FEEL AGAIN

A friend introduced me to this song by One Republic. And I liked it. It somehow summed up what exactly happened 3 years ago.

Heart still beating but it's not working
It's like a hundred thousand voices that just can't sing
I reach out trying to love but I feel nothing
Oh my heart is numb

But with you
I feel again
And with you
I can feel again

I'm feeling better since you know me
I was a lonely soul but that's the old me
A little wiser now but you show me
Yeah, I feel again
Feel again...


Yeah, it's no news of how broken I was and I never thought that I'd learn to love again. I went through that stage of not feeling anything. I pitied myself because somehow those I loved always found a way to betray and break me. I was literally lonely and was just shadowing my heart with pretenses of being happy. Until he came. What I felt for him is something I never thought I'd feel. And it wasn't forced. I didn't force myself to love him just for the sake of telling myself that I am capable of love. And yeah, those moments with him were moments that I was completely myself. NO pretenses. I wasn't afraid to show him the real me because I wasn't afraid that he'd judge me. But yeah things didn't end up the way I wanted. And yeah, there were a lot of emotions that exploded. And yeah, I am broken. 

But well, that's life. Things doesn't always go as you want it to be. For what reason, who knows?

I don't want to think that I am exactly on the same phase 3 years ago. I don't want to think that my heart's not functioning. But suffice to say that I suppress whatever feeling I can suppress. I don't pretend to be perfectly fine because I am not. But I don't like to ruin myself and my relationships just because I suppress my emotions.

My heart is still beating but it's not working. Soon I can undo my voluntary suppression of my feelings and truly feel again.