Loss,Lose,Loose,Lost?

There are times that the mind cannot process what it is supposed to because of a lot of things going on. To a point of not being able to figure out even the simplest of spellings. And for several days now, I am into that kind of situation. And I haven't figured out the spelling yet. Quite a shame actually.

I'm certainly not ok. And being in this sad place doesn't help. And the place I am going back to is a place that isn't happy either. That's why I can't wait to be home. I can't wait to hug my parents, sleep beside them, play with my dogs, sleep in my room, eat Mama's cooking, have Papa clean my shoes, etc. I am just so looking forward to going home.

In the years that I've been working away from home, this is the saddest I've been. It's not because of work pressures. I've been through worst. It's probably because I feel so alone. And I dread that feeling.

:(

Adik Ko

Sometimes I really have that tendency to be overly dramatic. Of course I don't do it on purpose. It just happens naturally. I know it is something that I need to work on because it affects my relationship with people. I admit that I am a jealous person. And it is a work in progress for me to address that nature.

Somewhere along the way though, I fail in my attempt to overcome it. I don't openly tell people that I am jealous. I keep it to myself. Just that, if you keep something it will eventually come out. And once it comes out, boom! It becomes koko krunch ( corny. Not sure even of the spelling. Boo.)

I did something crazy last night. And I was called selfish because of it. Perhaps I am. Perhaps I am just so crazy to not talk about how I truly feel. Perhaps I am crazy to want to spend time with people because I miss their company.

I actually don't care if people laugh at me because of the way I act. They can laugh all they want. But what I do care about is I don't push the people (I love) away because of my unusual way of showing that I care and love them.

I don't want to be selfish. And I am not.

Starting Over Again

"And when I hold you in my arms I promise you
You're gonna feel a love that's beautiful and new
This time I'll love you even better than I ever did before
And you'll be in my heart forevermore"

I've been trying to complete this post for several days now. This is actually a long overdue "reaction" to Piolo and Toni's movie. And as I try to complete this, I honestly cannot completely gather my thoughts. There are a lot of things that I wanted to say. Not just about the movie nor the song. But the phrase itself. As I have been telling people, I went through a lot since this year started. And I really was on the verge of giving up. Thankfully, I have people around me who put some sense to my (hard) head.

So I guess I have to divide this post into three, to satisfy all the crazy thoughts I have.

The song.

I loved the song the first time I heard it. I was in elementary then. Of course I don't know what it meant but the singer in me (lol) easily mastered it. From then on the song became my constant study companion. I don't know but I seem to absorb all that I am studying if I listen to the song (and all other songs of the same genre). 

Perhaps I should practice that again. Work stresses are taking its toll on me. I don't perform quite as effective and efficient as I used to. It's time to do try some old tricks. Lels

The movie.

I am a cry baby and a sucker for movies such as this. I don't know why but I didn't cry (or maybe just once) while watching. But I smiled and laughed a lot. In so many ways I was able to relate to Ginny and even Marco. I laughed because I can now openly talk about the pains of the past without feeling the pain. Those who knows me would testify that I've been through a lot in the love department. No matter how smart I am, I become a fool when "in love". Oftentimes, I don't see reason anymore.

But those experiences were necessary for me to learn and to grow. As I often tell my friends, I have experienced pain and committed all the mistakes to prepare me for that someone I am meant to spend the rest of my life with. And I think the movie sums up to this.

The phrase.

I've had a lot of starting over again moments. And I am happy to have grabbed those moments. My transfer to the corporate world is one. A lot have raised their eyebrows when I did that. But I am happy that I took that step. I am happy with where I am now despite the challenges. 

Perhaps the biggest starting over again moment I took was with myself. I do admit that I did not know myself and did not love myself the way I do now. I don't know the exact moment I took that step  but it was brought out by the realization that I cannot truly love if I don't have love. 

So perhaps I wasn't allowed to be in a relationship despite having mutual feelings because of lack of self love, or to be more precise because of lack of self acceptance. 

And I have now. I love myself more now. I know myself better and have accepted who I am. I am not perfect. But who says that I need to be?

And on that note, I am taking yet another step to starting over. This time in terms of meeting that someone I am meant to be with. I won't succumb to the pressures around me. I just want to make everything right this time. And I sincerely do pray about it. Whether I met him already or have yet to meet him.

This time I will love even better than I ever did before. 

Candidate No.3

I'd been meaning to write for several days now. But can't seem to find the right words because of all the craziness going in my head. Thankfully, I had a massage earlier which somehow caused my mind to calm a bit. I was therapized (a term I learned today which means the feeling after something doing therapeutic. Accdg to bata. And I don't want to google it). 

There are a lot of things that I want to write about. I still have a pending post re the Piolo and Toni moment. But for this post, I'd like to share about a very interesting Q and A I've had. Interesting because it's not everyday that I get to be asked those questions esp by a guy. If the conversation wasn't through SMS, I would literally have "tameme" moments. 

I was asked about what's my criteria for a guy I want to date. I answered my usual answer. Someone who is not intimidated with/by me. Someone who I cannot overpower. Someone who can leave me speechless. And funny I was told that I don't have a taste with men because these are just my criteria. Haha He got a point though. I mean, no specific traits (physical or not) were mentioned. 

So I'd like to expound. 

Someone who is not intimated with/by me.

       I don't like guys underestimating themselves because of what I have achieved. There's a difference between someone who is just shy (as I am shy myself) and someone who isn't proud of what they have achieved or isn't looking forward to what they will achieve.
       I do admit that I have this tendency to challenge. As I love to be challenged too. So if the guy isn't up for the challenge, then that's it.

Someone who I cannot overpower.
  
        This is related to the first. Someone who I cannot intimidate then I cannot overpower. I am not a power tripper. But sometimes I cannot help but be dominant. Perhaps it's due to the position I have and have had. So I need to be tamed. So I get attracted to guys who shows a certain aura of authority.

        
Someone who can leave me speechless.

        I am shy but once I get warmed up, I become very talkative. And I have that tendency to monopolized conversation. So I get attracted to those who can counter my being talkative. Those who can throw me questions that will leave me thinking. Or those who can brutally be frank with me. Or those who can throw jokes than can make me laugh hard enough that I end up crying.


And I guess to sum all these, the guy must be smart. And to borrow my friend's answer to the same question (but for girls he wants to date), the guy should be smart and everything else follows.


I'd like to commend the guy who asked me the question. It maybe simple but it was tough. Especially that there were follow up questions that (to my mind)were designed in a way so my answers will end up inconsistent. Haha 

Seriously, the questions allowed me to ponder.

Yes, I have certain traits that I look for in a guy. But for several times, I deviated from the list. 

The heart just beats when it wants to beat for someone. 

long trips

As I often say, I love long trips. It allows me to think. And I am thankful that I was given an opportunity to have one.

I won't deny that the first two months of this year has been very challenging. It really tested me. And I almost gave up. For a while I thought I was already facing my last days at work. But perhaps when you love what you are doing, nature will always have its way to put everything back in place.

This trip to Davao and the literal long trip to GenSan gave me the opportunity to ponder. I was able to think clearly and assess what I want to do and where I want to be. My heart is still is with the company and the work I do. I haven't fulfilled yet my mission. And this time, I have that renewed hope and commitment because I was given the reassurance that I am not alone in this journey. Though I kid around that I wanted to transfer (as the environment in Davao is way way better), I know I won't. My mission is in Cebu. There are a lot of things that needs to be improved there. As a friend told me, there are people there who are holding on to me.

And so, I am not writing that letter (yet). I will give this another chance. And I guess, it is worth noting that the "bungisngis" me brings out the heart I needed to make everything in order.

Thank you Lord!