Bakit Ka Hindi Crush Ng Crush Mo?

I promised to do a lot of introspecting during this long weekend. However, I can't focused that much because I do a lot of house chores being that there is no househelp. But in the spirit of proactiveness, despite doing a lot, I inserted this aim of mine. The best thing I could do is read while being our store's tindera. The book of my choice, Bakit Hindi Ka Crush ng Crush Mo by THE Ramon Bautista. Actually, I already read the book. But I opted to read it again because the first time, I was so in denial of everything that was written. I didn't take his words seriously.

The book was written to answer questions commonly asked by those whose love are unrequited. When to draw the line between love and friendship? When to fight and not to? When to risk it all? And a lot of other things. The questions were not written the way I stated it, but somehow it can be summed up to those.

I did not read the entire book again. I skipped some parts, parts which I believe I still remember. I can't help but laugh at what was written. The book itself is funny but I laughed more at how true the contents were. How I can relate to all that was written. On how similar I was to the characters mentioned. It's comforting to know that I am not the only one who went through all those things. There are others who have been through worse yet they have survived. And it makes me feel that after all, I am always left with a choice. In the end it is I who decide on what shall I do with my life.

What I realize, despite all my childish ways, I have grown. I have mature. I take things the way I should. I loved though I may not have been loved in return or the same way. I will still love. And someday, I know I will love and be loved.

So I don't bother myself with the above question anymore. I get that no matter how hard you try, if the person doesn't like you or love you, they never will. So why bother? Instead of focusing my energy to things I cannot control, I might as well do better to those that I can.

Bakit nga ba hindi ako crush ng crush ko? Ewan ko, tanong mo sa kanya? :P ahahahaha

You Gotta Work It Out

There are things that I am really so lazy about. Things that would really take a lot of convincing before I'd do. Things that I'd rather pray for a miracle to happen than actually take action for it to happen. I will not enumerate those things though because if I do I will just magnify the laziness. :P

But of course, I know, miracles don't just happen. You have to take action for them to happen. And slowly I am taking actions. Perhaps, I already took a lot of lazying around and now it's time for me to work on the things that I want. Take control of those I can control.

This Holy Week, I aim to take reflections. And hopefully, at the end of this, I can bring a better me to my team, and to society.

As my friend told me earlier, I gotta work it out.

Moving Forward

In my email communications lately, I seemed to have favorited a phrase; Moving Forward. It's my way of trying to divert the negative tone of each email to something positive. I never thought that answering emails can be very draining. Esp that not everyone is supportive.But what does it really mean to me? Am I truly moving forward? Am I ready to move forward? If I truly assess where I am right now, I could say that I am.

I had this wonderful conversion with my pals earlier. I openly talked about Bo's. And that's one good sign that I am truly moving forward. No bitterness anymore. I can laugh about everything already. What struck me though during our conversation, was when I admitted that I miss him. After all, we were friends. And I'd like to believe that we still are. Maybe, I pushed him away with all my kadramahan. I tried to reach out. I am reaching out. But perhaps, he moved forward a little faster than I had. Maybe, just maybe, we cannot be the way we used to be. And that is something that I cannot control. And I accept that.

To you my dear friend, if you happen to read this, I miss you. I really want to know how you are doing with everything. I hope that time will come when I can easily just strike a conversation with you without having to worry if you'd respond or without having to seem pathetic. I miss you. I miss you. I still love you, I guess that will not change. But I am not in love with you anymore.

So, moving forward...

I'm Scared to Death

Last Thursday, I attended a supervisory skills enhancement workshop. It was my first supervisory skills training. And I love the timing because I want to enable myself to bring my team to a new level. That is, I want them to be empowered, to be proactive individuals, for them to achieve their personal goals at the same time, be of better service to our customers. But of course, before I can uplift them, and bring them to where I want them to be, I have to look at myself first. What I liked about that workshop is that it started with exercises of introspecting. Yeah, I usually practice that. I always look at myself, my motivations, my strengths, my weaknesses. Perhaps, because of everything that I went through. All of the bad decisions, the failures, I get to see things differently. 

One exercise we did was, if I only have 30 days to live what are the things I will do?  I did not take that exercise seriously since it was a group activity, but what stuck to my mind was all those things listed there were things that I can do on any regular day. Things that I chose to let go because I have different priorities. Or make that my priorities are unset. I go where the wind takes me, no questions asked. I tend to forget. 

At the end of that day, what I realized, I'm scared. I'm scared to death. I'm scared that i neglected a lot of things, that I cannot turn to them anymore. I'm scared that I rejected a lot of people who loved me because I was to busy waiting for someone to love me. I'm scared of not finding love anymore. I'm scared. And slowly, to end this fear, I try to reach out to people. I try to reach out to friends. There are those who don't reach back, perhaps they don't care anymore. But that doesn't matter anymore. As long as I did try, I cannot be scared anymore.

Not Worth Your Time

I came across a quote which can be summarized as "If he cares, then he'll call. If not, then you are not worth his time." I laughed after reading this. I think this is particularly true. I'm so pathetic to be actually writing about him again. But to be honest, this is my way of coping and truly understanding. Or maybe just to get my mind off other things. I am just so stressed today. The day didn't start out right. How can others not be professional? Yeah, we are a young team but we are not dumb. Why can't they not take everything personally? This is just work. I am just glad I did not snap earlier. I'm sad though that I wasn't able to defend a colleague. I was so pissed that I diverted my attention in an instant. I didn't listen to the discussion anymore.

What I realized today, it helped that I am a product of Jesuit Education, a product of Xavier University. It really spelled the difference on how I deal with things.

Hayyys...

The Call

Before I left for Palawan, I did something I didn't expect I would do. It was unplanned and the urge just came out of nowhere. Perhaps it was because the night before I felt like I was going to die. I called him. I didn't have any particular thing to say. I didn't even have anything in particular to ask. I just miss him. I miss talking to him. I even miss writing to him. I know I am in the cycle of a never-ending reasoning with myself. What I did wasn't wrong but I wasn't supposed to do that. But I was glad I did that. At least I got to know how he has been.

I wouldn't deny that I still hope that he cares. That one day he'll call for no reason except that he misses me. Crazy, right? But then I realized, why would I stop hoping? Why would I stop caring? Why would I stop loving him just because he can't feel the same way? At least, I am not not praying for him to have a bad relationship with his girlfriend. Hahaha Which I will never do. And it never crossed my mind. 

Again, it hurts that he can't love me the same way. But I am not gonna torture myself  by suppressing whatever it is that I feel. As a lesson from our Sales conference, it is time for me to break free to break through big time. Meaning, I allow myself to express whatever I feel so I can truly break free and finally open my heart for a new love.

I just am glad I called him. :)