An Apology

I am so selfish at times that I just dwell on the pain I feel and not think of how I let others feel. And I know I have been so selfish these past few  days. How can I not be happy for a friend who's happy?

The new year message I received from him was so unexpected. It was so heartwarming that the very first thing I did was hug the stuffed toy he gave me and call on his name. It has always been like this between the two of us. I fall into a deep pit of sorrow and he will instantly be there to pick me up. Maybe because my heart knows that he will always be there despite and inspite my dramas, that I actually allow myself to dwell on whatever drama my heart is set to. My heart knows that I can freely tell him everything and expect him to understand. And I guess that is why my selfishness is always heightened, I know that he will understand to the point that I fail to consider how he will actually feel. And I am very sorry for letting him feel the pain that I myself don't want to feel.

We have a very special kind of friendship. He is someone I can totally be honest with and can truly be myself with. He is the male best friend I never had. He may not consider me as a best friend, but that's ok.  Maybe it was wrong for me to cloud our friendship with whatever special feelings I have for him. If I look back, I was willing to let that feelings go to keep the friendship. And I am more than willing now to let it go so I can save the friendship. I have long have accepted the fact that all we can ever be is friends. And to be honest, I am happy that he found someone to give his affection to. After all, I often wish him to find that someone who will love him more than I can ever love him.

What went wrong? Why all the drama lately? I guess it is not anymore about the unrequited  love. It's brought about by how jealous of a friend I am. I am not yet over with the fact that we were not able to spend    time while he was here. Grabe magmahay lang. And though I kept telling myself that there's nothing I can do about it anymore, that life isn't fair, that I cannot demand that from him, I still can't get over it. Murag bata lang? But seriously, it's something that I really need to work on. It's something that has happened and cannot be changed. I need to move forward. And I will, it's already 2013 after all.

I am a clingy friend. And I am very clingy towards him that I always seek his attention. And this, I guess, is probably why I'm always jealous and why I'm always hurt. And this is wrong, I know. And this is something I work on everyday. It took me a while to not be clingy to my other friends esp now that they are away. And  I guess it will take a little more while to not be clingy to him. I shouldn't be clingy to him anymore. I have to give that respect to his girl.

I saw him cry earlier and I didn't want him to cry. And I didn't want him to feel that he caused me pain for he didn't. I put it upon myself. I am so sorry my dear friend.

I thank you for 2012. And I hope that you'll still be there this year and the years to come.

If you happen to read this, call me. I owe you a personal apology.