til my heartaches end

I am in the mood of sharing old notes. Just like  friend told me, I shouldn't throw away old writings because it could help me better understand myself. I threw away a lot of my old notes, so I might as well share those I still have.

Til My Heartaches End

facebook note
November 13, 2010

after a thorough deliberation, i finally decided to watch kim and gerald's movie. I was never really a fan of the two nor became a fan after watching. What triggered the decision is actually boredom. And,oh well, the fact that I just needed to take my mind of work. And by the way, I watched it alone. I didn't mind. :)
The movie, as I expected, is just so so. It's not even kilig. But, in fairness, at some point, it made me smile and even brought tears to my eyes. 
Somehow I was able to relate. I've had several heartaches. And it wasn't easy going through the process. But certainly there would be an end. Time will come that you can look back to all that you've been through and just laugh. And when the heartache finally ends, when we see the person again, it would be easy for us to smile.
Though I never had a boyfriend, I became like Kim's character at one point. Made my world revolve around someone. It wasn't good. And it is all wrong. But I had to learn it the hard way. 
heart lessons, I already have accumulated a lot. Gosh...


"i'll just keep on dreaming...til my heartaches' end..."

Free Writing at 3 am

Facebook Note
September 24, 2011

"A time for everything and everything in place. Return what has been lost through time and space"

This is a spell from my fave tv series Charmed. I don't know if I got it right but it sounds right. This spell was cast to bring to the present the sisters who were stucked in the past. A past they corrected to save their future.

If only I possess the power of three, I would  go back to my past and teach the young me what to do so I'd be in a better position now.  But unfortunately I don't remember that spell to bring me to the past and I don't have the Book of  Shadows. So I guess I would just have to live and make better what I have. And maybe I need to remind myself that the real magic is not in casting spells but in trusting that there is Someone up there Who answers prayers. 

That French Movie and That Musicale

Today is just a chill day. I opted to just stay home and do nothing. Oh well, I cannot "not do" anything. That is just impossible. So to pass the day by, I started reading this how-to book on success but as usual I fell asleep even before I started the first chapter. And since no one was online for me to chat (except that Jof called for around 10 mins) and since I did too much flooding already on my twitter and facebook timeline and my dogs already got tired of playing with me, I decided to watch movies instead. I was hoping to watch Lord of The Rings Trilogy but I cannot anymore find my copy. So I ended up watching Moulin Rouge (MR) and a French Movie (FM) - Amelie.

I am such a sucker for Romance movies, for love stories even if it doesn't end like in fairy tales. It gives me a certain pinch in the heart and makes me more excited to finally meet that someone meant for me. I am not good in making movie synopsis though, so I am not gonna attempt on making that. But what I would like to share are the things that moved me and made me really think.

The love story in MR ended tragically, the girl died due to sickness. The story was narrated by the guy. And oh boy, you really can feel the pain of his loss and more so you can really feel the depth of his love. I love it when I see how a guy truly loves his girl and would do anything to show his love and fight for it. And I would like to believe that in today's reality men like that still exists. Men who doesn't feel intimated by a girl's stature and believes in his own self. Men who doesn't equate everything with a price and/or money. While it may be true that man cannot survive with love alone but it is also true that you cannot buy love.

BRAINCELLSBLEED

BRAINCELLSBLEED - this is a new term I coined for the mind boggling process I had for the work I was doing. I am not sure if there are others who already used it. I don't want to be charged of plagiarism, so if their's someone who claimed patent to the term, pls leave a comment so I can acknowledged you.

After one and a half working days, I finally was able to finish the report requirement of a client. If you look at the report it's very simple and I thought that making it was just as simple but I thought wrong. I feel so proud that I was able to finish it. And I thank those who tried to help. What makes me so proud about finishing it is in knowing that I still have it in me, I mean I still have in me the ability to really think, really think hard and not give up. And I find joy in seeing the revelations of myself and seeing/knowing it myself without others having to tell me. It really is different when you know who you really are.

And now, I am more excited to see what will the next revelation be. :)

Thank You Sir Lee

Exactly a year ago, an accident happened which caused the life of a colleague. I wouldn't say that I was close to Sir Lee. I didn't even know that we were the same age until we had to fill up his info sheet in the funeral parlour. What I can say based on those few occasions that I was able to work with him and talk to him is he is a good person. I never heard him complain even if he was being pushed to his limits.  Even while it was already early dawn, everyone were tired esp him, he can still cheer everyone up.  And I often say this, he is one of the most positive person I know. And I daresay one of the smartest in his field. Ika nga, iniexplain mo pa lang, may solution na sya.

The Day I Decided to be Fine

Just a few days ago I was so consumed with being sad that I didn't get to enjoy. It wasn't a good thing but somehow allowing myself to wallow in sadness helped me realize what should matter in my life. If this happened a few years back, probably it will take me years to recover. But then, as I often say, I guess it is already a function of age, of time and of experience, that I can choose to get over it. And I did.  There's no point of keeping that sadness because it won't help me move forward with my life. It isn't as simple as I'm saying it right now though but I am taking baby steps. I cannot allow sadness nor hate to fill my heart.

Yes, today I decided to be fine. It's so nice to feel so light and just focus on happy things. I know there will be people who will raise their eyebrows because I made peace with "him" easily. I cannot blame them but I don't care what they say. For I know in my heart that it is want I wanted to do and it is the right thing to do. At the end of the day, what matters to me is that I don't push people away because I chose to be selfish.

:)

An Apology

I am so selfish at times that I just dwell on the pain I feel and not think of how I let others feel. And I know I have been so selfish these past few  days. How can I not be happy for a friend who's happy?

The new year message I received from him was so unexpected. It was so heartwarming that the very first thing I did was hug the stuffed toy he gave me and call on his name. It has always been like this between the two of us. I fall into a deep pit of sorrow and he will instantly be there to pick me up. Maybe because my heart knows that he will always be there despite and inspite my dramas, that I actually allow myself to dwell on whatever drama my heart is set to. My heart knows that I can freely tell him everything and expect him to understand. And I guess that is why my selfishness is always heightened, I know that he will understand to the point that I fail to consider how he will actually feel. And I am very sorry for letting him feel the pain that I myself don't want to feel.

We have a very special kind of friendship. He is someone I can totally be honest with and can truly be myself with. He is the male best friend I never had. He may not consider me as a best friend, but that's ok.  Maybe it was wrong for me to cloud our friendship with whatever special feelings I have for him. If I look back, I was willing to let that feelings go to keep the friendship. And I am more than willing now to let it go so I can save the friendship. I have long have accepted the fact that all we can ever be is friends. And to be honest, I am happy that he found someone to give his affection to. After all, I often wish him to find that someone who will love him more than I can ever love him.

What went wrong? Why all the drama lately? I guess it is not anymore about the unrequited  love. It's brought about by how jealous of a friend I am. I am not yet over with the fact that we were not able to spend    time while he was here. Grabe magmahay lang. And though I kept telling myself that there's nothing I can do about it anymore, that life isn't fair, that I cannot demand that from him, I still can't get over it. Murag bata lang? But seriously, it's something that I really need to work on. It's something that has happened and cannot be changed. I need to move forward. And I will, it's already 2013 after all.

I am a clingy friend. And I am very clingy towards him that I always seek his attention. And this, I guess, is probably why I'm always jealous and why I'm always hurt. And this is wrong, I know. And this is something I work on everyday. It took me a while to not be clingy to my other friends esp now that they are away. And  I guess it will take a little more while to not be clingy to him. I shouldn't be clingy to him anymore. I have to give that respect to his girl.

I saw him cry earlier and I didn't want him to cry. And I didn't want him to feel that he caused me pain for he didn't. I put it upon myself. I am so sorry my dear friend.

I thank you for 2012. And I hope that you'll still be there this year and the years to come.

If you happen to read this, call me. I owe you a personal apology.