It has just been days since we last talked but I cannot explain why I miss you this much. It's a tiring feeling actually. And it's a cycle I don't want to go through again. You know that fear that if I don't reach out first, you won't reach out. And that I cannot reach out first because I don't want to be pathetic. And you know that feeling that everytime you remember it's because you don't have anyone to talk to anymore. I'm just your last option. The extra in case of emergency. This is driving me crazy. And I know that some words I am saying are just plain rubbish and are poor judgment of you. And I hate it.
I am your friend and I know it isn't right for me to judge you. Yet I am. I am mad because I love you. I love you still even if I shouldn't anymore. Missing you isn't good for me. Hayyysss.
If I have one wish this Christmas it would be for my heart to completely let go of loving you. I know that you cannot love me the same way. I know that you don't care. I have to completely accept that. I have to stop that cycle of me waking up everyday with a hope that there's a touch of you remembering me in any form possible. I cannot break my heart everyday anymore. I have to stop loving you so I can stop missing you.
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