Communication

One area that our team needs to improve on is communication. Sometimes, we get too comfortable with each other that we automatically assume that our msg are conveyed even if we just say it in passing or even if we don't say it at all. This is a big challenge for me. I need to urge the team to practice proper communication and I need to practice it myself too. I sent an email to the team re this one and only one responded. I am not sure if they got the msg or if they took the msg seriously. I just hope that they did. I have high hopes to better improve the team. But then of course I cannot do it alone. It has been months since I took this post and I am not so sure if I am effective with what I am doing. I ask for other's feedback but what they give me does not suffice as a proper evaluation of my performance. Too bad there isn't someone who can mentor me. I need some guidance too.

When I decided to transfer, I knew that I'll get the post. But more than getting the post, my deciding factor was the fact that I had two people to back me up. My support system. I can't seem to feel that now though. I feel that I am left alone. And honestly, that fact seems to weaken me. I just force myself to stay strong because there are others who depend on me.

Oh well, I pray for improvement.

Babe

Terms of endearment are so sweet. Even if it's so corny at times, can't deny that it gives one that kilig factor. Esp if it is use not out of habit. I saw a friend's post calling someone babe. My initial reaction was, ah ok, there could already be someone else. Until I noticed that it could have referred to a man. I felt weird at first but I let it pass until I had the chance to ask him. Wala ra ko nataranta but if it were a girl, for sure mataranta ko. Hahaha Not that I still feel the same but more like, I still want to be in the loop. I want to know who the next person whom he'll fall in love with as I was totally clueless of the last. I won't deny the fact that I still care. I don't want him to be in any way hurt.

I'm glad of the conversation we have had. Chill lang. And I'm glad that I was able to open up. After all, only a few people know about how I truly feel about RG.

Anyway, i'm excited for that moment to come when someone would call me the sweetest endearment there is. I may again be in a one-sided love situation but I am not giving up on love yet. I am not at all bitter. Someday, I know, that someone will come.

Unimportant

Just the other day I posted on FB this, "Thank you for deliberately making me feel unimportant". I've had this feeling for quite a while now. I just exploded. Thus, the post. I don't blame the person for making me feel this. In the first place I can't demand care or affection from him. I'm just so stubborn . Perhaps, I just find it so unfair. If he can be so caring and thoughtful to others around us, why not me? Even at the level of friendship. Though I understand. He doesn't want me to give meaning to any affection he will show me. Thus, not giving me any affection at all. I just find it so weird.

I guess I just have to truly understand the way he is and how uncomfortable it is for him to not show he cares even if he really does. And I need to understand also how I feel and why I am going through this. I just feel so alone these days. My way of diverting my thoughts is reading Harry Potter. It feels like I am always left behind. Oh well.. I am confused. I'm so alone. I am not ok. But I can only rant about it here.

Oh well... On to my Harry Potter reading.

Positive

I have that tendency of being so overly dramatic over something I don't have control of. Most of the time I refuse to accept things esp those that are not in my favor. I admit that I got so overly disappointed over something. It was hard for me to accept that I have to be alone again. But after giving it much thought and with lots of prayers, I have come to terms with the fact that it was bound to happen. It just happened a little earlier than expected. 

I will miss him. I got used to waking up every morning knowing that he's just in the other room. I can sleep soundly at night knowing that I am not alone. I felt secured. But then again, I cannot hold him. I don't have that power. I don't have that right. He maybe someone whom I depended to for a while but that has just to stop. I need to be more independent.

Yes, I love him but I am not in love with him. 

Surprise!

I often say that I love surprises. Sweet surprises that is. There are just surprises that can alter your world so much that you end up confused and not know how to move forward. A big surprise came my way yesterday. Though I wasn't the one directly affected, it hit me bigtime. One, because it changes work structure. Second, i'll miss the person terribly. He'd be away for quite a while and maybe for good.
Though I know I have to eventually learn to let go, I just can't get over the fact that I'll be alone again. I mean, the one comfort that I don't want to lose is not going home to an empty place. It's a life that I dread. But then again, I need to understand that there's a WILL that's bigger and far greater than mine. I may not grasp it all now but hopefully soon I will. As a friend told me, someday, it'll all make sense.

I need to gather myself together now.