I'm Scared to Death

Last Thursday, I attended a supervisory skills enhancement workshop. It was my first supervisory skills training. And I love the timing because I want to enable myself to bring my team to a new level. That is, I want them to be empowered, to be proactive individuals, for them to achieve their personal goals at the same time, be of better service to our customers. But of course, before I can uplift them, and bring them to where I want them to be, I have to look at myself first. What I liked about that workshop is that it started with exercises of introspecting. Yeah, I usually practice that. I always look at myself, my motivations, my strengths, my weaknesses. Perhaps, because of everything that I went through. All of the bad decisions, the failures, I get to see things differently. 

One exercise we did was, if I only have 30 days to live what are the things I will do?  I did not take that exercise seriously since it was a group activity, but what stuck to my mind was all those things listed there were things that I can do on any regular day. Things that I chose to let go because I have different priorities. Or make that my priorities are unset. I go where the wind takes me, no questions asked. I tend to forget. 

At the end of that day, what I realized, I'm scared. I'm scared to death. I'm scared that i neglected a lot of things, that I cannot turn to them anymore. I'm scared that I rejected a lot of people who loved me because I was to busy waiting for someone to love me. I'm scared of not finding love anymore. I'm scared. And slowly, to end this fear, I try to reach out to people. I try to reach out to friends. There are those who don't reach back, perhaps they don't care anymore. But that doesn't matter anymore. As long as I did try, I cannot be scared anymore.