my strength as a person and as a believer was really tested. Both my parents were diagnosed with medical conditions that needs immediate attention and a good amount of money which my insurance can't cover. I was really lost at first. Being an only child in this kind of situation is tough. I don't have the money and I can't work because I need to take care of them. But fast forward to today, we were able to went through all that. I am back to work and my parents are recovering. We were even able to celebrate Mama's birthday and have a simple thanksgiving.

As I look back, I guess I could say that I am very fortunate to have the people around me right now. And as a friend told me, I might have done something good to be blessed with those people who helped us through that tough time. I am really just amazed. And I really am thankful.

Even without my asking for financial aid, my AGS family and my FISHES friends readily shell out money for support. Their financial aid would sum up to almost a session for my mother. And I was able to extend that help also to those I met at the hospital who does not have money for food and medicine.

More than that, I am also grateful for my friends who visited and readily offered help for medicines in case needed.

For family especially. Our family in CDO is not big and we don't gather often esp that Mama's cousin is working abroad and is seldom here. I'm grateful for the connections he have. We were able to schedule Papa for operation immediately and we were given big discounts. We were able to spend only a fraction of what we could have spent in another hospital. Though the hospital wasn't as comfortable, at least my father was properly taken cared of.

One thing that I think I have proven with what we went through is the power of collective/communal prayer. If there was one thing I asked from friends, that was to help me pray. And I even asked my WAF family to pray for us also.

I am really just thankful to everyone who supported us and were with us. I don't care if I have a huge amount of debt. I can just find the money. But the comfort of my parents is priceless.

I trust in Him that he will not allow Papa's cancer to spread and he will allow Mama to still see for a long period of time.

THANK YOU!

THANK YOU LORD!

TRUST

TRUST... indeed is a big word.

I easily trust people. It really is my nature. I always believe in people's goodness. After all, that should be everyone's default state. But I learned the hard way that goodness and trustworthiness does not necessarily go hand in hand. While a person may be good, there are certain things he cannot be trusted with. Or make that, others can trust him but you can't because he is simply not loyal to you.

It is just so sad that there are again people I cannot trust. But oh well, at least I learned earlier. Not much harm done.

I'm tired.

Can I rest even just for a while?
Can I get a hug for comfort?
Can I stop?
Can I?

Let It Go

I'm mad that I am mad.

I guess I was too hurt that's why I refuse to understand.

Anyway, I guess I just have to accept the fact that whatever I have to say doesn't count. My feelings don't matter. I'll just let that be. If I lose friends along the way, then perhaps they are not meant to stay in my life forever.

Goodbyes Part 2

So what was that challenge I pose myself?

Well, I have been contemplating if I need to say goodbye too. I went through a very sad phase lately. It was a constant push and pull of the positives and the negatives of where I'm at right now. I guess it was evident in my previous entries.

Needless to say, I became unhappy with work, my immediate environment, and then people around me. I am the clingy type. It may not be evident but I am too dependent on people who's presence has been constant in my life. It would take me quite some time to get used to them not being around esp if they are still around. And it doesn't help that I am a jealous person. So all that combined made me want to leave. And I really thought that I was going to. Or make that I am still thinking it through.

Some people knew about this. And they have different views. There are those who wanted me to stay because I am still needed. There are those who supports my leaving if my stay wouldn't make me happy anymore. There are those who advise on thinking about my future. And there are those who simply supports whatever it is that my heart decides on.

I had an interview last week and I'd say that it went well. But it was clear that I wasn't ready to leave my current job. If I look into the deepest corners of my heart, I know I am at a place that would make me fulfill my life mission. That is to inspire/help people to meet their full potentials and at the same time meet mine too. I want that if I go up, i bring others along with me. I know I am struggling as to the how. Especially that most of the time I am overpowered by my emotions. But if I leave now, that would equate to giving up my mission.

I left the university not because I gave up but because I wanted to grow more so I can give more.  And I was already able to see people moving towards reaching their potentials and I am happy to say that i have contributed even a little to that.If I leave my current company, I would  leave without accomplishing my goal. If only i can get through one person in the team.

But why I am still pondering on saying goodbye despite not having accomplished my goal? I cannot be selfish to my family. My current earnings cannot suffice their needs. And I think I am quite a disappointment to them in that aspect. When most of my parents' friends lives lavishly because their children are earning so much, my parents still lives simply. I cannot give them everything that they want.

Oh well. I am lifting up everything to Him. All will be well. The right thing will eventually be decided upon.

confrontation

I don't know how i fair when it comes to confrontation. What i am quite sure is that there are times that i just choose to keep things inside than "confront" a person. Which isn't good by the way because it can drain you. But sometimes you just have to. I just have to. When faced with too many evils, i just choose the lesser ones. And usually the lesser ones involves keeping all the hurt to myself.

Just this week, i got into a heated discussion with a close friend. It started with her teasing me and then the conversation just went out of bounds. I raised my voice and i didn't mind that there were others around.

I chose to drop the conversation. And i dont intend to talk about it anymore. I won't explain 'cause there is no point explaining. Perhaps, there are just some things that we cannot agree on. And there are just some things that no amount of explanation can make one understand.

And I would agree that this is wrong. I'm being stubborn, closed-minded, and whatsoever. And i will not defend my being one. And i don't expect to be understood.

And this is the lesser evil that I chose. But eventually i'll have to face that greater evil soon.

Goodbye!

"There is no good in goodbye"

This is a song lyrics that I often associate with people leaving. I am not good with goodbyes. I hate seeing the people I love leave. But as the cliche goes, there is no goodbye just see you around.

We had to say goodbye to a colleague today. This wasn't the first but this was the first time the team formally bid goodbye. With the messages, the tarp, and all. Personally, I am sad that Mark is leaving. As one of the two senior consultants remaining, the team really bank on his expertise. But I understand why he is leaving. People's priorities change. And after more than 3 yrs in the company, he felt like there is a bigger future for him outside.

And perhaps I pose this as a challenge to myself too.  And I'll write about in a different post.

Good Luck, Mark!

Free Writing at 2 AM

It's 2 AM and I should be sleeping already. But I can't. I just finished watching the last episode of How I Met Your Mother. Yeah., yeah, crazy me. I just had to finish watching the series so I won't imagine anymore what the ending is. Which I didn't not like by the way. I just had high hopes that it will be Barney and Robin 'til the end.

Again, I should be sleeping right now. I have to be early at work. And before I go to work I have to clean the house. Technically, it's clean. Just that most of my stuff are in the "living room"  and I have to transfer it all to my room since my housemate's coming home. Ok, that statement is too long. Why am I writing this way? Oh just let me be. It's 2 AM and I am going through something. Yeah, the dramatic side of me wants to go all out. If it was such a long weekend for Ted, it has been a long long few months for me. I tried my best to find my escape but I know I cannot. I eventually have to face everything. Only me can help me get through with all these shit.

It's been a crazy 5/6 of the half of the year.

January. I was so looking forward to that month because of Sinulog. But Alas, I wasn't able to experience my first Sinulog. Worse, my father was hospitalized. Worst, was in ICU. And whatever you call the worse thing than worst, I was financially broke. And I had this drama that I didn't find comfort from the people who I expected to be there for me. And there are ongoing projects that needed my attention and I just can't divide myself.

February. A project started and the client is demanding of my time. Yeah, it's like that mostly but this is different. It's as if they bank on my name, not the company's. And that's tough. To add to that, I was given a project I didn't want to work on. And since my heart wasn't into it, it blew right into my face. A big boo boo. It definitely made me question if I am really capable of doing the tasks I am asked to. It made me question my judgment. You see, the moment I start doing that, I totally lose confidence in myself and all else becomes a disaster. And oh! this was Valentine's month. Nahhhh.. I didn't really care that it was but I met someone and my heart or whatever you call that thing in your head that let's you feel something went crazy. I got sick but was still working while I was sick.

March. And that craziness was carried over to this month. Since everyone was so concerned of my love life status, they started dropping hints to that guy. Which forced the guy to asked me out. Yeah, I was thrilled when he asked me out. But you see, it hit another negative button in me. I never wanted a guy to asked me out just because he was forced to. And did I say, I talked about this guy to most people but not to my closest friend in Cebu. Yeah, because of my drama shit, I didn't talk to my friend. I didn't talk to most people. And I did not do so for quite a while. And that hurts. Nobody reaching out to the other. It's like throwing away a friendship just like you're throwing garbage in can. Well, you know that feeling. I don't know if I am making the right comparison here.

April. This month. Can I use the word crazy again? Well, I really went nuts. I thought I already had a chance at love but it slipped away. You see, I wasn't looking for one despite the pressures around me. I didn't give in to what people wanted me to do just to find that someone. I met the guy at a point when my heart was ready. And who would have thought that I'd met him at the place I left almost 2 yrs ago. Who would have thought that I'd met because of a project I didn't want to handle. Who would have thought that on our first meeting, I'd feel that spark. And I don't believe in spark at first sight. Who would have thought that I'd pray for him to be that someone. Who would have thought that I'd let him meet my parents and tell my parents afterwards that I like him. Who would have thought that I'd be careful in dealing with him because I didn't want to push him away. Who would have thought that I'll be totally honest with him and trust him despite not knowing him that much. Who would have thought that I'd asked him to give us a chance. Yes, I liked others before. I went crazy for some. But never did I ask for them to be in a committed relationship with me. Who would have thought that this guy would tell me to court me and do nothing after. Who would have thought that I'll have my first break-up even before there was officially an us. Who would have thought that I didn't shed a tear after our long conversation. Who would have thought that I'd be totally cool after.

May. And being totally cool with everything because you just opted to hide every bit of your emotions in the deepest corner of your heart, will eventually claim its price after. Half-way through this month, I did the ultimate craziness. I forwarded CVs to companies I don't see myself working in. And my CV was plain bad. And to top that, the craziness of the past months took a great blow to my performance and my relationship with the team. I was the leader. But I wasn't that. I was merely someone who gets in and out of the office. Flies in and out of some places. I was never around. I failed my team in so many ways because I chose to be weak when I needed to be strong. I chose to dwell on the bad things that happen. And I chose to say goodbye to the good stuffs.

Now, having said all that. I guess I was able to let out all of the negative forces that I chose to held on. And I guess it is already time. I refuse to be unhappy. I refuse to sulk. After all, everything that happened to me wasn't all bad. And good things even happened out of the bad that did. Everything happens for a reason, right?

January. Yes, I may have missed that first Sinulog experience but there will be another. I would never trade taking care of my parents for that. I may have felt that I was abandoned by friends, but there were those who were there. And I realized that I was never abandoned. Some people just show their care differently. And I may have been financially broke, well that's just money. I'll be able to recover from that eventually. What's important was that my father was healed.

February. I had to experience that failure. I had to be completely knocked out to be able to see another perspective. And though it might have take quite some time for me to stand up and act, at least I am getting there. Well, realizing that I like someone is a good thing. At least I know my heart is still capable of beating.

March. Last night my friend and I really had that talk. Just to clear out everything and to know that we're good. I admit that I was selfish and shallow. But as my friend told me, I had to experience that for her message to get through. What the message was, I'll share some other time.
Yes, that guy may have been forced to ask me out but still he asked me out. I'll just stick to that thought that you cannot force a guy if he really doesn't want to.

April. I am not mad at the person but I was hurt. And yes, I did not shed a tear for that guy until I wrote all the who would have thought's above. I really like him but then I know that I cannot force it. If in some near future we will be given a chance, and I still feel what I feel, then why not. But if we won't be given that chance, then perhaps that's just it.

May. The bomb has already exploded. I'm starting to clean up. It's good that I was able to let these all out. And I guess this was the push I needed to get me back on track again. It's time that I lead.  As for those applications, let's just see what happens.

Two wonderful things that happened by the way, two of my best friends got married and we have a new baby in the family. And that's how I see my future, my happy ending. Someday, I'll get married and have kids. And while waiting for that, I need to experience all the things that I need to experience for me to be ready for that happy ending. And I just might share all these to my future kids with the story of how i met their father.

And I still have a lot to say but it's almost 4 am. 'Til next free writing.