The Year that Was

It's still the 30th of December but I already feel the need of writing this yearender note. Actually, this is just my way of letting my feelings out right now. I feel so broken. And I am mad at myself for allowing this to happen. I woke up unusually early today. And since I am so lazy to get out of bed, the first thing I did was register to unlinet (which I already planned to avoid network traffic). And so as what I usually do, I opened facebook first and there... a big big bang to the heart. The very first post I saw was a his and her pic. I know it should be anticipated but I hadn't anticipate my reaction. It was like a bullet hit through my heart.  And like a bigger blow to myself, I posted a status which again I shouldn't have. I was and I still am so sad. Perhaps, my heart knew that this was coming. His declaration of love to her (and broadcasting it). This is the reason why I've been dreaming of him and I've been terribly missing him. This is literally a fear that came to life and I don't know how I can face it or how can I cope with it. I did not message for fear that I might say things I'll regret. It's all my fault and I've got no one to blame. But I need somebody else's strength because definitely I cannot face this alone.



I met with my best friends today and I am glad that even for a while I was able to forget this sadness and I thank them for listening even if I didn't really share everything. But now that I am all alone again, I am reminded of all the pain I felt and still feel. From the time he told me, to the time he neglected me, to this day. Yes, I did this all to myself. I allowed this to happen. But then again, I just loved. I loved him dearly, honestly with all that I can, with all that I have. And obviously he gave his love to someone else.

Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. And I can rant about this again and again and again but I know I won't be fine still.

And I can't write the note I was suppose to write. I am just so sad. I do hope that tomorrow I won't feel like this anymore. So my yearender note won't be as sad. I want after all to welcome 2013 on a happy note.

I am giving up on love. I don't want to love again. I'm tired of loving. I cannot take anymore pain. I can't.