Communication

One area that our team needs to improve on is communication. Sometimes, we get too comfortable with each other that we automatically assume that our msg are conveyed even if we just say it in passing or even if we don't say it at all. This is a big challenge for me. I need to urge the team to practice proper communication and I need to practice it myself too. I sent an email to the team re this one and only one responded. I am not sure if they got the msg or if they took the msg seriously. I just hope that they did. I have high hopes to better improve the team. But then of course I cannot do it alone. It has been months since I took this post and I am not so sure if I am effective with what I am doing. I ask for other's feedback but what they give me does not suffice as a proper evaluation of my performance. Too bad there isn't someone who can mentor me. I need some guidance too.

When I decided to transfer, I knew that I'll get the post. But more than getting the post, my deciding factor was the fact that I had two people to back me up. My support system. I can't seem to feel that now though. I feel that I am left alone. And honestly, that fact seems to weaken me. I just force myself to stay strong because there are others who depend on me.

Oh well, I pray for improvement.

Babe

Terms of endearment are so sweet. Even if it's so corny at times, can't deny that it gives one that kilig factor. Esp if it is use not out of habit. I saw a friend's post calling someone babe. My initial reaction was, ah ok, there could already be someone else. Until I noticed that it could have referred to a man. I felt weird at first but I let it pass until I had the chance to ask him. Wala ra ko nataranta but if it were a girl, for sure mataranta ko. Hahaha Not that I still feel the same but more like, I still want to be in the loop. I want to know who the next person whom he'll fall in love with as I was totally clueless of the last. I won't deny the fact that I still care. I don't want him to be in any way hurt.

I'm glad of the conversation we have had. Chill lang. And I'm glad that I was able to open up. After all, only a few people know about how I truly feel about RG.

Anyway, i'm excited for that moment to come when someone would call me the sweetest endearment there is. I may again be in a one-sided love situation but I am not giving up on love yet. I am not at all bitter. Someday, I know, that someone will come.

Unimportant

Just the other day I posted on FB this, "Thank you for deliberately making me feel unimportant". I've had this feeling for quite a while now. I just exploded. Thus, the post. I don't blame the person for making me feel this. In the first place I can't demand care or affection from him. I'm just so stubborn . Perhaps, I just find it so unfair. If he can be so caring and thoughtful to others around us, why not me? Even at the level of friendship. Though I understand. He doesn't want me to give meaning to any affection he will show me. Thus, not giving me any affection at all. I just find it so weird.

I guess I just have to truly understand the way he is and how uncomfortable it is for him to not show he cares even if he really does. And I need to understand also how I feel and why I am going through this. I just feel so alone these days. My way of diverting my thoughts is reading Harry Potter. It feels like I am always left behind. Oh well.. I am confused. I'm so alone. I am not ok. But I can only rant about it here.

Oh well... On to my Harry Potter reading.

Positive

I have that tendency of being so overly dramatic over something I don't have control of. Most of the time I refuse to accept things esp those that are not in my favor. I admit that I got so overly disappointed over something. It was hard for me to accept that I have to be alone again. But after giving it much thought and with lots of prayers, I have come to terms with the fact that it was bound to happen. It just happened a little earlier than expected. 

I will miss him. I got used to waking up every morning knowing that he's just in the other room. I can sleep soundly at night knowing that I am not alone. I felt secured. But then again, I cannot hold him. I don't have that power. I don't have that right. He maybe someone whom I depended to for a while but that has just to stop. I need to be more independent.

Yes, I love him but I am not in love with him. 

Surprise!

I often say that I love surprises. Sweet surprises that is. There are just surprises that can alter your world so much that you end up confused and not know how to move forward. A big surprise came my way yesterday. Though I wasn't the one directly affected, it hit me bigtime. One, because it changes work structure. Second, i'll miss the person terribly. He'd be away for quite a while and maybe for good.
Though I know I have to eventually learn to let go, I just can't get over the fact that I'll be alone again. I mean, the one comfort that I don't want to lose is not going home to an empty place. It's a life that I dread. But then again, I need to understand that there's a WILL that's bigger and far greater than mine. I may not grasp it all now but hopefully soon I will. As a friend told me, someday, it'll all make sense.

I need to gather myself together now.

Somebody's Me

Somebody's Me... I just heard this song earlier today and I can't stop listening to it. I have it on repeat right now actually. I am just so drawn to the song. Perhaps it points out to some of the feelings I feel right now. I love someone dearly and it's so hard because I can't tell him and I can't even show him. Circumstances just don't permit. I'm proud to say that I can now control my feelings. I allow my brain to function and reason with my heart, But it's hard. It's hard that I can't freely love him. That I just have to be contented with us being friends. That I just have to be contented with silently caring and loving him. It's hard most especially because I know he can't love me back and he cannot treat me the same way as he treat others. There will always be barriers. There will always be boundaries. There are so many things I cannot risk.

It's a daily struggle to not in any way show my feelings. It's a daily struggle not be jealous. It's a daily struggle of not being down because of knowing that all the beautiful things coming out of his mouth are not for me. It's a daily struggle of not being hurt because I am the person he'll never miss.I'm not part of his circle. I'm not part of his world.

My prayer at church today, is that I won't get tired of loving. That I won't give up on loving. I may have learned to control my emotions but I am actually getting to that point of not feeling anything. I don't want my heart to be numb. I don't.

To the person I love right now, I love you. I just say it here. I'll just wish someday, I can tell you freely.

Crystal Formula

For the past few weeks, I've been busy working on some crystal reports. I did some troubleshooting of reports I did not make. I also created reports from scratch. These were very draining. Even if I like what I am doing, at the end of the day I get tired. There's just too much that the body and mind can do. I get a certain high though every time I get to finish one, esp if I get to fix one.

What I like most in creating crystal reports are the formula and/or condition that comes with it. If only I can apply these formula to my heart, then I would gladly use it.

I had this conversation with a friend earlier. Matters of the heart again. Not mine but hers. Though we ended up talking about mine. I realized that I totally learned to suppress whatever it is that I feel. I don't nourish it. I don't allow it to grow. It's because I know that the person my heart is longing for definitely cannot give back what it wants. Is it a good thing? Is suppressing my feelings a good thing?  In a way it is. At least I don't do crazy things because I don't feel it. I am afraid though. I am afraid because suppressing it means that I don't allow myself to feel anything nor to express anything. I don't want to come to a point where I would feel a very big void in my heart.

If only.

if whatheartfeels = loveforhim then suppress else express