taming ivy

It took me 2hrs to compose an email. I asked 3 people to review it prior sending. It was critical. I want to put some sense to people without being offensive and I don't want to be an added burden to my boss. It was, per feedback, very maldita. I reconstructed it and became more acceptable.

Though I already anticipated a negative respond, it was just unbelievable. I don't know if I am just exaggerating because I'm too pissed. But I became more disappointed than pacified with the response. I told my boss that I wouldnt respond until I was able to cool down. Good thing my boss understood. He was the one who responded instead.

It actually is an unnecessary burden for me right now. I have so many things to do.

This is just so unfortunate. I really don't want my bad side triggered, esp if I have stretched my patience to the maximum level. It's difficult to tame myself. And I cannot afford to focus my energy on that. Id rather focus on the betterment of the BACs and the projects.

Oh well.

Very Low

As a lead, I learned that I should be careful with facebook posts esp if it is related to work. I was reprimanded several times by Jr. Though I firmly believe that I should be free to post whatever I want, I discipline myself not to. Focus nalang sa gugma post. Sometimes though unintentionally, I rant esp if I get too tired.

But I did not expect for people to be very low and report me to my boss of a specific post na sila daw ginapadungog dungog. My first question was, which post? I reviewed my timeline and there was nothing there referring to those people. Ana sila ka guilty?

To really hit me that low? Wow. Just wow. Unbelievable people.

Now they are requesting heaven and earth for a specific project just to clean their mess. Why would my team suffer for the mistake they make? Can't they just admit that they made a mistake and move forward? This is too tiring already. I have other things to do.

the heirs

When it comes to watching series, I have this habit of doing marathon. I don't have patience of waiting for the next free day for the next episode. Though it is impossible most of the time to finish in one sitting, I try to finish the soonest possible. I don't want to be left hanging. And so this weekend, I finished the heirs.  It's a koreanovela about young love that initially cannot be because of circumstances. I'm amazed at how I can still be moved by stories as such. For some parts of the series, I actually did cry. I thought I am already past that cry baby stage. There is nothing with it though. I'm just amazed at myself. Hahaha

At around ep 17, I took a break and checked my blogger. And was surprised to see a new entry on a friend's blog. I got excited actually. It's been a while since his last post. I was bothered after reading his post. That I texted him after not minding that it was almost midnight. I'm worried up to now but I guess he doesn't want to talk . He didn't respond to my message earlier.

I felt his frustration. For him to consider breaking a rule, something bad must have happened. I went through the same.

He mentioned something that I told my boss weeks ago. I told my boss to allow me to charge activities related to evaluating existing processes, if it still works or if it really worked in the first place. At least now, I have a lot of references already.

I remember when I transferred to Cebu last year,  there were so many things that needed fixing. It was tough. As much as we wanted to cover everything, there were limitations. We had to prioritize and we had to make do of what we had. I can say that there were improvements. Especially if you talk about working as a team. Fast track to today, something must have happened along the way that somehow made almost everything to not fall in its proper place. And I feel like it's all in my shoulders.

I am all for change, esp. if it brings good for everyone. If I am to borrow LAL's words,  if we want different results then let's do away with status quo.

I have so many things in mind to put everything to order again. To achieve better results and most importantly for the team to find value in what they are doing. For them to see and feel the worth of their function and the personal benefit they get. It saddens me to actually hear just one person say that she loves her job. And that person is leaving. The irony.

I know I am not in my best shape right now. But regardless of my personal issues, I know I have a responsibility to the team. I cannot fail them. But I cannot do it alone. Someone has to compliment my weakness, if we are to achieve the goals we have set and more.  Fortunately, there's someone who can help me with that. We had an initial discussion last week. Though we don't agree in most points as our style and personality differs, we have the same end goal. And we make each other understand and see the value of our points. I can't wait for his return.

The change we made last year is the status quo of today. So it is time for something new.

I am excited for the end result.

just a dream for now

I want to take a break. I want to travel. But I cannot afford for now.

How nice it would be if i can take days off and just enjoy at another place.

Medical Procedures

I had my Annual Physical Exam this morning. I forced myself to go because it's a requirement. I really do hate check-ups, esp if there is a blood extraction or any procedure that requires needle after. I have a high tolerance for pain. I just don't like needles. Hahaha

Anyway, typical of any packaged and company sponsored PE, they just provide the standard. If there is nothing wrong, then that's it. When you judge me by my weight, you'd say I am really unhealthy. But I don't usually get sick. So often, test results for the packaged tests won't show anything wrong. I don't know what came to me, but I had the courage to ask the doctor if I there are tests I can take to check other possible illnesses. Since my father was just recently diagnosed with Cancer. And so, my doctor recommended that I do have endoscopy and colonoscopy. Hahaha Imagine my reaction after. I kind of expected the recommendation but when it was said, I was like a child about to be vaccinated. I wanted to run. I told the doctor if I could just have blood tests. She just laughed.

Anyway, that's it. I need to go back to the doctor and schedule those procedures. I won't feel any pain because I would be sedated. I want to go home for this. I need to have some company when I undergo this process. What if they see something like what happened to Papa? Who would the doctor call and talk to? Waaahhhhh

I'm positive that they won't see anything. Hahahah I'm just being a kid with this one. I need my papa and mama.

Rain Check

This is a tumblr entry from two years ago:

Rain Check

It all started with a question of why I chose a picture as my profile pic in Facebook, then it ended up with him saying that if I like it then it will work. It was just a typical conversation but it was the push I needed. It answered why don’t I write anymore, why am I in my current state, and why can’t i move forward. Ikaw ba naman ingnan og you should know. Yeah, I should know.

I never really wanted to leave teaching nor leave Cagayan de Oro. The decision to leave was based on all the wrong reasons. Simply put, I just wanted to escape. I was so hurt and I felt so empty that I thought I would be unfair to the institution and specially to my students  if they had a teacher that was so lost. I was unfair to my parents though, l didn’t give them the chance to prepare. Mura lang ko nananghid magmall. Two years after, I can’t say that I didn’t regret my decision but I am standing by my decision. After all. the damage has been done. I miss teaching big time. And even at 27, I’d rather stay with my parents than live in boarding houses somewhere else. 

—

WHY DON’T I WRITE ANYMORE?

Or make that, why can’t I write anymore? 

I am not a writer really. I am not the grammar or vocabulary savvy person. But I used to have journals. I can express myself better in writing. But for the past two years, I seem to have lost my touch. I tried to write. I would buy nice pens and notebooks (a week ago I just bought one) so I would be inclined to write but I can’t even consume five pages. And it would take me longer than the usual to finish something. I even attempted to maintain a blog or blogs but I end up forgetting that I have one. Even that blog intended for one person. Someone had to remind me that it was still up. 

And the answer to the question is,  I wasn’t inspired. My muse bailed out on me when I made that drastic change. Or rather, I completely blocked my muse’s dusts. I created a shield so inspiration wouldn’t hit me. WHY? Because I got tired of pouring out everything yet ending up being judged and not understood.

Crazy, right? Yeah, I am that crazy.

WHY AM I IN MY CURRENT STATE?

I am at my “unhealthiest”. I gained more than ten kilos in two years.  I attribute it mostly to the kind of work I have. It does not allow me to move much and it cause me to binge (on food) because of so much stress and pressure. I can’t say that I don’t have the time for exercise. I can if I want to. But I chose not to. Though once in a while I run or take long walks, I wasn’t consistent. I’d rather lie down or sit just browsing or watching movies. 

And the answer to the question is, I was so consumed with being alone. I embraced it so much that I didn’t want to break the routine of home-office-home or lie-sit-lie. I didn’t realize it but Davao was such a sad place for me. I didn’t have friends (except for my officemates). But I can’t go out much with them because they have kids or other things to attend to. I am used to being surrounded with a lot of people and of noise. I am used to going home late not because of work but because of laag. Laagan kaayo kaha ko. And it all abruptly stopped when I was in Davao.

WHY CAN’T I MOVE FORWARD?

This is vague. But actually I am moving forward with my life. It’s just that I am moving in all directions that I end up still in place. I am sort of tied up that even if I wanted to let go, I can’t. Not just yet. I have to finish the commitments I made.

—

I am in no better position than I was two years ago. I am still hurt and I still feel so empty. But I guess the past two years taught me enough to not escape this time. Even if I am very much tempted to. I am not the wisest person in the world and surely I am not that full of wisdom. But I guess I am mature enough to know that I can’t just go on running away if things goes out of hand or if things are too painful to bear.

Yes, it hurts me when I am made fun of because I’m fat or because I am still single. I can laugh with all the jokes but sometimes it is just too much. It hurts me when people deliberately lie to me. It hurts when people abuse my goodness, esp by those I consider friends. Though I can’t totally blame them because I allow them to. But I wish people should learn when to stop. 

Yes, I really want to quit my job. Not because I don’t like it but because I feel like I am abused. I am good with what I do. And I do finish my job despite my rantings.   But all of my efforts are unrecognized. I am not quitting though. I signed up for this and I will honor what I signed up for.

Yes, the person who told me that I should know all these is the same person who caused me to run away. And no, I don’t blame him. He didn’t do anything. I was just so stubborn and unreasonable that time.

Yes, I loved that person. And I love him still. But no, there’s no more fantasy of having a fairy tale ending. 

Yes, I love myself more now. And I have a renewed self-esteem and self-respect. 

I may have taken rain checks before for the things I should have done but was so lazy, so afraid, so uninspired to do but I will do them now. Not "tomorrow?" as what my friend jested earlier on my remark sagdi lang maniwang lang jud ko, because all will go through a process. And this is a start.

stupid

My friend wouldn't tell me what's goind on with her because she finds it stupid. I had a hunch on what it was but i still prayed that my hunch would be wrong. But sad to say I was right after all. It just took me 2 bottles of t-ice to throw that question I didn't dare ask.
It has been an unspoken rule between us. We don't talk about the love of her life as it had been a source of misunderstanding lately.
I feel my friend's pain. And I don't like seeing her in her current state of brokenness. There was a point that I intentionally stayed away because I couldn't take the things she's doing. She's in love but she is so broken. It has been going on for so long that it isn't good anymore.
I can't do anything about it as it is her choice. She don't talk to me about it anymore because she's protecting the other party. And even if I don't do anything, I usually take the blame if that other party feels down. As if it was my doing.
I should understand. As I also have been through unrequited love. It is not an easy process. I am just thankful that I was strong enough to handle the pain without destroying myself. And I am thankful also that those people I love helped. They kept their distance long enough to allow that initial step to moving on. But didn't leave me as I have asked them to.
But for my friend's case, I refuse to understand. Though technically, all the burden and pain is carried by the one loving, the one who is loved should take action too esp if they are friends in the first place.
Anyway, no amount of justification or explanation would make my friend understand my point. We'll just go through the same cycle of hurting, drinking, crying. Our other friends even kid earlier that we'll still have the same session a few years from now, and my friend will still cry and talk about the love that just can't be.

I sincerely pray that she'll get over the love as soon as possible. She has a great future ahead of her. She's smart, talented, driven, and certainly has lots of potential. I don't want her to get too broken that it would be hard to put the pieces back together.

Hopefully, she'll see the light that will make her realize life's beauty despite not getting the love of that other person.

Oh well.

Programming

I'm always looking forward to new learning. I am lazy in terms of physical exercise but I'm never lazy for mental. And I am glad that this opportunity to learn was opened. I have something to look forward to this November.

Coming Soon... Java and VB.Net.

Aja, Byang!

Walis-Walis

Ang saya lang ng naging laro kagabi. Ang dami kong tawa. Ang pinapahulaan ay Waling-Waling, eh hindi kilala ni Jackson kung ano yan. Hahaha Ang ginawa, sounds like walis... Kaya naging walis-walis. Hahahah Buti nalang naisip ko yun.

Ang sarap lang sa pakiramdam ang tumawa. Sana ganun nalang palagi. Sana may mga bagay na makakapagpatawa sa akin. Mababaw lang naman kaligayahan ko eh. Madali lang naman sana. Desisyon mo naman yun na maging masaya. Di lang talaga maiiwasan minsan na umasa ka na maging masaya ng dahil sa ibang tao o dahil sa ibang bagay. 

Kung kilala mo ang sarili mo, alam na alam mo yung mga bagay na yun o kilalang kilala mo yung mga taong yun. Masaya ako kapag nakakausap ko mga magulang ko. Masaya ako kapag nakikipagbiruan ako sa mga kaibigan ko. Masaya ako kapag nakakalaro ko mga aso ko. Masaya ako kapag nakakabasa ako ng magandang libro o artikulo. Pero may isang bagay na nakakapagpasaya sa akin na nakukuha ko lang sa piling tao. Nagdudulot sa akin ng kaligayan na makipag usap sa tao na kaya akong barahin. Na kayang ipakita ang mali sa pinapaniwalaan ko. Na kayang sabihing mali ako. At kadalasan nakukutya ako dahil sa mga taong ito. Kasi binibigyan ng kulay kung bakit gustong gusto ko ang mga taong ito. Pero hinahayan ko na. Minsan siguro talaga sa buhay, hindi natin maiintidihan kung bakit ginagawa ng tao ang isang bagay. Pero wala din tayong karapatan na husgahan. Eh sa kung yun ang kaligayahan nila.

Ang gulo lang ng pinagsasabi ko no? 

Ganito lang talaga nais kong sabihin. Gusto ko maging masaya. At kahit na hindi ito ang pinakamagandang sitwasyon para sa akin, pinipili ko maging masaya. At kumakapit ako dun sa mga bagay na nakakapagpasaya sa akin. Alam ko mawawala yung mga bagay na yun, pero habang andito pa, bakit ko bibitawan? Wala namang masama sa ginagawa ko. Hindi naman ako nang-aapak ng ibang tao. 

Na-Offend Ba Ako?

Palagi nating naririnig na sinasabi na bawal mag-assume sa anumang bagay. Madalas kasi ito ang nagdudulot ng misunderstanding at sama ng loob. Nung college nga, ang no.1 rule sa exam ay "never assume unless otherwise stated". Pero sa buhay siguro ng tao, hindi maiwasan na maging pasaway kung minsan. Kahit ano pang pilit natin na ilagay sa ating kokote na huwag mag-assume, ginagawa pa rin natin. Lalo na pagdating sa pag-ibig. Dahil sa kagustuhan natin na kiligin at madama na mahal din tayo ng taong napupusuan natin, binibigyan na natin ng kahulogan kahit anong bagay na gawin nila. Kahit pa nasasaktan tayo sa huli. Kahit sa trabaho. Siguro napapraning ang mga tao pag alam nila na may kapalpakan silang ginawa. O siguro hindi nila kaya maging humble enough na tanggapin na nagkamali sila. Kaya binibigyan ng kahulugan ang ginagawa ng iba, kahit wala naman.

 Noong nagsisimula palang ako sa mga crush crush na yan, aaminin ko na napakahilig ko bigyan ng kahulugan ang lahat. Lalo na nung una kong na feel na nainlove ako. May tumutugma naman. Ngunit yun yung mga bagay na masakit. At kahit after almost 10 yrs ko na nalaman, tama pala talaga ako. Hahaha nakakatawa. Buti nalang andun na ako sa point na pwede ko na tawanan ang lahat. At oo, natuto na ako. Naging maingat na ako. Kahit pa lahat ng nasa paligid ko ang nag aassume og nagbibigay kahulogan sa lahat ng nangyayari, hindi ako. Iwas na ako sa trouble. Hahaha Pero siguro sadya lang akong matalino (pasensya at nagbuhat ako ng sariling bangko). May pagkakataon na pag feel ko na mag assume, tama naman. Yun nga lang, mga masasakit na bagay ang napi-feel ko. Nakaka-offend pa nga kadalasan. Pero hindi ko pinipiling ma-offend. Mas pinipili ko na umintindi. 

Lalo na ngayon sa trabaho. May mga tao na ang hilig mag side comment. Kahit hindi ka pa mag assume, alam mo na ikaw ang pinaparinggan. At kahit ginagawa mo lang ang trabaho mo, pinepersonal ka pa din ng ibang tao. Nakakainis na minsan, dapat mo nalang intindihin. Kahit hindi ikaw ang may kasalanan, ikaw dapat ang mag sorry kasi ikaw ang mas nakakaintindi. Pero sana nga lang dumating ang panahon na yung mga taong hindi deserve ang respect mo pero nirerespeto mo pa din, ay matutong pahalagahan ang respect na yun. At sana maisip nila na hindi naman masama umamin ng kamalian. Lahat naman nagkakamali. 

Masubukan Nga

Nagsusulat ako para ma-improve ang aking writing skills (na feeling ko meron naman ako). Pero ang palagi kong ginagamitna medium ay English. Simula palang kasi elementary, pina feel na sa akin ng buong mundo na hindi ako magaling dito. At tinatanggap ko naman ang katotohanan. Kaya nga hanggang ngayon pinagpapatuloy ko, para mapabuti ko pa at mas matuto pa ako. Pero nung isang araw, meron akong nakitang blog post na tagalog. At dahil dun na inspire ako na subukan. Bakit hindi, di ba?

Lumaki ako na palaging nagtatagalog ang Papa ko pero aminado ako na kailanman hindi ako naging komportable sa wikang ito. Parang nawawala lahat ng confidence ko kapag nagtatagalog ako. Kailanman ay hindi ako naging matatas sa pagsasalita. 

At dahil nakatunganga lang ako buong araw,  ayaw kong lumabas kasi medyo hindi maganda ang panahon, biglang sumagi sa isip ko na bakit hindi ko subukan na magsulat ng tagalog. Siguro matatanggap naman ng kung sino man ang makakabasa kung hindi ko man makuha ng tama ang rules sa pagsusulat. Hindi ko na din naman iniisip ang grammar kahit English sinusulat ko eh. Haha

So masubukan nga. Ang susunod na iilang post ay magtatagalog ako. Mejo marami rami yun, lalo na at gusto ng sumabog nitong dibdib ko at ng utak ko sa dami ng emosyon nakatago at sa madaming bagay na tumatakbo sa isipan ko.

Simulan na to!

comfort zone

"Why can't I leave this comfort zone when I am no longer happy?"

I was asked this question and the immediate answer I gave was, "proper timing". I honestly don't know why I said that. Perhaps it is an image of an inner struggle. A battle of the different voices inside me. It could be a clash of different emotions or the lack of it. I really don't know. But what I do know is that I am not as effective with my work as I used to. I simply give in to any mediocre idea presented to me. That drive for excellence is currently at a flat line.

I got fed up actually. I know I cannot choose the people I work with. I know that I cannot make everyone understand the way I think and the way I do things. Same as I don't readily understand others'. But I always keep an open mind. But when you work with closed-minded people. And you always give way out of respect, you eventually  reach a saturation point. And I've reached mine. In respecting others too much, I'm neglecting my self - respect. And I know I cannot make this as enough reason to quit.

I'm not in my comfort zone yet. I still have so much to learn. There is still a lot of room to grow. It is not yet my proper timing to leave.

And though I am not currently happy, I know I still can turn this around.

To the person who asked me the question, I pray that she can turn her situation around and fine the proper timing.

To the person who is a stressor, proud, entitled(!?), doesn't know real respect but demands it, I pray that she be humbled and see the effect of her actions.


I pray.

Someone is getting on my nerves

khafkjshkfjhasljhgfuoqgfjasflkjashfljkasgfjgasljfgouy34gfljasgfjgfjsjgfjasgfjasf3fugjfgjsagfjasg!

I Will Never Pursue You

Paolo sent me a link of a blog entry with the same title. I had to read it several times even if I already got the point the first time. I can't help but smile. My friends know that I have a different stand. I really do pursue someone If I like him. I'm always tempted by the pawns. And yeah, these are the weakest. My status right now is a very big proof.  I don't regret though. Those are of the past already and I learned from all the crazy things I did.

I cannot say that I will never ever pursue someone anymore. But I do pray for that someone.

Oh well, in His time.

alarm clock

I need a human alarm clock. Seriously.