Movie over me

I know my reasoning can be so twisted at times but that I think it's a little less twisted this time. I'm not the gf so I don't have the right to get mad. But that act, in this kind of set-up, can really trigger that fear monster inside. It's really very petty, if you come to think of it but then again not.

Perhaps it's a function of how he got used to things. Oh well. I'm disappointed. I'm saddened. Can this really work?

Is It Possible

Could you possibly develop liking for someone you haven't even met? Is it defying the norms if you do? Or is it already acceptable because of technology?

I am known to always defy the norms. I am not your typical conservative girl. Yes, there's still a manang in me but there are things (perhaps because of societal influence) that I don't particularly live by.

I raised those questions because my mind and my heart is in a constant battle lately. You see, the love story that could possibly unfold is not what I have imagined mine to be. Well, I didn't have a love story that followed my fantasy. But this time, it's very very different. Imagine someone claiming to love you despite not seeing you except for all the pictures you have in FB. Imagine someone planning out a future with you despite not having even spent a single second with you. All the things he knows about you are the things someone told him about you. And all the things you've fed him in all your conversations. Could it be true? Could the love be possible?

My mind says no and I have all the reasons. But my heart is inclined to believe, that it's possible. 

I don't love him. Not yet. But I am keeping my heart open to all that he can possibly give. In time maybe. In time I can reciprocate. Let's see. It's midyear already. It'd be December soon.

Naniniwala Ako

There are times that you get so emotional over things that you really shouldn't be. There are moments that you get so afraid over things that you really shouldn't be afraid of. There are instances that you cry over things that, well, there's really no point of crying over. And I am in that state right now. I'm writing so that suffices as an explanation.

I'm not sure why I am going through this now. Perhaps, there are just so many unresolve things in my head. Crazy. I am usually like this when in love or brokenhearted. But I'm neither.

Crazy times.

Day 2 - When Being Single Really Sucked

There were so many instances that being single really sucked. But instead of enumerating those, I'll focus on the now. Probably this moment would qualify as such. I think I can also couple that with when being an only child sucked.

I can take being questioned why am I single. I can also take thirdwheeling. But what I cannot take at most times is not having someone to take care of me when I'm so vulnerable. When I am the one who needs caring too.

I need some taking care right now. To at least help ease the burden I am carrying and to help ease my worries.

Oh well.

Day 1 - Why Am I Still Single?

Your response to everyone’s favorite question: “And why are YOU still single?”

Haha. I've been asked this question several times. I remember writing a related post. I admit getting pissed at some point. But as years went by I learned to just smile and be cool with it.

I really don't know the answer. All I know is that I still wait for that moment when I can finally be with that person I am meant to be with. It is not an easy journey. It wasn't. I had moments when I thought I was with the right person. It may not be an official relationship, but it was an almost. I had my world revolve around those people. I think I might even pursued some. But in the process, I was hurt. I was afraid. I might even have rejected those who showed interest.

And now, I'm back to that moment of waiting. The difference now is that I can somehow reason with myself. I remember almost exactly a year ago, I was in an almost relationship. It didn't progress. Somehow the person had other priorities. And until now, he still has other priorities. Perhaps that's the reason. It all boils down to me wanting to be with him when he clearly doesn't want to be with me. 

I try to fight that feeling. I do. I get affected everytime I am teased. I get pissed actually. Because it brings back feelings that I have clearly haven't moved on from. And I am trying. I'm trying really hard. I am not exactly sure how I am doing it but I do try.

Back to the question om why am I still single, again I don't know. All I know is I don't want having those pity eyes on me. Those words that would tell me how in a pitiful state I am because at this age, I am still single. It's not helping. 

I pray though that there will come a time that those who tease me and pity me because I am still single, wouldn't anymore. Yes, I can reason with myself more now. But there are times that I get so vulnerable. And this is one of those times. 

30-Day Blogging Challenge

I got inspired with Mandy Hale's blog (thesinglewoman.net) that I decided to accept the blogging challenge.

I wouldn't claim that I am a very good writer but I love to write. I would admit that I express myself best through writing. So I will give this a try. Who knows, at the end of this challenge I would have a deeper self awareness.

Here are the topics.

The Single Woman’s 30-Day Blogging Challenge

1)      Your response to everyone’s favorite question: “And why are YOU still single?”

2)      Describe a moment or a day when being single really sucked.

3)      Describe a moment or a day when being single was really awesome.

4)      Your biggest fear as a single person.

5)      The biggest misconception you think people have about single life

6)      Sound off on the quote “Every woman has the exact love life she wants”

7)      Where you are in your life vs. where you thought you would be at this point

8)      Five things that are most important to you in a future mate

9)      Your favorite “weird/funny single behavior” – Anything you do that is uniquely YOU and that living alone allows you to do (For example, I sometimes dance around the house with my cat to Frank Sinatra)

10)   Google the meaning of your name and talk about how it fits or doesn’t fit you

11)   Your worst/funniest/most embarrassing date

12)   Your proudest accomplishment

13)   Describe how you met the last person you texted and talk about your friendship/relationship

14)   Describe the last moment you felt really, truly blissful

15)   Narrate a conversation between you and someone in your life who you never had closure with (a friend, an ex, a family member, etc.) What would you say? What would they say? What outcome would you hope for?

16)   If you planted a time capsule right now of your life to be opened in 20 years, what would be in it?

17)   What are your spiritual beliefs and how do they impact your relationships/relationship status?

18)   If you could have a conversation with yourself in high school, what would you say?

19)   What is something about you that people would be surprised to learn?

20)   Describe your most difficult breakup and what you learned from it

21)   How would you pitch a reality show about yourself? To what network?

22)   What fictional character in a movie, tv show, or book do you identify with and why?

23)   Talk about a moment when you got annoyed with a married friend, a person in a relationship, or a person with kids (Be honest! No judgment!)

24)   If you could relive ONE day of your life, what would it be? And would you change anything?

25)   Describe a moment when you “paid it forward.” What happened and how did it feel?

26)   Name a song that makes you cry every time you hear it and why

27)   Talk about something that you really, really, really love about yourself.

28)   Describe a moment when you made a big, bold move. In any area of life: Career, Love, etc.

29)   Who is your closest or most special friend that you’ve never met and what do they mean to you? How did you cross paths? Talk about how you “met” them: Facebook, Twitter, an online support group, etc.

30)   Write a letter to your future mate saying whatever you want to say

I'm excited. 

That Bitter Pill

In a phone conversation, Sir Chris made me cry. He threw several questions at me and it felt so heavy that I cried. As I was processing the questions and trying to come up with answers, I knew that I was at fault. And that truth is a bitter pill to swallow but necessary.

And though I am not saying that I am totally ok already, I made some realizations while reading a book, having my lunch, at that place where I got my heart crushed almost a year ago. It's hard for people to understand why I still haven't totally moved on from that. From time to time, I joke about it when I am teased. And I would think that I am already over. For the several times that I declared I've moved on, I was wrong. And the circumstance that we are in, is one of the reason. But moreso, I guess, is because of who I am when I choose to love a person.

We work in the same company. And though we might not be in the same office, I would get to work with him. Whether it be in person or thru email or phone calls. From that conversation, I knew I did a lot of crazy stuff. I did even asked for a second chance. But he was firm. The saying that when a guy says he don't like you, he means it, applies to him. To be fair to him, he didn't give me any reason to believe that there's still a chance. It was me who held on. And I am still holding on even if there's nothing to hold on to anymore.

I held on. I caused my own heartache. I always expected that at least I would still be special to him. That he would still care. If I am special or if he cares, I wouldn't know. He doesn't seem to show interest to spend time or talk when we get to be together. And it hurts because, he shows that interest to others. He didn't call me on my birthday but he called and greeted someone else in front of me.

But then again, I don't have the right to expect anything. We're not lovers and I am not sure where we are with our friendship. Perhaps, he doesn't trust me anymore. And it's on me. I wasn't very careful.

So it is all self inflicted. But I am not saying that it was that the whole time. From time to time, I get to get it off my mind. I was ok with the situation. But since it was something that I juts hid somewhere deep within, there are triggers that would cause it to resurface. And this is one of those.

I am under great stress and I lack rest. There are a lot of things going on and the pressure's so high and I am barely coping. And then there's this opportunity to be with him. I was hoping to find comfort in being with his company. But it didn't happen. No how are you's . No dinner. No lunch. No time spent together. And very short interactions. And it was all about work. And so it all piled up. I felt so down and I didn't care if I was so gaga during our videoke session.

I loved him and I love him still. I feel that we are so different in so many ways. But my heart chose to love him. I chose to love him. And I stand by that choice. But yes, I've got to move on. And that I will do. How? I need another cup of green tea to think of that. :p

Seriously. I need to stop getting jealous. Meaning, I need to stop thinking and believing that I am at all important to him in whatever aspect. I need to see that because that is what he consistently show. I don't need to be rejected all the time. I need to learn to brush off the teasing and the questions. I need to stop seeking for his approval. If there is one thing I realized today, it's that, unknowingly, I wanted him to believe in me and in what I do. I wanted him to rally behind me. But it isn't the case. And I get disappointed every time. And it is wrong. I don't need his nod to believe that I can do what I am ought to do.

This wouldn't be an easy process. I would have my ups and downs. I may stray along the way. I would need help. But I know, in the end, everything will be just fine. I would be stronger. I may love him still but the longing wouldn't be there anymore. If he suddenly change his mind? I'll cross it when we're there.

I might just start a diary as suggested by Bianca Gonzales-Intal in her book Paano Ba To. A diary to mend the heart until the entries would be happier stories of moving on outcome.

struggle

Yes, it's an everyday struggle. Everyday, I fight the urge to think of you. Everyday, I fight that feeling of longing. How long has it been? I shouldn't be feeling this anymore. But I still do. So imagine the struggle when I am in a close proximity with you. When you have all the power to make me feel rejected and unwanted. Imagine how painful it is when you constantly make me feel that you don't care if I am here. And here I am, hoping that at least you'll show interest to spend time. 

Bullshit. Crazy. Funny. 

Yes, i love you. I still do. And if I am asked why, I don't know. 

Gosh. 

crazy beautiful you

Last night, Alven and I watched this KathNiel movie. Perhaps, you can call it a typical Pinoy movie, rich kid with family drama. With a poor kid who would become the hero to save the day. Then insert the love story. Haha

The movie was nice. And to prove that I liked it, I declared myself a Kathniel fan. Lol

I have several take away from the movie. I just cant properly articulate them. What stick to mind though was the choices we make. Especially at a point when we are so distressed. We can opt to be selfish or we can opt to consider others.

I don't deny that I am very very stressed right now. I am at a point that my mind can't work properly because it is simply tired. My body is also tired. And it is a challenge because there are decisions I need to make but I cannot make these decisions with an unhealthy disposition.

I pray for a restful sleep tonight. I need to be early tomorrow. I have several unaccomplished deliverables.

Love Life

Funny how in a span of 2 days you were ask of a question with a simple answer of None but you had to expound. Haha I hope I got the sentence right.

My highschool barkada, Kookie, asked for an update regarding each of the barkada's love life. You see, even with technology, we don't get to update each other often. Esp that most already have kids/family to attend to. Only Kookie and I are single and don't have a kid. Anyway, with all the updates, we kept on laughing with the realizations. 1. We don't expose ourselves to meet new people. 2. We keep ourselves blinded by the ideals. 3. High standards? :) 4. Not so smart prayers. Haha seriously though, we might talk/act like we were still in highschool but we do pray that we find the man who's meant for us. 3 friends are already married. 3 are heading down that road. 3 have kids and praying also for partners. And 2 who are in search. :)

I had the same convo with Jasmine. One of my closest friend in college. She texted me to prepare my boyfriend because she wants to meet him. Haha She's in Cebu for a work trip and we haven't seen each other for 3 years. The last fb conversation I had with her was about Prince, so she thought it made progress. Haha Jas got married 5 yrs ago and is blessed with 2 kids. She knows my past heartaches that's why she is excited about my love life.

So what about my love life? I honestly am praying for someone to come. Someone who'll make me feel loved and cared for. I know my parents are looking forward to it also. I guess all those who knows me are looking forward to it.

I pray for a good person, tidy, clean, smells good. Someone who is not intimated by me. Someone who is an established person who can provide for himself and his future family. Someone who knows himself and is confident and proud of what he has achieved. Someone who has a relationship with the Lord. Someone who is good to his family. Someone who can influence me to be healthy. Good looks is just a bonus. Not too young, not too old. :)  I pray for him to come before I turn 31. :D

Gone Too Soon

Most of our batch mates in high school were surprised to learn re the passing of a batch mate, Sorene. Me and my barkada even can't get over the news. We may not be that close to her, but in one way or another she touched our lives.

I don't remember if we became classmates in highschool. Though we were just a small community so we would know almost everyone. I remember her to be one of the more popular kids in school. Smart, talented, pretty, friendly, and she has that distinct voice and a beautiful smile. 

Gone too soon. From what I learned, it was only October of last year that she knew that she had cancer. She fought a good fight and judging from her posts, she didn't lose hope. And being true to the person that she is, she showed so much positivity that you wouldn't know she's going through something. Judging from her friends' posts, she was even the one giving them words of encouragement.

For the past days, I kept on browsing posts about her. And from time to time, me and my friends would have a fb group chat about it. I cannot explain why the browsing. Perhaps, I am trying to get the positivity also from what had happened. I never am the very positive person. It's a constant struggle for me and I keep on working on it. 

Gone too soon. That's what happened to her. But with the kind of person that she is, I believed that she lived a full life. We're just the same age. Me and my fishes friends reminded each other to take care of our health. But more importantly we reminded each other to make the most out of the life and the time we are given here. 

Admittedly, I have a challenge with that right now. I am so overwhelmed with work and the responsibilities that I have plus family concerns, that everything is taking its toll. I'm getting sick and I don't get enough rest. I can't even keep a good smile on my face. I cannot complain. I cannot talk about it to people. I am being careful. I don't want to pass on too much negativity. I don't want to pass on my baggages. 

But yes, I can only take as much. I am lifting everything to you, Lord. I am not yet ready to leave this earth.

that thing called tadhana

I intended to write about the movie. However, it is quite delayed already. I somehow forgot what I was to write about the movie. All I remember is how I gushed over JM. Haha Or maybe I can write about it as I continue with this post.

It's Valentine's day! I remember to have celebrated this last year with a heavy heart. Not because I was heart broken but something bad happened with work. That is something I cannot forget.

This year it's different. I celebrated it with a semi heavy heart. Again, not because I am broken hearted. But because Papa is sick. Fortunately, he is out of the hospital. Quite heavy because I would leave again tomorrow. I'm grateful though that at least we got to celebrate at home over simple dinner with matching heart shaped cake.

While I was walking my dogs earlier, I got to thinking. 6 or 7 years ago, everytime Valentines come I become so giddy. That hopeless romantic in me would always fantasize a lovely surprise that would sweep me off my feet. The only real Valentines date I had was with Charlie 5 yrs ago. No gifts nor flowers just movie, dinner, and videoke. Though it didn't mean anything special, I'm happy that I experienced that. 

Fast track to years after that, I became less excited . To the point that I don't look forward to it. Perhaps, I just grew older that's why. It is just another ordinary day. But if I really come to think of it. It shouldn't be just like any other days. 

Love should always be celebrated. Everyday should always be looked forward to. 

I don't know where I am going with what I am writing. What I simply want to say is, I have come to a point that I am no longer bitter because I don't have a date nor did I receive flowers or chocolates. But I am hopeful that one day my story will unfold. 

presentations

I'm never really good at preparing visuals for presentation. I can talk and talk but you cannot expect me to have a nice visuals to couple it with. And i have that challenge right now. I cannot make a mediocre visuals because it will become a benchmark for those who will be presenting after me. 

I badly need my muse right now. I need to finish my visuals today. 

Someday

It's that season again. Not because it's February but because I feel a lot of pressures right now and the process of weighing a lot of things, hearing a lot of things, the feeling of rejection, and all is really taking its toll on me. But then of course I am such good an artist that it doesn't show. 

Sometimes I want to explode but of course I can't. I signed up for this and I should stand by what I signed up for. 

Oh well. Someday. Someday.

saturday

Last Saturday was my kind of Saturday. I woke up late. Ate late. Then had a movie marathon until past midnight. I am much of a home buddy that I really enjoy staycation. Though it doesn't do me any good most of the time because it does not allow me to move much. Thus, I get bigger.

I opted for that kind of day because I needed to rest. I was sick. I wasn't allowed to rest immediately after an out of town trip because almost everyone at the office got sick and I had a lot of things to finish ( at the office). In fairness, I'm consistent in not bringing work at home. :) And just sticking to the 8-hr working hours. And I will really strive to keep that.

I had a lot of take away from the things I did last Saturday (5 movies and several readings). Probably one of the biggest is finally admitting that there is still that something that I haven't moved on from. And it is something that I am ashamed of sharing. I haven't told anyone about it. And I intend to keep it to myself.

I know it's something that I really need to work real hard. And I cannot procrastinate further. I didn't realize that it was already hurting me. And I cannot continue to hurt myself because of it.

There are just some things that are beyond my control. And no matter how I wanted something, it wouldn't be given if it is not meant for me.

Oh well.

free writing at 1:30 am

And I am at it again. I just finished watching the last of the harry potter series. And i guess I won't have an excuse anymore of not facing what's bugging me. I don't understand but I am very emotional lately. There's an indescribable feeling of both fear and pain inside. I don't want to welcome this feeling because it won't do me any good. But i cannot take it for granted any longer. Though it doesn't directly affect my work, it does drain me. And oftentimes when I am too tired, I don't know reason anymore.

It is unusual for me to cry over something I don't exactly know. I pray that I'll get through this soon. And know exactly what's causing this so I can move forward accordingly.

If I am at Hogwarts, I hope to be deserving of the help it gives.

jdjfurnxirutncnsk

Harry potter instead of the things that's bugging me.

Cannot sleep

Paolo's Sales Plan

Amazing!

That was my initial reaction and I was just looking at the documents. I was even more amazed after reading the contents. And I am more excited for the plans' execution and the results.

True, it may be a normal thing for a sales person to do but I haven't seen such kind of output. He even did a better flowchart than those who are expected to know more and create more flowcharts.

If only those who has a lot to say about the mistakes of our company can convert their energies to creating such an output, whether for sales, delivery, or self improvement. And I better start with myself. :D

Thanks Pao for the inspiration!

Month end

Ever since I became an accountant, I never experienced the month end drama. Well until now. It's just that what I am feeling right now is the same as the month end drama of all those who have something to cope and accomplish during month end. GGB in short.

Since my former boss left, I had so many things to do. It was ok at first because it felt like I was doing the same stuff  before. However, I think everything has taken its toll. Or perhaps I haven't allowed myself to rest when I got sick that's why until now I am still sick. I can take a leave but I won't. Crazy? Yes. I allowed others to take their rest so there is someone who will be left in the office.

Looking forward to the weekend, hopefully I can have a full rest.

Effective Leadership

With the plans we have for the team this year, we need to fast track things to see results. It's almost month end. It's time to take action.

First on the list is training them for presentations. They'll be provided a topic and they will be the on to discuss about it in our team meetings. And feedback will be provided after.

But as Jr put it, I need to lead by example. So he gave me the first topic - effective leadership. I'm too excited that there are already a lot of things going in my head on what I am going to say and how will my presentation flow. Though I am more excited with the realization of all the plans set.

And I pray for everyone's cooperation.

I asked someone about what he wants from a leader. And I am not that person. Am I hurt? Am I offended? Am I demotivated. No and no and no. I am happy that I got an honest answer.

As a leader, my guiding principle is simple, I do things for the greater good, I do things with love.

On to that effective leadership write up.

how are you

It's been a while
That we haven't talked
You were busy
I don't want to get in the way

But it's been a while
I can't help but wonder
Are you still busy?
Can I already get in the way?

Yes, it's been a while
And I really want to talk
I miss you
I want to know how are you

It's been a while
I know I can just ask you
But I am not going to
Though I want to know how are you

But it's been a while
I want to talk to you
I miss you
Just my pride is getting in the way

Yes, it's been a while
Do you miss me?
Do you want to talk?
Can you utter, how are you?

It's been a while
And we need to talk
We're busy. We have our pride.
We shouldn't let those get in the way

sick

Times like this...i just want to go home. Lisoda aning way mag alaga nimo.

smile

There will always be that person who will always bring a smile on your face despite and inspite.

And I realized that you are that person.

Thank you.

Still a Dream

I love you
You finally said
I smiled
My heart skipped a beat

I love you, too
I responded
As I hugged you back
My heart skipped another beat

I love you
You said again
As we walked towards
Our ever after

I love you, too
I whispered
As I open my eyes
From my slumber

I Unloved Thee

I unloved thee. I am not sure if that is grammatically correct. What I know is that statement explains a person's stand at point. If loving someone is a decision, so is unloving.

I had a wonderful conversation with a friend tonight. Finally, she can openly say that she already decided to unlove someone. At least not the same level as before. It took her a while. A very long while. And I am glad that she did. Sometimes, deciding to stay in love can be very tragic.

I pray that she can stand by that decision.

As for me, haven't "decided" yet.

:p

for 2015

Rad

Often you will hear people saying, more often than not an employee leaves a company because of the boss. But what if it was the boss who left? Will that necessarily make the direct reports stay? Or will that make them leave all the more? I don't have the answers to these. And for sure there are no conclusive answers. It will all depend on specific circumstances.

Last Friday, my boss officially left the company. I cannot say that I was close to him but I can say that we had a good working relationship. He's not the typical boss who dictates. He gave me freedom to do my thing as long as I deliver. He wasn't perfect. There were times that I don't agree with him. There were also times that I wished he wasn't my boss. But the more I get to work with him the more I understand. Esp. when he started get out of his shell. His job wasn't easy and I am glad that at least I was able to help make it easier for him.

I'll forever be thankful to Rad. If he was a different type of boss, I wouldn't have survived. Yes, there were times that I wanted to leave the company but for different reasons. I'll forever be thankful for the understanding and compassion he showed. Esp during those times that I had to take long leaves because I had to take care of my parents.

I thank him most esp for the vote of confidence. He trusted me enough to take his place. Did he prepare me for it? I think he did. And I'll do my very best to not fail him and the others who trusted me as well.

Tomorrow, I'll officially take on a new journey in my career. I pray that I'll have a smooth journey. If not, I pray for people who'll help me get through. I don't want to be the reason why people will leave.

To my former boss, I pray that you get to achieve what you aimed for in the new position you'll take. See you around! :D

form settings

Thank you Lord for helping me keep my cool today. 

I'm really very tired , i wasn't able to do a lot of things, and i missed lunch. 

Praying for a very good night sleep.

Night.

Page 1 of 365

Since the birth of social media, you will always see people posting Page 1 of 365 on the first day of the day. And for a week or two, the countdown will trend until you realize that you're back to page 1 again.

What is nice about the new year is that it gives people a resolve to start anew, thus the start of the new book. Though many would negate new year's resolution as it usually doesn't materialize, the fact that people make it, is in itself good.

As for me, I don't remember when was the last time I made a resolution. What I do every new year is set guiding points to make my year better than the last. And what usually on the list that I often neglect, is the journey to be healthy. I am starting the year 15kls heavier than my ideal weight. And I aim to lessen that this year. Again, I pray for consistency. I guess I need to always remind myself that I cannot achieve my dreams, my goals of helping others reach their full potentials if I don't have the energy to do it.

So my 15 guide points for 2015 to be healthier:

1. Eat right.
2. Get enough sleep.
3. Exercise.
4. Be positive.
5. Smile.
6. Communicate.
7. Believe.
8. Meet new people.
9. Be honest.
10. Talk.
11. Keep good relationships.
12. Let go.
13. Travel.
14. Introspect.
15. Pray. Daily.

Happy New Year!

Cheers!