Somebody's Me

Somebody's Me... I just heard this song earlier today and I can't stop listening to it. I have it on repeat right now actually. I am just so drawn to the song. Perhaps it points out to some of the feelings I feel right now. I love someone dearly and it's so hard because I can't tell him and I can't even show him. Circumstances just don't permit. I'm proud to say that I can now control my feelings. I allow my brain to function and reason with my heart, But it's hard. It's hard that I can't freely love him. That I just have to be contented with us being friends. That I just have to be contented with silently caring and loving him. It's hard most especially because I know he can't love me back and he cannot treat me the same way as he treat others. There will always be barriers. There will always be boundaries. There are so many things I cannot risk.

It's a daily struggle to not in any way show my feelings. It's a daily struggle not be jealous. It's a daily struggle of not being down because of knowing that all the beautiful things coming out of his mouth are not for me. It's a daily struggle of not being hurt because I am the person he'll never miss.I'm not part of his circle. I'm not part of his world.

My prayer at church today, is that I won't get tired of loving. That I won't give up on loving. I may have learned to control my emotions but I am actually getting to that point of not feeling anything. I don't want my heart to be numb. I don't.

To the person I love right now, I love you. I just say it here. I'll just wish someday, I can tell you freely.

Crystal Formula

For the past few weeks, I've been busy working on some crystal reports. I did some troubleshooting of reports I did not make. I also created reports from scratch. These were very draining. Even if I like what I am doing, at the end of the day I get tired. There's just too much that the body and mind can do. I get a certain high though every time I get to finish one, esp if I get to fix one.

What I like most in creating crystal reports are the formula and/or condition that comes with it. If only I can apply these formula to my heart, then I would gladly use it.

I had this conversation with a friend earlier. Matters of the heart again. Not mine but hers. Though we ended up talking about mine. I realized that I totally learned to suppress whatever it is that I feel. I don't nourish it. I don't allow it to grow. It's because I know that the person my heart is longing for definitely cannot give back what it wants. Is it a good thing? Is suppressing my feelings a good thing?  In a way it is. At least I don't do crazy things because I don't feel it. I am afraid though. I am afraid because suppressing it means that I don't allow myself to feel anything nor to express anything. I don't want to come to a point where I would feel a very big void in my heart.

If only.

if whatheartfeels = loveforhim then suppress else express

Laughter is the Best Medicine

I've been very sick lately. Must be the weather. But even if it wasn't due to the weather, I would still be sick. I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders because I was so down. But then again nature has its way of healing me. I am not totally healed yet but I am getting there.

I guess the saying laughter is the best medicine is true. I am glad that I am surrounded by people who never fails to make me laugh. It always is a joy. It allows me not to dwell on the downs of my life or of my situation. Yeah, there are moments when I feel so alone esp that I am away from my family and I don't have someone. But then again, as a friend told me, if I just focus on the things that I need to do or the things that have value, then more likely I'll easily get over with any negative feeling I have.

I love the way I am laughing now. And it's good that I don't necessarily have to be in love to laugh this way. ;)

Of Notebooks and Pens

Even until now, I still am not over that habit of buying Notebooks and Pens I don't even use and sometimes,I even forget that I have. I don't  anymore remember how I started with that habit or why I developed it. I just know that I find comfort in these things. They just take my blues away.

For the past week I just felt so alone. Even up to this moment. I guess work pressures are taking its toll on me. And I cannot freely express my frustration because there are others who are depending on me for strength. The one person I so often run to, somehow, is not there anymore. He is keeping his distance. I know it's my fault. I went overboard of telling him too much that's why perhaps he sensed that being near me or getting close to me will do more harm than good.

I don't blame him. Sometimes, the only way to tame me is to leave me. But it hurts. I feel so alone. And when I feel like this, I know I can't be as effective as I want to be. And I can't be productive. I don't get things done.

I bought two pens and  a notepad today. I wanted to buy more but I just controlled myself because I need to save.  And I guess it's noteworthy to say that I over ate. I am officially stressed. I am officially alone. But I know I cannot dwell on these.

Tomorrow is a new day. I need to start. I have to start.

Alcoholic

One thing that I really don't want to be is an alcoholic. Ever since, I am not a fan of alcohol. But yes, I do drink once in a while as a show of respect during night out with friends. The other night, we had this instantaneous drinking session because it's holiday the next day. And I was really psyche to drink because I was so disappointed with the Game Night results. Imagine, our team didn't even score. Gosh, talk about worse. Anyway, I gave my word to drink a set (6 bottles) and my limit is just 3. I kept my word, so i ended up drunk. Oh well, not so drunk because I slept. They were all so busy, so I slept. Haha

One thing about that night though that I can't forget is how I was able to control my emotions. In a typical me-drunk scenario, I let all my emotions out esp if I am going thru something. Maybe I've changed. Maybe I now know better. Yeah, disappointments shouldn't be an excuse for me to drink. To drink hard for that matter. But at least now I know how to control my emotions. I revealed a secret that night to someone. And I did that on purpose. I want to create the impression that I trust people cause I also want them to trust me. It maybe too much to handle for that person but at least she knows already.

I learning. I'm growing. I'm more mature. I know how to control my emotions whether drunk or not.

I can't make you love me

Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't

ohhh these lines. It was very timely for me to have heard this song. I won't deny that I am very bothered these days. Perhaps it is because I am trying to suppress what I am feeling. And it manifests. I get jealous and my jealousy haunts me in my dreams. As RG told me, I am not very careful so he finally concluded. Whatever his conclusion was, I don't know. I just hope it won't lead to him not talking to me.

Yes, I told myself to just love him as is because I know I can't make him love me. Finding someone to love is not on his priority list and even if it is, I don't fit the description of someone he'll fall in love with. It's not that I am looking down at myself. It's just that I know that I can't make a person love me if he don't. He can't make his heart feel something it won't.

Oh well, I guess I just have to focus on living, on being alive. And that would mean giving joy to people around me. 

Loving You

Work had been so demanding. I can still cope but I get so tired at the end of the day. And in moments like this, I get to think of wanting to go home to someone. Someone who at one glance can make my mood lighten. I still don't have that someone yet. I mean I don't have anyone to go home to right now. I don't pray for it but I just know that he will come at the right time.

I am just glad that though I am away from my family, I am not alone here. I don't go home to an empty place.   I mistook this gladness for a romantic feeling. Yes, I love this person. I am so glad to have made that move of transferring here and having him as a housemate. If this feeling could blossom into something more, I don't know. If it will, then I will let it be. But for now, I will love him as is.

The Case of the Deactivated Facebook Account

I didn't have time to browse thru fb this morning because I was so busy with work. It was just a few hours ago that I noticed that he wasn't on fb anymore. I noticed because he wasn't on the list of people I frequently chat with. Then I checked and confirmed it with a friend. So , he posted that he would deactivate. For what reasons, something to do with people posting nonsense.

The big question now is, am I affected? Am I saddened? To be honest, at first I just thought it was weird. It just sinked in now that the slightest possible way to communicate is eradicated. I'm sad. Fb was the easiest way to communicate with him. And our communication isn't even frequent. Yeah, there's viber and even we chat or skype even. But then again, we don't communicate through these anymore. If I call or message he doesn't reply. I'm saddened by this. Even if I understand that people can move on with their lives and not look back. Even if I understand that he chose to move forward without bringing me in his new circle. Even if I understand that he chose to forget about me or disregard me. Even if I understand, it is still sad and it still hurts.

Oh well, I need to move forward with my life too. But I choose not to disregard him. He is still my friend. And we may not talk and we might not see each other anymore, I know he has a place in my heart and I know I will still care.

I just hope he is happy.