2012

After a day of struggling to fight the sadness I'm feeling, I am still unsuccessful. I even kind of shrug off someone when he greeted me happy new year. That's how bad my not being in the mood is. And so to take a little step further to gaining my sanity back in 2013, I am starting yet again an attempt to look at how my 2012 had been. And why am I starting this article with pics? Well, just to show that I can still smile despite what I'm feeling. The first and the last pic says it all.

I cannot say that 2012 is my best year. What I can say is 2012 had given me the opportunity to reassess where am I, how I feel. With all those plane rides I had, who wouldn't be able to think. It was only in May that I haven't been on a plane.

January started on a very sad note. A colleague, who I later learned was just my age, died on a very tragic car accident just a day before his 28th birthday. Though I didn't dwell much on  the negative side of it because he was one of the most positive person I know. The night before he died he even ym'ed me to remind me to redirect my focus so I can be more productive. In 3 days time it'll be his first death anniversary, he may have had a short life here on earth but I know it was a life well lived. To this day, all the learnings and the goodness he shared are still remembered.

I know I am not much of a positive person. Though I really am trying to. I know I dwell too much on how I was hurt and how life and how people are just so unfair to me.

February and March didn't help much on my resolve to be more positive. I was super used and abused work wise. I was such a bitch during these times because I was so full of anger but I cannot say no to work. I didn't have the courage to anymore fight for my rights yet I take it on to others the anger that I felt. And I did binge on food. That time it was all the comfort I know. I am a fighter and I fight for my rights but there are moments when I'd rather give up and stop. Especially on times when my voice will just fall on deaf ears.

My first quarter reminded me of how unhappy I am of where I was and that I needed to take on a different path. But while I was contemplating on that path, April halted me and begged me to give work another try. I was promoted (though no major impact on salary). I decided to stay on account that they gave me the promotion that I wanted.

Before April ended, I was transferred to Cebu temporarily to help out. This was what I wanted. I want to be away from Davao because it had become a sad place for me. And I know I will continue to dwell on the sadness of being alone had I stayed in Davao.



May and June were not much of a challenge and I got bored. So bored to the point that I really really binged on food that I was on my heaviest and unhealthiest. I was even hospitalized and weighed 80kls after. Imagine that. This is one proof that I am a person who easily gets bored. I shouldn't be doing the same things again and again, else I get lazy and the result isn't always good.

July marked the start of my long stay here in CDO. I am always grateful that we were able to close this project so I can be with my family. Despite my frequent fights with my parents, I know I will always want to be near them. Perhaps, this is the reason why I don't have enough willpower to work abroad despite the offers and the promise of bigger compensation.

July and August were wedding months, Carlo and Lalaine's, Angel and Daffy's, and Amparo and Drew's.  Weddings are always a happy occasion. Though it can't be helped that I get to envy them because they are already settling while I haven't even began yet. I often say that I am ready to get married. But I guess I still am not. I still have to mature.

September was the start of my conscious effort to lose weight.  If I am to be an inspiration to others, I might as well start with myself. I need to be healthy. Well, to date I already lost 10 kls and I am more than determined to lose 13 kls more.

October, my birth month. This is supposed to be a happy month but it was the opposite. But most of the lessons I learned in 2012, I learned this month. I was made to feel the most unimportant person and my feelings don't matter, that I don't matter. Though I cannot blame the person for making me feel this. I cannot force him to love me or to even just care. What happened was such a big blow on my being that to this day, I am still haunted by the pain. It's so easy to say to just let it go and move forward. For several instances I guess, I've said that I'm ok. But then again, feelings can sometimes play a trick on you. It can suppress and pretend that everything is alright until that one trigger factor that can awaken it again. And my trigger just happened yesterday.

November was my escape from it all. I went on a well deserved vacation in Ilocos. I passed my certification exam and I was like a child again at Enchanted Kingdom. In the midst of all life's craziness, sometimes you need to escape so you can be whole again.

December was just a chill month and suddenly it ended with a bang. That trigger I mentioned earlier? That was the yearender blast 2012 gave me. That even until this very moment I haven't recovered yet. And I don't know if I'll ever recover. I am at a point where I ask myself if I should be a friend to him? or should I be a friend to myself first? Can I afford to lose him? If I keep my distance for a while, will he still be there when I return? I don't know which will hurt more, him not loving me the same way or losing a dear friend?

My 2012 may have ended on a sad note and I guess I'm on the verge of losing my sanity because of the many questions running through my head, I am still grateful to be given another chance, another year to live my life. And perhaps already serve the purpose I am bound to serve.

I pray though that I won't give up on loving. I know I am tired and I am still in deep pain. I pray that I'll eventually overcome this.

Dear 2013, pls bring my sanity back.

Dear Love, pls be good to me this year.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!