Peace and Quiet

It has been a week since I deactivated my FB. People thought that I deactivated it because of Bo's but actually it's not just because of him. FB had become a constant source of heartache for me. I see conversations, pictures, and status updates that makes me question myself, most esp question my judgment. I know I shouldn't but I am. It's not healthy for me anymore. And I would say that deactivating it helped me this week. I loosened up and somehow there's peace and quiet in my head.

But I know I have to activate soon. It's my best mode of communication with friends. It's my best way of knowing how they are and how they've been.

---

Last week I overreacted on something. Or make that, I was in deep pain that I wasn't able to hold back tears. It was immature and selfish in a way because I didn't give the understanding that I should have given. Though I am thankful that it happened. At least, it changed my perspective on things and gave me a firm reason on not to be dependent on people and address my jealous nature. I admit that I am a very jealous friend, esp if I feel that you treat everyone nicely except me. Esp if I see that you allot time for everyone except me. I have overcome this jealousy with some of my friends but it took time and circumstances allowed for that jealousy not to be triggered. Among my friends now, I am mostly jealous because of BO's and RG. And it's not because I am in love with them (I'll write about RG some other time). I admit that I long for their attention and time. And I long for it even more if I see them giving it to other people. Crazy? Yes, it is. For Bo's, for quite a while I overcame my jealousy but it was triggered again. For RG, he's just so distant. And you know that feel that you miss him even if he's just right beside you? Faet.

I am afraid to lose them. That's a fact. Yet I know I couldn't hold them should they want to leave. After all, people move forward and bring along with them those they only need.

It's a sad thought that I don't matter. This is not about self-pity or what. It's a fact. I just don't matter to some people and they deliberately show that.

Oh well. On to my search for peace and quiet.

Broken

If there's one person who has the power to break me over and over again it's Bo's. I don't know why but it has been that way ever since. It's like a constant battle for his attention and affection. I am a very understanding person and I understand him always. However, this time, I cannot seem to find the right reason to make myself understand. And honestly, I'm broken by the circumstances. And I can't stop my tears from falling. Somebody asked me these:  what did he do? Is his fault that grave? Or you are just selfish? I asked him to expound on the last question, because perhaps I am. Perhaps because of the pain I feel, I am reduced to being narrow minded that I can't see reason anymore. Perhaps I am too selfish that I only care about how I feel.

I wanted to see him badly. That's a fact. I understand that at that time he really can't. Though he could have had told me ahead so as not to put my hopes high. He went home to CDO, I expected that. But how unfair can circumstances be? How can we not be in the same place at a time when we could meet? Then again, the horrors of his return home last year came to mind. We were at the same place, but I seem to have begged for the time. As a friend told me, kung gusto may paraan. Kung ayaw, maraming dahilan. And even up to this moment, I am still hoping that he'd surprise me and visit me here. But then again, he just told me that he's boarding to Manila. Pathetic me.

I cannot blame him, of course. Who am I that he'd go out of his way? Who am I to be given attention? Who am I for him to waste his time, esp at this time? Sorry for the negativity. But if I come to think of it, perhaps I was wrong to assume that I matter to him. Perhaps, I was wrong to believe that. Perhaps, I was wrong to give so much importance on myself. He even forgot to greet me on my Birthday right? Again, I may be wrong to judge. May be he's going through something. And what kind of a friend am I to not understand that. But I've got feelings too. And all the while that I tried to converse or reach out, I was rejected. And that hurts. And I guess I've reached my tolerance for pain already.

Selfish na ko kung selfish. Di ba diay ko pwede masakitan? Di ba diay ko pwede magreklamo na dili na nako kaya? Dili ba diay pwede na mangayo sad ko og understanding panagsa?

Emotions

I am in that cycle again of getting hurt over and over because I never learned. I understand that I cannot force myself to people's lives because they don't want to. But despite that understanding, I cannot help but be hurt. It's a tiring process of being rejected. It's a tiring process of people making me feel unwanted. It's a tiring process of emotional torture. Though as much as I want to detach myself from these people, I can't. I don't know why I chose to hold on to people when they already had let go of my hands, when evidently they don't care anymore. I don't want to cry anymore. I'm tired. I'm tired.

He's the One

I'm a sucker for romantic movies. And at the very state I am in right now, I badly need a romantic movie to kick me out of the corner I am sulking right now. And yes, I didn't want to watch alone. I don't want to be that much of a loser. So I invited friends to watch She's the One. It's a typical story of best friends falling in love but too afraid to admit to each other that they do. That it took another person to come to their lives before they realized that they are meant for each other. But no matter how typical the story is, it was a fun movie. And again, it did help me to at least move a little from that corner I am sulking in.

I don't deny that I am at my lowest right now. I didn't expect that I would feel this low only because this person I long to be with doesn't give a damn about me. And that he deliberately makes me feel that I am a nobody. I know, I know, I shouldn't be going through this mess right now. But I am. And I know this is such a shit. I'm crazy. This is crazy. I am 29 and yet I don't act my age. From the start, I know he wouldn't feel the same way but I still pushed it. Crazy. Stupid. But I love him. If you come to think about it, I don't know why I am holding on. There are no moments to hold on to. There are no shared feelings to hold on to.

Perhaps I am just in this crazy habit of inflicting pain in myself. Emotional torture that is. The tears I cried last week was just too much that I don't want to feel that again. It's bad enough that he doesn't care. I need not subject myself to additional torture of crying over him. It's just too much.

I must keep in mind that he is one person who is not willing to move even a stone to understand how I feel and still remain friends. Am I too judgmental about him? Maybe yes. But I guess I need to be that brutal to save myself from any more pain.

If he's the one for me, then I guess everything will fall into place. But it didn't. So I guess he's not.

Oh well.

Somebody Forgot My Birthday....

I woke up with a smile on my Birthday. I made an effort not to feel bitter that day even though I know that my ultimate wish won't come true. But I did wish that the second one. That is, to be made feel special. I am away from my family and most of my friends. And I know they can only do as much. But I'm me, so I still wished for that. And thankfully, that was granted. My officemates surprised me with a bouquet of flowers (29 roses-very symbolic), balloons, and handwritten notes. And I didn't hold back tears. I really cried. It was a first.

I enjoyed my day even if I had meetings that day. Even went to a client for a meeting. Prior my birthday I was so overly dramatic. Another year, another year. And yet I haven't found my partner yet. If I check on the grand picture of where I am in my life now, that's the puzzle miss that's missing. Good thing, I am already 29 and I can already reason with myself. I can say I have mature in dealing with these stuffs.

One thing that puzzled me and still puzzles me is why a specific someone failed to greet me. Though he's not obligated to, I just find it quite unusual. I know he remembers my birthday. What could have had possibly happened why he failed to greet me.

Oh well, it's still a happy birthday. I got drunk, by the way. :P

Sept 26, 2009

It's been four years. I laugh, I smile at the memory. It was on this day that I admitted to myself that I had a thing towards BOs. It was such a happy day because finally I've let the feelings out (at least to myself). Four years after, of course, the feeling is not the same anymore. And honestly, I don't question the what if's. I'm glad that I am ok with what we ended up to be. I am happy that until now we're friends. He is one of my most trusted person. And even if we don't talk that often (I think he deactivated his facebook again). And even if there are things about him that I don't know of anymore. I can say that we're good.

I am excited to see him. I am looking forward to that day that he'll visit the country. I am looking forward to where he's going to treat me. Hahaha Kidding aside, I miss him. No matter what happens, he will forever hold a special place in my heart.

Oh, the memories. 

Crazy

I don't know what went on with me last friday. I guess it was a combination of being alone, missing him, frustration and disappointment with my boss and with work. I snapped. I feel so helpless that I am away and at the same time disappointed that I cannot entrust some things to who were left. Much worse, it was the company's 2nd anniversary and while they were enjoying, I am here alone. And worst, he surprised everyone with his presence in Cebu. I so miss him. I miss talking to him and seeing him. Setting aside what I feel, his the nearest person I can talk to about anything and end up laughing to the core. I hoped for him to be back, and he was. But I'm not there. And I guess the wish of being with him on my birthday won't  come true. 

I know I overly reacted. Turning off my phones and all communication lines. But it was my release. And I think it was good in a way. I was able to affirm that nobody cares. At least in my immediate environment. Nobody cares. It's a wake up call not to depend on people. All they need me for is to help them with work. They don't care if I'm already tired or fed up with all the demands. I was just too good to them.

I guess it's in my nature to give more than I can. But everything has its limits. And I've reached mine. Perhaps it's high time for me to give myself some consolation. I deserve some rest.

half crazy

Seeing Him

I didn't say much about it but I was so excited to see RG. I did look forward to this business trip because I'll see him. Though he did not stay long as I wanted him to stay, at least he stayed. It has been almost a month since his deployment and it felt like forever because no matter how I deny it, I missed him. I terribly missed him. I wasn't even conscious anymore of the fact that I ran into him to hug him. It was nothing to him of course, but I don't care. I'm happy to have spent time with him, no matter how short it was. I was able to convinced him to stay last night even it would mean that he'll travel very early today.

I just missed his company. I love him, there's no denying that. But then again, I know I cannot tell it to him. I know he wanted me to reveal it to him. His testing waters, he said. And I was being safe. But that's that. I cannot risk it. I cannot risk the friendship.

All is well between us. I'm happy with that.

That Video Call

It really is different when you actually hear a person talk and see him move.  I'm glad that after a while  I had that chance to talk again and see him again. I was so thrilled that all I did initially was laugh and smile. There's no denying that I miss him.

I laughed at the very first question he asked me. He asked if I was in love with RG. I didn't answer it straight. I don't know. Even if I'm free to talk about it to him, I can't seem to find the answer. Perhaps, in my heart I know that I love RG but it just has to stop. I don't want to go through it all again. And yeah, I just want t to enjoy the feeling this time.

He asked me on what my plans are in the next two years. And I was struck by that because I didn't know what to say. I'm older than him but he seemed to planned out a lot more than I did. He knows what he wants and what he needs to do. Whereas I... I'm stuck. Not that I don't have a choice but I just chose to be where I am right now. Am I happy? I guess I am. I chose to be. Though I cannot yet say that I have fulfilled everything I aim for. I am at a status quo. I'll stay where I am for a while and make changes (better changes). And then I'll move on.

I'm really looking forward to spend time with my friend. We have a lot of things to talk about. There's a story that I didn't know and I want to know. Though it may be of the past already, it's something that I know can close chapters that were forcibly closed.

I wanted to joke last night about us. About us finding each other since we're both looking for a love life. But I realized that it wasn't something that can be joked about.

I'm just so thankful that despite all that had happened. Despite all my drama, we remained friends.  And we continue to be.

Thank you my dear friend. After all, you really are my BO's Coffee.

That Call

I received an unexpected call yesterday. Though I wasn't able to talk to the person clearly because I was on the road, just the same I became so thrilled by that call. Just the thought that someone from far away remembers you and check how you are, that's one big reason enough to feel better. Esp at these times when my mind just flies to different directions because of all the pressures inside. Pressures I cannot let out because I don't want to drag people down. I really thank him for that call. I wasn't that in the mood for the roadtrip yesterday as I was so tired, but the call made me excited.

Anyway, I am looking forward to that conversation. It's been a while since we've talked. 

What I Really Wanted To Say

It's been almost a week since  he left.  And I wouldn't deny that it was quite a week. It's hard to be alone. Our goodbye was quite awkward. I wanted to hug him but I know it would be wrong. I gave him a gift and a letter. The book wasn't very personal, that's why I chose it. But the letter, I tried to make it less personal but I guess I failed. I didn't declare love on that letter though. I was just very honest in saying how sad I was that he'll be away for quite a while. And at a point I think I went overboard. I want to apologize to him for I caused him some discomfort but I didn't want to push it because he didn't talk about the letter. In fact, he only mentioned it once. And we never had any long conversation this week. He didn't even bother asking me how I was. Again, even if he's far away he'd have time for the others around me, except me.

I'm in a difficult phase right now. I have never felt so alone. But then again I cannot dwell on this.

What I really wanted to say in that letter is "I love you. There are no other better words that can express why I care for you like I do. I'm sad that you're leaving because I already learned to depend on your company. Of course I know that you don't feel the same way and there's not even the slightest possibility that you will. But just the same, I love you. I just hope you won't take it against me."

He's Leaving

It's final. He's leaving. I didn't want  that day to come but I know it'll come eventually. In two days he'll be off to someplace. I know it's just near and I know that we'll see each other sooner. But still, it's different. I will go home to an empty place now. And as I often say, I dread the feeling.

For the past months I know we haven't been very ok. He was civil to me and as much as possible he only talks to me about work. It's all my doing. I fell in love with him. I wasn't able to control my feelings. But it's too late for the blame game now. It's just sad though. I became too attached to him that it'll create a big difference now that he'll be away. This is just temporary, I know. But a lot of great deal will happen in that temporary distance. Hahaha I'm getting nowhere with what I am writing. I guess it'll suffice to say that I am not ok. Yes. I don't dream a future with him. There's no possibility for that. I just don't feel good.

Oh well. I guess I just have to enjoy his company before he leaves. 

Responsibility

A project went crazy lately and I understand that everyone involved in that project are too toxic. Even I didn't know what to do anymore for a time. But I guess I depended so much on a senior to back us up just in case. I have a very high tolerance for insults and sarcasm. I can stretch my patience up to as much. I understand that he is not well aware of what the frontliners do for he never experienced what we do. But I expected him to show respect to what we do and not treat us as slaves. I don't know what to call myself anymore after what he did. I know what my responsibilities are. And if there maybe times that I forget, I don't forget something as big as knowing that I am managing a project. When he told me that I was supposed to manage that project and I immediately told him that based on my understanding (and everyone's understanding) it is him who'll manage. I can take responsibility for any wrong thing I do. But what my boss showed is exactly the opposite. As if he tried to pass on the blame. And I guess (even with my little knowledge on project management and leadership) that's a big no-no.

I won't deny the fact that I am bothered. It's bad enough that I am always put in the middle of opposing forces. And then there's this.I am tempted to leave. I can always find something else. It is just that I still can't right now. I cannot let those everyone around me down. I cannot let my team down. With a boss like that, I don't know how can they have an easy life.

Oh well.

Communication

One area that our team needs to improve on is communication. Sometimes, we get too comfortable with each other that we automatically assume that our msg are conveyed even if we just say it in passing or even if we don't say it at all. This is a big challenge for me. I need to urge the team to practice proper communication and I need to practice it myself too. I sent an email to the team re this one and only one responded. I am not sure if they got the msg or if they took the msg seriously. I just hope that they did. I have high hopes to better improve the team. But then of course I cannot do it alone. It has been months since I took this post and I am not so sure if I am effective with what I am doing. I ask for other's feedback but what they give me does not suffice as a proper evaluation of my performance. Too bad there isn't someone who can mentor me. I need some guidance too.

When I decided to transfer, I knew that I'll get the post. But more than getting the post, my deciding factor was the fact that I had two people to back me up. My support system. I can't seem to feel that now though. I feel that I am left alone. And honestly, that fact seems to weaken me. I just force myself to stay strong because there are others who depend on me.

Oh well, I pray for improvement.

Babe

Terms of endearment are so sweet. Even if it's so corny at times, can't deny that it gives one that kilig factor. Esp if it is use not out of habit. I saw a friend's post calling someone babe. My initial reaction was, ah ok, there could already be someone else. Until I noticed that it could have referred to a man. I felt weird at first but I let it pass until I had the chance to ask him. Wala ra ko nataranta but if it were a girl, for sure mataranta ko. Hahaha Not that I still feel the same but more like, I still want to be in the loop. I want to know who the next person whom he'll fall in love with as I was totally clueless of the last. I won't deny the fact that I still care. I don't want him to be in any way hurt.

I'm glad of the conversation we have had. Chill lang. And I'm glad that I was able to open up. After all, only a few people know about how I truly feel about RG.

Anyway, i'm excited for that moment to come when someone would call me the sweetest endearment there is. I may again be in a one-sided love situation but I am not giving up on love yet. I am not at all bitter. Someday, I know, that someone will come.

Unimportant

Just the other day I posted on FB this, "Thank you for deliberately making me feel unimportant". I've had this feeling for quite a while now. I just exploded. Thus, the post. I don't blame the person for making me feel this. In the first place I can't demand care or affection from him. I'm just so stubborn . Perhaps, I just find it so unfair. If he can be so caring and thoughtful to others around us, why not me? Even at the level of friendship. Though I understand. He doesn't want me to give meaning to any affection he will show me. Thus, not giving me any affection at all. I just find it so weird.

I guess I just have to truly understand the way he is and how uncomfortable it is for him to not show he cares even if he really does. And I need to understand also how I feel and why I am going through this. I just feel so alone these days. My way of diverting my thoughts is reading Harry Potter. It feels like I am always left behind. Oh well.. I am confused. I'm so alone. I am not ok. But I can only rant about it here.

Oh well... On to my Harry Potter reading.

Positive

I have that tendency of being so overly dramatic over something I don't have control of. Most of the time I refuse to accept things esp those that are not in my favor. I admit that I got so overly disappointed over something. It was hard for me to accept that I have to be alone again. But after giving it much thought and with lots of prayers, I have come to terms with the fact that it was bound to happen. It just happened a little earlier than expected. 

I will miss him. I got used to waking up every morning knowing that he's just in the other room. I can sleep soundly at night knowing that I am not alone. I felt secured. But then again, I cannot hold him. I don't have that power. I don't have that right. He maybe someone whom I depended to for a while but that has just to stop. I need to be more independent.

Yes, I love him but I am not in love with him. 

Surprise!

I often say that I love surprises. Sweet surprises that is. There are just surprises that can alter your world so much that you end up confused and not know how to move forward. A big surprise came my way yesterday. Though I wasn't the one directly affected, it hit me bigtime. One, because it changes work structure. Second, i'll miss the person terribly. He'd be away for quite a while and maybe for good.
Though I know I have to eventually learn to let go, I just can't get over the fact that I'll be alone again. I mean, the one comfort that I don't want to lose is not going home to an empty place. It's a life that I dread. But then again, I need to understand that there's a WILL that's bigger and far greater than mine. I may not grasp it all now but hopefully soon I will. As a friend told me, someday, it'll all make sense.

I need to gather myself together now.

Somebody's Me

Somebody's Me... I just heard this song earlier today and I can't stop listening to it. I have it on repeat right now actually. I am just so drawn to the song. Perhaps it points out to some of the feelings I feel right now. I love someone dearly and it's so hard because I can't tell him and I can't even show him. Circumstances just don't permit. I'm proud to say that I can now control my feelings. I allow my brain to function and reason with my heart, But it's hard. It's hard that I can't freely love him. That I just have to be contented with us being friends. That I just have to be contented with silently caring and loving him. It's hard most especially because I know he can't love me back and he cannot treat me the same way as he treat others. There will always be barriers. There will always be boundaries. There are so many things I cannot risk.

It's a daily struggle to not in any way show my feelings. It's a daily struggle not be jealous. It's a daily struggle of not being down because of knowing that all the beautiful things coming out of his mouth are not for me. It's a daily struggle of not being hurt because I am the person he'll never miss.I'm not part of his circle. I'm not part of his world.

My prayer at church today, is that I won't get tired of loving. That I won't give up on loving. I may have learned to control my emotions but I am actually getting to that point of not feeling anything. I don't want my heart to be numb. I don't.

To the person I love right now, I love you. I just say it here. I'll just wish someday, I can tell you freely.

Crystal Formula

For the past few weeks, I've been busy working on some crystal reports. I did some troubleshooting of reports I did not make. I also created reports from scratch. These were very draining. Even if I like what I am doing, at the end of the day I get tired. There's just too much that the body and mind can do. I get a certain high though every time I get to finish one, esp if I get to fix one.

What I like most in creating crystal reports are the formula and/or condition that comes with it. If only I can apply these formula to my heart, then I would gladly use it.

I had this conversation with a friend earlier. Matters of the heart again. Not mine but hers. Though we ended up talking about mine. I realized that I totally learned to suppress whatever it is that I feel. I don't nourish it. I don't allow it to grow. It's because I know that the person my heart is longing for definitely cannot give back what it wants. Is it a good thing? Is suppressing my feelings a good thing?  In a way it is. At least I don't do crazy things because I don't feel it. I am afraid though. I am afraid because suppressing it means that I don't allow myself to feel anything nor to express anything. I don't want to come to a point where I would feel a very big void in my heart.

If only.

if whatheartfeels = loveforhim then suppress else express

Laughter is the Best Medicine

I've been very sick lately. Must be the weather. But even if it wasn't due to the weather, I would still be sick. I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders because I was so down. But then again nature has its way of healing me. I am not totally healed yet but I am getting there.

I guess the saying laughter is the best medicine is true. I am glad that I am surrounded by people who never fails to make me laugh. It always is a joy. It allows me not to dwell on the downs of my life or of my situation. Yeah, there are moments when I feel so alone esp that I am away from my family and I don't have someone. But then again, as a friend told me, if I just focus on the things that I need to do or the things that have value, then more likely I'll easily get over with any negative feeling I have.

I love the way I am laughing now. And it's good that I don't necessarily have to be in love to laugh this way. ;)

Of Notebooks and Pens

Even until now, I still am not over that habit of buying Notebooks and Pens I don't even use and sometimes,I even forget that I have. I don't  anymore remember how I started with that habit or why I developed it. I just know that I find comfort in these things. They just take my blues away.

For the past week I just felt so alone. Even up to this moment. I guess work pressures are taking its toll on me. And I cannot freely express my frustration because there are others who are depending on me for strength. The one person I so often run to, somehow, is not there anymore. He is keeping his distance. I know it's my fault. I went overboard of telling him too much that's why perhaps he sensed that being near me or getting close to me will do more harm than good.

I don't blame him. Sometimes, the only way to tame me is to leave me. But it hurts. I feel so alone. And when I feel like this, I know I can't be as effective as I want to be. And I can't be productive. I don't get things done.

I bought two pens and  a notepad today. I wanted to buy more but I just controlled myself because I need to save.  And I guess it's noteworthy to say that I over ate. I am officially stressed. I am officially alone. But I know I cannot dwell on these.

Tomorrow is a new day. I need to start. I have to start.

Alcoholic

One thing that I really don't want to be is an alcoholic. Ever since, I am not a fan of alcohol. But yes, I do drink once in a while as a show of respect during night out with friends. The other night, we had this instantaneous drinking session because it's holiday the next day. And I was really psyche to drink because I was so disappointed with the Game Night results. Imagine, our team didn't even score. Gosh, talk about worse. Anyway, I gave my word to drink a set (6 bottles) and my limit is just 3. I kept my word, so i ended up drunk. Oh well, not so drunk because I slept. They were all so busy, so I slept. Haha

One thing about that night though that I can't forget is how I was able to control my emotions. In a typical me-drunk scenario, I let all my emotions out esp if I am going thru something. Maybe I've changed. Maybe I now know better. Yeah, disappointments shouldn't be an excuse for me to drink. To drink hard for that matter. But at least now I know how to control my emotions. I revealed a secret that night to someone. And I did that on purpose. I want to create the impression that I trust people cause I also want them to trust me. It maybe too much to handle for that person but at least she knows already.

I learning. I'm growing. I'm more mature. I know how to control my emotions whether drunk or not.

I can't make you love me

Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't

ohhh these lines. It was very timely for me to have heard this song. I won't deny that I am very bothered these days. Perhaps it is because I am trying to suppress what I am feeling. And it manifests. I get jealous and my jealousy haunts me in my dreams. As RG told me, I am not very careful so he finally concluded. Whatever his conclusion was, I don't know. I just hope it won't lead to him not talking to me.

Yes, I told myself to just love him as is because I know I can't make him love me. Finding someone to love is not on his priority list and even if it is, I don't fit the description of someone he'll fall in love with. It's not that I am looking down at myself. It's just that I know that I can't make a person love me if he don't. He can't make his heart feel something it won't.

Oh well, I guess I just have to focus on living, on being alive. And that would mean giving joy to people around me. 

Loving You

Work had been so demanding. I can still cope but I get so tired at the end of the day. And in moments like this, I get to think of wanting to go home to someone. Someone who at one glance can make my mood lighten. I still don't have that someone yet. I mean I don't have anyone to go home to right now. I don't pray for it but I just know that he will come at the right time.

I am just glad that though I am away from my family, I am not alone here. I don't go home to an empty place.   I mistook this gladness for a romantic feeling. Yes, I love this person. I am so glad to have made that move of transferring here and having him as a housemate. If this feeling could blossom into something more, I don't know. If it will, then I will let it be. But for now, I will love him as is.

The Case of the Deactivated Facebook Account

I didn't have time to browse thru fb this morning because I was so busy with work. It was just a few hours ago that I noticed that he wasn't on fb anymore. I noticed because he wasn't on the list of people I frequently chat with. Then I checked and confirmed it with a friend. So , he posted that he would deactivate. For what reasons, something to do with people posting nonsense.

The big question now is, am I affected? Am I saddened? To be honest, at first I just thought it was weird. It just sinked in now that the slightest possible way to communicate is eradicated. I'm sad. Fb was the easiest way to communicate with him. And our communication isn't even frequent. Yeah, there's viber and even we chat or skype even. But then again, we don't communicate through these anymore. If I call or message he doesn't reply. I'm saddened by this. Even if I understand that people can move on with their lives and not look back. Even if I understand that he chose to move forward without bringing me in his new circle. Even if I understand that he chose to forget about me or disregard me. Even if I understand, it is still sad and it still hurts.

Oh well, I need to move forward with my life too. But I choose not to disregard him. He is still my friend. And we may not talk and we might not see each other anymore, I know he has a place in my heart and I know I will still care.

I just hope he is happy.

Still Waters Run Deep

I had this conversation with a friend last night. We may not be exactly in the same circumstance but we are going through the same thing. Only that, I can control more my emotions more than her. How unfair life can be sometimes? Why can't we have the ones we love? Why do we fall for people who can't love us back? And why do we hold on even if there's nothing to hold on to?

I have answers to these questions for myself but then again even with the answers I still can't stop myself from loving the person who can't love me back. Perhaps, I am more comfortable that way. I am more afraid to be hurt by the ones who love me. In the case of Bo's, I truly loved him. I was really in love with him. It wasn't a case of a mistaken love. In RG's case, I love him but perhaps it's because he is near. He's a constant companion. And maybe just maybe,  I mistakenly took this friendly-love affection as more. Yes, I do care for him like I care for the rest of my friends. But maybe I care for him more because I can actually show it. I am just controlling my emotions so that the feeling won't be nourished and won't turn to truly being in love with him. And yes, I am talking about this since it would be dangerous if I just keep it inside. Still waters run deep, they say.

I had the courage to tell Bo's that I love him because the emotion was strong and I know that he's someone who can understand. I cannot tell RG because he definitely can't. He'd rather be not friends with me that know that I love him. He's that person.

But despite this confusion I am going through right now, I'm happy because I chose to be. As a friend commented, I look happy. That great love meant for me will come soon. I just know it will.

Picture Perfect

I had this picture taken with someone and I liked it a lot. It depicts a picture of a happy family. And how i wish to have mine someday. If only that picture can be real everyday, I'd be the happiest person. But then again, it's just a picture and I am not meant to be with that someone. 

I realized today that I am no good at hiding or keeping to myself what I feel. I guess I'm being unfair to my friends. I mean all the while, the thing that keeps coming out of my mouth and I keep talking about is RG. Yeah, I don't nourish the feeling. I don't even fight for it. But I just can't stop it. For these past few days, I just keep on laughing to hide the uncertainty I am feeling. I know I should be worried because anytime I might explode but then again I am not worried. This time, I don't want to allow any negativity to overpower me because I chose to love someone who can't love me back. 

Someday, I know, I'll have that perfect picture I've been dreaming of. In time. In HIS time.

Great!

Something I learned to develop these days is the art of letting go. Letting go of things that I really am not supposed to hold on to. Remember RG? I went through quite a tough time with him the other week. Perhaps, it was brought about by too much jealousy and moreso because of the feeling that I cannot tell nor show. I know he's smart enough to know about how I felt without me telling it. But he was smart enough also to make me feel that he is dismissing it. He doesn't need it. He doesn't want it. It was hard for me at first to comprehend. I was in denial. But then again, I'm old enough to learn of when to let things go and to prioritize what matters. We're friends and I'd like to keep that. Maybe, what really bothered me the whole while was what changed between us. I'm just glad that we were already over that phase and we're slowly getting back to where we were.

I just feel so happy. It feels great. Yes, I love him. But it's not something that I will nourish. I love him more as a friend. And I'd like to keep it that way.

The Game

I've prayed for someone and then that someone came along. I did not pray for the situation but this situation was given. I really don't know where to stand right now. But suffice to say that I am quite disappointed. More like, hurt.

Ok, I played the game which I shouldn't have in the first place. Yeah, I fell in love again and I don't want to admit it. I loved the wrong person. Wrong because I know he can't love me the same way. Why am I always placed in a situation like this? After all these years, I should have learned. But then again, love's like that. It just springs out of nowhere. It comes unexpectedly.  What's more surprising is the person your heart chose to love.

Oh well.

Missed Call

You know that moment when  you constantly remind yourself not to get too excited over something because there's a big chance for it not happening. That is what I exactly did this weekend. I was so looking forward to talking to someone but I had to remind myself not to. And somehow my instinct was right. The call, the talk didn't happen. Am I bitter? No. Am I sad? Yes. Am I disappointed? Yes. Am I that unimportant that someone wouldn't want to keep a promise made to me? Times like this, I get to question what is wrong with me. Why is it that I am always made to feel this way?

Oh well.

RG

I'll call him RG. No basis at all. Just pure product of imagination.

My head's not really working properly right now. I'm not used to drinking anymore and I think I had too much. I had no reason to drink. I just had fun. Or perhaps it was just a way for my brain to open up. Yeah, this I'm sure. I love him. But I don't have any intentions of telling or showing him. I'm not ready to take that risk. From what I heard him say today, it aggravated more the desire of not telling him. Yes, my feelings is not that strong yet. I know it can still be stopped. And I am opening my hearts to others. But it's there.

I am again in that same path of loving someone first. But I pray that I don't go through the same thing again.

RG is definitely someone.

He's Worth The Risk

I promised to do something crazy yesterday since it's a friend's birthday. But things didn't go through as planned. Apparently, my friend did some enjoying. And I am happy with that. That's my wish for him, to enjoy his birthday.

But fate sometimes takes it own course. The craziness I planned somehow bounced back. Something crazy did happen yesterday. And up to this moment I still can't get over it. It was just a normal conversation but it hit me to the core. It's as if I was played at or he (another friend) was trying to persuade me to confess. Yes, I still don't have strong emotions for him. But I am asking myself already. That natural instinct to care, it's already there. I am just trying to evaluate if it is because we are friends or I see him as more than that. Yes, I'm afraid. This time, I don't want to make the same mistake again. I don't want to be hurt. I am afraid to risk it all. And funny how, as if he read my mind. He confidently said to me, that if I know of someone who might be interested in him, I should tell him. He's worth the risk. Gosh!

Is he really worth it? I know he's just playing games. And I'm tempted to play along. But there are so many things at stake. I don't want to make my life complicated. I just got over with a past love and I don't want to get through what I went through again.

Lord, help me. Guide me. Thank you.

Offended Not

I learned of something unexpected last night. I didn't see that coming. Sometimes you just feel that something bad is going on with a friend, and you worry. I wasn't offended that he didn't tell me and didn't reach out to me. I understand that. Sometimes, to just let our feelings out and for us to be ok, we need not confide with a friend. What he went through wasn't easy. And it's very evident with his posts and even though he may say that he was over it already, the aftermath shows that he still isn't. He definitely needs a break for him to move forward completely.

I worry about him. It's bad enough that you got your heart broken. Worse, you don't have your family with you. I pray that he'll get through this phase soon. As he said, he's been acting weird.

I still care for you my friend. I care. Trust me. I know that you know that you can count on me.

Afraid

If there's something I don't to feel right now is be in love with him. I don't want to make my life anymore complicated than it already is. Ironic it may seem. Yes, I am praying for someone. No one specific because I'm praying for someone who God wants me to be with. I am just not sure if I am understanding all the signs. Or if I am just mixing all up with the thought that it could already be him. I am not sure if I am falling for him but I am starting to question my feelings. And it's crazy.

He's definitely not someone who met my standards. But then again, who says of meeting a certain standard? Gosh. I pray for enlightenment. If it is him, I hope it'll be revealed soon. I'm not gonna pursue this time. I'll let tradition take its course.

Gosh byang.

Walking in Circles

We had this activity earlier. We were asked to draw to show where we are at our careers right now and how we were able to get there. I didn't exactly know what to draw at first. But what I know is that I am where I should be right now. I drew a rotunda, with three roads having road blocks and one with growing seeds. I was at the center, and I know I am headed towards the road with growing seeds. But prior to that, I was walking in circles. No exact direction. It took me a long while to be where I am right now. But I am glad that I am already here. On the road I am taking, seeds are just growing and I play a big role in ensuring that these seeds grow properly.

What I need to work on is not to go back on the same path of walking in circles. I am seeing roadblocks but I am more determined in overcoming those. I pray hard not to snap, because anytime soon I will. I am just thankful for those people who keeps me grounded.

I will not walk in circles anymore.

Unsent Letters

I have this habit of writing then forgetting about it. That's why from time to time, when I clean my stuff, I see letters inserted in books, notebooks, boxes, and etc. Lucky for me I don't have parents who pry on my things, else my deepest feelings would not be private anymore. Today, I found yet another letter meant for bo's. If someone else would find that letter, I wouldn't worry. No special something was in it. No secret was revealed. It was a letter I wrote January of last year. Had I sent that letter, things could have had change. I wouldn't have ended the year in a mess. But then again, everything happens for a reason. I may have written that letter from the heart but it wasn't meant to be sent. I have to learn. Looking back, I just smile at everything that had happened. I don't regret doing what I did. Had I not done those things, I wouldn't have grown.

For sure, in the next days, I'll find some of the unsent letters I have. And just like today, I know I will just smile at whatever I wrote on it. It's amazing how you get to be reminded of things you did, crazy things, and you don't feel any bitterness at all. It is such a blessing.

I love writing letters. It's one of the best expression of love for me. In this age of advanced technology, letters have such a wonderful touch of love that warms the heart. I have yet to receive a letter. And whoever would make such an effort, it will be greatly appreciated.

I have yet to write another letter. And I don't have someone to write a letter to. Hopefully, soon.

Phases

Most of the time, people go through phases in order to be where they should be. Sometimes though, some get stuck into specific phases in their lives and tend to be lost. I've been through that phase. I got stuck and didn't know how to move forward. I just gave up. I was unhappy. I was very lost. It took me sometime to get over that phase. It was more than a quarter life crisis. I didn't want to accept the reality that I wasn't where I want to be in almost all aspect of my life. My career has no direction. I don't have a love life (which I think was very vital to my life that time). I disappointed a lot of people because I was lost. And I just gave up on myself. I did trust myself enough. And most esp, I didn't turn to HIM. And with not turning to Him, I didn't turn to friends to. I allowed myself to wallow in my misery. 

Gladly enough, I found that trigger that woke me up. I don't know what that specific trigger was, but then a moment came when I finally accepted to myself that I was unhappy, I was in a mess, and I needed help. So seek help was what I did. And slowly, I am moving forward. I am at a phase where I am fixing all the messes I made with my life. Yes, there are still times that I get disappointed because I can't do anything. But I easily get over those and move forward. I now have that sense of direction. I am not only responsible for myself but for others too. And I know I need to take action, else I'll be lost again.

I am thankful still that though I haven't fully restored my relationship with HIM, I have opened my heart to welcome Him. I am thankful for the opportunities He presents.

As for happiness, it's a choice. And I choose to be happy, despite and inspite the circumstances.

As for love, I pray for that someone. No specific someone yet though. I just pray that I meet the person I am meant to be with.

:D

Happy 3rd Mint Choco!

How time flies. It's been 3 years since I received this wonderful gift from a friend. And funny how just a few days ago I found the card that came along with that gift. I saw it in a book I donated to the office library. The card read,  "Hug __________, when I'm not around. Thanks, Bonito Hehe". I named the mickey mouse stuffed toy as Mint Choco after my fave gelato flavor. It was such a surprise and as a proof of how much I love Mint Choco, I bring it with me everytime I am deployed at a place for a long time. Suffice to say, Mint Choco has been to different places in different mode of transportation (land, water, air).

My initial reaction to the message was, "as if naman ma hug taka maski naa ka?" . But truly, I appreciate this one so much up to this day. A lot of people actually laugh at me because of my attachment to Mint Choco. But I don't care. Over the years, Mint Choco has given me the comfort that I frequently needed. My shoulder to cry on, my listening ear. Maynalang dili siya gatubag kay if motubag siya, bungkag jud ko. Haha

So happy 3rd Mint Choco. And thank you Charlie for this gift. :)

Hunger

Lately, I am always hungry even if I actually am not. I eat a lot and I don't feel full at all. I crave for more food even if I am still eating. This is something to worry about. I am admitting that I am into a stress eating spree. I gave in to my stresses. Or if I look at it in another way, I guess I have this hunger for something. Something I don't know and I turn this into hunger for food. It easy to divert things to food. Need I say more?

I crave for attention. I crave for caring. I crave for love. At the end of the day, even if I divert all my attention, even if I make myself too busy, I know I will crave for these things still. I don't want to be feel and be so alone. I'm just getting so emotional these days.

It Takes a Man and a Woman

I had my apprehensions before I decided to watch this film. I don't particularly like Sarah and she went kind of OA per trailer. But peer reviews said it was fine. And so I decided to watch the movie. Twice, in fact. And for whatever reason, I got so moved by the scenes and cried a lot (even on the second time).

Perhaps I am at a point where I know already what I want. I know already who I wanna be. But I cannot answer yet the long standing question of who I will be with. Lucky for Miggy and Laida that it didn't took time for them to wait. It didn't took time for them to realize that they are each other's reality ever after. But of course, real life stories isn't like in the movies. I can only wish for a Miggy Montenegro. And I can only wish to be a Laida Magtalas too. Oh wait, in more ways I am Laida. I love and I am loyal with the one I love. I can forgive if I choose to forgive. And I don't give up if I know I can still do more. Yes, I dream of a fairy tale but I understand that I  have to live by what is real.

Old Friend

A message from an old friend came as a surprise to me. I mean, we don't communicate often and I didn't expect him to initiate communication. His message was a simple how are you. And this came at an opportune  time. I've been so stressed lately and I definitely need diversion. And I literally need a shoulder to lean on. He just reasoned that out of nowhere,he remembered me. Perhaps, it was natures way of sending my worries away. Hahaha

I've been through a lot with this friend. For several years, I was so broken because of him. But time heals. I cannot say that we are the best of friends but I can consider him a friend. Someone I can be totally honest with. And everytime I get to talk to him, I don't feel any pain anymore. After all, it's been 4 years.

It's nice to be friends with those who once broke your heart. I can't explain the exact feeling but it feels like you are free.

Good times. :)

Gone, Gone, Gone

Wow! This song speaks of undying love. Lucky is the person whom you have dedicated this song to. I am dedicating this song to you.

When life leaves you high and dry
I'll be at your door tonight
If you need help, if you need help
I'll shut down the city lights,
I'll lie, cheat, I'll beg and bribe
To make you well, to make you well

When enemies are at your door
I'll carry you away from war
If you need help, if you need help
Your hope dangling by a string
I'll share in your suffering
To make you well, to make you well

Give me reasons to believe
That you would do the same for me

And I would do it for you, for you
Baby, I'm not moving on
I love you long after you're gone.
For you, for you.
You would never sleep alone
I love you long after you're gone
And long after you're gone, gone, gone.

When you fall like a statue
I'm gon' be there to catch you
Put you on your feet, you on your feet
And if your well is empty
Not a thing will prevent me
Tell me what you need, what do you need

I surrender honestly
You've always done the same for me

So I would do it for you, for you.
Baby, I'm not moving on
I love you long after you're gone.
For you, for you.
You would never sleep alone.
I love you long after you're gone
And long after you're gone gone gone.

You're my back bone,
You're my cornerstone
You're my crutch when my legs stop moving
You're my head start,
You're my rugged heart
You're the pulse that I've always needed
Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating
Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating
Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating
Like a drum my heart never stops beating

For you, for you
Baby I'm not moving on
I love you long after you're gone.
For you, for you.
You would never sleep alone
I love you long after you're gone.
For you, for you.
Baby I'm not moving on,
I love you long after you're gone.
For you, for you.
You would never sleep alone.
I love you long, long after you're gone.

Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating
Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating
Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating
Like a drum my heart never stops beating for you

And long after you're gone, gone, gone.
I love you long after you're gone gone, gone.

Thanksgiving

I was so moved by that workshop a few weeks ago that I promised myself not to wait until my dying days to do those things mentioned. I went home for the holy week. I did that to be able to save. However, I spent even beyond my budget. Out of nowhere, I just decided to gather my relatives and close family friends on Easter. It's a thanksgiving celebration, which was 2 mos overdue. Thanksgiving for the promotion I had. I couldn't celebrate here in Cebu because, I know, not everyone is happy and supportive of what I accomplished. So I celebrated it at home.

I am happy to have celebrated it. It's not always that I get to gather all the significant people in my life. Especially those who have been there from the start. People who have witnessed all my highs and lows. People who are always looking forward to what's next in my life. People, who always believed in me.

I am not a very expressive person. I don't often say my appreciation. I hope with the little celebration I had yesterday, they felt my appreciation.

Thank you Lord for the continuous blessing.

Bakit Ka Hindi Crush Ng Crush Mo?

I promised to do a lot of introspecting during this long weekend. However, I can't focused that much because I do a lot of house chores being that there is no househelp. But in the spirit of proactiveness, despite doing a lot, I inserted this aim of mine. The best thing I could do is read while being our store's tindera. The book of my choice, Bakit Hindi Ka Crush ng Crush Mo by THE Ramon Bautista. Actually, I already read the book. But I opted to read it again because the first time, I was so in denial of everything that was written. I didn't take his words seriously.

The book was written to answer questions commonly asked by those whose love are unrequited. When to draw the line between love and friendship? When to fight and not to? When to risk it all? And a lot of other things. The questions were not written the way I stated it, but somehow it can be summed up to those.

I did not read the entire book again. I skipped some parts, parts which I believe I still remember. I can't help but laugh at what was written. The book itself is funny but I laughed more at how true the contents were. How I can relate to all that was written. On how similar I was to the characters mentioned. It's comforting to know that I am not the only one who went through all those things. There are others who have been through worse yet they have survived. And it makes me feel that after all, I am always left with a choice. In the end it is I who decide on what shall I do with my life.

What I realize, despite all my childish ways, I have grown. I have mature. I take things the way I should. I loved though I may not have been loved in return or the same way. I will still love. And someday, I know I will love and be loved.

So I don't bother myself with the above question anymore. I get that no matter how hard you try, if the person doesn't like you or love you, they never will. So why bother? Instead of focusing my energy to things I cannot control, I might as well do better to those that I can.

Bakit nga ba hindi ako crush ng crush ko? Ewan ko, tanong mo sa kanya? :P ahahahaha

You Gotta Work It Out

There are things that I am really so lazy about. Things that would really take a lot of convincing before I'd do. Things that I'd rather pray for a miracle to happen than actually take action for it to happen. I will not enumerate those things though because if I do I will just magnify the laziness. :P

But of course, I know, miracles don't just happen. You have to take action for them to happen. And slowly I am taking actions. Perhaps, I already took a lot of lazying around and now it's time for me to work on the things that I want. Take control of those I can control.

This Holy Week, I aim to take reflections. And hopefully, at the end of this, I can bring a better me to my team, and to society.

As my friend told me earlier, I gotta work it out.

Moving Forward

In my email communications lately, I seemed to have favorited a phrase; Moving Forward. It's my way of trying to divert the negative tone of each email to something positive. I never thought that answering emails can be very draining. Esp that not everyone is supportive.But what does it really mean to me? Am I truly moving forward? Am I ready to move forward? If I truly assess where I am right now, I could say that I am.

I had this wonderful conversion with my pals earlier. I openly talked about Bo's. And that's one good sign that I am truly moving forward. No bitterness anymore. I can laugh about everything already. What struck me though during our conversation, was when I admitted that I miss him. After all, we were friends. And I'd like to believe that we still are. Maybe, I pushed him away with all my kadramahan. I tried to reach out. I am reaching out. But perhaps, he moved forward a little faster than I had. Maybe, just maybe, we cannot be the way we used to be. And that is something that I cannot control. And I accept that.

To you my dear friend, if you happen to read this, I miss you. I really want to know how you are doing with everything. I hope that time will come when I can easily just strike a conversation with you without having to worry if you'd respond or without having to seem pathetic. I miss you. I miss you. I still love you, I guess that will not change. But I am not in love with you anymore.

So, moving forward...

I'm Scared to Death

Last Thursday, I attended a supervisory skills enhancement workshop. It was my first supervisory skills training. And I love the timing because I want to enable myself to bring my team to a new level. That is, I want them to be empowered, to be proactive individuals, for them to achieve their personal goals at the same time, be of better service to our customers. But of course, before I can uplift them, and bring them to where I want them to be, I have to look at myself first. What I liked about that workshop is that it started with exercises of introspecting. Yeah, I usually practice that. I always look at myself, my motivations, my strengths, my weaknesses. Perhaps, because of everything that I went through. All of the bad decisions, the failures, I get to see things differently. 

One exercise we did was, if I only have 30 days to live what are the things I will do?  I did not take that exercise seriously since it was a group activity, but what stuck to my mind was all those things listed there were things that I can do on any regular day. Things that I chose to let go because I have different priorities. Or make that my priorities are unset. I go where the wind takes me, no questions asked. I tend to forget. 

At the end of that day, what I realized, I'm scared. I'm scared to death. I'm scared that i neglected a lot of things, that I cannot turn to them anymore. I'm scared that I rejected a lot of people who loved me because I was to busy waiting for someone to love me. I'm scared of not finding love anymore. I'm scared. And slowly, to end this fear, I try to reach out to people. I try to reach out to friends. There are those who don't reach back, perhaps they don't care anymore. But that doesn't matter anymore. As long as I did try, I cannot be scared anymore.

Not Worth Your Time

I came across a quote which can be summarized as "If he cares, then he'll call. If not, then you are not worth his time." I laughed after reading this. I think this is particularly true. I'm so pathetic to be actually writing about him again. But to be honest, this is my way of coping and truly understanding. Or maybe just to get my mind off other things. I am just so stressed today. The day didn't start out right. How can others not be professional? Yeah, we are a young team but we are not dumb. Why can't they not take everything personally? This is just work. I am just glad I did not snap earlier. I'm sad though that I wasn't able to defend a colleague. I was so pissed that I diverted my attention in an instant. I didn't listen to the discussion anymore.

What I realized today, it helped that I am a product of Jesuit Education, a product of Xavier University. It really spelled the difference on how I deal with things.

Hayyys...

The Call

Before I left for Palawan, I did something I didn't expect I would do. It was unplanned and the urge just came out of nowhere. Perhaps it was because the night before I felt like I was going to die. I called him. I didn't have any particular thing to say. I didn't even have anything in particular to ask. I just miss him. I miss talking to him. I even miss writing to him. I know I am in the cycle of a never-ending reasoning with myself. What I did wasn't wrong but I wasn't supposed to do that. But I was glad I did that. At least I got to know how he has been.

I wouldn't deny that I still hope that he cares. That one day he'll call for no reason except that he misses me. Crazy, right? But then I realized, why would I stop hoping? Why would I stop caring? Why would I stop loving him just because he can't feel the same way? At least, I am not not praying for him to have a bad relationship with his girlfriend. Hahaha Which I will never do. And it never crossed my mind. 

Again, it hurts that he can't love me the same way. But I am not gonna torture myself  by suppressing whatever it is that I feel. As a lesson from our Sales conference, it is time for me to break free to break through big time. Meaning, I allow myself to express whatever I feel so I can truly break free and finally open my heart for a new love.

I just am glad I called him. :)

Going the Distance

Things right now are just so hard to take in that I'm again into that Love Stories movie marathon habit. It's my way of destressing that well, ends up with me feeling all alone. Twisted, right? But that's how twisted my mind works at times. Oh well, most of the time. Perhaps, I can never do away with being hopelessly romantic. Or maybe, I am still not giving up on love. I am still hoping to finally be with that person I am destined to be with.

I am often told that I can never find him because I have closed my heart. I still am not over with a past love. They could be right. I am still not over with it. But I am not closing my heart to any possible new love. Problem is, there's none right now. I am not in a hurry though (even when I should). Someday, in someplace, I'll find him.

I'm just curious, what will my life be if I ended up with that past love. I was so engrossed with loving him that I didn't consider our situation. He's there, I'm here. If we were actually in a relationship, how are we going to get through given the distance? How will we make it work? When with just being friends, I am missing him terribly, how much more if he actually feels the same way? My love is real, but will it be strong enough?

Oh well, so much questions. But I guess, the bottomline would be, Love, no matter the situation, will always find its way. We maybe miles apart but we'll find a way to bridge that distance.

I miss him. Someday, I hope to be able to tell him this.  I know I shouldn't be missing him anymore. And I shouldn't be loving him anymore. But I miss him (terribly) and I still love him. I cannot tell him upfront though. And I am not even allowed to tell him. This situation is twisted. Yes, I go on with my life. I am moving forward. But there's this nagging feeling of something that's lacking. There's a void in my heart. 

Anong Nangyari Sa Ating Dalawa?

Para maiba lang, susubukan kong magsulat gamit ang Pambansang Wika. Kinakabahan ako kung mapaninindigan ko ito. Pero ika nga, di ko malalaman kung hindi ko susubukan.

Anong nangyari sa ating dalawa? Ito ay ang kantang nanalo sa isang patimpalak sa telebisyon. Gustong-gusto ko ang kanta. Hindi lang dahil sa maganda ang pagkakaawit pero dahil sa kung gaano katagos sa puso ang letra. At gusto ko rin sagutin ang tanong. Anong nangyari sa ating dalawa mahal kong kaibigan?

Ang laki ng pinagbago ng kung ano tayo. O baka dahil ako ang nagbago. Walang nagbago sa nararamdaman ko. Kaibigan ka pa rin para sa akin. Natatakot lang ako o siguro nahihiya. Nasanay kasi ako na ikaw takbuhan ko sa halos lahat.  At ayoko nang masanay. Alam ko kasi na hindi sa lahat ng oras andiyan ka. Alam ko na kung anong konting oras meron ka pagkatapos ng trabaho mas ilalaan mo sa isang tao. Ayoko na dumating yung panahon na mas masasaktan ako dahil nasanay ako sa kung ano tayo.

Matagal na akong sumuko. Paulit ulit ko itong sinasabi para tumatak sa utak ko. Para hindi ko makalimutan. Ang hirap. Ang hirap ng ganito. Gusto kitang kausapin pero nagdadalawang isip ako. Ang dami kong gustong sabihin. Gusto ko marinig boses mo. Gusto kita makita. Pero hindi pwede. Parang mali.

Sobra na siguro kitang namiss. Hindi ko na maintindihan kung ano ang nangyayari.

Weddings

I love weddings. I used to say that I do not like it because I always feel jealous but deep within I know that I love that event. C'mon it's the most vivid expression of love(unless of course those few cases of arranged marriages).  What I even love more about it is when the couple make their own vows and share it.

Yesterday, I was able to witness a wedding of two people I don't know. I knew of them because an officemate is the mother of the groom. And I personally met the groom just the night before the wedding. We accompanied him in a til-dawn drinking spree. Glad I didn't get drunk because we had another drinking session. What's happening to me?

Anyway, the wedding was simple yet fun. Their love story is fun. I got too emotional during the ceremony that I cannot think but think of my own. Yeah, yeah I have a wedding in mind. And I am excited for that day to come. Hahahaha But I know it will not come anytime soon. Mailap si partner eh. But I sincerely pray for that person to come. As what my friend said, I deserve someone who will love me and be loyal to me.

Soon. Soon.  

It's Not About the Money

I am often asked of when will I leave or make that when will I resign. And I cannot give a definite answer. Yes, I have had my rants at about work. And yes, I almost gave up for so many reasons but most esp because I am not paid well. I work like a horse and yet I don't get what I deserve. But why am I still staying? There are so many opportunities that will make me earn more. There are opportunities for me to grow professionally. But again, why am I still staying? Simple. I don't want to jump to another unless I have left my mark. As the cliche goes, it's not about the money. I may not be earning like what my colleagues are earning but I would like to believe that I earn more that the monetary value of their compensation. This is not to compare, but just to point out that right now, this is where I am needed. This is where I can help hone others while honing myself. I want to leave my mark here.

I don't want to put to waste the "waiting" that I did. Slowly, my potentials are recognized and rewarded. It pays to wait, I guess. I'm thankful that eventhough my new appointment created a stir to those who first knew and will create a stir to those who will know, I am placed in a position where I can do more. Where I won't stagnate and will continue to grow.

In the end, the best rewards are those money can't buy.

Thank you Lord for another blessing. :)

How's Everything Going?

How's Everything Going?

This is a question usually asked to initiate conversation. In vernacular, Musta?

Someone asked me this question earlier and it's something that I really needed. For days, I kept on ranting on how heavy things are for me right now in terms of work. C'mon the transition is hard. I can carry the workload but I'm having a hard time dealing with people's reaction. The gap was somehow lessen because they had fun laughing at my wasted moments. I am torn. I understand them. I know where they are coming from. But they have to learn to accept things. I guess management saw my potentials that's why I was given the post. And I appreciate that and I deserve that. I am torn because I'd like not to hurt but I also want to discipline. I really don't know how to start. I have a lot of things in mind as areas for improvement. But I cannot implement it alone. 

I really wanted to shout this morning when I heard that side comment. It was unfair, uncalled for, and it invites trouble. 

As my friend told me, I did not do anything wrong so I shouldn't be guilty about anything.

To that someone who asked me the question. thank you...

Wanted: Stay!

I already stopped my stalking habit and I removed all possible temptations to stalk. But somehow fate has a way of allowing me to see and know things. I came across two songs posted by someone in FB. And perhaps because I am so into my emotions right now that I get to relate to the lyrics. I can so relate to the point that I can't help but cry.

"Not really sure how to feel about it
Something in the way you move
Makes me feel like I can't live without you
It takes me all the way
I want you to stay, stay
I want you to stay, ohhh" - Stay, Rihanna

"'Cause I wanna wrap you up
Wanna kiss your lips
I wanna make you feel wanted
And I wanna call you mine
Wanna hold your hand forever
And never let you forget it
Yeah, I, I wanna make you feel wanted" - Wanted, Hunter Hayes


There's so much meaning in these songs.

Sometimes you get to the point where you want to also feel wanted, needed. That at any moment you are away, you are missed. That people get to wish that you stay in their lives. And I guess I am at that point right now. I'm done with wanting people to stay. I'm done.

Pwede ako na sad karon?

Someday

Today is not yet the someday that I had hoped for. That is why I seem so fucked up with a lot of emotions. My heart and my mind are so stubborn to accept the way things are now. They seem to what to make things complicated that it ends up complicated. Even if what I needed to  do is just simple. Just to let things be and move on. But if I really think about it, it's really not easy. And this is all my pride talking. I think I did a lot of eating my pride before that I cannot swallow it anymore.

I hate being in this situation because I always fight with myself and end up confused. I know what's right but I refuse to do the right thing. It makes me really crazy and I don't want to be crazy. I always have this fear that whatever I do, it would all seem wrong.

What I really hope for is that someday, I won't hurt anymore.  :(

Sleepless

Perhaps I am really bothered that's why I have a hard time sleeping. There are so many things running in my head. There are so many things that I need to do and I don't know where and how to start. My promotion has such an overwhelming impact in me that I have a hard time absorbing it. Especially that I became a subject of others ridicule though I don't have anything to do with management's decision.

My life will be very busy with the transition. I am expected to absorb everything in an instant. I don't want to think that I am alone in this. I pray that I can count on my officemates to support me. I don't want to go through what others went through because they were promoted ahead. I did my job well and I guess I have proven enough.

Bless me with the strength and energy Lord to cope with the demands of my work. I have a very rigid schedule next week and the weeks to come.

Thank you for the very productive Sunday morning. I value more myself now than ever.

Wasted

Last night was so much fun. It was an unforgettable night. Bosses were with us to chill. And a few of us got wasted. I got so wasted that I vomited and vomited. I even can't stop talking. The last song I remember singing was a thousand years and the next thing I remember is that I was already eating noodles.

The first thing I did when i woke up this morning was check my FB. I was online last night and I kept on checking my account. I did a lot of clean-up because I posted a lot of things that  shouldn't be posted. I checked my msgs to someone and boom I messaged him. And though there was nothing to worry about the msgs I sent, I even apologized, I am just not sure if there were msgs I sent and deleted afterwards. I have this fear that he is mad at me because he didn't respond. There's no way for me to know if I said anything not nice. While I was talking to my boss earlier, she said that I said things about him last night. Gosh.

It's been a while since I talked to him and yes I miss him. And I have this feeling that he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. I admit that I don't initiate conversation with him anymore. I made it a point that I only talk to him if he talks to me. It was my way of slowly detaching myself from him. And it hurts. It hurts a lot. I want him to still be a part of my life. I want him to stay. But I guess we both are keeping distance from each other. I just pray that this will not take long. Because it will hurt all the more.

I don't want to get wasted anytime soon.

Valentine's Day?

For the hopeless romantic like me, Valentines is a day to really look forward to. I remember in previous years' Vday, I had that fantasy that someone will surprise me and sweep me off my feet. None of my fantasies went real though. Except for that one Valentine. When this month started, me and my close pals already planned on what to do this day. We already anticipated that we don't have dates today. Hahaha 

And true enough nobody asked us out. No bitter feelings though. Personally, I didn't expect even greetings. And I didn't end up disappointed.

But of course, I am still a girl. I won't deny that I envied those I saw dating and those who posted that they received flowers and gifts. Even my officemate had a lunchdate and a stuffed toy from his boyfriend. I just appease myself with the thought that time will come and someone unexpected will sweep me off my feet and make me forget all those dateless Valentines.

Thank you BFB for the rose and thanks Bata and Bartey for giving way and allowing me to bring the rose home.

Happy Valentine's Day! 

Deputy Manager

I had a one-on-one discussion with my Big Boss this afternoon. I anticipated a heated discussion but it turned out otherwise. Perhaps because she started it with praising me on how much I look younger now that she almost didn't recognized me. Maybe because I was in a happy disposition. Thanks to exercise my endorphin is high. Or maybe because I didn't want anymore any negative things when it comes to work. I had this resolve to give this company a chance and to give it time. After all, not all good things come in an instant.

The bottomline of the discussion is that I'll be formally taking on a higher post. It's not entirely different from what I am doing right now but I'll be taking care of other people's career growth. I waited for this and suffice to say that I have sacrificed a lot for this.  Am I ready? Can I take on the challenge?  I know I can. What I am apprehensive about is that my promotion will hurt other people's ego. I am put in a position where I need to balance/bridge management and staff. And right now a lot are having issues with management. I just really hope that people will not take things the wrong way. 

KAya ko ni.

FEEL AGAIN

A friend introduced me to this song by One Republic. And I liked it. It somehow summed up what exactly happened 3 years ago.

Heart still beating but it's not working
It's like a hundred thousand voices that just can't sing
I reach out trying to love but I feel nothing
Oh my heart is numb

But with you
I feel again
And with you
I can feel again

I'm feeling better since you know me
I was a lonely soul but that's the old me
A little wiser now but you show me
Yeah, I feel again
Feel again...


Yeah, it's no news of how broken I was and I never thought that I'd learn to love again. I went through that stage of not feeling anything. I pitied myself because somehow those I loved always found a way to betray and break me. I was literally lonely and was just shadowing my heart with pretenses of being happy. Until he came. What I felt for him is something I never thought I'd feel. And it wasn't forced. I didn't force myself to love him just for the sake of telling myself that I am capable of love. And yeah, those moments with him were moments that I was completely myself. NO pretenses. I wasn't afraid to show him the real me because I wasn't afraid that he'd judge me. But yeah things didn't end up the way I wanted. And yeah, there were a lot of emotions that exploded. And yeah, I am broken. 

But well, that's life. Things doesn't always go as you want it to be. For what reason, who knows?

I don't want to think that I am exactly on the same phase 3 years ago. I don't want to think that my heart's not functioning. But suffice to say that I suppress whatever feeling I can suppress. I don't pretend to be perfectly fine because I am not. But I don't like to ruin myself and my relationships just because I suppress my emotions.

My heart is still beating but it's not working. Soon I can undo my voluntary suppression of my feelings and truly feel again.

Love Doctor

It's love month. Next week it'd be Valentines and as always it'll just be an ordinary day. Hahahah bitter mode. Me and my single officemates even plan to pig out as a way of celebrating the bitterness. Hahaha No bitterness actually, we are just looking for some reason to pig out. And I am kinda worried because it hasn't been a week yet but I guess I already gained. lol

Anyway, what I really want to write about is on how I love being the love doctor. Yes, yes.. I don't have a  lot of experience but I guess I can very well relate to those who are hurting right now. It's like I can put some sense into their head because I am going through the same thing. These past few days, a friend reached out quite unexpectedly. I know it's hard for him to be busted by the one person who he expected to understand and accept him esp at this point in his life. Esp that he was given high hopes that there was a chance. It's like a double edged sword crushed his heart. I know that what he is going through is hard. They agreed to stay friends but it is as if it was just for the sake of saying that they stay friends. The girl kept her distance and found someone else to love.

I told my friend that after that "let's stay friends" conversation, there could be distance. Some sort of adjustment for the other to not give hopes and the other to not give wrong signs of pursuing. It's hard because feelings don't fade easily. And no matter how mature the persons involved are, there are just some emotions that can be controlled and must be allowed to flow to avoid one from exploding.

I don't know if I gave all the right words to my friend. But I guess he understood esp that he knows I am going through the same. And I am glad that I was there for him.

People have different ways of dealing with a broken heart. And how long the healing process will be depends on that. But the bottomline is, a listening ear who knows exactly how a broken-hearted person feels can aid in the process.

Oh well, the love doctor in me. :p