Surprise Me

I love surprises. Who doesn't? Well, sweet surprises that is. If I think about it, I feel a certain high. How much more if it is really happening. I haven't been surprised. Yeah, there are unexpected blessings that came but I haven't been surprised surprise. And just like any other girl, I am hoping for that moment to come.

It's almost Valentine's day and my friends' posts are already referring to it. There are even bitter posts because they are celebrating it alone or as singles.  Me? I am not thinking yet of what I'm gonna do on that day. Well, it will just be another day.

In the past, I've always looked forward  to Valentine's. I want the biggest surprise of my life to come on that day. But as the years passed, I've learned to cut that crap out. It's hard enough to be left out because everyone is celebrating it with their partners then that feeling of a failed hope adds up.

But then I'll always be me. It may not come on Valentine's but I still pray to have that biggest surprise of my life.

Surprise me?

Crystal

If everything in life is as clear as crystal then there won't be any conflicts, misunderstanding, and confusion. But then it's not. Even the clearest things sometimes aren't clear to those meant to see it. You need to go through the haziness to be able to see.

Why am I writing this now? Well, I just remembered how the term crystal was used in my current movie addiction, Pitch Perfect. And I remember how my high school accounting teacher asked us to respond crystal when she'd asked if her discussion was clear.

If I could just respond crystal to every question thrown at me regarding how I feel, where I'm headed, who I see, I would shout it. But my mind is so clouded and I am confused. And for the first time in a while I just want to leave it at that. Hazy. I don't have the energy to clear my mind of things that's why I just cloud it all the more. Is it healthy? I know it's not. But I can still breathe. I threw up all my stresses a while ago. And maybe that's enough for now.

Sometimes it pays not to think too much.

Clear? Crystal.

Little Things

I was reminded of this One Direction song by a friend.  I knew of this song last year and was kinda addicted with it. I can't say that I still am addicted to it but suffice to say that I asked a friend to download the song for me earlier today. It's a nice song , nice melody, meaningful lyrics plus it was sang by cute guys. Haha But more than, this song can actually heighten ones emotion when in love. It can make one wanna fall in love. It can even destress you. I can't memorize the lyrics of the song but it can be summed up with this  - All the little things you do, adds up to who you are.

And it's true. All the gestures, the habits, what you do, what you say, that's you. And you're fortunate if you find people who will accept and love you with all those little things. So if you find those, never let them go.

Crush

I had a very funny experience today that it took me quite a while to recover. Those who saw me smiling at nothing perhaps thought I was crazy. I bumped into someone I haven't saw in a while. We text once in a while and we even planned on seeing each other before I leave for Cebu. That encounter just took us by surprise that we literally just stood there speechless. We didn't know what to say to each other. It's really funny. He even texted me after that he really went blank. Hahaha And honestly, I went blank too. He's so handsome. :P

Oh well, just goes to show that I still have that tween Ivy who can go "crushing". I hope I didn't blush cause that would have been too embarrassing. :)

Funny how once in a while you get reminded of the feelings you once had or the things you did because of those feelings. I remember how I went gaga over that guy. And though I was stunned when I saw him earlier, I know I don't have those feelings anymore. I just can't help but smile about it.

I guess it's part of life's cycle to get attracted to people. It allows you to discover what tickles you and what doesn't. It allows your heart to jump, gives you unforgettable moments. Most esp it allows you to grow.

Though I was already a grown up when I had a crush on this guy, it still gave me something to learn from.  So what was it I learned? Well, when I get physically attracted to a guy (first), I don't fall in love with him. :P

Pitch Perfect

What I am doing is really OA. Since Saturday, I guess there was never a day that I didn't watch Pitch Perfect. And there were days that I watched it more than once. And while I am writing this, I am playing the movie, my fourth time today. It's crazy really.

But why I am playing the movie over and over? It's not a romantic movie that I am a sucker for. I don't know the stars. I guess it's because it's just a chill movie. Being a musicale and sort of comedy. I like playing it again and again even to the point of making it a radio drama because I can't watch movie at work. It keeps my mind of something that I shouldn't be thinking about because it will just make me do crazy things.

I am glad that I came across this movie at this time. With my LSSing, my mind has something to work on. It saves me from all the drama that I am going through. Until when will this continue? I guess, until that time that I can laugh all of these things.

On to my LSSing. And oh thank you to that dvd vendor who suggested this movie.

Unjust Rejection

A teleserye character coined Unjust Rejection as a possible case to be filed against someone who deliberately ignores her. And I liked the idea. Some people can be so harsh that they deliberately ignore you as a way of rejecting you. Of course, just like any cases, there must be proper grounds. But I am not to talk of the grounds. I am just to talk of how it feels of to deliberately ignored and rejected. And it's bad, real bad.

There were a lot of moments when people special to me made me feel this way. And it was such a low blow to my being that I felt so low. And it took me some time to fully understand why I was ignored and rejected.

Not all we give to people are accepted or welcomed. It can sometimes be overwhelming that they can't take it. And as givers, we must understand that and must not take it as rejection. Of course, it feels like that but we must not see it that way. Too confusing? Yes, when you are at that moment it feels that way. Only time can help you understand. Pushing too much can be hard on the recipient too that the easiest way to deal with you is just to ignore you. 

I just hope that those who rejects and ignores makes it a point to somehow explain or say something before doing it. There may be people who are too pushy that even if they've been told, still they won't stop but there are also those who would understand and stop. In this, I guess, how people know each other plays an important role. Again, we can ignore and reject those who still bother us despite being told. But we must not reject and ignore those we consider as important and special to us, because ignoring them isn't the best way to deal. It will make them feel bad. And it will make you feel worse. And that's worst.

Long Walks

A friend posted yesterday re taking a long walk to home.  I instantly commented on how I miss taking such walks. Long walks are like bus rides to me. It allows me to think. It allows me to  assess how I am and how I truly feel. It allows me to dream.

It has been a while since I had a long bus ride and a long walk.  Although it doesn't mean that I hadn't had the time to think because I did and I have to. It's just different when you actually do the thinking while walking and seeing different scenes and people along the way. Not to mention the dirt, the dusts, the heat, the wind, etc. This may sound exaggerated but it's real. It keeps me so grounded that my reasoning is not clouded. Thus, I think right.

If long walks and bus rides do this to me, i hope others may find their own bus rides and long walks too. It may not be evident, but oftentimes we are caught in a situation where we need reassessing. We need to check on where we are and where we are headed. We need to stop and think. But in this fast-paced world, it's hard to find that solemn moment when we can truly discern.

 And so it is important that once in a while we get to take our own long walks and bus rides. After all, in the end what we aim for is to be where we should be.

Don't Push It

This is something I've been meaning to write but I just put off because of my motivation for writing about it. Now, since I am trying to fulfill a promise, then I'll write about it. Read on.

Sometimes we get too carried away with what we feel, whatever feeling that maybe. To the point that we overreact or go overboard that instead of helping, we add insult to the injury. I know it's natural to love, to care, to worry. And one's instinct would be to show those. We ask people how they've been. We volunteer ourselves to be there always, to be a shoulder to cry on, or the listening ear. But we fail to see is that no matter how willing we are the other party isn't. That your care isn't the care that can ease them. That your love isn't the love that they want. That your shoulder isn't the shoulder they want to cry on. That your ears are not the ears they want to hear their story. This may sound so overly dramatic but it happens. This is real.

So don't push it. Don't push the loving, the caring, the worrying. Don't push your presence to their lives. It maybe hard to be pushed away by the people that we care about but we have to consider that maybe that would be easier for them. Putting us off would make their lives easier.

It could be sad and it is sad. But forcing it  can make it worse. Just give it time. Give it time until your care can ease, that your love is felt, that your shoulders they can lean on, that your ears are worthy of the stories.
Give it time until your presence matters, that you matter. If that time won't come, I guess, along the way you'll learn to just let it go.

Another Route

I have always loved writing. Yes, I didn't have any formal training and I don't know the rules but I just love to. Again, as I often say, it's my best way of expressing myself. But for the past years I have been inconsistent. Inconsistent in a way that my writing became seasonal. I often reason that my mused bailed on me that's why I am not inspired to write. But perhaps the main reason is that what I always want to write about is LOVE. And I guess I ran out of things to write about it. Yeah,you can say, I have limited experience.

So to appease that desire to write, I am taking another route. I remember the promise I made yesterday and I am more than determined to fulfill that. Long ago I had this dream of inspiring others through my writing and hopefully they'll learn from it. And I want to make that dream a reality through this blog.I know I am not the perfect example. I don't have a touching story. I am not even a success yet. But maybe, just maybe, the me that I am sharing can  somehow make others think and feel.

Yes, another route. Another route because this time my motivation for writing is not anymore about escaping from reality. It's now about living a dream in this reality.

Eponine

When I first heard the song On My Own, I guess I was 2nd yr HS that time, I cannot stop crying. The song is just too painful, yet it is full of love. Though I cannot relate to it yet at that time, it seemed to really hit me to the core. Fast track to today, for several days I longed to watch Les Mis but can't seem to find the time. Hence, I didn't watch it in cinema. Glad I made that choice because all my crying while watching the film would have been intolerable and embarrassing in the movie house. The scene that made me really cry was that of Eponine singing On My Own and her dying in Marius's arms. Man, I felt like I was her. I felt the pain,  I felt the love. And even while I am writing this now, I still am crying.

And funny how while watching those scenes, all that runs in my head were the pictures I saw early in the morning yesterday. I see that they are happy and I am good with that. And I guess all the crying I just did was my final letting go. Since the year started I vowed to myself that I will stop writing about him or how I felt. And I broke that promise several times. And I hope I won't this time. This will be the last time.

All I hope is she'll never learn about me or how I felt or the letters I wrote. Or if she already knew, she'd never take it against me.

This will be my last.

Without me

His world will go on turning

A world that's full of happiness

That I have never known.

Tales From The Friendzone

It was November last year when I chance upon this book of Ramon Bautista, Bakit Hindi Ka Crush Ng Crush Mo. I bought it in a jiffy because I find the title funny. It was a compilation of questions sent to him in the social site, formspring. And true to my initial impression, the book was indeed funny. I found it funny because, in a way, I was one of those being described there. And I somehow find it comforting to know that there are others, who, go through the same things I do and some even worst. I like RB's attack in talking sense to his readers. I forgot how he termed it but it hits to the core. But then again it would all depend to the recipient on how he takes it.

The common thing that was asked/shared about was re being in the friendzone. I guess everyone knows about this. And I was in that zone for more than a couple of times. And funny how those lines uttered by the friendzoner in that book, were almost exactly the same lines told to me. The difference perhaps is that those friendzoned in that book were guys and I am a girl. But then it's no biggie.

I have a male friend who is in the same situation as I am. He would often find links/posts related to the tales of being in the friendzone. And would gladly share it with me.It's a way, I guess, to better understand what we go through and how we deal with it. And people actually gave labels to it. What I find so real about it is those in the waiting game, the ABANGERS. Those who are silently praying that a couple would break up so they can jump right in. Haha. Maybe I exaggerated that, but that is the long and short of it. The common tag line for the abangers is, Keep Calm and Abangan Mo Sila Mag Break. Another haha.

But am I an Abanger? I guess not. And in every "friendzoned" moment I had, I never wished for the couple to break up esp this last. Earlier, I saw pics and I am happy to know that I didn't feel any pain. My heart knows and accepts. :)

Constant

If there is something constant in this world, it's change. Everyone, everything changes. It may not be to our liking sometimes but we have to deal with these changes. But while everybody talks about dealing/coping/handling (or whatever "ing" ) these changes, I'd like to check on its opposite. How are we dealing with the constants in our lives? Or make that, how do I deal with the constants in my life? But who are they? Or what are they?

If I'll be asked that now, my ready answer would be family. Whenever, wherever, whatever they will be always be family. And since they are a constant, I depend on that thought. That somehow, I don't exert effort to make them feel special because I know they will always be there. That they will understand. But I know too that there are moments that they need to feel a little effort from me. To show how special, how loved, and how cared for they are by me.

Another constant are friends, real friends. Those friends that despite not talking, not seeing remains to be there. Those friends I never get tired talking to despite talking the same things over. Those friends who tirelessly listens to all my drama. Those friends who didn't gave up on me when I am at my worst. Those friends who remained to be friends despite the changes. I don't know if I am a good friend.  I don't know if I make them feel that I appreciate their friendship. I don't know if they feel my love of my care. What I know is that I am happy that through the years they remained to be a constant in my life. 

Another is myself. I am my own constant. I may change in many ways but I'll always be me. So I take care of myself by way of enhancing/developing whatever it is I have.  To strengthen me.

The most constant that I often neglect is HIM. I am not a religious nor a pious person. In my many attempts to have a personal relationship with Him, I always fail. This is something that I really need to work on. 

I was supposed to write something else. Perhaps, the idea prompted because I am reminded to check on my relationship with my constants. I had an argument with my father and it didn't feel right. I went overboard. 

This I realized, we have to take care of the constants before they become changes that are hard to deal.

KIM, MAJA, and GERALD

It's no news that I am into showbiz news, local showbiz news. I used to open daily pep.ph and read on what's new with the stars. I even read comments. Now, I am addicted to FashionPulis.com. I enjoy reading the blind items and the comments. Mostly, I enjoy how each article is written. Anyway, this past week a news broke out re Gerald courting Maja and Kim got affected. I don't know the real story of course. What I know of is only what the media presented. I can't help but comment on this. Why? Partly because this shows of how much of a human they are but mostly because this covers a lot of deeper issues that, I guess, everyone went through and is going through. Maybe that's why a lot of people reacted.

Gerald was Kim's ex. Though they never admitted it until they broke up. Maja is Kim's best friend. And I think they got really close during the time that Kim was mending a broken heart. Kim and Gerald are a thing of the past. It had been 3 years after all. Now, Gerald and Maja because of an event became friends. They spent holidays together (with a group) and that was the reason why the whole issue got big. And because they are artists, media just had to meddle. Maja said that there's nothing going on.That Kim knew everything from the start. Gerald said that if given the chance he will court Maja. After all, they are both single. That the way they'll handle the situation will define how mature they are. While Kim, who seemed to be the victim, had been inconsistent. She said she's happy for them. Then ended up saying she's sad for their friendship (hers and Maja).

Theirs is indeed a complicated situation. People would say that Kim shouldn't be affected anymore because it had been 3 yrs. Others would say that Maja should've considered Kim's feelings and their friendship. Or Gerald should've have avoided Maja out of respect for Kim. But I would have to nod on what Gerald said re maturity. The way their story will end, the way they'll feel, and how they'll continue will all depend on how mature they are.

That Moment

I had a very bad headache this morning. But since I can't absent from work, I had to go despite. I almost exploded from the pressures earlier today. To me it wasn't at all fair that I was all alone supporting a client and when you needed help, you can't ask for it because you were dumbfounded to know that the person you needed help from already resigned. Good thing though that he still responded to the call.

But you see, this is one of those moments when you just want to give up. I needed to calm myself because I almost shouted at everyone and cursed. I desperately needed someone who doesn't have a single idea of what was going on. Someone who doesn't feel the way I feel. Someone who isn't privy to the situation. I JUST GOT THE BIGGEST INSULT TO MY PROFESSION/CAREER/POST today.

This is just one of those moments that I can't take a positive outlook.

On a lighter side though, I thank that friend who asked me how my day was. I really do hope that we can have a longer conversation soon. I miss the talks.

Goobye

There's this line in a teleserye I am addicted to, "Wish granted my Princess.Goodbye". I so loved it that I posted it as a status in facebook but changed "princess" to "prince".  I hope it is just so easy to deliver that line. That after all that you have been through, you can easily say it and truly mean it. But reality is, it's not. And oftentimes when we say it outright, we don't  really mean it. Just to make it clear, the wish was for the guy to forget the girl.

But do I really mean it when I posted it? YES. I may not have termed it that way but I already told my prince that his wish was granted. His wish may not be explicit but I understood. I have to forget that he is my prince because I can never be his princess.

Though there are moments that I forget. After all, it had been 3 years. In times like that, I just hold on to the promise I made myself. The promise to free my heart from any romantic inclination I have. I need to remind myself that I need to depend on me.

I know where I stand.

Weight Loss Challenge

Today, I registered in a weight loss challenge (WLC) contest. Though I know I would be disqualified later on because I won't be able to finish, I registered just the same. I registered just for the fun of joining. And the benefits of the lectures of course. It is also to help me with the weight loss program I have set for myself.  Honestly, I am already at the verge of giving up. There's just so many things running in my head that I need food's comfort. I already want to binge. But I am really fighting that urge to give up. You see, there's more to this WLC. I know I need to lose weight but what I need to lose most is the bigger weight that I am carrying.

D.T.W. (Drained.Tired.Whatever.)

Data Transfer Workbench that's what DTW stands for in my line of work. It a tool to import files to a system. It is designed for convenience actually. But if you encounter a lot of errors while uploading then it ceases to be convenient. In fact, it can be one big stressor. Lucky for me, I somehow learned my way through it that's why I don't encounter much errors anymore. It will then just depend on how clean the file I'm using.

That Question

I was asked this question yesterday. It was just a simple question and I know the answer but I somehow kinda played dumb and pretended not to know. Maybe it was because of the person who asked it or maybe it was because how the question was delivered or simply because it was a question I don't want to confirm.

But after a day's thought, I realized that if I'll be asked that question again, I can honestly answer I don't know. Because the assumption made in that question is something I really don't know. And I don't intend to know. That person who asked that question is just prying some information from me. He didn't even realize that the question was so insensitive. Well, what else is new. I know he is as crushed as I am. I don't know how he's taking it but I really don't care. I don't care anymore.

Stressors

Early today I prayed for a stress-free day and a stress-free week. Yet, even before I started my day, something happened that caused me to be late for work. Imagine, making the owner and other consultants wait. I just can imagine how frustrated they were. Anyway, since the day didn't start right so the rest of the day weren't. We had a very late lunch. Client server doesn't work. I needed to support other clients while listening to a discussion (talk about super multi-tasking). I was supposed to do something tonight but there's no electricity. My laptop can only last an hour. And to top it all, I got so worried for a friend and yet there's nothing I can do. I don't know what had happened and I don't know how he is. All I can do is wait for an update and pray that he is alright.

So talk about a stress free day.

The Need to be Alone

No matter the need to be with company, there are moments when one needs to be alone and just be still. It's not a way of pushing people away but somehow a way to keep one's sanity. There are times when one just have to deal with oneself without having to explain or talk to or be with someone.

til my heartaches end

I am in the mood of sharing old notes. Just like  friend told me, I shouldn't throw away old writings because it could help me better understand myself. I threw away a lot of my old notes, so I might as well share those I still have.

Til My Heartaches End

facebook note
November 13, 2010

after a thorough deliberation, i finally decided to watch kim and gerald's movie. I was never really a fan of the two nor became a fan after watching. What triggered the decision is actually boredom. And,oh well, the fact that I just needed to take my mind of work. And by the way, I watched it alone. I didn't mind. :)
The movie, as I expected, is just so so. It's not even kilig. But, in fairness, at some point, it made me smile and even brought tears to my eyes. 
Somehow I was able to relate. I've had several heartaches. And it wasn't easy going through the process. But certainly there would be an end. Time will come that you can look back to all that you've been through and just laugh. And when the heartache finally ends, when we see the person again, it would be easy for us to smile.
Though I never had a boyfriend, I became like Kim's character at one point. Made my world revolve around someone. It wasn't good. And it is all wrong. But I had to learn it the hard way. 
heart lessons, I already have accumulated a lot. Gosh...


"i'll just keep on dreaming...til my heartaches' end..."

Free Writing at 3 am

Facebook Note
September 24, 2011

"A time for everything and everything in place. Return what has been lost through time and space"

This is a spell from my fave tv series Charmed. I don't know if I got it right but it sounds right. This spell was cast to bring to the present the sisters who were stucked in the past. A past they corrected to save their future.

If only I possess the power of three, I would  go back to my past and teach the young me what to do so I'd be in a better position now.  But unfortunately I don't remember that spell to bring me to the past and I don't have the Book of  Shadows. So I guess I would just have to live and make better what I have. And maybe I need to remind myself that the real magic is not in casting spells but in trusting that there is Someone up there Who answers prayers. 

That French Movie and That Musicale

Today is just a chill day. I opted to just stay home and do nothing. Oh well, I cannot "not do" anything. That is just impossible. So to pass the day by, I started reading this how-to book on success but as usual I fell asleep even before I started the first chapter. And since no one was online for me to chat (except that Jof called for around 10 mins) and since I did too much flooding already on my twitter and facebook timeline and my dogs already got tired of playing with me, I decided to watch movies instead. I was hoping to watch Lord of The Rings Trilogy but I cannot anymore find my copy. So I ended up watching Moulin Rouge (MR) and a French Movie (FM) - Amelie.

I am such a sucker for Romance movies, for love stories even if it doesn't end like in fairy tales. It gives me a certain pinch in the heart and makes me more excited to finally meet that someone meant for me. I am not good in making movie synopsis though, so I am not gonna attempt on making that. But what I would like to share are the things that moved me and made me really think.

The love story in MR ended tragically, the girl died due to sickness. The story was narrated by the guy. And oh boy, you really can feel the pain of his loss and more so you can really feel the depth of his love. I love it when I see how a guy truly loves his girl and would do anything to show his love and fight for it. And I would like to believe that in today's reality men like that still exists. Men who doesn't feel intimated by a girl's stature and believes in his own self. Men who doesn't equate everything with a price and/or money. While it may be true that man cannot survive with love alone but it is also true that you cannot buy love.

BRAINCELLSBLEED

BRAINCELLSBLEED - this is a new term I coined for the mind boggling process I had for the work I was doing. I am not sure if there are others who already used it. I don't want to be charged of plagiarism, so if their's someone who claimed patent to the term, pls leave a comment so I can acknowledged you.

After one and a half working days, I finally was able to finish the report requirement of a client. If you look at the report it's very simple and I thought that making it was just as simple but I thought wrong. I feel so proud that I was able to finish it. And I thank those who tried to help. What makes me so proud about finishing it is in knowing that I still have it in me, I mean I still have in me the ability to really think, really think hard and not give up. And I find joy in seeing the revelations of myself and seeing/knowing it myself without others having to tell me. It really is different when you know who you really are.

And now, I am more excited to see what will the next revelation be. :)

Thank You Sir Lee

Exactly a year ago, an accident happened which caused the life of a colleague. I wouldn't say that I was close to Sir Lee. I didn't even know that we were the same age until we had to fill up his info sheet in the funeral parlour. What I can say based on those few occasions that I was able to work with him and talk to him is he is a good person. I never heard him complain even if he was being pushed to his limits.  Even while it was already early dawn, everyone were tired esp him, he can still cheer everyone up.  And I often say this, he is one of the most positive person I know. And I daresay one of the smartest in his field. Ika nga, iniexplain mo pa lang, may solution na sya.

The Day I Decided to be Fine

Just a few days ago I was so consumed with being sad that I didn't get to enjoy. It wasn't a good thing but somehow allowing myself to wallow in sadness helped me realize what should matter in my life. If this happened a few years back, probably it will take me years to recover. But then, as I often say, I guess it is already a function of age, of time and of experience, that I can choose to get over it. And I did.  There's no point of keeping that sadness because it won't help me move forward with my life. It isn't as simple as I'm saying it right now though but I am taking baby steps. I cannot allow sadness nor hate to fill my heart.

Yes, today I decided to be fine. It's so nice to feel so light and just focus on happy things. I know there will be people who will raise their eyebrows because I made peace with "him" easily. I cannot blame them but I don't care what they say. For I know in my heart that it is want I wanted to do and it is the right thing to do. At the end of the day, what matters to me is that I don't push people away because I chose to be selfish.

:)

An Apology

I am so selfish at times that I just dwell on the pain I feel and not think of how I let others feel. And I know I have been so selfish these past few  days. How can I not be happy for a friend who's happy?

The new year message I received from him was so unexpected. It was so heartwarming that the very first thing I did was hug the stuffed toy he gave me and call on his name. It has always been like this between the two of us. I fall into a deep pit of sorrow and he will instantly be there to pick me up. Maybe because my heart knows that he will always be there despite and inspite my dramas, that I actually allow myself to dwell on whatever drama my heart is set to. My heart knows that I can freely tell him everything and expect him to understand. And I guess that is why my selfishness is always heightened, I know that he will understand to the point that I fail to consider how he will actually feel. And I am very sorry for letting him feel the pain that I myself don't want to feel.

We have a very special kind of friendship. He is someone I can totally be honest with and can truly be myself with. He is the male best friend I never had. He may not consider me as a best friend, but that's ok.  Maybe it was wrong for me to cloud our friendship with whatever special feelings I have for him. If I look back, I was willing to let that feelings go to keep the friendship. And I am more than willing now to let it go so I can save the friendship. I have long have accepted the fact that all we can ever be is friends. And to be honest, I am happy that he found someone to give his affection to. After all, I often wish him to find that someone who will love him more than I can ever love him.

What went wrong? Why all the drama lately? I guess it is not anymore about the unrequited  love. It's brought about by how jealous of a friend I am. I am not yet over with the fact that we were not able to spend    time while he was here. Grabe magmahay lang. And though I kept telling myself that there's nothing I can do about it anymore, that life isn't fair, that I cannot demand that from him, I still can't get over it. Murag bata lang? But seriously, it's something that I really need to work on. It's something that has happened and cannot be changed. I need to move forward. And I will, it's already 2013 after all.

I am a clingy friend. And I am very clingy towards him that I always seek his attention. And this, I guess, is probably why I'm always jealous and why I'm always hurt. And this is wrong, I know. And this is something I work on everyday. It took me a while to not be clingy to my other friends esp now that they are away. And  I guess it will take a little more while to not be clingy to him. I shouldn't be clingy to him anymore. I have to give that respect to his girl.

I saw him cry earlier and I didn't want him to cry. And I didn't want him to feel that he caused me pain for he didn't. I put it upon myself. I am so sorry my dear friend.

I thank you for 2012. And I hope that you'll still be there this year and the years to come.

If you happen to read this, call me. I owe you a personal apology.