That Bitter Pill

In a phone conversation, Sir Chris made me cry. He threw several questions at me and it felt so heavy that I cried. As I was processing the questions and trying to come up with answers, I knew that I was at fault. And that truth is a bitter pill to swallow but necessary.

And though I am not saying that I am totally ok already, I made some realizations while reading a book, having my lunch, at that place where I got my heart crushed almost a year ago. It's hard for people to understand why I still haven't totally moved on from that. From time to time, I joke about it when I am teased. And I would think that I am already over. For the several times that I declared I've moved on, I was wrong. And the circumstance that we are in, is one of the reason. But moreso, I guess, is because of who I am when I choose to love a person.

We work in the same company. And though we might not be in the same office, I would get to work with him. Whether it be in person or thru email or phone calls. From that conversation, I knew I did a lot of crazy stuff. I did even asked for a second chance. But he was firm. The saying that when a guy says he don't like you, he means it, applies to him. To be fair to him, he didn't give me any reason to believe that there's still a chance. It was me who held on. And I am still holding on even if there's nothing to hold on to anymore.

I held on. I caused my own heartache. I always expected that at least I would still be special to him. That he would still care. If I am special or if he cares, I wouldn't know. He doesn't seem to show interest to spend time or talk when we get to be together. And it hurts because, he shows that interest to others. He didn't call me on my birthday but he called and greeted someone else in front of me.

But then again, I don't have the right to expect anything. We're not lovers and I am not sure where we are with our friendship. Perhaps, he doesn't trust me anymore. And it's on me. I wasn't very careful.

So it is all self inflicted. But I am not saying that it was that the whole time. From time to time, I get to get it off my mind. I was ok with the situation. But since it was something that I juts hid somewhere deep within, there are triggers that would cause it to resurface. And this is one of those.

I am under great stress and I lack rest. There are a lot of things going on and the pressure's so high and I am barely coping. And then there's this opportunity to be with him. I was hoping to find comfort in being with his company. But it didn't happen. No how are you's . No dinner. No lunch. No time spent together. And very short interactions. And it was all about work. And so it all piled up. I felt so down and I didn't care if I was so gaga during our videoke session.

I loved him and I love him still. I feel that we are so different in so many ways. But my heart chose to love him. I chose to love him. And I stand by that choice. But yes, I've got to move on. And that I will do. How? I need another cup of green tea to think of that. :p

Seriously. I need to stop getting jealous. Meaning, I need to stop thinking and believing that I am at all important to him in whatever aspect. I need to see that because that is what he consistently show. I don't need to be rejected all the time. I need to learn to brush off the teasing and the questions. I need to stop seeking for his approval. If there is one thing I realized today, it's that, unknowingly, I wanted him to believe in me and in what I do. I wanted him to rally behind me. But it isn't the case. And I get disappointed every time. And it is wrong. I don't need his nod to believe that I can do what I am ought to do.

This wouldn't be an easy process. I would have my ups and downs. I may stray along the way. I would need help. But I know, in the end, everything will be just fine. I would be stronger. I may love him still but the longing wouldn't be there anymore. If he suddenly change his mind? I'll cross it when we're there.

I might just start a diary as suggested by Bianca Gonzales-Intal in her book Paano Ba To. A diary to mend the heart until the entries would be happier stories of moving on outcome.