Peace and Quiet

It has been a week since I deactivated my FB. People thought that I deactivated it because of Bo's but actually it's not just because of him. FB had become a constant source of heartache for me. I see conversations, pictures, and status updates that makes me question myself, most esp question my judgment. I know I shouldn't but I am. It's not healthy for me anymore. And I would say that deactivating it helped me this week. I loosened up and somehow there's peace and quiet in my head.

But I know I have to activate soon. It's my best mode of communication with friends. It's my best way of knowing how they are and how they've been.

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Last week I overreacted on something. Or make that, I was in deep pain that I wasn't able to hold back tears. It was immature and selfish in a way because I didn't give the understanding that I should have given. Though I am thankful that it happened. At least, it changed my perspective on things and gave me a firm reason on not to be dependent on people and address my jealous nature. I admit that I am a very jealous friend, esp if I feel that you treat everyone nicely except me. Esp if I see that you allot time for everyone except me. I have overcome this jealousy with some of my friends but it took time and circumstances allowed for that jealousy not to be triggered. Among my friends now, I am mostly jealous because of BO's and RG. And it's not because I am in love with them (I'll write about RG some other time). I admit that I long for their attention and time. And I long for it even more if I see them giving it to other people. Crazy? Yes, it is. For Bo's, for quite a while I overcame my jealousy but it was triggered again. For RG, he's just so distant. And you know that feel that you miss him even if he's just right beside you? Faet.

I am afraid to lose them. That's a fact. Yet I know I couldn't hold them should they want to leave. After all, people move forward and bring along with them those they only need.

It's a sad thought that I don't matter. This is not about self-pity or what. It's a fact. I just don't matter to some people and they deliberately show that.

Oh well. On to my search for peace and quiet.

Broken

If there's one person who has the power to break me over and over again it's Bo's. I don't know why but it has been that way ever since. It's like a constant battle for his attention and affection. I am a very understanding person and I understand him always. However, this time, I cannot seem to find the right reason to make myself understand. And honestly, I'm broken by the circumstances. And I can't stop my tears from falling. Somebody asked me these:  what did he do? Is his fault that grave? Or you are just selfish? I asked him to expound on the last question, because perhaps I am. Perhaps because of the pain I feel, I am reduced to being narrow minded that I can't see reason anymore. Perhaps I am too selfish that I only care about how I feel.

I wanted to see him badly. That's a fact. I understand that at that time he really can't. Though he could have had told me ahead so as not to put my hopes high. He went home to CDO, I expected that. But how unfair can circumstances be? How can we not be in the same place at a time when we could meet? Then again, the horrors of his return home last year came to mind. We were at the same place, but I seem to have begged for the time. As a friend told me, kung gusto may paraan. Kung ayaw, maraming dahilan. And even up to this moment, I am still hoping that he'd surprise me and visit me here. But then again, he just told me that he's boarding to Manila. Pathetic me.

I cannot blame him, of course. Who am I that he'd go out of his way? Who am I to be given attention? Who am I for him to waste his time, esp at this time? Sorry for the negativity. But if I come to think of it, perhaps I was wrong to assume that I matter to him. Perhaps, I was wrong to believe that. Perhaps, I was wrong to give so much importance on myself. He even forgot to greet me on my Birthday right? Again, I may be wrong to judge. May be he's going through something. And what kind of a friend am I to not understand that. But I've got feelings too. And all the while that I tried to converse or reach out, I was rejected. And that hurts. And I guess I've reached my tolerance for pain already.

Selfish na ko kung selfish. Di ba diay ko pwede masakitan? Di ba diay ko pwede magreklamo na dili na nako kaya? Dili ba diay pwede na mangayo sad ko og understanding panagsa?

Emotions

I am in that cycle again of getting hurt over and over because I never learned. I understand that I cannot force myself to people's lives because they don't want to. But despite that understanding, I cannot help but be hurt. It's a tiring process of being rejected. It's a tiring process of people making me feel unwanted. It's a tiring process of emotional torture. Though as much as I want to detach myself from these people, I can't. I don't know why I chose to hold on to people when they already had let go of my hands, when evidently they don't care anymore. I don't want to cry anymore. I'm tired. I'm tired.

He's the One

I'm a sucker for romantic movies. And at the very state I am in right now, I badly need a romantic movie to kick me out of the corner I am sulking right now. And yes, I didn't want to watch alone. I don't want to be that much of a loser. So I invited friends to watch She's the One. It's a typical story of best friends falling in love but too afraid to admit to each other that they do. That it took another person to come to their lives before they realized that they are meant for each other. But no matter how typical the story is, it was a fun movie. And again, it did help me to at least move a little from that corner I am sulking in.

I don't deny that I am at my lowest right now. I didn't expect that I would feel this low only because this person I long to be with doesn't give a damn about me. And that he deliberately makes me feel that I am a nobody. I know, I know, I shouldn't be going through this mess right now. But I am. And I know this is such a shit. I'm crazy. This is crazy. I am 29 and yet I don't act my age. From the start, I know he wouldn't feel the same way but I still pushed it. Crazy. Stupid. But I love him. If you come to think about it, I don't know why I am holding on. There are no moments to hold on to. There are no shared feelings to hold on to.

Perhaps I am just in this crazy habit of inflicting pain in myself. Emotional torture that is. The tears I cried last week was just too much that I don't want to feel that again. It's bad enough that he doesn't care. I need not subject myself to additional torture of crying over him. It's just too much.

I must keep in mind that he is one person who is not willing to move even a stone to understand how I feel and still remain friends. Am I too judgmental about him? Maybe yes. But I guess I need to be that brutal to save myself from any more pain.

If he's the one for me, then I guess everything will fall into place. But it didn't. So I guess he's not.

Oh well.

Somebody Forgot My Birthday....

I woke up with a smile on my Birthday. I made an effort not to feel bitter that day even though I know that my ultimate wish won't come true. But I did wish that the second one. That is, to be made feel special. I am away from my family and most of my friends. And I know they can only do as much. But I'm me, so I still wished for that. And thankfully, that was granted. My officemates surprised me with a bouquet of flowers (29 roses-very symbolic), balloons, and handwritten notes. And I didn't hold back tears. I really cried. It was a first.

I enjoyed my day even if I had meetings that day. Even went to a client for a meeting. Prior my birthday I was so overly dramatic. Another year, another year. And yet I haven't found my partner yet. If I check on the grand picture of where I am in my life now, that's the puzzle miss that's missing. Good thing, I am already 29 and I can already reason with myself. I can say I have mature in dealing with these stuffs.

One thing that puzzled me and still puzzles me is why a specific someone failed to greet me. Though he's not obligated to, I just find it quite unusual. I know he remembers my birthday. What could have had possibly happened why he failed to greet me.

Oh well, it's still a happy birthday. I got drunk, by the way. :P

Sept 26, 2009

It's been four years. I laugh, I smile at the memory. It was on this day that I admitted to myself that I had a thing towards BOs. It was such a happy day because finally I've let the feelings out (at least to myself). Four years after, of course, the feeling is not the same anymore. And honestly, I don't question the what if's. I'm glad that I am ok with what we ended up to be. I am happy that until now we're friends. He is one of my most trusted person. And even if we don't talk that often (I think he deactivated his facebook again). And even if there are things about him that I don't know of anymore. I can say that we're good.

I am excited to see him. I am looking forward to that day that he'll visit the country. I am looking forward to where he's going to treat me. Hahaha Kidding aside, I miss him. No matter what happens, he will forever hold a special place in my heart.

Oh, the memories. 

Crazy

I don't know what went on with me last friday. I guess it was a combination of being alone, missing him, frustration and disappointment with my boss and with work. I snapped. I feel so helpless that I am away and at the same time disappointed that I cannot entrust some things to who were left. Much worse, it was the company's 2nd anniversary and while they were enjoying, I am here alone. And worst, he surprised everyone with his presence in Cebu. I so miss him. I miss talking to him and seeing him. Setting aside what I feel, his the nearest person I can talk to about anything and end up laughing to the core. I hoped for him to be back, and he was. But I'm not there. And I guess the wish of being with him on my birthday won't  come true. 

I know I overly reacted. Turning off my phones and all communication lines. But it was my release. And I think it was good in a way. I was able to affirm that nobody cares. At least in my immediate environment. Nobody cares. It's a wake up call not to depend on people. All they need me for is to help them with work. They don't care if I'm already tired or fed up with all the demands. I was just too good to them.

I guess it's in my nature to give more than I can. But everything has its limits. And I've reached mine. Perhaps it's high time for me to give myself some consolation. I deserve some rest.