How I Wish This is a Love Life Problem

I haven't been really well since Monday. I really am not in my proper elements. It's affecting my performance, esp my decision making. I wish this was a love life problem because that would make it easier for me to handle. The problem is it's not.

One major thing happened. It was my fault. I became too complacent and placed too much confidence on the wrong people and the wrong things. And everything blew right in front of me. I haven't forgiven myself for that mistake. And now I am really falling apart.

It's easy to say to just forgive myself and move on. In fact, that's what I should do. Again, if this was love, I already have done it. But why can't I? Why can't I just forget about it? Because I am having a hard time convincing myself not to doubt myself.

I really need help. I need help.

The Bitchy Valentine's Day

Though I haven't really looked  forward to Valentine's, I wanted it to be at least be a good day. But it turned out to be a bitch. It was my fault. As a lead, I failed to consider the warnings given to me. Actually I failed to consider a lot of things. Perhaps it's because I didn't want to accept the project but had no choice. It's a super heavy weight added on my shoulders. And it came at a time when I am not in my proper elements. I was sick. Well, I still am. I am demotivated. I am out of focus. I am tired.

I don't want to be in this state. I don't want to be on the verge of giving up.

A friend told be to go back to the very reason why I am holding on. But I am afraid that I cannot find that reason anymore. Though I know I eventually have to. I need to get back on track. Hopefully, I'll be allowed to do that in the next few days.

Oh! I'd like to highlight though that VDay did end up well. Thanks to my dates! Perhaps I should write about that. Perhaps it can help me be on track again.

So Sick

I'd say that the worse thing about being sick is having no one to take care of you and make sure you take your meds on time. Hahahahah 

I was so sick this past week and even up to now. But at least I have that firm resolve to get out of bed and move.

I say it's worse because yeah I maybe taking my meds but yeah I don't take those on time so it's basically the same as not taking them at all. I'm not bitter that I am alone but I wish I had some company. I'm taking meds but I don't counter it with the right food. And I am so lazy to go out and buy. Head's going crazy.

I'm tired that I am sick. I need to be well. 

Self-Imposed House Arrest

I was on self-imposed house arrest for 3 days. It's my way of saving. Dieting was just my excuse. Imagine I survived 5 meals without rice. My food intake was just shake made out of oatmeal and milk and the detox juice I made. I didn't feel the hunger but i felt weak. I just slept mostly because I had no one to talk to. I tried working but my mind won't cooperate. I still haven't settled my schedule. The aftermath of the house arrest isn't good. I am officially sick  and I cannot be absent from work. I have a meeting tomorrow and I cannot completely provide an update because the staff assigned was on leave and is still on leave and hasn't provided much of an update prior the leave. I understand her circumstance though. I just am having a hard time managing the project right now given the demands of the other projects. Again, I cannot seem to plot my schedule properly. I cannot be at two places at one time.

I'm trying really hard to squeeze everything in. I want to accommodate everyone. But honestly I am tired. Perhaps my self-imposed house arrest was my way to assess everything. I'm tired and I cannot delegate work because I have trust issues. I tried entrusting work to others and they failed. That's why I hardly delegate anymore. I just hope that I don't give up.

sexy ivy

An officemate calls me sexy ivy becauseof a pic i posted in fb. A pic which only shows my face. I know that there is no truth to me being sexy. I am still far from it. But i am thankful that there are those who appreciates the change in me.

Actually i havent started yet with the plan to go on diet and to enrol in a gym. I actually dont know why i lost weight. Perhaps it is because of the stress i went through. Whatever may have cause my sudden weight loss, i just hope that i can sustain. I'll be 30 this year and i want to make a great change. And it's not for others but for myself.

I told a friend today that i am happy. She thought it is because i found a new love. But of course it's not as i haven't found one. I think i am happy because of the lack of it. I mean, i am not currently in love with someone. I am not actively looking for someone. I am at a point where i can truly say that i am not looking,if it comes then well and good ,if it doesn't then perhaps it is not yet time.

I'm enjoying the single life so that when the time comes that that someone will come, i'll enjoy the life with him completely.

On to the quest of becoming healthy! Being sexy will just be a bonus.

:D

Questions

A lot of questions were thrown at me today. Most were work related because i had a discussion with my boss re my performance last year. Then some general life questions since my learning sessions with Alfie already started.

Two questions that particularly struck me are the ff:

1. Why did I stay with the company?
         This question is often asked to me because it is not a secret that i am not earning what i am supposed to be earning. My answer to this is simple. I feel that i have a mission to fulfill, ie to place everything in order before I leave. I am not the type who measure contentment with compensation. I have had a lot of offers that are way beyond what i currently earn and the workload is not that heavy. I admit that i mostly find satisfaction in leArning and in growing.

2. How old am I?

 It took a while for me to answer. I almost forgot how old I was. I'll be turning 30 this year. And how ironic it is to be told to grow up at this age. But if I come tothink  of it, i've grown. I can truly say that i have mature in almost all aspect of my life. There are emotions that i have learned to control.

As i often say, who i am is now very clear to me.

--

I'm thankful for the questions. I'm thankful for the realizations. I'm thankful for the opportunities to learn and to grow.

gnyt yabs!

There are just things that you know are not worth holding on anymore. Like feelings that are better left unnourished. I just had a talk with a good friend. At least we've settled that part where I felt she abandoned me. And funny how she reminded me to grow up. Considering that i am way older than her.

Anyway, I am thankful for tonight's revelations. Somehow, things are in better perspective. What I value most is friendship. And i should let go of any ill feelings towards friends. I may have felt that they abandoned me but they just have an unusual way of showing that they care.

One great revelation tonight is how I became comfortable with comments exchanges with another friend. Just like the old times. The times I missed. The times when I am sure that he is nothing more than a friend to me. And i am glad to be reminded of that. That's why I didn't feel any pang of jealousy when I saw his post. And I am happy about it.

The past few days have been great  because I got to reconnect with friends esp those who have kept their distance for a while.

I pray to keep these friends. I am grateful to have them.

Thank you gretch, jr  and charlie! :)