That feeling.

One of my most dreaded feeling is the feeling of being abandoned esp by people I have come to depend on. And I got a double dose of that last week. I tried to brush off that feeling as I know that it's unfair to my friends. But suppressed feelings will eventually come out. And it did this morning when I returned to the office. In a way, I have hurt my friend's feelings too. And if I come to think of it, I don't have any right to demand from them esp time and attention.

Perhaps I was just looking for some comfort at that time. And the very first people who knew didn't even give a damn. It was as if I was a burden to their plans, a hindrance to their enjoyment. And that's the saddest feeling you'll ever feel from those you care about.

I really do hope that I'll get past this. Coz even if I cry a million buckets, they still wouldn't care.

Broken Hearted a Million Times

I welcomed this year with a firm resolve to be more positive. And that was put to test immediately. My father was brought to the ICU a week ago and was only discharged last Saturday. I know I needed to be strong. After all, both my parents are dependent on me. During the whole time, only a few knew. Some people from the office because I had to take a leave. Some friends who saw inquired re my FB status. And relatives.

I tried to divert my attention. Busied myself with work while tending to my father. I didn't take my flight back to Cebu because my father does not want me to leave while he's still in the hospital.And I had to grant that. I don't want to add to the pressure he feels after knowing that he had a mild heart attack during the whole process of almost losing his breath.

What added up to the sadness I felt that week was missing a lot of things that I was looking forward to. It's as if when the sadness rained, it really poured. And to top all that I am financially broke. With the very big hospital bill, I have a lot of obligations to pay that my salary can't cover.

But despite all these, I am just glad that my father is now okay. There is still next January for me to experience what I failed to experience this year. As for the money, it'll take time for me to recover but I eventually will.

During these times, what I am very thankful for is knowing  that there are people who cares. I'm thankful for knowing who truly are my friends and whose hands I can depend on to hold mine when I need some comforting.

My heart maybe a million times broken but I'll eventually pick up the pieces.

Of Laundry and Cleaning

After a day of procrastinating, I decided to finally clean the house and do my laundry. I cannot afford to procrastinate anymore because it'd would be the start of work for the year (as if I haven't started working already). While I was cleaning I saw some things that I have been looking for quite a while. I know, perhaps I wasn't just that determined enough to look for these things that's why I haven't seen them. But what I come to realize though is that perhaps it isn't just cleaning the house nor clean my clothes that I needed to do. Perhaps I needed to also do cleaning in some aspects of my life for me to see those things that I am supposed to see but can't because there are already a lot of cob webs blocking my vision. Perhaps I need to develop that habit of constantly checking my thoughts and my feelings so I won't maintain anything ill which will eventually deteriorate me.

Something to look forward to this year. Hmmm...

Detox

I saw a friend's post earlier in FB re a homemade detoxifying juice and got interested. I asked her how to make it and I actually made not just one but four sets. The biggest fall of 2013 for me I guess is not achieving my ideal weight. I ended 2012 and started 2013 well and I was almost there but I stopped along the way and gained half of the weight I lost. How bad is that.

But that's done and I need to move forward. So I'm starting again a program to control my food intake and I'll enroll in the gym. And what a nice way to achieve that ideal weight is to detoxify. I have to also lose all the toxins in my body.

Though beyond that cleansing of the body, I believe I have to do cleansing of the mind and the heart too. There were a lot of negative thoughts and feelings that I have nurtured in 2013. And somehow it affected my outlook and my relationship with some people. So perhaps I need to do a lot of detoxifying. If I am to make my 2014 a better year, then I'll have to start cleaning up now.

Gifts!

I often ask for gifts from people. Of course, I don't demand it. It's just my way of making lambing. And more often than not, I am not given any. That's why I get so thrilled every time I receive something without asking for it. And even more thrilled if I receive them from people who are less likely to give me.

Last Christmas, I received gifts from two of my closest friends. And just today, I received another from a new friend. More than the items, I am so touched with the thoughtfulness. Wow, I seem to have done something right to deserve such.

And it's a nice welcome for the year. It's good to know that somehow, there are those who remembers. And even if it may not be evident, I know that they care for me too.

I thank God for friends!

Teaching

While looking for my NSO BC earlier, I found a letter given by a former student. I remember how surprised I was to see that letter on my table. And I wouldn't deny that I cried after reading that.

Those who knows my story knows that I didn't dream of becoming a teacher. I didn't see myself becoming one. But life has its own surprises. I did become a teacher and it was my first profession.

I am not the best teacher. In fact, I am seldom recognized to be a good one. I guess it was because I have an unconventional way of teaching. I wasn't trained to teach but I knew what I needed to impart. In my five years in the academe, I think I received all the possible insults and criticisms. Even from my superiors. I was even used and abused. Some of it are valid because I had my shortcomings too. But most, they are borne out of students' wrongly founded judgments. And at a point, I took all these criticisms in to a point where I don't know  how to teach anymore. So, I had to leave as it would be unfair to my students.

But life has its way to surprise you more. I left teaching but I am still teaching up to now. My new career allows me too. Of course the criticisms are still there and the prejudices thrown at me because I am from the academe. But I've learned not to take it all in. For I know that despite the imperfections of my teaching, in a way, I have contributed to the success of my students.

Above all, the best reward of teaching, I have found best friends!

14 Things for 2014

It's a new year and as cliche as it may sound, it's a mark of a new beginning. But as one gets older, you'd realize that new year or not, every day is a chance for us to start anew. But then again the new year gives a different push.

As the first day of 2014 ends, I'd like to look back and move forward. Look back to the revelations of 2013 and make use of these as I move forward to 2014.

2013 is a year of revelation for me. A revelation of who I have become, what I am capable of, and where I'd like to be. It's a year that started and ended with a heartache. But I don't want to see it as something negative. It's part of life, a consequence of my choices. No regrets. For the in between, I'd like to think that the things that happened, made me discover who I am.

So for all the things that happened for the past year, I'll have these 14 guiding points for a better 2014.

1. Holding on to the people you love is not always the best expression of love. Sometimes, you need to let them go esp if they already let go of your hands.

2. Make peace with your past esp with the people who broke your heart. Sometimes, saying that you already moved on isn't enough. You have to actually be with the person to know that you actually have.

3. Promises are not meant to be broken. If you cannot keep yours, make sure that the other party understands. Don't make them second-guess.

4. There's no cure for the insecure.

5. Learn to trust.

6. Accept that no two people are alike.

7. There are others who would like to see you fail. Don't give them that satisfaction.

8. Keep away from negative things and people. They'll bring you down.

9. You'll have your shortcomings. Don't let these define you. And most esp. don't let these ruin your relationship with people.

10. Enjoy and Explore! There are just so much to see.

11. Don't depend your happiness on people.

12. You are not alone.

13. Keep your focus.

14. His love, His wisdom, His plans are far greater than yours.

Happy New Year!