Movie over me

I know my reasoning can be so twisted at times but that I think it's a little less twisted this time. I'm not the gf so I don't have the right to get mad. But that act, in this kind of set-up, can really trigger that fear monster inside. It's really very petty, if you come to think of it but then again not.

Perhaps it's a function of how he got used to things. Oh well. I'm disappointed. I'm saddened. Can this really work?

Is It Possible

Could you possibly develop liking for someone you haven't even met? Is it defying the norms if you do? Or is it already acceptable because of technology?

I am known to always defy the norms. I am not your typical conservative girl. Yes, there's still a manang in me but there are things (perhaps because of societal influence) that I don't particularly live by.

I raised those questions because my mind and my heart is in a constant battle lately. You see, the love story that could possibly unfold is not what I have imagined mine to be. Well, I didn't have a love story that followed my fantasy. But this time, it's very very different. Imagine someone claiming to love you despite not seeing you except for all the pictures you have in FB. Imagine someone planning out a future with you despite not having even spent a single second with you. All the things he knows about you are the things someone told him about you. And all the things you've fed him in all your conversations. Could it be true? Could the love be possible?

My mind says no and I have all the reasons. But my heart is inclined to believe, that it's possible. 

I don't love him. Not yet. But I am keeping my heart open to all that he can possibly give. In time maybe. In time I can reciprocate. Let's see. It's midyear already. It'd be December soon.

Naniniwala Ako

There are times that you get so emotional over things that you really shouldn't be. There are moments that you get so afraid over things that you really shouldn't be afraid of. There are instances that you cry over things that, well, there's really no point of crying over. And I am in that state right now. I'm writing so that suffices as an explanation.

I'm not sure why I am going through this now. Perhaps, there are just so many unresolve things in my head. Crazy. I am usually like this when in love or brokenhearted. But I'm neither.

Crazy times.

Day 2 - When Being Single Really Sucked

There were so many instances that being single really sucked. But instead of enumerating those, I'll focus on the now. Probably this moment would qualify as such. I think I can also couple that with when being an only child sucked.

I can take being questioned why am I single. I can also take thirdwheeling. But what I cannot take at most times is not having someone to take care of me when I'm so vulnerable. When I am the one who needs caring too.

I need some taking care right now. To at least help ease the burden I am carrying and to help ease my worries.

Oh well.

Day 1 - Why Am I Still Single?

Your response to everyone’s favorite question: “And why are YOU still single?”

Haha. I've been asked this question several times. I remember writing a related post. I admit getting pissed at some point. But as years went by I learned to just smile and be cool with it.

I really don't know the answer. All I know is that I still wait for that moment when I can finally be with that person I am meant to be with. It is not an easy journey. It wasn't. I had moments when I thought I was with the right person. It may not be an official relationship, but it was an almost. I had my world revolve around those people. I think I might even pursued some. But in the process, I was hurt. I was afraid. I might even have rejected those who showed interest.

And now, I'm back to that moment of waiting. The difference now is that I can somehow reason with myself. I remember almost exactly a year ago, I was in an almost relationship. It didn't progress. Somehow the person had other priorities. And until now, he still has other priorities. Perhaps that's the reason. It all boils down to me wanting to be with him when he clearly doesn't want to be with me. 

I try to fight that feeling. I do. I get affected everytime I am teased. I get pissed actually. Because it brings back feelings that I have clearly haven't moved on from. And I am trying. I'm trying really hard. I am not exactly sure how I am doing it but I do try.

Back to the question om why am I still single, again I don't know. All I know is I don't want having those pity eyes on me. Those words that would tell me how in a pitiful state I am because at this age, I am still single. It's not helping. 

I pray though that there will come a time that those who tease me and pity me because I am still single, wouldn't anymore. Yes, I can reason with myself more now. But there are times that I get so vulnerable. And this is one of those times. 

30-Day Blogging Challenge

I got inspired with Mandy Hale's blog (thesinglewoman.net) that I decided to accept the blogging challenge.

I wouldn't claim that I am a very good writer but I love to write. I would admit that I express myself best through writing. So I will give this a try. Who knows, at the end of this challenge I would have a deeper self awareness.

Here are the topics.

The Single Woman’s 30-Day Blogging Challenge

1)      Your response to everyone’s favorite question: “And why are YOU still single?”

2)      Describe a moment or a day when being single really sucked.

3)      Describe a moment or a day when being single was really awesome.

4)      Your biggest fear as a single person.

5)      The biggest misconception you think people have about single life

6)      Sound off on the quote “Every woman has the exact love life she wants”

7)      Where you are in your life vs. where you thought you would be at this point

8)      Five things that are most important to you in a future mate

9)      Your favorite “weird/funny single behavior” – Anything you do that is uniquely YOU and that living alone allows you to do (For example, I sometimes dance around the house with my cat to Frank Sinatra)

10)   Google the meaning of your name and talk about how it fits or doesn’t fit you

11)   Your worst/funniest/most embarrassing date

12)   Your proudest accomplishment

13)   Describe how you met the last person you texted and talk about your friendship/relationship

14)   Describe the last moment you felt really, truly blissful

15)   Narrate a conversation between you and someone in your life who you never had closure with (a friend, an ex, a family member, etc.) What would you say? What would they say? What outcome would you hope for?

16)   If you planted a time capsule right now of your life to be opened in 20 years, what would be in it?

17)   What are your spiritual beliefs and how do they impact your relationships/relationship status?

18)   If you could have a conversation with yourself in high school, what would you say?

19)   What is something about you that people would be surprised to learn?

20)   Describe your most difficult breakup and what you learned from it

21)   How would you pitch a reality show about yourself? To what network?

22)   What fictional character in a movie, tv show, or book do you identify with and why?

23)   Talk about a moment when you got annoyed with a married friend, a person in a relationship, or a person with kids (Be honest! No judgment!)

24)   If you could relive ONE day of your life, what would it be? And would you change anything?

25)   Describe a moment when you “paid it forward.” What happened and how did it feel?

26)   Name a song that makes you cry every time you hear it and why

27)   Talk about something that you really, really, really love about yourself.

28)   Describe a moment when you made a big, bold move. In any area of life: Career, Love, etc.

29)   Who is your closest or most special friend that you’ve never met and what do they mean to you? How did you cross paths? Talk about how you “met” them: Facebook, Twitter, an online support group, etc.

30)   Write a letter to your future mate saying whatever you want to say

I'm excited. 

That Bitter Pill

In a phone conversation, Sir Chris made me cry. He threw several questions at me and it felt so heavy that I cried. As I was processing the questions and trying to come up with answers, I knew that I was at fault. And that truth is a bitter pill to swallow but necessary.

And though I am not saying that I am totally ok already, I made some realizations while reading a book, having my lunch, at that place where I got my heart crushed almost a year ago. It's hard for people to understand why I still haven't totally moved on from that. From time to time, I joke about it when I am teased. And I would think that I am already over. For the several times that I declared I've moved on, I was wrong. And the circumstance that we are in, is one of the reason. But moreso, I guess, is because of who I am when I choose to love a person.

We work in the same company. And though we might not be in the same office, I would get to work with him. Whether it be in person or thru email or phone calls. From that conversation, I knew I did a lot of crazy stuff. I did even asked for a second chance. But he was firm. The saying that when a guy says he don't like you, he means it, applies to him. To be fair to him, he didn't give me any reason to believe that there's still a chance. It was me who held on. And I am still holding on even if there's nothing to hold on to anymore.

I held on. I caused my own heartache. I always expected that at least I would still be special to him. That he would still care. If I am special or if he cares, I wouldn't know. He doesn't seem to show interest to spend time or talk when we get to be together. And it hurts because, he shows that interest to others. He didn't call me on my birthday but he called and greeted someone else in front of me.

But then again, I don't have the right to expect anything. We're not lovers and I am not sure where we are with our friendship. Perhaps, he doesn't trust me anymore. And it's on me. I wasn't very careful.

So it is all self inflicted. But I am not saying that it was that the whole time. From time to time, I get to get it off my mind. I was ok with the situation. But since it was something that I juts hid somewhere deep within, there are triggers that would cause it to resurface. And this is one of those.

I am under great stress and I lack rest. There are a lot of things going on and the pressure's so high and I am barely coping. And then there's this opportunity to be with him. I was hoping to find comfort in being with his company. But it didn't happen. No how are you's . No dinner. No lunch. No time spent together. And very short interactions. And it was all about work. And so it all piled up. I felt so down and I didn't care if I was so gaga during our videoke session.

I loved him and I love him still. I feel that we are so different in so many ways. But my heart chose to love him. I chose to love him. And I stand by that choice. But yes, I've got to move on. And that I will do. How? I need another cup of green tea to think of that. :p

Seriously. I need to stop getting jealous. Meaning, I need to stop thinking and believing that I am at all important to him in whatever aspect. I need to see that because that is what he consistently show. I don't need to be rejected all the time. I need to learn to brush off the teasing and the questions. I need to stop seeking for his approval. If there is one thing I realized today, it's that, unknowingly, I wanted him to believe in me and in what I do. I wanted him to rally behind me. But it isn't the case. And I get disappointed every time. And it is wrong. I don't need his nod to believe that I can do what I am ought to do.

This wouldn't be an easy process. I would have my ups and downs. I may stray along the way. I would need help. But I know, in the end, everything will be just fine. I would be stronger. I may love him still but the longing wouldn't be there anymore. If he suddenly change his mind? I'll cross it when we're there.

I might just start a diary as suggested by Bianca Gonzales-Intal in her book Paano Ba To. A diary to mend the heart until the entries would be happier stories of moving on outcome.