Going the Distance

Things right now are just so hard to take in that I'm again into that Love Stories movie marathon habit. It's my way of destressing that well, ends up with me feeling all alone. Twisted, right? But that's how twisted my mind works at times. Oh well, most of the time. Perhaps, I can never do away with being hopelessly romantic. Or maybe, I am still not giving up on love. I am still hoping to finally be with that person I am destined to be with.

I am often told that I can never find him because I have closed my heart. I still am not over with a past love. They could be right. I am still not over with it. But I am not closing my heart to any possible new love. Problem is, there's none right now. I am not in a hurry though (even when I should). Someday, in someplace, I'll find him.

I'm just curious, what will my life be if I ended up with that past love. I was so engrossed with loving him that I didn't consider our situation. He's there, I'm here. If we were actually in a relationship, how are we going to get through given the distance? How will we make it work? When with just being friends, I am missing him terribly, how much more if he actually feels the same way? My love is real, but will it be strong enough?

Oh well, so much questions. But I guess, the bottomline would be, Love, no matter the situation, will always find its way. We maybe miles apart but we'll find a way to bridge that distance.

I miss him. Someday, I hope to be able to tell him this.  I know I shouldn't be missing him anymore. And I shouldn't be loving him anymore. But I miss him (terribly) and I still love him. I cannot tell him upfront though. And I am not even allowed to tell him. This situation is twisted. Yes, I go on with my life. I am moving forward. But there's this nagging feeling of something that's lacking. There's a void in my heart. 

Anong Nangyari Sa Ating Dalawa?

Para maiba lang, susubukan kong magsulat gamit ang Pambansang Wika. Kinakabahan ako kung mapaninindigan ko ito. Pero ika nga, di ko malalaman kung hindi ko susubukan.

Anong nangyari sa ating dalawa? Ito ay ang kantang nanalo sa isang patimpalak sa telebisyon. Gustong-gusto ko ang kanta. Hindi lang dahil sa maganda ang pagkakaawit pero dahil sa kung gaano katagos sa puso ang letra. At gusto ko rin sagutin ang tanong. Anong nangyari sa ating dalawa mahal kong kaibigan?

Ang laki ng pinagbago ng kung ano tayo. O baka dahil ako ang nagbago. Walang nagbago sa nararamdaman ko. Kaibigan ka pa rin para sa akin. Natatakot lang ako o siguro nahihiya. Nasanay kasi ako na ikaw takbuhan ko sa halos lahat.  At ayoko nang masanay. Alam ko kasi na hindi sa lahat ng oras andiyan ka. Alam ko na kung anong konting oras meron ka pagkatapos ng trabaho mas ilalaan mo sa isang tao. Ayoko na dumating yung panahon na mas masasaktan ako dahil nasanay ako sa kung ano tayo.

Matagal na akong sumuko. Paulit ulit ko itong sinasabi para tumatak sa utak ko. Para hindi ko makalimutan. Ang hirap. Ang hirap ng ganito. Gusto kitang kausapin pero nagdadalawang isip ako. Ang dami kong gustong sabihin. Gusto ko marinig boses mo. Gusto kita makita. Pero hindi pwede. Parang mali.

Sobra na siguro kitang namiss. Hindi ko na maintindihan kung ano ang nangyayari.

Weddings

I love weddings. I used to say that I do not like it because I always feel jealous but deep within I know that I love that event. C'mon it's the most vivid expression of love(unless of course those few cases of arranged marriages).  What I even love more about it is when the couple make their own vows and share it.

Yesterday, I was able to witness a wedding of two people I don't know. I knew of them because an officemate is the mother of the groom. And I personally met the groom just the night before the wedding. We accompanied him in a til-dawn drinking spree. Glad I didn't get drunk because we had another drinking session. What's happening to me?

Anyway, the wedding was simple yet fun. Their love story is fun. I got too emotional during the ceremony that I cannot think but think of my own. Yeah, yeah I have a wedding in mind. And I am excited for that day to come. Hahahaha But I know it will not come anytime soon. Mailap si partner eh. But I sincerely pray for that person to come. As what my friend said, I deserve someone who will love me and be loyal to me.

Soon. Soon.  

It's Not About the Money

I am often asked of when will I leave or make that when will I resign. And I cannot give a definite answer. Yes, I have had my rants at about work. And yes, I almost gave up for so many reasons but most esp because I am not paid well. I work like a horse and yet I don't get what I deserve. But why am I still staying? There are so many opportunities that will make me earn more. There are opportunities for me to grow professionally. But again, why am I still staying? Simple. I don't want to jump to another unless I have left my mark. As the cliche goes, it's not about the money. I may not be earning like what my colleagues are earning but I would like to believe that I earn more that the monetary value of their compensation. This is not to compare, but just to point out that right now, this is where I am needed. This is where I can help hone others while honing myself. I want to leave my mark here.

I don't want to put to waste the "waiting" that I did. Slowly, my potentials are recognized and rewarded. It pays to wait, I guess. I'm thankful that eventhough my new appointment created a stir to those who first knew and will create a stir to those who will know, I am placed in a position where I can do more. Where I won't stagnate and will continue to grow.

In the end, the best rewards are those money can't buy.

Thank you Lord for another blessing. :)

How's Everything Going?

How's Everything Going?

This is a question usually asked to initiate conversation. In vernacular, Musta?

Someone asked me this question earlier and it's something that I really needed. For days, I kept on ranting on how heavy things are for me right now in terms of work. C'mon the transition is hard. I can carry the workload but I'm having a hard time dealing with people's reaction. The gap was somehow lessen because they had fun laughing at my wasted moments. I am torn. I understand them. I know where they are coming from. But they have to learn to accept things. I guess management saw my potentials that's why I was given the post. And I appreciate that and I deserve that. I am torn because I'd like not to hurt but I also want to discipline. I really don't know how to start. I have a lot of things in mind as areas for improvement. But I cannot implement it alone. 

I really wanted to shout this morning when I heard that side comment. It was unfair, uncalled for, and it invites trouble. 

As my friend told me, I did not do anything wrong so I shouldn't be guilty about anything.

To that someone who asked me the question. thank you...

Wanted: Stay!

I already stopped my stalking habit and I removed all possible temptations to stalk. But somehow fate has a way of allowing me to see and know things. I came across two songs posted by someone in FB. And perhaps because I am so into my emotions right now that I get to relate to the lyrics. I can so relate to the point that I can't help but cry.

"Not really sure how to feel about it
Something in the way you move
Makes me feel like I can't live without you
It takes me all the way
I want you to stay, stay
I want you to stay, ohhh" - Stay, Rihanna

"'Cause I wanna wrap you up
Wanna kiss your lips
I wanna make you feel wanted
And I wanna call you mine
Wanna hold your hand forever
And never let you forget it
Yeah, I, I wanna make you feel wanted" - Wanted, Hunter Hayes


There's so much meaning in these songs.

Sometimes you get to the point where you want to also feel wanted, needed. That at any moment you are away, you are missed. That people get to wish that you stay in their lives. And I guess I am at that point right now. I'm done with wanting people to stay. I'm done.

Pwede ako na sad karon?

Someday

Today is not yet the someday that I had hoped for. That is why I seem so fucked up with a lot of emotions. My heart and my mind are so stubborn to accept the way things are now. They seem to what to make things complicated that it ends up complicated. Even if what I needed to  do is just simple. Just to let things be and move on. But if I really think about it, it's really not easy. And this is all my pride talking. I think I did a lot of eating my pride before that I cannot swallow it anymore.

I hate being in this situation because I always fight with myself and end up confused. I know what's right but I refuse to do the right thing. It makes me really crazy and I don't want to be crazy. I always have this fear that whatever I do, it would all seem wrong.

What I really hope for is that someday, I won't hurt anymore.  :(

Sleepless

Perhaps I am really bothered that's why I have a hard time sleeping. There are so many things running in my head. There are so many things that I need to do and I don't know where and how to start. My promotion has such an overwhelming impact in me that I have a hard time absorbing it. Especially that I became a subject of others ridicule though I don't have anything to do with management's decision.

My life will be very busy with the transition. I am expected to absorb everything in an instant. I don't want to think that I am alone in this. I pray that I can count on my officemates to support me. I don't want to go through what others went through because they were promoted ahead. I did my job well and I guess I have proven enough.

Bless me with the strength and energy Lord to cope with the demands of my work. I have a very rigid schedule next week and the weeks to come.

Thank you for the very productive Sunday morning. I value more myself now than ever.

Wasted

Last night was so much fun. It was an unforgettable night. Bosses were with us to chill. And a few of us got wasted. I got so wasted that I vomited and vomited. I even can't stop talking. The last song I remember singing was a thousand years and the next thing I remember is that I was already eating noodles.

The first thing I did when i woke up this morning was check my FB. I was online last night and I kept on checking my account. I did a lot of clean-up because I posted a lot of things that  shouldn't be posted. I checked my msgs to someone and boom I messaged him. And though there was nothing to worry about the msgs I sent, I even apologized, I am just not sure if there were msgs I sent and deleted afterwards. I have this fear that he is mad at me because he didn't respond. There's no way for me to know if I said anything not nice. While I was talking to my boss earlier, she said that I said things about him last night. Gosh.

It's been a while since I talked to him and yes I miss him. And I have this feeling that he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. I admit that I don't initiate conversation with him anymore. I made it a point that I only talk to him if he talks to me. It was my way of slowly detaching myself from him. And it hurts. It hurts a lot. I want him to still be a part of my life. I want him to stay. But I guess we both are keeping distance from each other. I just pray that this will not take long. Because it will hurt all the more.

I don't want to get wasted anytime soon.

Valentine's Day?

For the hopeless romantic like me, Valentines is a day to really look forward to. I remember in previous years' Vday, I had that fantasy that someone will surprise me and sweep me off my feet. None of my fantasies went real though. Except for that one Valentine. When this month started, me and my close pals already planned on what to do this day. We already anticipated that we don't have dates today. Hahaha 

And true enough nobody asked us out. No bitter feelings though. Personally, I didn't expect even greetings. And I didn't end up disappointed.

But of course, I am still a girl. I won't deny that I envied those I saw dating and those who posted that they received flowers and gifts. Even my officemate had a lunchdate and a stuffed toy from his boyfriend. I just appease myself with the thought that time will come and someone unexpected will sweep me off my feet and make me forget all those dateless Valentines.

Thank you BFB for the rose and thanks Bata and Bartey for giving way and allowing me to bring the rose home.

Happy Valentine's Day! 

Deputy Manager

I had a one-on-one discussion with my Big Boss this afternoon. I anticipated a heated discussion but it turned out otherwise. Perhaps because she started it with praising me on how much I look younger now that she almost didn't recognized me. Maybe because I was in a happy disposition. Thanks to exercise my endorphin is high. Or maybe because I didn't want anymore any negative things when it comes to work. I had this resolve to give this company a chance and to give it time. After all, not all good things come in an instant.

The bottomline of the discussion is that I'll be formally taking on a higher post. It's not entirely different from what I am doing right now but I'll be taking care of other people's career growth. I waited for this and suffice to say that I have sacrificed a lot for this.  Am I ready? Can I take on the challenge?  I know I can. What I am apprehensive about is that my promotion will hurt other people's ego. I am put in a position where I need to balance/bridge management and staff. And right now a lot are having issues with management. I just really hope that people will not take things the wrong way. 

KAya ko ni.

FEEL AGAIN

A friend introduced me to this song by One Republic. And I liked it. It somehow summed up what exactly happened 3 years ago.

Heart still beating but it's not working
It's like a hundred thousand voices that just can't sing
I reach out trying to love but I feel nothing
Oh my heart is numb

But with you
I feel again
And with you
I can feel again

I'm feeling better since you know me
I was a lonely soul but that's the old me
A little wiser now but you show me
Yeah, I feel again
Feel again...


Yeah, it's no news of how broken I was and I never thought that I'd learn to love again. I went through that stage of not feeling anything. I pitied myself because somehow those I loved always found a way to betray and break me. I was literally lonely and was just shadowing my heart with pretenses of being happy. Until he came. What I felt for him is something I never thought I'd feel. And it wasn't forced. I didn't force myself to love him just for the sake of telling myself that I am capable of love. And yeah, those moments with him were moments that I was completely myself. NO pretenses. I wasn't afraid to show him the real me because I wasn't afraid that he'd judge me. But yeah things didn't end up the way I wanted. And yeah, there were a lot of emotions that exploded. And yeah, I am broken. 

But well, that's life. Things doesn't always go as you want it to be. For what reason, who knows?

I don't want to think that I am exactly on the same phase 3 years ago. I don't want to think that my heart's not functioning. But suffice to say that I suppress whatever feeling I can suppress. I don't pretend to be perfectly fine because I am not. But I don't like to ruin myself and my relationships just because I suppress my emotions.

My heart is still beating but it's not working. Soon I can undo my voluntary suppression of my feelings and truly feel again.

Love Doctor

It's love month. Next week it'd be Valentines and as always it'll just be an ordinary day. Hahahah bitter mode. Me and my single officemates even plan to pig out as a way of celebrating the bitterness. Hahaha No bitterness actually, we are just looking for some reason to pig out. And I am kinda worried because it hasn't been a week yet but I guess I already gained. lol

Anyway, what I really want to write about is on how I love being the love doctor. Yes, yes.. I don't have a  lot of experience but I guess I can very well relate to those who are hurting right now. It's like I can put some sense into their head because I am going through the same thing. These past few days, a friend reached out quite unexpectedly. I know it's hard for him to be busted by the one person who he expected to understand and accept him esp at this point in his life. Esp that he was given high hopes that there was a chance. It's like a double edged sword crushed his heart. I know that what he is going through is hard. They agreed to stay friends but it is as if it was just for the sake of saying that they stay friends. The girl kept her distance and found someone else to love.

I told my friend that after that "let's stay friends" conversation, there could be distance. Some sort of adjustment for the other to not give hopes and the other to not give wrong signs of pursuing. It's hard because feelings don't fade easily. And no matter how mature the persons involved are, there are just some emotions that can be controlled and must be allowed to flow to avoid one from exploding.

I don't know if I gave all the right words to my friend. But I guess he understood esp that he knows I am going through the same. And I am glad that I was there for him.

People have different ways of dealing with a broken heart. And how long the healing process will be depends on that. But the bottomline is, a listening ear who knows exactly how a broken-hearted person feels can aid in the process.

Oh well, the love doctor in me. :p

Thrilled

Funny how at times you get to be that high school girl who goes crushing. Me and my officemate had this moment yesterday when an unexpected colleague from Makati arrived. He is not super handsome but suffice to say that "pwede na". Hahaha. And since we don't get to have those many moments in the office anymore and because of the pressures, we gave our attention to him. And the match making process began. I know it was just for fun and I don't take it seriously and that guy is attached. I just love the fact that I can still go crushing, I am not numb after all. And I am still capable of fun.

I just pray that there will be many more moments like yesterday. I mean, it's different when you work with a smile on your face. :)

Empty Chairs and Empty Tables

When I first heard this song, it somehow gave a heavy feeling because it speaks of grief. It must have been  so hard for that character to be the only one alive while all the rest of his comrades are dead. I don't know if there are cases like this today but I'm sure somewhere, someone in the world right now is grieving. I don't know if I grieve but I know there are feelings that can't be spoken and there's a pain that goes on and on.

I don't want to dwell on that though. I'd like to think that I don't allow my emotions to rule me anymore. Yes, I suppress them but at least I can still find my release. Today, I officially started hitting the gym. And it's fun to do it with friends. I had fun. And for sure the next days will be more fun. Doing this breaks the monotony of my life and makes me appreciate more what I have and makes me look forward to what's to come.

Today, I became a friend to someone who needed one. Even if I am away and we didn't see each other, I am glad that I was able to help and be the listening ear. Moments like this makes me appreciate more the person that I am. I am not perfect but I am glad that I can be there for those who needs me.

Empty chairs and empty tables, this pain will not be forever.

Free Writing at The Airport

This is my first plane ride for 2013. I can say that I am excited because finally I can get away from client pressures in CDO. Though I know what will welcome me in Cebu are another set of pressures, it's ok. At least there I have others who can share the pressure. I won't be all alone.

But if you asked me if I am excited like it's my first time to ride a plane? I am not. Perhaps I already got used to it that I don't get excited anymore. What will excite me is the thought that the plane ride will lead me to that person  but that's not going to happen. And I already have accepted that fact. There will be no plane rides that will lead me to him and there will be no plane rides that will lead him to me. And it is time that I let go. And I am starting the process. Though I am not quite sure that I am doing it right. I am suppressing a lot of emotions that could lead me to exploding anytime soon. But baby steps, baby steps. I will get there.

What I should look forward to are the plane rides that will get me to my destined destination. And I should prepare myself for that moment.

When Laziness Strike

IT's not a workday but I have work. And I don't want to go to work because my body is dead tired. My brain is dead tired from all the work since the year started. I badly need to rest but then again I can't. Though I'll always have a choice, I chose to work still because others depend on it. I don't want to let them down because I don't want to be let down too.

I admit I am lazy. And in my laziest days funny how I can still be productive. Ironic isn't it? Perhaps I cannot not do anything. It somehow feels wrong.

I am quite amazed how my brain works when I decide to be lazy. It can give me the solution to some report formula problems I have. Maybe my brain refuses to work when I force it to work. That's why it gives me the answer when I just chill. Though this may not always be the case, I am just amazed.

Well, I just hope that in my laziest days my brain would also give the answers to personal questions that I cannot answer on ordinary days. Yeah, my mind is still hazy when it comes to certain issues I have.