the heirs

When it comes to watching series, I have this habit of doing marathon. I don't have patience of waiting for the next free day for the next episode. Though it is impossible most of the time to finish in one sitting, I try to finish the soonest possible. I don't want to be left hanging. And so this weekend, I finished the heirs.  It's a koreanovela about young love that initially cannot be because of circumstances. I'm amazed at how I can still be moved by stories as such. For some parts of the series, I actually did cry. I thought I am already past that cry baby stage. There is nothing with it though. I'm just amazed at myself. Hahaha

At around ep 17, I took a break and checked my blogger. And was surprised to see a new entry on a friend's blog. I got excited actually. It's been a while since his last post. I was bothered after reading his post. That I texted him after not minding that it was almost midnight. I'm worried up to now but I guess he doesn't want to talk . He didn't respond to my message earlier.

I felt his frustration. For him to consider breaking a rule, something bad must have happened. I went through the same.

He mentioned something that I told my boss weeks ago. I told my boss to allow me to charge activities related to evaluating existing processes, if it still works or if it really worked in the first place. At least now, I have a lot of references already.

I remember when I transferred to Cebu last year,  there were so many things that needed fixing. It was tough. As much as we wanted to cover everything, there were limitations. We had to prioritize and we had to make do of what we had. I can say that there were improvements. Especially if you talk about working as a team. Fast track to today, something must have happened along the way that somehow made almost everything to not fall in its proper place. And I feel like it's all in my shoulders.

I am all for change, esp. if it brings good for everyone. If I am to borrow LAL's words,  if we want different results then let's do away with status quo.

I have so many things in mind to put everything to order again. To achieve better results and most importantly for the team to find value in what they are doing. For them to see and feel the worth of their function and the personal benefit they get. It saddens me to actually hear just one person say that she loves her job. And that person is leaving. The irony.

I know I am not in my best shape right now. But regardless of my personal issues, I know I have a responsibility to the team. I cannot fail them. But I cannot do it alone. Someone has to compliment my weakness, if we are to achieve the goals we have set and more.  Fortunately, there's someone who can help me with that. We had an initial discussion last week. Though we don't agree in most points as our style and personality differs, we have the same end goal. And we make each other understand and see the value of our points. I can't wait for his return.

The change we made last year is the status quo of today. So it is time for something new.

I am excited for the end result.

just a dream for now

I want to take a break. I want to travel. But I cannot afford for now.

How nice it would be if i can take days off and just enjoy at another place.

Medical Procedures

I had my Annual Physical Exam this morning. I forced myself to go because it's a requirement. I really do hate check-ups, esp if there is a blood extraction or any procedure that requires needle after. I have a high tolerance for pain. I just don't like needles. Hahaha

Anyway, typical of any packaged and company sponsored PE, they just provide the standard. If there is nothing wrong, then that's it. When you judge me by my weight, you'd say I am really unhealthy. But I don't usually get sick. So often, test results for the packaged tests won't show anything wrong. I don't know what came to me, but I had the courage to ask the doctor if I there are tests I can take to check other possible illnesses. Since my father was just recently diagnosed with Cancer. And so, my doctor recommended that I do have endoscopy and colonoscopy. Hahaha Imagine my reaction after. I kind of expected the recommendation but when it was said, I was like a child about to be vaccinated. I wanted to run. I told the doctor if I could just have blood tests. She just laughed.

Anyway, that's it. I need to go back to the doctor and schedule those procedures. I won't feel any pain because I would be sedated. I want to go home for this. I need to have some company when I undergo this process. What if they see something like what happened to Papa? Who would the doctor call and talk to? Waaahhhhh

I'm positive that they won't see anything. Hahahah I'm just being a kid with this one. I need my papa and mama.

Rain Check

This is a tumblr entry from two years ago:

Rain Check

It all started with a question of why I chose a picture as my profile pic in Facebook, then it ended up with him saying that if I like it then it will work. It was just a typical conversation but it was the push I needed. It answered why don’t I write anymore, why am I in my current state, and why can’t i move forward. Ikaw ba naman ingnan og you should know. Yeah, I should know.

I never really wanted to leave teaching nor leave Cagayan de Oro. The decision to leave was based on all the wrong reasons. Simply put, I just wanted to escape. I was so hurt and I felt so empty that I thought I would be unfair to the institution and specially to my students  if they had a teacher that was so lost. I was unfair to my parents though, l didn’t give them the chance to prepare. Mura lang ko nananghid magmall. Two years after, I can’t say that I didn’t regret my decision but I am standing by my decision. After all. the damage has been done. I miss teaching big time. And even at 27, I’d rather stay with my parents than live in boarding houses somewhere else. 

—

WHY DON’T I WRITE ANYMORE?

Or make that, why can’t I write anymore? 

I am not a writer really. I am not the grammar or vocabulary savvy person. But I used to have journals. I can express myself better in writing. But for the past two years, I seem to have lost my touch. I tried to write. I would buy nice pens and notebooks (a week ago I just bought one) so I would be inclined to write but I can’t even consume five pages. And it would take me longer than the usual to finish something. I even attempted to maintain a blog or blogs but I end up forgetting that I have one. Even that blog intended for one person. Someone had to remind me that it was still up. 

And the answer to the question is,  I wasn’t inspired. My muse bailed out on me when I made that drastic change. Or rather, I completely blocked my muse’s dusts. I created a shield so inspiration wouldn’t hit me. WHY? Because I got tired of pouring out everything yet ending up being judged and not understood.

Crazy, right? Yeah, I am that crazy.

WHY AM I IN MY CURRENT STATE?

I am at my “unhealthiest”. I gained more than ten kilos in two years.  I attribute it mostly to the kind of work I have. It does not allow me to move much and it cause me to binge (on food) because of so much stress and pressure. I can’t say that I don’t have the time for exercise. I can if I want to. But I chose not to. Though once in a while I run or take long walks, I wasn’t consistent. I’d rather lie down or sit just browsing or watching movies. 

And the answer to the question is, I was so consumed with being alone. I embraced it so much that I didn’t want to break the routine of home-office-home or lie-sit-lie. I didn’t realize it but Davao was such a sad place for me. I didn’t have friends (except for my officemates). But I can’t go out much with them because they have kids or other things to attend to. I am used to being surrounded with a lot of people and of noise. I am used to going home late not because of work but because of laag. Laagan kaayo kaha ko. And it all abruptly stopped when I was in Davao.

WHY CAN’T I MOVE FORWARD?

This is vague. But actually I am moving forward with my life. It’s just that I am moving in all directions that I end up still in place. I am sort of tied up that even if I wanted to let go, I can’t. Not just yet. I have to finish the commitments I made.

—

I am in no better position than I was two years ago. I am still hurt and I still feel so empty. But I guess the past two years taught me enough to not escape this time. Even if I am very much tempted to. I am not the wisest person in the world and surely I am not that full of wisdom. But I guess I am mature enough to know that I can’t just go on running away if things goes out of hand or if things are too painful to bear.

Yes, it hurts me when I am made fun of because I’m fat or because I am still single. I can laugh with all the jokes but sometimes it is just too much. It hurts me when people deliberately lie to me. It hurts when people abuse my goodness, esp by those I consider friends. Though I can’t totally blame them because I allow them to. But I wish people should learn when to stop. 

Yes, I really want to quit my job. Not because I don’t like it but because I feel like I am abused. I am good with what I do. And I do finish my job despite my rantings.   But all of my efforts are unrecognized. I am not quitting though. I signed up for this and I will honor what I signed up for.

Yes, the person who told me that I should know all these is the same person who caused me to run away. And no, I don’t blame him. He didn’t do anything. I was just so stubborn and unreasonable that time.

Yes, I loved that person. And I love him still. But no, there’s no more fantasy of having a fairy tale ending. 

Yes, I love myself more now. And I have a renewed self-esteem and self-respect. 

I may have taken rain checks before for the things I should have done but was so lazy, so afraid, so uninspired to do but I will do them now. Not "tomorrow?" as what my friend jested earlier on my remark sagdi lang maniwang lang jud ko, because all will go through a process. And this is a start.

stupid

My friend wouldn't tell me what's goind on with her because she finds it stupid. I had a hunch on what it was but i still prayed that my hunch would be wrong. But sad to say I was right after all. It just took me 2 bottles of t-ice to throw that question I didn't dare ask.
It has been an unspoken rule between us. We don't talk about the love of her life as it had been a source of misunderstanding lately.
I feel my friend's pain. And I don't like seeing her in her current state of brokenness. There was a point that I intentionally stayed away because I couldn't take the things she's doing. She's in love but she is so broken. It has been going on for so long that it isn't good anymore.
I can't do anything about it as it is her choice. She don't talk to me about it anymore because she's protecting the other party. And even if I don't do anything, I usually take the blame if that other party feels down. As if it was my doing.
I should understand. As I also have been through unrequited love. It is not an easy process. I am just thankful that I was strong enough to handle the pain without destroying myself. And I am thankful also that those people I love helped. They kept their distance long enough to allow that initial step to moving on. But didn't leave me as I have asked them to.
But for my friend's case, I refuse to understand. Though technically, all the burden and pain is carried by the one loving, the one who is loved should take action too esp if they are friends in the first place.
Anyway, no amount of justification or explanation would make my friend understand my point. We'll just go through the same cycle of hurting, drinking, crying. Our other friends even kid earlier that we'll still have the same session a few years from now, and my friend will still cry and talk about the love that just can't be.

I sincerely pray that she'll get over the love as soon as possible. She has a great future ahead of her. She's smart, talented, driven, and certainly has lots of potential. I don't want her to get too broken that it would be hard to put the pieces back together.

Hopefully, she'll see the light that will make her realize life's beauty despite not getting the love of that other person.

Oh well.

Programming

I'm always looking forward to new learning. I am lazy in terms of physical exercise but I'm never lazy for mental. And I am glad that this opportunity to learn was opened. I have something to look forward to this November.

Coming Soon... Java and VB.Net.

Aja, Byang!

Walis-Walis

Ang saya lang ng naging laro kagabi. Ang dami kong tawa. Ang pinapahulaan ay Waling-Waling, eh hindi kilala ni Jackson kung ano yan. Hahaha Ang ginawa, sounds like walis... Kaya naging walis-walis. Hahahah Buti nalang naisip ko yun.

Ang sarap lang sa pakiramdam ang tumawa. Sana ganun nalang palagi. Sana may mga bagay na makakapagpatawa sa akin. Mababaw lang naman kaligayahan ko eh. Madali lang naman sana. Desisyon mo naman yun na maging masaya. Di lang talaga maiiwasan minsan na umasa ka na maging masaya ng dahil sa ibang tao o dahil sa ibang bagay. 

Kung kilala mo ang sarili mo, alam na alam mo yung mga bagay na yun o kilalang kilala mo yung mga taong yun. Masaya ako kapag nakakausap ko mga magulang ko. Masaya ako kapag nakikipagbiruan ako sa mga kaibigan ko. Masaya ako kapag nakakalaro ko mga aso ko. Masaya ako kapag nakakabasa ako ng magandang libro o artikulo. Pero may isang bagay na nakakapagpasaya sa akin na nakukuha ko lang sa piling tao. Nagdudulot sa akin ng kaligayan na makipag usap sa tao na kaya akong barahin. Na kayang ipakita ang mali sa pinapaniwalaan ko. Na kayang sabihing mali ako. At kadalasan nakukutya ako dahil sa mga taong ito. Kasi binibigyan ng kulay kung bakit gustong gusto ko ang mga taong ito. Pero hinahayan ko na. Minsan siguro talaga sa buhay, hindi natin maiintidihan kung bakit ginagawa ng tao ang isang bagay. Pero wala din tayong karapatan na husgahan. Eh sa kung yun ang kaligayahan nila.

Ang gulo lang ng pinagsasabi ko no? 

Ganito lang talaga nais kong sabihin. Gusto ko maging masaya. At kahit na hindi ito ang pinakamagandang sitwasyon para sa akin, pinipili ko maging masaya. At kumakapit ako dun sa mga bagay na nakakapagpasaya sa akin. Alam ko mawawala yung mga bagay na yun, pero habang andito pa, bakit ko bibitawan? Wala namang masama sa ginagawa ko. Hindi naman ako nang-aapak ng ibang tao.